It's been a while...

[Periwinkle]

Oooooh boy. I haven't been here in so long. I apologize for just disappearing like that. Summer was quite the wild ride this year, and so much has changed.

I stopped crossdressing for a long while. Not really because I wanted to stop, but rather because my mental health was (and still is) suffering. I've come to notice that when I'm under a significant amount of stress, I just don't have the will to do it. Or anything else, really. I basically shut down.

The reason for this stress was that my partner moved in. For many others, this would be a happy occasion, but it turned my life upside down. I expected some changes for certain. He wasn't crazy about crossdressing, so I was prepared to only do it at certain times when he'd be gone. I was expecting him to need some financial help so he could get a car, and I was expecting that for a week at least, I wouldn't be seeing my best friend very much because I was helping my partner settle in.

He never stopped needing my financial aid, I barely saw my best friend all summer, he doesn't get along with said best friend, or my family... And the list goes on and on... I love him a lot, but he's made us feel so isolated when we're together. He doesn't seem to want to talk to me very much. He doesn't even like it when I reach out to others to talk about our relationship problems and try to get advice. The stress of it made me stop crossdressing at all for a while.

Only this week did I finally pick it up again. I've been doing it regularly for a few days now. I don't feel much better. I've just become numb to the stress I'm feeling. But when I crossdress, I get to be someone else for a while. I don't know how helpful that is. I can't help but feel like I want to just run away. Just become Periwinkle and start all over again in a new town with new people and new dreams.

Holy crap I probably sound really depressing. Good thing I'm looking for a therapist.

Anyways, I'm back, I'm sad, but I'm trying to find ways to fix that! I might not feel good, but I'm hopeful for the future.

[Micki_Finn]

Sorry, but that doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. Maybe time to re-evaluate?

[Periwinkle]

That's what my friends and family say too... And I don't doubt it. But this was my first relationship. I didn't even start it on my own, so I don't really know how to end it.

[Micki_Finn]

Well the easy way would be to say “hey freeloader, get the hell out”. Unfortunately you have moved in together so you can’t exactly just force him out. If you broke it off with him he might leave on his own, but be ready to have to move yourself (assuming you end the relationship).

[Periwinkle]

Well, the nice thing about this situation is that I don't have to go anywhere. We live in my dad's house, and he knows I'm not financially able to move out yet. He wants me to stick around until I'm done with school. If anyone is leaving, it's my partner. Who hasn't been very nice to my dad anyway.

[Gillian Gigs]

I'm going to quote you from two different postings:
1.I was expecting him to need some financial help so he could get a car, and I was expecting that for a week at least,
2.He never stopped needing my financial aid,
3. he knows I'm not financially able to move out yet.

Another quote; rather because my mental health was (and still is) suffering.

Have you not figured out where this stress is coming from???
There is so much bad news here, where to start. If your health has been off then that is maybe the reason you can't hear the alarm bells ringing. Cut this guy out of your life and your health will improve!

[Lana Mae]

Time to move on without your partner! Kick him to the gutter and keep on getting it! This guy is a leach! Stop the money and he will probably go on his own! Best wishes for a positive resolution! Hugs Lana Mae

[Pat]

Staying in a bad relationship because of the anxiety involved in ending it is kind of a classic scenario. It describes tons of girlfriend-stuck-with-lout-boyfriend relationships that are documented in arts, literature and restraining orders through history. They usually don't end well. If you're in your Dad's place, take the easy way out and have your Dad kick him out.

[Kayliedaskope]

Peri, he's NEVER going to stop needing your "financial aid" - he's using you as a meal ticket. Ask him when he's going to start repaying your generosity at being able to stay in your dad's house, or when will he be able to chip in and help with the bills. My guess? Ain't gonna happen.


Girl, time to stop poking along behind the bus at two miles an hour. You have another destination to get to, and it isn't going to be with this guy. Put this clown in the rear view mirror and put the hammer down until you find what you're looking for.

[IamWren]

Peri, I hope you find that therapist soon so he/she confirms what is extremely obvious.... your relationship with your boyfriend is extremely unhealthy. To create a scenario where he isolates you from friends, is antagonistic to your family and takes your money when he knows you have limited amounts are big red flags that this not the person you should be spending time with.

I can certainly understand the stress and difficulty you must feel at the idea of breaking it off. I think having your dad telling him to move out is a great idea. Then block his number and cease all contact. From the little info you’ve provided this relationship does not sound good.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi PW, At your tender young age You have so many choices a for a better life......

