Dealing with dysphoria

[Caroline Varg]

Hi all,
I'm still relatively early in my TS journey. Becoming 50 years old soon, I have come to terms with the fact that I truly am a TS (and not av TV or other type) and that I need to transition to female to be able to live a happy life. I have also come out to my wife, siblings and many friends, whom I have told that one day I will live my life fully as Caroline. It is hard for my wife (we also have three small kids), but she tells me that she wants to support me and continue to live married to me, as long as I go slowly and let her adjust. I'm very thankful for this.

Transgender health care in Sweden is covered by the National heath care system, which includes therapy and then HRT, diathermy, vocal training, BA and SRS (not FFS). This is great. The only drawback is that there is a long waiting list. I can hope to start HRT in maybe a year from now, which feels a very long time. I'm seeing a therapist on my own expense, but that will not shorten the waiting time for the officially sponsored HRT program. I frequently dress as Caroline in my spare time, but I will only to the transition at work (effectively the full 24/7 transition) sometime after a few months of HRT. This means sometime in the end of 2018.

I now experience that my gender dysphoria intensifies. It comes and goes, and I am now on day three in a very intense period. Sometimes it feels that I just want to cry. When I dress for work in the morning, I let my hand feel the soft fabrics of my blouses and the smart pencil skirts in my Caroline section of the closet, dreaming of putting it on for work, before I reluctantly put on my male suit. Sitting in business meetings at work with women present, especially women who dress in a way that I envision Caroline to dress in the office one day, seriously distracts me and intensifies my dysphoria.

I have developed a few tricks to try to lighten the burden at work. Sometimes I just look at my favorite pictures of Caroline in my phone, and remind myself that I will one day be Caroline full time. See sample pictures below. When that is not enough, I sneak out from office and visit a nearby female clothing store, grab some clothes to try on, and wear them in the changing rooms. All of a sudden, the dysphoria melts away, at least for as long as I stay in the store. But then remorse hits me. Being the CEO of a financial institution, can I really sneak out from work and try on female clothing? At the same time, I need to to what is necessary to regain my calmness and deliver at work.

What tricks have you used when your gender dysphoria has been bad?

(I'm attaching the pictures to give you an insight into dealing with my dysphoria.)

[Mirya]

Yes, I felt the same way early in my transition. For me though, I didn't fully admit and accept myself as a TS woman until about 5 weeks on HRT. But once I did, my gender dysphoria intensified and living as a male became exponentially difficult. I only lasted 3 more months living as a male and then went full-time, never looking back. So you see I'm not the best at giving out advice for coping strategies, because I couldn't cope at all, lol.

[Sara Olivia]

Caroline, I know exactly how you feel and how difficult it can be waiting for the day when you finally can live your life as the person you were truly meant to be. I was at the point you are probably about 5 years ago. I am not going to sugar coat it. They were not easy years especially the first couple of years when the children did not know yet that I was transgender. I work a compressed work week meaning that in a two week period I would work nine days. This meant I had one day every two weeks, where once the kids were off to school I could spend the entire day presenting as Sara. That is how I coped. It wasn't easy and wasn't much but at least it was something. I understand that as CEO of a financial institution that may be difficult for you to arrange.

Things improved dramatically once my wife and I sat our kids down and explained about Sara to them. This was after consulting with a psychologist as to the best way to tell them. This meant that now I could go into my office to be Sara some evenings while the kids were upstairs going about their evening with homework or watching television. It wasn't long, less than a month, before they told me that I could be Sara upstairs with them in the room, that they would be ok with it. So slowly Sara began to replace my male persona over time. Recently the four of us were at a restaurant together, with me presenting as Sara. Later that evening in private my wife queried the children about how they felt being in a public place with essentially their dad looking like a girl. Their response was that they hadn't even thought about it because they were now so used to seeing me as Sara that it didn't really even register with them at the restaurant. Perhaps you can pursue a similar path where your wife and you confide Caroline to your children. This may perhaps allow you to deal with the dysphoria as you need to while giving your family time to get used to the new you. I sincerely hope that you will find a solution to your coping dilemma.

[RADER]

Caroline;
You look great; I do believe all your fears will subside with time.
The more you look like a Woman, the more you will be that beautiful Woman.
Rader

[Caroline Varg]

Thanks for responses. The thing is that I do get to dress to various degrees quite once in a while. My kids (age 11,11 and 6) have seen me dressed very often at home (only rarely with makeup, though) with nu issues from their side. I have not just yet had the conversation that it will be permanently. My wife prefers me not to dress in her presence at home, as it reminds her of the coming transition, which she is still doing her best to cope with.

In any case, while presenting as Caroline is my best medicine to deal with dysphoria, it also creates a backlash. On Wednesday the last week, I went to an open-minded party fully dressed as Caroline (the long black dress on the picture above). It was a blast and I truly enjoyed myself. But when I dressed as a man the remaineder of the working week, I had intense dysphoria. Wearing a dress at home Thursday evening could only partly lower the dysphoria. It seems that the intense periods of dysphoria come as a nasty "hangovers" after a great night out as Caroline. Therefore it is unclear for me whether I do myself a favor going out often as Caroline now, realising that the dysphoria will hit me as a truck the days after. But when I do present myself as Caroline, I'm having like the best time in my life!

