Recently found out my husband crossdresses & Need advice

[Deannaslife]

It's been a week since I discovered my husband of thirty years, is a crossdresser. He said its
been going on for fifteen years. He also told me he also dresses up and meets men.
They get together in hotels,apartments etc. It was a big shock for me on many levels.
The worse part is the dishonesty, and the fact he has been lying to me for so long.
If he only wanted to crossdress that would not be that big of a deal, but since
he has been with men for the past 15 years that is really
hard to deal with. He does not want our marriage to end. For me the trust has been
broken. He does say he will stop crossdressing and seeing men. Is it that easy to stop?

[SherriePall]

I thought I could offer you some comfort and advice after reading the first two sentences of your post. Because I told my wife nearly 25 years into our marriage. However, I had never been out of the house at that point and I have never met up with a man even now after nearly an additional 20 years. I can't offer any advice, but I am sure others here can, especially some of the SO's in our group. I only can wish you the best and hope that everything works out for the better.

[jhasmine]

This is a touchy subject. I will answer part of this with my own opinion. Is it that easy to stop? Not for me because I don't want to. Each person is different.
Can you ever be happy seeing him dressed up? Remember to think about yourself first and how you feel about things. If you, yourself are comfortable with things or not, let him know both sides but also remember that he has to think of his happiness as well. If you guys can come up with a suitable compromise and be happy together, that is great. If not, then you can still remain friends and go your separate ways. This is not something that is easy to do if you think like I do. I tend to think about my SO's feeling more than my own which is why it took me so long to tell her that this is what I wanted to do. I did not meet other men because that is not why I dress up. I am still married to my wife and we go everywhere while I am dressed up or not. She encourages me to dress up because she likes my attitude when we go out like that.

I tried to touch upon the topic of him seeing other men but that is an issue that requires more information than just seeing other men and could drastically change the advice and opinions of many so I would rather not respond to it with so little information but I will put something about it below.

Here are some questions to ask:

Ask yourself: Can you forgive the lies?
Ask him: What were you doing with the men?
Ask yourself: can you forgive his acts with those men?
Ask yourself: can you live with a CD husband? if not
Ask him: Are you comfortable giving up CDing?

[aprilgirl]

Hi Deanna,

I'm sorry to hear about your recent discoveries, which no doubt were a shock to you. It's a common refrain among wives that it's not the crossdressing in and of itself that's the biggest issue, but the dishonesty involved. Kudos to you for doing some research to try to gain a better understanding of the situation.

Regarding your question about stopping, it's likely he will say about anything to keep the peace at home, especially if he was caught (not sure how you discovered). Everybody is different, but forever is a long time, and cross dressing isn't easy to give up. Perhaps with open and honest communication, now that his secret is out, you two can find a balance that will work for you as a couple, but it won't be easy. The meeting up with men is something I can't relate to, and afraid I can't offer any advice towards. I'm a little surprised he admitted doing so, but at least you know what you're up against. You may want to consider going to couples therapy with someone who is familiar with gender identity issues.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Deanna,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I wish I could offer you some words of encouragement with respect to stopping but I can't. This site is rife with discussion of that particular topic and most here would agree that the urge to crossdresser is an innate part of who we are. It's how we are wired do to speak. Trying to stop has been compared to trying to change your eye color or blood type.

I wish you the best of luck. It's good you found this site. There are some really wonderful people here who can be a great help to you as you try to sort this all out.

Elizabeth

[Joni T]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and wish you good will in the future.
To all the cd'ers out there, this is the epitome of why you must be up front with your wife/SO from the git-go. Once the trust is gone, good luck getting it back. Without trust, there can be no relationship.
Again, to the OP, my heart goes out to you. You might want to have your man checked for STD's. I'm just sayin'......
Jon

[Jaylyn]

