The tipping point?

[Sarah Doepner]

Like so many others here I have a couple of struggles. One is the difficulty in ending a dressing session, you know, recognizing you have spent an hour longer than you planned but there is always one more outfit or dress to try on. The second is the difficulty in coming out to those around you, family and friends. While I've come out to many in the family and have been outed to a couple others (who seem to be handling it with respect for me), I still haven't come out to my oldest friends. I'm retired so work is not an issue and I don't belong to a faith community of any sort. There are family members who don't know (or shouldn't know), but so far everyone has been supportive. It's grandkids who seem to be among the last to deal with, but that's the parents responsibility, not mine.

That coming out to friends is still more difficult than changing back to guy mode. When I'm en femme I feel confident that I could do whatever I want, go where I will, but that will eventually require letting some key people in my life know I'm Transgender. I'm starting to think that one of these days it will be easier to come out and to change modes. I'm not sure where I'm at in regards to that tipping point, but it is something I'm thinking about more now than in the past. I'm not sure what the things are that weigh on either side, but comfort with my femininity is beginning to exert more pressure on that side of the scale every time I dress.

I suppose there should be several other factors to consider but these seem to be the balance point for now. What am I missing?

[Tracy Irving]

There is the possibility that some of your friends don't feel the same way you do about it and they may become a little more distant or give up on you entirely. But you know that as part of the whole tipping point and what is more important to you. We only have one life to live so do what you need to be happy. If worse comes to worse you can always make new friends but your feminine side will be with you forever.

[Rachael Leigh]

Sarah, I know right where your coming from, I too am coming out to more people and my coworkers of those I've told have
been quite supportive. The next step is can I ever tell important family and will I take thr step to present at work.
This will be difficult but it seems it's going to happen but the when is always the tough one

[kimdl93]

I don't think you're missing anything. For now, if I'm understanding you correctly, you've decided to come out to those people that for one reason or another, need to know. People that matter and people that your are likely to encounter in day to day life.

And I gather that there are people who don't know at the moment because you've decided that, at least for now, it makes no difference and has no benefit (such as not having to switch back to male mode).

The question then remains, will there be a tipping point, a point when your need to live presenting as female without changing "back". The tipping point may upset the balance so that you are totally out? From what you've written over the years, it seems you're clearly moving towards that point, and would be happy with living full time as a woman. Is that a fair assessement?

[Nikki A.]

Great question and a tough answer. I'm reaching a tipping point of sort also. There are people who still need to be told and others that do know. I do go out as Nikki, go to church, shop, etc.
I have a few more years before retiring and I doubt I will go too much further until I'm ready to throw in the towel. But of course, I have already gone further than I expected and am comfortable doing so.

[Alice B]

I understand. All my family, extended family and their friends know about Alice. But, I could never or will ever revel this part of my to my closest friends. These friendships are based upon who I have been and the things we have done before Alice. I see no advantage to disrupting this friendship basis, even if I thought they would understand. I am condidering a halloween outfit thatis 1/2 male and 1/2 female. Coukd be a hoot.

[Sarah Doepner]

. . .The question then remains, will there be a tipping point, a point when your need to live presenting as female without changing "back". The tipping point may upset the balance so that you are totally out? From what you've written over the years, it seems you're clearly moving towards that point, and would be happy with living full time as a woman. Is that a fair assessement?

Kim,

Looking back, as you have done (thank you for that), there has been a semi coherent arc in the direction of more and more time desired as a woman. I guess my ultimate goal is still under review while this one in a long series of tipping points is approached. I don't know if I would be happy living full time as a woman, but I would like the chance to find out if it's something that really would resolve the questions I've had over the years. So, it's not "THE" tipping point. It's another in a long series that all have tipped in the same general direction. Tip toward "borrowing" that pair of panties, Tip toward getting something of my own, Tip toward trying makeup, Tip toward removing the facial hair, Tip toward reaching out to another CD, Tip toward dressing full on, Tip toward going out the door, Tip toward being open to others, Tip toward . . . . . ???

At some point we probably end up not being so analytical about it and just take the next step. So maybe that's more of the kind of problem I and maybe others face, over-thinking the issue at levels no one else even cares about, and if they do, it's more their problem than mine. I guess I better think about it a while longer.

[Sara Jessica]

Sarah, this is a tricky balance that you are dealing with. In my opinion, the main question when dealing with who "needs to know" is what the endgame is. If you want to eliminate your no-fly zone and present as you wish on any given day, whether female or male, then more need to know...lest they find out on terms that you will find to be less than ideal.

[docrobbysherry]

Sarah, I have no desire to live as a female.

However, a few weeks ago I was visiting a life long guy friend I rarely see anymore because he lives so far away. But, like another old time close friend who lives nearby, when I tried to explain about my secret life? Neither one of them wanted to know about it if they had to keep it a secret!

[Jaylyn]

I feel the tipping point of coming out is simply different for every one in every circumstance. I can dress once or twice a week and enjoy a few hours by myself and been doing it for years. I've had the wanting to meetup with other crossdressers, even thought about traveling to a conference but usually that thought goes away with an hour of dressing. I guess every tipping point is different.

[Sarah Doepner]

Well, I'm still trying, after years and years, to get a handle on this and it keeps squirming out of my grasp. There are times when I'm comfortable as hell with it and see no need to have anything change. Then come times like I've been feeling lately and I want to shake things up and begin to resent some of the restrictions I willingly accepted out of respect for others. Like so many other choices in our lives, our willingness to accept a tipping point and follow through with it can become an unexpected tipping point for someone else. In their case it is not founded on a lot of consideration and becomes a reflex response, often a negative one. Rather than rushing toward the light that actually may be a flame, I like to step back and be a little circumspect and philosophic. That's what's happening to me now.

I'm testing out the idea of tipping points now, but not committed to it. Another way of looking at it is thresholds, like those hotel doors we stand at a dozen times with our hand on the knob deciding if we have the strength to turn it and leave the room. Sometimes it's attitudes toward others or it's learning how to explain first to ourselves before we can explain it to others that we need to check off before progress can be made. Tipping points seems to work as well as any other metaphor I guess. So part of this is discovering the process that upsets the existing balance of things and moves us along on a new trajectory. Part of this is finding out where I stand in that process. And part of it is attempting to see where that process ends, and that is the piece we have little or no control over. But as my Signature Line says "Being Transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is."

In writing about my situation, my understanding of my needs and desires (often very different things) are forced through a series of tests and gates. Priorities are balanced and most of the time I'm able to avoid decisions based only in frustration. I appreciate having a forum like this where I can visit these issues and get some insight from others experiences and views of life. Your input and observations help in ways you may not realize. In fact, they sometimes help in ways I don't realize until a choice is made and I see that it has worked out as predicted by someone here. Sometimes it makes me smile, sometimes it's just a smirk saying "I shoulda listened".

[Stacy Darling]

The Tipping point Sarah?

The point at which we say that this is who I am!

The point at which my life changed and I still can't just can't fix!

Keep your guy mode fully in the background as going out full girly is damn scary!
Stacy!