[Tracy Irving]

Abuse doesn't have to be physical. I have know people who were financially as well.as mentally abused. I see no upside for you continuing this relationship. If you do end it though, things can only get better.

[Ressie]

Sometimes it's easier to end a relationship by forcing the other person to end it. In this case that would be not giving him any more money. You can also start neglecting him. Start CDing all the time and tell him you can't stop. If that doesn't work, you could even lose your job (until he moves out). After all of that he may still hang on for a free place to live. If so, what can you do to make living there unbearable for him?

Perri, you don't see what's going on because love is blind. Everyone else sees that this relationship is causing your depression. It has to end one way or another. You'll be much happier in no time.

[Kayliedaskope]

Abuse doesn't have to be physical. I have know people who were financially as well.as mentally abused. I see no upside for you continuing this relationship. If you do end it though, things can only get better.

Word.

My brother and I were and still are being verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused by a cousin. It makes her feel powerful to discredit us and run us down. I won't go into any more details, but the wind of change is coming, and it's going to be a hurricane when it hits.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

hello Periwinkle.

You've mentioned a number of things that are wrong with your relationship, and although you say you love the person, you haven't actually mentioned anything about him which is good.

You've also mentioned that your father is helping to subsidise the guy's existence, which I imagine is putting a strain on your relationship with your father.

I'm wondering two things. Is your father resident in the same building, and at what point did your mother depart?

Have you seen first hand what a healthy relationship looks like? What was your parents' relationship like? Can you think of any other couple you've known whose relationship matches your own?

It's easy when you're young and inexperienced to fall into the trap of settling for a highly compromised relationship. Accepting this many compromises may simply be because you're getting laid regularly for the first time in your life, or because you think you should be in a (any) relationship, or because you fear of finding someone else, or because you don't want to feel a failure for breaking it off - I'm just guessing.

What I'm saying is that IMO your relationship with this person is very unhealthy - for both of you - and that could be an angle to use if you decide that you've had enough. It could go something like this:

'I feel unhappy with you. You've made no effort to contribute financially, or socially. You seem to expect me to make all the compromises, while offering nothing in return. I'm not experienced at romantic relationships, but I see that loving you isn't just unrewarding, it's toxic. I know I can do better. You've asked me to sacrifice my friendships, my family, what little financial security I have, and I've felt stressed and miserable because you are impossible to please. I know that this cannot be good for either of us. I see no hope for this relationship, and I believe the adult thing for both of us to do is to move on. I'd like you to leave now.'

He may beg for time, or for another chance; he may swear he'll change; he may hold out a carrot like offering to have your best friend over for dinner. You may find it very difficult to be firm, but dear Periwinkle, this guy learned long ago how to get what he wants from others- trust me, he will not change, he will only continue taking advantage of a good thing, for as long as you're prepared to go on putting up with him.

If you really can't face ending the relationship on your own, I agree with Pat that your dad might be willing to help. There's nothing wrong with accepting help from your dad- it's what dads are for. I think any therapist will encourage you to step away from this man: I can't bring myself to call him your partner, because in no way are you partners. Partners are equals. They share burdens. They support each other.

They do not act as this man is acting towards you.

You can do better, but don't wait for him to make the break.

Hugs, Nikki

[Dana44]

There has been very good advice here. Yet you need to break off this relationship as he is getting a freeloader form you. You need to move on and get your life in order. Things will get better a lot better and you can find a new partner in the future when you are ready. Yet school work is the most important thing for you to accomplish.

[Kayliedaskope]

Best Answer To Date presented by: Nikki !

I hope that things work out well for you, Peri. Better to have no relationship at all than being in an abusive one.

[Periwinkle]

Well... I ended up breaking up with him.

I did it over text, which may not have been the most mature way to go about it, but I wouldn't have been able to do it in person. He had yelled at me before I did it so I was nervous.

As I expected, he flipped out. He doesn't want to. But the language he used was clearly manipulative, so I stood fairly firm.

At some point last night, one of his friends went around trying to get the whole story from him, my best friend, and myself. She told him that he was hurting our relationship the most, and he calmed down after that.

He sent me a long apology today, but I don't know how to feel about it. I know that he has a lot of things he needs to work on, and he needs to develop more as an individual. I know he needs to move out. But after everything that happened, I don't even know how I feel about him any more. I think it's best for us to spend some time apart.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Well done Periwinkle. It doesn't matter how you said it- you said it.

I'm glad you could see his manipulation for what it is.

Now stand firm. You'll learn from this relationship, at least to spot signs early on of what you don't want from a lover.

Who knows, he may learn something too.