Deannaslife at least you are you looking for answers and that's a start and good in my opinion. I agree with you in thinking it is dishonesty but it could be that he was afraid to tell you. I know my had suspicions about me but I always kept most of my CDng hid from her until we were well into our marriage years. Inside I felt ashamed that I wanted dress in comfortable clothes that she got to daily. Some of her dresses and undergarments made her look so hot and attractive that I felt I wanted to experience that also. I said well into my marriage it was really about fifteen years in when one night she asked me if I wanted to wear some of her lipstick as I stood there and watched her apply it to her own lips. WOW I said would love to try it. She fixed my makeup and told me that she always thought under my hard farm/rancher type exterior that there was a soft side of me. I really think mine all started back with my mother letting me play in her things and she even painted my toes and nails when I was very very young. She let me play dress up in her old women's hats and I even had a doll dressed in red satin pajamas. I slept with it carried it around and acted like it was my baby. Mom let me but dad put a stop to it or at least tried.
I quit for a long time but then teen years I started sneaking in to moms things again.
To this day I feel I need a little time in something soft, silky, and femme.
I'm still rough on the outside but need this inner me to take over some times.
I can't say what you need to do in your case with your husband but please keep an open mind. I'm now in my late 60s and love soft things on my skin. I think many older guys turn to softness no matter how tough their skin is on the outside.
My case is similar in your husbands dressing but I've never met another man or woman for that matter but I've fantasized about it. I went thru a time where I felt I was less of a manly man because of this dressing. I think that deep down this is why I once was a dare devil type guy because I had convinced myself I was not the tough guy I appeared to every me else.
I didn't really care for a while if I lived or died when I was rodeoing, playing football, or even doing crazy crap like jumping off cliffs at the lake. I was the one that always jumped first.
I quit CDng many times but it has always returned but at least I can control it better by under dressing but it seems that sometimes I just have to let the beast out and dress to the top and the feeling to dress will vanish for a week or so.
Hope this helps but just remember to keep the line of communications open between you two.

[Tracii G]

Sorry to hear you were lied to by your husband.
By being with men was it other men that crossdress?
Were they sexual encounters?
Just being with other men that crossdress that doesn't mean they were having sex many CDing men meet up just to hang out and sex is never the driving factor.
Many go to Transgender group meetings and those are more like therapy where they talk about things.
I think we need a little more information to really be able to help you deal with this.
How was your relationship before you found out?
Were you the nagging wife that never would let him enjoy life?
Did you share feelings regularly? Likes and dislikes?
I ask these questions because it helps to know the situation.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Deannaslife,

My heart and prayers goes out to you and your family. Thirty years is a long time, and to find out that half of that time he has been lying to you makes matters worse. I am sure that a lot has been affected by his actions, feelings, children and possibly grandchildren... With all marriages there are good days and bad how deeply the both of you love each other will depend of your story continues. I have read quite a few posts here on this site with the same general topic " my husband is crossdressing what do I do " or " my wife caught me dressed and am no longer allowed at home."

Will he be able to stop dressing? There is a good amount of statical data on this site to say No he won't stop. Maybe for a short time, but ultimately he will return to what he was doing before. Whether y'all seek professional counseling or he use of family and friends. You both need to communicate with each other and try to rebuild the trust that was broken. No it won't be easy. A lot depends on you if you want your story to continue.

I keep nothing from my wife. I tell her everything, she knows all my passwords and all the websites I visit. When she found out before we married, she set some ground rules. Rules that were fair and we have adjusted over the years. I do not wish to transition. Mary Kay doesn't sell enough product to make me passable. I am happy to get the chances to dress when I do and the outings/adventures that we discuss prior to me leaving the house. She does support me but does not want to partisapate or be around me when I do dress. And I respect her wishes just as she respects mine.

I wish you the best of luck

@--}-----
Michelle

[Stacy Darling]

I don't deny that you may be going through a difficult time! I came out to my wife and can feel some of her discomfort and pain!

Without knowing full facts it can be hard to have a moral say on this so won't!

Dishonesty? well fair enough! and no I didn't tell my wife about my new skirt ($6 and gorgeous) but what is wrong with that?

I will also add that I would quite happily meet up with some of the ladies here in hotels or apartments!, I'd prefer a piano bar though!

But is your husband sleeping with the others ? That may be the question you need to answer! " I'm a Pretty little Sissy which could spend a night with ten other CD's just painting nails or doing make-up" just me though! ( and that leg rub! )

Stacy!

[~Joanne~]

It sounds like CDing isn't the problem here, cheating on you for 15 years is and I think that's what needs to be addressed right away.

[Tina_gm]

Hi. Sorry to hear about all of the dishonesty. Tragically for many of us, it becomes a survival mechanism early in our lives that carries through to adulthood and committed relationships.

