How do you deal with the severe depression/crash afterwards

[nikkim83]

I have known I was different for many years. I am lucky and fortunate that I have a sincere supportive wife, and I am grateful beyond all belief for her. I had a fantastic Nickie weekend as some of you have seen in the pictures forum. Unfortunately today I am having a tough time coming out of it. I did not want to go back to being Nick I wanted in my heart of hearts to stay Nickie. Most days I wake up I don't look in the mirror because the first thing I see is my huge Adams apple staring back at me. Given the honest choice between a skirt and stockings and heels, or jeans and sneakers I am going with the first every single time. I used to think it was just a fetish, but truthfully, today hurts, as does pretty much every other day I go back to being Nick after being Nickie. I have never felt transitioning was right for me, because quite frankly I love to go outside and turn a wrench, or rebuild a boat, or go fishing, not to mention the absolute wake of destruction in my path as well. I have 4 young children I couldn't do that to, nor am I willing to lose my wife of over a decade, and she has made it clear she will always be my best friend, but if it were to proceed any further it ends in divorce. So now I feel lost not myself and trapped, I just want my cake and to eat it too. I don't want to go back to being Nick, but I can't stay as Nickie.

What is your coping mechanism, Is it Ben and Jerry's, movies, work, none of it seems to be working today.

[Dana44]

Wiow, Nikki, How I do it? I stay male Monday through Wednesday maybe Thursday to keep her happy. But from Thursday through Sunday, I am fem. If we go out I am fem and we went out last week. So we go out fem and in male mode. My home town has only seen me fem. The next town over has seen me male. I would like to be fill time also but we have to keep our girls happy.

[Tina_gm]

Just a thought, I do understand about having a life you don't want to unravel. A wife, kids, interests etc etc. Rather than the black and white of nick and nikki, maybe carry around with you in some small ways nikki. I see so many people on here who have such a strong male vs. female mode. Such a total opposite. And like many, they wish for more, or all of their time to be female, yet like you have so much of a life invested. Now I will also say too that usually, those who do transition feel a true need and that there is no connection to being a male, so it's not so much of changing gender as just freeing themselves of the prison of their born gender to simply be who they are. Now for those who do have both gender sides, or that the need is not strong enough to make the drastic change, yet still there is so much frustration, I would suggest finding small ways to carry around with you your feminine side. One thing I do, is grow my nails. Not crazy long, but long enough to be at least in the questionable length. Just something that I can keep my feminine side with me at all times and have it visible, and to be able to feel it in a sense, like me typing on this keyboard and my nails just long enough to make contact with the keys.

[Becoming Brianna]

I can totally feel your pain about not wanting to lose the people you love. My girlfriend has told me that she is not going to stay with me if I transition and I would really hate to lose her.However, if returning to your male life after CDing is difficult for you, if you have trouble looking at yourself in the mirror because of a prominent male feature,such as an Adam's apple,if you exhibit a strong and consistent preference for female clothing and presentation, and it's more than "just a fetish" then you may have more to think about than you realize. Also remember, the activities you enjoy have no bearing on gender identity. For instance, I enjoy watching football and all kinds of sports, but have recently come to terms more or less with my own identity. This is only my experience but it sounds like you may be approaching a crossroads between your present life and your identity and could possibly benefit from some guidance from a professional with respect to these issues.

[Christie ann]

Coping mechanism? Just the memories I make when out as Christine. I purposely do not take pictures, for one I know that somehow one will be shared on some other device in the house, but two, I think it allows me to really remember my Christie time. Right now, I can live with that while keeping the family intact.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Two words -- Retail Therapy. That is to say, I shop. I have a monthly budget, so when that's spent, all I can do is window shop.

[nikkim83]

I just am finding no inner peace today, and I feel absolutely tormented. I have had every single thought imaginable. I know I am not society's definition of normal, and quite frankly I don't care anymore. I have thought of therapy or counseling, I have thought about seeing a Dr for an anti depressant. A counselor to at least maybe discuss future options. My Doctor to discuss whether or not I have a hormone problem (I don't grow bodily hair other than leg and underarm, I can't grow a mustache even) I am 34, and I don't have a an overly male body, maybe a swimmers body but I have always been a small framed guy 5'10 and 158 lbs. I just don't know. I am completely lost, I just know I don't want to be Nick and I can't be Nickie.

