A possible framework for discussion with SOs

[phili]

Hi All,
I wrote a long piece on Medium to try to find a better way to bridge the gulf with so many of our SOs

Here's the link- https://medium.com/@therealphil/is-y...g-1f5b54426aec

Here's a shortened taste:

1. Is your SO crossdressing?

If someone you love is crossdressing, and it troubles you, I am offering my story as an introduction into a typical crossdresser’s world, and presented as a structured guide, to foster constructive understanding and communication between crossdressers and their families, friends, and partners.
....The rules for men vary from culture to culture, and family to family, but wherever there is a serious mismatch between gender role expectations for a boy or girl, and their own self understanding, some kind of self-help is needed. For many that self help is crossdressing. ... it affords a window of feeling into a persona that is clearly desirable. ... It just is a secret that is mostly not shareable.

Crossdressing is a desire that comes from deep within, and is immune to the ubiquitous and hurtful social policing and antagonism. My purpose here is to create a bridge for you, to show you that crossdressing follows a simple logic that you too would use to address the underlying needs.

I hope those that feel their love for an SO challenged by crossdressing will take a few minutes to read this, and be persuaded to take another look.

A. Your SO’s point of view:
Your SO feels stranded alone on an island, with people all around who they are afraid of, and wish they didn’t have to be. Your SO feels like crossdressing in exactly the way you feel like you want some exercise, or to read a good book, or to chat with a friend. I can safely say that your exposure to crossdressing is a white flag being waved by your SO, asking for rescue and safe passage from a gender ‘prison’.
B. Your likely points of view- typical emotionally charged arguments against crossdressing:
Crossdressing looks strange, doesn’t fit, seems contrived, isn’t necessary. i.e. “You aren’t a woman, so don’t wear women’s clothes.“
Crossdressing is an expression of moral laxity, or sinful desire.
Crossdressing is driven by latent homosexuality, or transsexuality, and tolerance of it in your SO means the end of your heterosexual relationship, or that you are not “all” woman {or man} yourself, your social acceptance is threatened.
Crossdressing is a developmental or psychosexual disorder of some kind. There is no healthy reason for crossdressing.
Crossdressing is a path down a slippery slope disorganizing the simple dual gender plumage plan that is everywhere around us, and necessary for reproduction and a predictable social order.
“It just ain’t right and everyone, including the Bible, will agree.” If there was a good reason for it, we’d already be doing it.

2. Focus on the goal of your relationship with your SO, and take positive action.
A. You love them....

B. You want to share deeply a trust-based relationship. .... [but] Your world of acceptance by friends, your jobs, your kids’ safety all may feel terribly threatened.
Step B. Set aside your fear and loathing for a minute, realizing that for a little while at least, what is needed in the relationship is for you to understand and talk about what is happening for each of you without trying to fix it. ...

C. Your SO is trying to share an intimate personal truth, and one that they are actually not ashamed of. It feels both necessary and right to them. Their love is prompting their basic trust in you. They understand that you are not sure you can support that trust, for fear of consequences that will befall you. They are torn between trying to keep the closet doors shut so as not to lose your love, and to throw the doors open and get a long awaited hug.

...Offer a safe space for your SO to tell his or her story. Set aside all your reasons and objections, and just listen and ask for clarification. Important- don’t challenge the detail, but do make them tell the story again at least 10 times. You will both see it become richer, more understandable, more flexible, and more nuanced.

D. You can be safe listening and understanding.
Only very cruel people would condemn an SO fulfilling the standard marital vow “to have and to hold, to cherish and protect….

E. Create space for your SO to experience him or herself with others while crossdressed.
You are the most important person in this. It might help to remember that being loved means being loved for who we are. Anything less is not love....

G. There are often deep roots and tangled emotions and needs, and the social backdrop is changing. Getting a full understanding will take many discussions. A lot is not clear to your SO.
...Ignore for the moment that you don’t want your SO to be doing this!...

H. Focus on the platform of trust that you are providing because you love them, and you see they need you to listen and help.
...Look for parallels in your own experience- where you felt imprisoned by gender rules. Look for ways your SO can liberate you as well.

