Hi all,
I'm still relatively early in my TS journey. Becoming 50 years old soon, I have come to terms with the fact that I truly am a TS (and not av TV or other type) and that I need to transition to female to be able to live a happy life. I have also come out to my wife, siblings and many friends, whom I have told that one day I will live my life fully as Caroline. It is hard for my wife (we also have three small kids), but she tells me that she wants to support me and continue to live married to me, as long as I go slowly and let her adjust. I'm very thankful for this.
Transgender health care in Sweden is covered by the National heath care system, which includes therapy and then HRT, diathermy, vocal training, BA and SRS (not FFS). This is great. The only drawback is that there is a long waiting list. I can hope to start HRT in maybe a year from now, which feels a very long time. I'm seeing a therapist on my own expense, but that will not shorten the waiting time for the officially sponsored HRT program. I frequently dress as Caroline in my spare time, but I will only to the transition at work (effectively the full 24/7 transition) sometime after a few months of HRT. This means sometime in the end of 2018.
I now experience that my gender dysphoria intensifies. It comes and goes, and I am now on day three in a very intense period. Sometimes it feels that I just want to cry. When I dress for work in the morning, I let my hand feel the soft fabrics of my blouses and the smart pencil skirts in my Caroline section of the closet, dreaming of putting it on for work, before I reluctantly put on my male suit. Sitting in business meetings at work with women present, especially women who dress in a way that I envision Caroline to dress in the office one day, seriously distracts me and intensifies my dysphoria.
I have developed a few tricks to try to lighten the burden at work. Sometimes I just look at my favorite pictures of Caroline in my phone, and remind myself that I will one day be Caroline full time. See sample pictures below. When that is not enough, I sneak out from office and visit a nearby female clothing store, grab some clothes to try on, and wear them in the changing rooms. All of a sudden, the dysphoria melts away, at least for as long as I stay in the store. But then remorse hits me. Being the CEO of a financial institution, can I really sneak out from work and try on female clothing? At the same time, I need to to what is necessary to regain my calmness and deliver at work.
What tricks have you used when your gender dysphoria has been bad?
(I'm attaching the pictures to give you an insight into dealing with my dysphoria.)