[Tina_gm]

One question would be what it is that is tormenting you. Being a man, or not being a woman? It sounds like the same question but it really isn't. I would still advise before making very very large changes to 1st try blending yourself a bit. I am not against transitioning whatsoever. In the end though, and this sometimes sucks for us, because we end up having to make a very hard and very big decision. What is hardest to do. Say good bye to the life we have, and those in it, at least in their current roles, as well as our roles to them. To be a father, a husband, a son. To transition means we can no longer be those things, yet, if being a man makes us suffer so much that we cannot fulfill being those, then perhaps it truly is time to start looking in that direction. I do think blending may help. It helps me quite a bit.

[nikkim83]

One question would be what it is that is tormenting you. Being a man, or not being a woman? It sounds like the same question but it really isn't. I would still advise before making very very large changes to 1st try blending yourself a bit. I am not against transitioning whatsoever. In the end though, and this sometimes sucks for us, because we end up having to make a very hard and very big decision. What is hardest to do. Say good bye to the life we have, and those in it, at least in their current roles, as well as our roles to them. To be a father, a husband, a son. To transition means we can no longer be those things, yet, if being a man makes us suffer so much that we cannot fulfill being those, then perhaps it truly is time to start looking in that direction. I do think blending may help. It helps me quite a bit.

Whats tormenting me is looking in the mirror and not seeing Nickie staring back at me. I have started doing things like refusing to cut my hair. I sleep mostly in Camis and boyshorts now. I am Nickie on average once per week.

[Maria Blackwood]

Amino acid supplements. 1000 mg L-Tyrosine with breakfast and lunch with a B-complex pill. and L-Tryptophan before bed. These are dopamine and serotonin precursors. Over the counter. I get mine from Amazon.

The change in feeling is very subtle, but it definitely gets me up and doing things again instead of staring at the wall or lying in bed. It's hard to describe.

Heres a link to the ebook where I learned it. http://www.thewayup.com/ebook/f/TheWayUp.pdf

As with anything like this, YMMV.

[Robertacd]

I know the feeling of not wanting to go back, but over time I have realized that I don't have to be fully dressed and made up to feel feminine. Working a little women's clothing into a male wardrobe works for me. Underdressing as we like to call it, women's jeans, shorts, even tops.

[Joni T]

How do I cope with it? I just do. No problem.
Jon

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I find your 2 posts very moving Nickie.

It does seem significant that you grow so little body hair. Perhaps it's worth exploring your hormone levels with a specialist? Given your powerful urge to remain with your wife, perhaps there are chemical solutions to your apparent lack of testosterone? It's not that I think you ought to reduce Nickie's percentage in your life, but clearly you need to do something about the torment you're feeling.

I urge you to seek a therapist qualified in gender dysphoria. Writing in to this forum is a lot better than nothing, and there is some good solid advice here, but it isn't as good as talking with someone in person who has professional experience of helping people deal with the feelings you're going through.

I wish you strength.

Hugs, Nikki

[Stephanie47]

Frankly, I think you enumerated all the people who help you deal with withdrawal symptoms. I strive to lead a balanced life and set priorities. Actually, there is nothing stopping a woman from handling tools, building a boat or going fishing. If you really really feel so depressed you should consider therapy. As to the type of body you have for a male it is no different than many I have seen. Unless you're truly a candidate for transitioning, i.e., a plain vanilla cross dresser, you need to evaluate your priorities. Sometimes expressing the feminine side and being frustrated not to be able to do it anytime you want is a symptom of too much stress as a husband, father and employee. Perhaps you're trying to run away from it all???

[faltenrock]

Nikki, I can relate to your feelings.
To me it seems you're fairly new to going out en femme and haven't done it too often yet. I know by many years of experience that going out dressed can be very very addictive and you want more of that. It seem like a sensational feeling and experience to do that.

From what you say I would suggest to work with a therapist - eventually. I think a lot of result after visiting a therapist is that they tell you you're TS.
Don't rush things now, get slow and find for yourself who you are and what you feel. Things/relationships and marriages can be destroyed fast and easily without a chance to reverse.

I'm going out en femme on a regular basis (every 4-8 weeks), depending on my business and all kinds of things, usually I go out for 1-3 days. After having done that, the truth for me is, I don't like to be Doreen for more than two or max. three days. After that time, I feel like I want to be back who I am most of my life, the guy, father, husband and professional person. I think it's all about your personal BALANCE.

Some of us, actually quite many, go all the way to become a woman at some point. I've seen a lot of people who started as a CD and ended up becoming a woman with all the consequences. Knowing some of them as CD, I knew it would be only a question of time before they actually realize that they would rather life 24 hrs as a woman.

Take your time to find out who you are.