Let me know if I missed anything! Everyone's story is unique, but hopefully this is a framework that can slow the emotions down and give some connection opportunity.

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WOW- 135 views and no comments? Please help me out here- what am I missing?

I wrote this because
-being accepted by loved ones is super important and usually not happening,
-there must be a solution which focuses on the underlying love
-perhaps it is as simple as making an opportunity to talk at length, and be known more deeply
-increased acceptance will follow, since so much of what we feel is really pretty normal

[Micki_Finn]

Well it's great advice on what to do if you're an accepting S/O. However there's nothing there on how to get to that point. It's all very focused on how to make the crossdresser feel better and supported, but the WAGs are going through turmoil too. Overall it feels very lopsided, almost scolding of the SOs. I only read your brief so the full article could be more conciliatory.

[kimdl93]

I'd agree that its more of a prescription for treating a lack of acceptance than it is a framework for discussion. It does imply some measure of failure or fault for those who do not accept. (Note I didn't use the word "cannot"). If there are two sides (pro-dressing me vs anti-dressing partner) both sides have fears, both carry prejudices, customs and belief systems. I suspect that discussion seldom digs deeply enough into the fears of the unaccepting SO. And I don't think delegitimzing those fears/concerns/beliefs can foster discussion, mutual understanding nor acceptance.

[Shelly Preston]

What you have written is only really one possible scenario.

You have not considered the fact they will feel betrayed when they first find out. Some may seek pastoral advice.
A lot of women may be unable to accept a plan because they think it is just wrong. Many here have been told to seek therapy as some may hope this will provide a cure.

Even if a wife or girlfriend is accepting, it can take time to understand what is happening.
There may also be the fear of where will this end.

So I think you have a long way to go before this would be complete.

[Stephanie47]

I just got timed out for being too loquacious. I'll try to break it down to one or two sentences.

Please to not expect a woman to accept something or anything that is contrary to her moral or religious beliefs. Or her sexual desires and expectations in a man. Some comments made by GG's on this forum basically wrap it up in a nutshell. "You did not give a woman the choice to chose to married or not marry a man who has a desire to wear women's clothing."

This outline is basically a format to convince a woman to accept something you want, not what she wants in her husband. Yes, go ahead and give it a shot. Don't expect miracles. If the husband wins, will he and his wife be truly happy? I don't think so.

[AlanaG]

It's a good start, a rough draft if you will, but needs so much more.

[char GG]

Yes, I will agree with you that every story is unique. I will also agree that many of the points you mentioned are valid from a CDer point of view.

I realize that you are calling this a starting point for conversation which is very good. CDers that are in a committed relationship should be open minded and patient enough to realized that their SO may have trouble (maybe a lot of trouble) coming to terms with CDing - and in some cases, the possible deceit by not coming clean about their desires before any long term commitments are/were made. Every SO will have a different reaction - CDers should at least know what is going on in their own mind and be ready to answer truthfully. They should also know they feel about their SO vs. CDing before the question arises (and believe me, the question will come up).

[IleneD]

A centerpiece of our many "discussions" and downright heated arguments has been "What does this do to your self-esteem as a real woman, a wife?" The theme is that CD is a threat; a threat to the established relationship, a threat to an existing life (together), even a threat to the Family, [a big concern].

The other theme was SECURITY; security for the future, and OUR future. She wondered where all this escalating and evolving CD may end. Would I need to transition to full time life as a woman? She doesn't wish to be married to a woman, Period. If that happened, where would that put us? A break up of a marriage would leave both of us financially devastated. While we are marginally "wealthy" and comfortable now together, neither of us would be able to live completely apart in the lifestyle to which we are accustomed. The other aspect of security (for the future) is just being together; pledged to be there for one another per our vows, to take care of each other in our old age and when we become feeble. ALONE with no partner is not the place she ever wishes to be, and neither do I.

[phili]

Thanks! This is all really helpful. I'll go back to work on it. If there is any way to bring our SOs around in a win/win I want to find it.

It is prescriptive but tries to be a stepwise framework for actual discussion. I'll edit it again to see if I can make that more clear and inviting.