Anyway, any further strategies on how to deal with dysphoria is most welcome!

[Pat]

It seems that the intense periods of dysphoria come as a nasty "hangovers" after a great night out as Caroline. Therefore it is unclear for me whether I do myself a favor going out often as Caroline now, realising that the dysphoria will hit me as a truck the days after. But when I do present myself as Caroline, I'm having like the best time in my life!

To me it seems kind of backwards -- the place where you're not doing yourself a favor is going back to male mode. Your head is trying to tell you that it's a destructive thing to do. It's your life, of course, I'm just a little surprised how often people think the solution is to stop being the person who doesn't have dysphoria.

[Mirya]

Do you really have to wait a year before starting HRT? Do you think you will be able to wait a year before starting HRT? If you're the CEO of a financial institution, you're likely to have more financial resources than the average person. Is there a way for you to get started on HRT using your own expenses? Is there a form of additional private healthcare for those who want, need, and can afford for more than the national healthcare system provides?

[IleneD]

Caroline,

Looking at your photos (you are very pretty, look fabulous en femme, I'd say that you are on the right path. You were born for this, so to speak, and your physiotype screams feminine. Going in the direction of a full transition appears to be a sound personal choice. I'm no doctor or therapist, BTW.

I completely understand how you feel by NOT dressing up as Caroline, and having to spend your day as your male (and I assume boring) self. You want to be Caroline.
I just came out to my wife a little over a year ago, after struggling with my own dysphoria in silence for decades. It has not been easy and acceptance has been slow and grudging. I put my femme clothes away for a long period. I did it to cool things down between me and my beloved wife of 40 yrs. The arguing became unbearable. I also did it to learn more about myself, and whether this crossdressing habit was more a a transgender and identity issue. I wanted to know if it was for real, and not a fetish or a latent age phase.

I found myself LONGING for my female clothes. When I packed them away I actually cried. It was like "killing off" a friend. In the absence of my Ilene clothes I suffered for a while, but the attraction to JUST THE CLOTHES eventually faded. What I found was that I could still be Ilene in my guy clothes because I was Ilene and Ilene was me. My femme alter ego wasn't just alter. It was part of the real (inner) me. It didn't take panties, makeup or a dress to evoke my femme side. I found myself simple BEING Ilene, and it was as natural as one can have.
Don't get me wrong. The clothes, the change in appearance and the body shaping that came with dressing up (w pads and breast forms), make a huge difference in my attitude. I can fully visualize BEING Ilene when in female clothes and my wig, etc. BUT..... it wasn't necessary for me to know that inside, I was and am Ilene.

Good luck and God Bless you. I also understand the pain of potentially losing your family. I owe much to my family and wife (especially), and while my heart and soul screams for transition to a full time life as a woman, the disruption to me and those around me just doesn't seem worth the fight. Some times I think it better to continue suffering in the silence I used for the last 50 years. Just eat it and continue life as I am. At least I am dressing more and expressing my inner female as I never did in the past; and The Wife understands crossdressing (though not loving it). But a full transition would destroy our relationship, and she's too good of a life friend for me to do that.

Let us know how things turn for you, dear.
I wish all the best, with all my heart.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you can transition now and start HRT simply at the soonest possible time..

[Caroline Varg]

Thanks all for kind support. I'm doing much better today and the dysphoria is back to a more "normal" and bearable lever. But soon enough it will go back to elevated levels, I'm sure...

To me it seems kind of backwards -- the place where you're not doing yourself a favor is going back to male mode. Your head is trying to tell you that it's a destructive thing to do. It's your life, of course, I'm just a little surprised how often people think the solution is to stop being the person who doesn't have dysphoria.

My comment was rethorical - I know that there is only one way to go for me, and that is forward - forward towards my transition and continued expression as Caroline up until then.

Do you really have to wait a year before starting HRT? Do you think you will be able to wait a year before starting HRT? If you're the CEO of a financial institution, you're likely to have more financial resources than the average person. Is there a way for you to get started on HRT using your own expenses? Is there a form of additional private healthcare for those who want, need, and can afford for more than the national healthcare system provides?

Well, if I want to play "by the book" and get hormones prescribed from a Swedish pharmacy, I need to wait. Endocrinologists in Sweden only accept patients that are referred from the six transgender medicine centers in Sweden, to which I'm on the waiting list. There is no for-rich-people-only way to circumvent the National Health care system in Sweden as it is designed (The US and Sweden are very different countries in this respect). Some people in the trans community, who are truly desperate, self-medicate by ordering hormones from online abroad. But there are risks involved in doing so, including not being under constant supervision from a local endocrinologist. Being close to 50 years old, with the responsibility of my job and providing the income for my family, I'm reluctant to taking the risks with HRT without local medical support.

But of course, the question if I am able to wait is very valid. It could happen one day that I feel the need to start get hormones from non-official sources.

Let us know how things turn for you, dear.
I wish all the best, with all my heart.