While he says he will stop, that is not likely, forever anyway. He may stop but may also become very irritable and downright miserable in doing so. Very rarely will a crossdressers stop and be totally ok with it.

As for meeting up with men, assuming it was in some way sexual, well then there too, his sexuality is something other than straight. He may stop that as well, but will likely feel similar frustrations of not dressing. From what you've said, it appears he combines the two, so just dressing without male encounters may not be as satisfying for him.

There are more cders who are not attracted to men than are, and many who are often only have encounters while dressed, as part of the female experience as has been described by many who do. Some though are gay or bisexual regardless of cding. The honesty of your husband from this point on for your own sake, and a true right to know of your husband's sexuality, along with his gender variance. Some of us have more variance than others.

From this point forward for you, there is no right or wrong, except for what that is for you. It isn't wrong for a woman to want a husband who has no gender issues or same sex sexuality. And it's not wrong if you can be with a husband who has these issues. Take some time for yourself to know what is right for you.

[Tracii G]

I must interject here that his CDing has nothing to do with his sexuality.
Because a man crossdresses does not mean he is gay in fact over 90% of crossdressing men are straight and married.
Gender identification and sexuality are not the same thing but many don't know that and assume a man that wears womens clothes must be gay and want to be a woman.
So food for thought Deanna if you liked to wear mens jeans,pants or shirts would that make you a Lesbian and make you want to become a man?
See my point? I hope so.

[Faith Noel]

Hi Deanna, I am sorry to say this but a tiger never changes his stripes. First off you need to think about what you want from the marriage. Then he has to decide what he is willing to do to save it. If you can't get past his indisgressions. There will alot of hurt and resentment.(been there done that) If you can set some guide lines he can follow and you allow him to dress maybe it will work. As long as he is not acting out. Another thing you and him should get tested,just so you have a base line and peace of mind. Im sorry if I may seem blunt, but this is very hard for you to deal with Im sure. My marriage didnt make it,but found a wonderful lady who accepts me as me. Wish you the best . Faith

[RADER]

Hi Deanna;
I can under stand your concerns. My wife was OK with my dressing, as long as it stayed at home.
I also made a promise never to lie to her; And I held it to the day she passed.
Trust is a very sacred thing; though to keep, easy to louse.
You man will never lose his taste for dressing, I hope he loses is interest in men.
Best of luck, I hope the two of you can work out a compromise, A Marriage is something that
should be kept. Maybe have some ground rules, like dressing only at home only.
Rader

[Tina_gm]

I must interject here that his CDing has nothing to do with his sexuality.
Because a man crossdresses does not mean he is gay in fact over 90% of crossdressing men are straight and married.
Gender identification and sexuality are not the same thing but many don't know that and assume a man that wears womens clothes must be gay and want to be a woman.
So food for thought Deanna if you liked to wear mens jeans,pants or shirts would that make you a Lesbian and make you want to become a man?
See my point? I hope so.

While there is much truth to this, and in so proving this, you see often very masculine gay men and effeminate lesbian women, which right there is proof that gender and sexuality are not one in the same.

What is also true though, and there is a lot of threads on this in here is that for some members who do have same sex attraction, Tracii not being one as she has written about, but for some on here, they do only act on it, or fantasize about it only while dressed. Or at the very least that is only when they acknowledge it to themselves. New s.o. partners while reading here and looking for that subject will inevitably come across those who will state "only when dressed" so that does feed into it. And, it is my personal belief that there is at least somewhat of a higher percentage of S.S.A. among gender variant people, or at the very least more who are willing to acknowledge it.

[sometimes_miss]

We could discuss the 'honesty', 'lying', etc. but you can find very well done discussions about that on other threads, just look through the past ones on this forum.

As far as him stopping, he might be able to, but that won't take the urge to do so, away. So you need to find out his motivation for crossdressing, and his motivation for seeking out men. Only then will you be able to address either. Also, did he ever WANT TO crossdress earlier? I wonder why he only started doing it 15 years ago. Few of us just spontaneously start crossdressing later in life, though it does happen occasionally.