I accept Forum member skepticism of my appeal to the marriage vow idea of relationship or the simple family definition- that family will try to help, after the anger subsides. Thank you for pointing out this involves a very big loss for the SO and I haven't directly acknowledged that- I assumed it was understood much as in and discovery that leads to family crisis, but it needs its own discussion.

The full version is more detailed and tries to call forth natural sympathy so the urge to talk and listen arises, as opposed to the fear and desire to block out or escape.

Thank you for pointing out that the concept of betrayal needs to be addressed, and I guess that is under forgiveness- as this probably feels much like cheating., but it is often a deal breaker and that undermines my basic appeal.

[Allsteamedup]

Phili, any attempt to improve matters is worth a try. Unfortunately, you do not seem to appreciate that there is no persuading to be done to reach acceptance: your writing shows that as with most cders, the way you look at things is completely different from a female partners point of view.

Much is lost in the initial claim that, for no particular reason, you would like to wear a dress. Before two weeks are out you have the dresses and makeup of a theatrical touring company. Then you want to go out into the world. You want to make your features less manly. In the middle of this is a woman who cannot frame questions because she cannot put all this together in her own head.

Much could be achieved if cders recognised that a lot of the apparent acceptance and recognition they seek belongs to their own imaginings of how women live. In most cases the ideas of girly times and shared makeup advice are sheer fantasy; what we offer to each other is support and loyalty which has nothing to do with what we wear.

You also need more knowledge of how women develop their sexuality, which is so threatened by a cross-dressing partner. Women hate to deal in negatives so for the cder to raise these issues would be better than trying persuasion to accept something so threatening to the female partner.

[Teresa]

Phili,
There was so much I was nodding in agreement over , you can dress it up as much as you like ( please excuse the pun !) but some women will never relate to it, they are as varied as us . It 's good to see some GGs reply to this to give the issue some balance .

I know we strive to perfect the outer appearance to express our inner feelings which as you say go very deep and that is one of the biggest hurdles, to a woman we are all male or she wouldn't have married us. I understand this point but it does make our own understanding that much harder.

I'm afraid most of us have to accept we either married the right person or we didn't , it looks like I made that mistake but it's no one's fault. CDing takes time for most of us to emerge, it doesn't hit many of us until our mid forties , I keep commenting on this point about the number who come out at this time. Although it started early in my childhood and it was mostly hidden there does come a point in time when the inner feelings and needs grow too strong .

I understand Ilene's comment about the financial hit if we separate , but happiness has to come into the equation a well , only today my wife gave me some harsh words on this subject . Letting go of so much losing our current living standard , but most of that is associated with what other people think , the assumption is everyone's life is a bed of roses.

OK CDing will give me a different life but I don't see it as lowering any standards , of letting people down, it's being totally honest for once , our existing life while married is not going to improve. CDing may not be the whole picture but I hate to say it Phili you piece no matter how well written would have fallen on deaf ears with my wife as it will with a majority of women, ironically the ones who may agree with you probably don't have CDing husbands. Of course it's not on their doorstep !

[Allsteamedup]

Female partners are willing to listen to cders feelings of femaleness. Women tend to rationalise these as opposed to the cders expressing emotionally how they feel. Many women will empathise with their partners situation but that is not to be taken advantage of; the female partner's own doubts and fears carry equal weight.

Why is it so difficult for a cder to consider these doubts and fears? Is it because cding is all about you? Imagine trying to console a crying infant who says 'Daddy, I am afraid of the dark'. You try to say there is nothing there, nothing to be afraid of, I'll leave the light on.....is that child really convinced that there is nothing there to be afraid of?

As with female partners who do not see their husband in the female display, who fear this other woman taking over their relationship, who begin to doubt their own femaleness, their fears are tangible. They can be dealt with but it takes time, circumstances and a lot of patience and understanding on the part of the cder. Some knowledge of how female sexuality is formed would benefit all cders in a relationship with a woman.

One point which must be remembered, and there are some out there who will not want to accept this, your female partner is the alpha woman in the relationship. Any attempt by you to be alpha or upstage her in any way will always be resisted.