Thanks for your support. I need my wife, but I need to be Caroline very much.

you can transition now and start HRT simply at the soonest possible time..

See above, some desperate people do it in Sweden, but without the support of an endochrinologist.
--------------------
All in all, I believe that I just need to "hang in there" for now and see if I can come up with strategies to deal with my dysphoria. One advantage with going slow is that my wife has more time to adjust to my journey. If I move too quickly, I might lose her.

I attach some pictures from our walk-in-closet to give some flavor to my morning routine. On my side in the closet, I keep my Caroline clothes on the hangers on the right side in the last picture. On the left side in the last picture, I have my normal male shirts and suits, as well as my Caroline dresses. I see it all in one view when I dress every morning, dreaming of the day when I can finally pack all of my male clothes away. My wife kindly let me use "her" makeup table, where I get to use her stuff also. Finally, on the way out of the closet, I'm again reminded by Caroline as I see her wig.

Thanks for all of your support!
Hugs

---------------------------
Late night update:
I've just had a good conversation with my wife about my recent intense dysphoria. She has agreed to let me dress as Caroline at home, also in her presence, to help me deal with my dysphoria. As she concludes, she anyways need to adjust herself for the inevitable full-time transition. My wife has a fear for losing her attraction for me post transition, but she has promised to do her very best. I very much love her for that.

[LeaP]

Let’s see, how have I dealt with dysphoria? Oh yes, depression, a touch of suicide here and there (obviously not very good at it), a bit of rage here and there, complete social aversion, crying jags, self hatred, breakdowns, etc. You know – the usual.

HRT helped. A lot. If you really need it then don’t delay.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You cannot fight gender dysphoria...it does what it wants... whatever coping skills you use are cognitive... dysphoria is deeper than that..
it will just sit there inside you...eating away

planning and taking steps towards transition were very helpful to me...and i took a year or so to work up to it... all the while my dysphoria intensified... the more i dressed/presented the worse it got..
sometimes like you said...the afterwards part was so horrible..over time i couldnt stand it anymore

im blessed to be in US where i could choose my own timing...and taking HRT immediately calmed dysphoria and i never reconsidered my choice.

btw..i think you misunderstood my point
what im saying caroline is that you dont need HRT to transition
being able to manage your presentation and live as true self is different than each of the steps people take to do it..
not everyone does the same thing... you can start living full time anytime you choose...its not HRT stopping you..

btw #2..
i was Treasurer of a very large company and worked with Wall Street bankers all day... and i cant tell you how many times i snuck out and tried female clothing, including a shop i knew in area that was supportive (and i bought from them), including my car, and including a couple people i knew in the city... it just got more and more , it was actually ridiculous and i still cant beleive nobody ever called me on my many disappearances..

[LeaP]

LOL - shopping ... The office tower at my last job in Boston opened into a major mall. Try-ons (and the occasional buy) were several times per week.

[Caroline Varg]

Kaitlyn, thanks a lot for those clarifications, it makes a lot of sense what you say. I plan to start more regular underdressing (panties, camis, etc), and I just got my first female perfume today, ready to be used for work from tomorrow. Most people will not notice the difference, but I will, and hopefully it will dampen some of the dysphoria. I have also started saving my hair (latest haircut was in April), so I can draw my hand through my hair and remind myself of my journey. Small steps...

BTW, Kaitlyn, what happened with your seemingly very serious career post transition?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i traded it in for my real gender

[Evie82]

I get what you're going through, Caroline - I'm going through a lot of it myself. My coping mechanisms seem similar to yours, but I'm still not out to anyone except for my accepting and supportive partner, my therapist and my doctor. Some days I just want to hide and cry, some days I want to say sod it and come out to the world. I'm taking steps though - more androgynous clothing, I've grown my hair long enough to style either way, I'm using a little makeup day to day and I'm going to be piercing my ears next week. I'm don't know if people are talking behind my back, but I'm realising that it doesn't really matter that much. The coming out is what I'm trying to work out on my own terms, so as soon as I know I'm ready it'll happen. I'm working through fear issues with my therapist at the moment, so hopefully I'll be ready sooner than later.

Take care hun x

[Caroline Varg]

Well, guess what, yesterday night I took a deep plunge and went clubbing at a LGBT-friendly place. Dressed in some leather, I really had a blast and truly enjoyed myself as Caroline.

Bracing for impact, fearing a dysphoria backlash at work today, I made sure to wear a tight cami under my dress shirt. It worked! It really hugged me the entire day today, constantly reminding me of my female underwear. My best solution so far! Now I can more freely go out as Caroline in the evenings knowing that I, at least for now, have a way of managing the daytime dysphoria.

[Starling]

Whatever gets you through the night, Caroline. When I am not presenting as the female I am, I usually dress entirely in women's tops and bottoms that do not look overtly female, and wear unisex footwear. I find it helps keep me going.

Lallie

[Richelle]

I fully understand where you are coming from. Since I telecommute everyday I have been able to transition in all areas of my life except when I have to go to a client's site or our office in Mass. It is very depressing when I have to do the traveling. To get through it I just keep reminding myself that it will not be that much longer that I have to live this double life

Richelle