One last thing: He's the same guy you've always known. Only your perception of who he is, has changed. For all those years, you were content with the life you two had together. So examine just how much this 'new' revelation will actually effect the rest of your life. Even though it's something that can be very upsetting, as it involves changing how you think of what he is, for the most part, how he interacts with you hasn't really changed much if at all.

Briefly, we all tell others what we think will be important for them to know about us. No one can tell everything we've experienced or felt in our lifetime; it's simply impossible. So we tell a truncated version, usually only the good stuff, and hope for the best. As your marriage has lasted a good, long time so far that way, seems it was working for you. You have to go by how much you need him to be the person that you WANTED him to be, in order to be content.

[Tahoegurl]

Hi Deanna,
I appreciate your honesty and candor to come here and look for some perspective. I was given advice some time ago...do I want to be married to this person, if so be married, if not then move on. If you want to stay married then talk to each other, counseling if need be. This is between you and him. Act with dignity and grace above all else. I wish you the best in this opportunity for personal growth.

[ellbee]

I believe the OP needs to clarify this "meeting/seeing men" thing...


As in, sexually? Or, simply getting together with other CD'ers for an entirely-innocent girls' night out?

Cuz there is a big difference.



Anyway, do crossdressers ever stop dressing? Sure, it's easy -- I've done it plenty of times!

Seriously, though, I suppose everyone is different. And some have gone years (like me) or even decades without dressing. But it's not something like "merely" kicking a bad habit.


There can be natural changes to the *degree & frequency* of dressing, of course. In my younger days, for example, I'd get completely dolled-up up & join up with friends (men, women, CDer's, non-CD'ers, etc.) for a night out. But these days, I'm perfectly content throwing on some women's leggings & a hoodie -- in guy-mode, without all the "extra stuff."

Will I someday want/need to return to the old days? I suppose it's always possible. At the same time, it's like, "Meh, been there, done that."


Honestly, I believe this is with me for life, personally. It may ebb & flow over time, sometimes laying dormant for quite a while. But it's just one innate part of me... I've "kicked" plenty of things, but this one ain't going anywhere.

Eh, whatever. Could be worse!



But, yeah... If the OP doesn't mind, I believe some clarification re: the "seeing men" thing is needed. If it is what I think it may be, then yeah, that's obviously a big issue if one isn't into an open marriage.

Please keep in mind that not all CD'ers fool around with others -- and not all those who fool around with others, are CD'ers.


Oh, and welcome! It's probably a good thing that you signed up here, seeking some understanding & insight.

Now if you don't mind, I'll step aside for the incoming GG's to take over, who are much better at this kind of thing, IMO...

[jennifer0918]

Can I be Frank and you Deanna? He will never stop,I always said" ok this it I'm going to stop!"then the fog comes upon me and faster then you can say clearance @ bebe iam back at it,but it's hard to stop. You state he would meet men, for what?are these men other crossdressers? This is a tough one, keep an open mind don't limit yourself to one style because we are all different and the Transgender umbrella is vast keep open all communication with him get informed and then make a wise decision to keep your marriage or move on with your life,yes it's tough be strong.

[Deannaslife]

Thank you so much for your support and kindness. It was so helpful. ( group hug)
To answer a few of your questions.
How did I find out? I was in the garage and found a box with a wig and some very sexy lingerie
skirts, tops and condoms. I asked him about it and he said , I wanted to tell you this for a long time but
felt so embarrassed. He told me he loves to dress up very sexy and turn men on. He said it is mostly
touching. Right now I don't know what to believe since he lied so much to me. He said he did not get together with
other cd's. He put an ad on Craigslist and found men that way.
I have given it a lot of thought and can honestly say it is not the crossdressing that bothers me, it is the
fact he has been with men for 15 years and lied to me about it. If he told me he just wanted to crossdress
I know I could have accepted it.
Yes, we have grown children and four grandchildren.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

When it comes to crossdressers or anyone else I do not generalize. I do not assume that every man who crossdressers wants to be with a man. That definitely is not the case. I was simply referring to my own situation.

[Bobbi46]

Deanna,
I fully understand the anguish this causing you but one thing that alarms me a bit is the fact that you mention apart from the clothing having found condoms this to me suggests that all is not as plain as he is making out, if he is just meeting other CD's then why the need for condoms ? there is something else going on here apart from just dressing, are we looking at gay sex as well?
Also I feel sorry that you discovered this alter ego of your husband, I wish you well.