I feel what you say. Sometimes I also have trouble after a great weekend en femme to go back to normal, but every one has to find a balance.

I wish you good luck.

[suzy1]

As my marriage was falling apart[nothing to do with CDing, she never new] she would go off on holidays and I would be Suzy for two wonderful weeks. Saying goodbye to Suzy [metaphorically speaking] the day she came back was probably something like what you are describing here so I think I can relate.
The simple answer is you have to accept what you can’t change in this life so you ether deal with it or you don’t.
If you can’t and real depression [not just feeling low] is something you feel you are suffering from then you need help from your doctor. I once suffered from clinical depression and my doctor plus the help of modern antidepressants pulled me through and saved my life.
Hope this helps in some way Nikki

[Lisa Roberts]

Oh Nikki.... you are not alone my dear. I suffer through the same emotional torment daily. I have been seeing a therapist for three years and it has been quite helpful to help me understand who I truly am. And quite honestly, there or two of me. Lisa seems to be the strongest of my genders. Yet I still have to be a husband, a father and an employee. All of the aforementioned would disappear if I were to fully transition into being a woman. If I could snap my fingers and be a complete woman tomorrow, I would do it instantly. Your torment and pain is real, and you have reached out to some amazing people who have given you excellent feedback. I beg you please, please find a good therapist who will help you down this road. Don't settle for a counselor who will try to "fix"you. I just pray that you find the balance. By the way, try panties and a camisole under your regular clothes. That would keep you close to the Nikki that you yearn to be.
My heart is with you.
Lace and Smiles
Lisa

[Danielle t]

Nikki I feel like I am in the same boat as you I just take it day by day take it slow and try to make the best out of it sometimes I wear feminine clothing and still work on my boat cars etc. I am starting to consider seeing a therapist some days are harder than others like gendermutt said at some type of feminine things in your daily wardrobe does help and I hear you on being on the small side I'm 5.9 140 lbs which doesn't make you feel masculine at all you made me jealous that you do not grow hair because I am tired of shaving I want to gets too long it itches

[Lana Mae]

Oh, Nikki! I feel for you! I had a transformation done and for four days was dressed as Lana Mae 24 hours! On the day I left, I cried almost all day long! I,too, have to be male most of the time(work, daughter, other self imposed reasons)! I wear panties woman's jeans and shoes on most days! I do not dress often (completely) but stealth/underdress most of the time I also wear feminine night shirts to bed every night! I wear nail polish 24/7 and have had my ears pierced! If you are having depression-true depression, I suggest a gender therapist to help deal with the gender dysphoria! Best wishes for a great outcome! Hugs Lana Mae

[Laura912]

There are good pieces of advice here, but based on the desperation in your original post, it is time for you to have a few visits with a therapist who is a specialist in gender issues for some counseling. Does not mean your future is determined if you do that. Most likely you will gain some coping skills. This is coming from someone in medicine and who coped for 75 years...and still dealing with being mixed gender.

[Tracii G]

How about realizing what is reality and what is a fantasy?
How do I cope ?
I have no idea I just do, its never been a problem because I deal with the reality of the situation and don't let a fantasy rule my life.
You are a man and not a woman you know this to be a reality.
You feel and you enjoy dressing as a woman but that part is a fantasy at this point because you are not in the process of transitioning.

[nikkim83]

How about realizing what is reality and what is a fantasy?
How do I cope ?
I have no idea I just do, its never been a problem because I deal with the reality of the situation and don't let a fantasy rule my life.
You are a man and not a woman you know this to be a reality.
You feel and you enjoy dressing as a woman but that part is a fantasy at this point because you are not in the process of transitioning.

Traci. You are right its reality. Its a reality that i hate, but none the less a reality. Its my reality, and I need to suck it up buttercup and face facts. I dont want to but it is what it is. I dont want to be nick. I made decisions earlier in my life that arr dictating what I am and who I am now. So deal I am just tired of hurting

[Fiona123]

I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I deal with my depression with daily workouts @ a gym. I also see a therapist.

[Tracii G]

Nikki I have been there and its not easy so I do understand what you are feeling. I'm not trying to be cold and indifferent just presenting the facts.

[nikkim83]

Nikki I have been there and its not easy so I do understand what you are feeling. I'm not trying to be cold and indifferent just presenting the facts.

To a certain extent while cold and indifferent, facts are facts. The struggle I am having is do I hate MY reality so much I need to change it. And there in is my struggle. If I were 21 again prechildren pre marriage pre obligations I would have already been at a counselor. So now the reality is do I jate myself so much as to destroy my whole life.