[Kayliedaskope]

I was about to mention the condom thing, too, but Bobbi got there first. I purchase condoms, too, but it's for keeping my toys clean than for doing the deed with someone else. Unless there were some toys in that box, too, something else may be going on besides just the dressing and teasing. Might also ask him to show you one or two of those ads he was placing, too, and the responses he got. Just me, but I don['t think he's going to quit either of his behaviors.


This is a tough one, Deanna, but I'm glad that you were brave enough to come here and ask for help and advice. Good luck to you, and hopefully you've gotten some good information from those of us here.

[Michal82]

Hi
Let me offer my 2 cents.
I'll try to break the dillema to 2 parts:
Cheating - if you found out he was seeing women (for sexual porpuses or otherwise), Could you forgive him? Do you love him enough to open an honest discussion about what's bothering him & work on it togther? Is he willing to change things for you?
Crossdressing - i agree with the common idea that crossdressing never goes away (no matter what he sais now). So are you willing to accept that part in him? Can you accomedate that part of his life? the GG's (the wives & girlfriends) who visit this forum can tell you more about the pro's and con's of living with a crossdresser.

Restoring the trust is hard, but i think it's a key to good & healthy relationship.
Are you willing to mend your relationship? Is he?

I wish you both well, in whatever path you'll take.

Michal

[ellbee]

When it comes to crossdressers or anyone else I do not generalize. I do not assume that every man who crossdressers wants to be with a man. That definitely is not the case. I was simply referring to my own situation.

No need for that. Already understood.

I just thought I'd mention it for other wives/GF's who may be reading this & are new to the whole CD thing.

And also, because while the two components (CD'ing, and infidelity) are partially linked in your situation, at the same time, they're also two separate things, too. Which makes this all the more complicated.


Anyway, I've been cheated on before. "Only" a serious BF/GF relationship when I was younger, but getting cheated on still sucks, regardless if there's a ring on your finger or not. So I understand part of what you're going through.

I'm also a bit ashamed to admit that while single, I was the "other man" fooling around with a GG who was in a long-term relationship. Not something I'm proud of.

In addition ( ), I was once the "mistress" of an openly-gay man who had a life-partner of some 15+ years. Though I believe in that case, his partner "tolerated" the occasional short-term fling, as long as it was "safe." A semi-open relationship, if you will. Of these instances, this was the only one where my crossdressing was involved... I probably wouldn't have done anything if I didn't "get" to get all dolled-up first. So, I kinda-sorta know where your hubby is coming from, too. And for the record, I don't really see myself wanting to be with any men anymore... But that's just me.


Yes, people cheat, for all sorts of reasons. And I honestly believe that most (if not all) who are actively involved (including the "other person"), do genuinely feel guilty/ashamed about it deep down, that it's not "fundamentally right."


Anyway, I hope your husband is now through with the seeing of men. Plenty of marriages have survived infidelity -- as long as the guilty-party shapes up, and realizes what could have been lost & how much they hurt their spouse. Sometimes it takes a strong wake-up call in order to get one back on the right track, with the relationship eventually coming out stronger than ever.

Obviously yours is not the typical case. Two separate issues -- yet also partially linked. He'll probably "quit" dressing, at least for a while. But odds are, it will eventually come back. What then? Will he still want to explore his sexuality? And not to be too graphic, but would you be willing (at some point, assuming the marriage survives & thrives), to "kink it up" to some degree & help unconventionally indulge him in the bedroom, as long as you're comfortable with it? Would something like that quell his urge to stray?

Honestly, maybe all these years he genuinely wanted to share this part of him with *you* (crossdressing, submissive bedroom play), but was afraid to, in fear of what you would think of him? But instead, he stupidly chose to seek it elsewhere -- and here we are today. I'm not trying to make excuses for him or put words in his mouth, and I have no idea if he much prefers "the real deal" (as opposed to just, um, toys)... But perhaps this is how he rationalized it, as it can be quite difficult for those men who are crossdressers (and maybe have unconventional sexual desires, on top of that) to come out to the most-important person in their life, as weird as it may sound.


Okay, enough rambling. I don't know if any of that helped at all.


*Paging the GG's... Paging the GG's, please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone...*