Questioning myself so I look for advice

[Ashley090]

Hello girls and guys!
I am writing this because years of carrying alone a burden of being out of gender norms really wears me out and also I did stop seeing any way out of this so I start looking for advice what course of action should be best since I am kind of out of ideas. I intentionally didn't say 'having gender dysphoria' or 'being ts' because all I have is huge suspicion only, never visited any doctor or therapist that could say for sure if its true or not. But I do not need a doctor to to know that something is 'not right' with me. As I am older and know more about whole issue I see patterns and clues in my past (and current life ofc) pointing out that there is high probability of actually being an ts. And my first memories of unsual behavior dates to my pre-school age. Do you know how much I liked to play 'Family' or 'Shop' with girls rather then ride a bike with guys? During school age my friends were mostly girls. Idk why, I just had more to talk with them then with guys and their silly 'be tought' talk nad behaviour. But I never give it any weight as I did not find that weird or something. Why not to sociealize with girls right? Also in my young age for whatver reason I did find quite interst in book or magazine topics regarding ts and/or gender issues. Always find that interesting to read stories about ppl who transitioned and there were something that catch my eye for whatever reason. Did my mind subconsciously knew a truth? Then those next 15 years were mix of emotion during puberty and exploring myself with occasional crossdressing and confusion about who I am. Lets rewind into present, shall we? In about year and half I became more active in terms of cd and after many tries seeing myself en femme that probably tip my gender scale and open floodgates feeling my mind wiht bunch of question. New questions and old questions from past asking who am I? I am guy or girl or both or none? Even when I am kind of stand up guy, independent and strong willed, this whole thing and experience undermined all of that and my mood became not good, simply put. And with nobody to talk about this or anything at all realy did not help. Kind of reason I end here,heh. Lately I start think about get appointment with therapist, hoping to get some answers and hope for improvments in how I feel about myself. I want to do it but also I am afraid of it. Emberased maybe? Definetly when I imagine myself there with doctor asking me "why you came"? and me answering "well I think I am a girl actualy" it makes me feel stupid at least. Does it realy works that way? Meh. And what will be course of action then? I can say I am not looking into transition. Not now, not later in life. Even I have "ideal" conditions to do so, like having not my own family, no girlfriend or so. But right now pros of transition does not in my eyes outweight struggle and cons of doing it. Cant imagine staying in my actual job or even just look into eyes of my own parents. Yes, they have no idea about my or atleast did not say anything if have suspicion. And there are reasons I wanna keep them out of it for their own good. Also I know some ppl do not transition but are on hrt. It is possibility for me? Maybe but dont even want know how many 'roadblocks' are placed on way here in my country. AND I think it is not possible be on hrt without anyone notice at all, haha. But actualy I have no idea what to expect from appointment with therapist. So I question if such visit is even worth it. especially 3 months wait time.
I realy feel like animal in a corner right now without chance to escape. Luckly I have no suicidal tendencies at all. That is 100% stupid way out of it. Situation is not that bad. But struggle is real. Going to sleep each day with little bit of depression and thinking about hidden true myslef. Each time when not focused on something having thoughts slipping to my girl side. Or being envy of gg's and their lives everytime I see some. And none of it did not want to go away no matter how hard I try.
So what do you think about my disastrous situation? Anyone have some good suggestion on how to not get completly crazy in next year or two? Or if there is even way out of this. I ll be glad for every word. Good or bad. And don't be shy and ask anything if want to. And yes, my favorite pizza is with cheese and ham

PS: I am aware that whole text above probably makes only half sence. I am sorry for that.

[Rachael Leigh]

Ashley you are not crazy because when people begin to try and understand their gender issues no answer is the same for all.
Like me I questioned for years am I really trans or just a feminine guy. It took me a long time to accept myself.
I’m now moving forward toward transistion. I would suggest a good therapist one who does understand gender issues.
Bottom line is only you can know your true self despite how it may look down the road.
Good luck and many blessings to you Rachael

[Mirya]

You already know what you need to do. So just do it and stop delaying the inevitable.

No, I don't mean you should transition. Maybe you will later, maybe you won't ever, but you need to do something else first. You need to start seeing a therapist. A therapist will help you organize your thoughts and feelings so that you can eventually find the answers within yourself. It is worth it.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Ashley, you describe yourself as being outside of gender norms - have you considered that you might have a non-binary gender? You seem to open up the possibility with your question are you a guy, a girl, both or none?

When you imagine yourself telling the doctor "I am a girl actually" it makes you feel silly, is that just fear of the unknown or are you perhaps not ready to say and know that? This is pretty much what I said to my doctor to kick off my transition. Is it possible that a simpler answer in your case might be "I have questions about my gender"?

You tell us that you are not looking into transition and that the pros of transition do not outweigh the cons. That tells me that it would not be right for you to transition at this time. Unless the need to be your true self is more important to you than anything else, you are likely to find yourself overwhelmed by the struggle and could even regret starting down that path.

Maybe you should allow yourself to experiment a bit with the question that you raise about whether you might be neither gender or both. Perhaps this could be a good starting point to find your own truth.

I definitely would not suggest that you experiment with hormones without proper medical supervision, there is too much risk.

[Mirya]

You tell us that you are not looking into transition and that the pros of transition do not outweigh the cons. That tells me that it would not be right for you to transition at this time. Unless the need to be your true self is more important to you than anything else, you are likely to find yourself overwhelmed by the struggle and could even regret starting down that path.

This is really good advice. The decision to transition is not about weighing the pros and cons. It is about identifying the essence of who you are, and whether being true to yourself is worth any price.

[Ashley090]

A therapist will help you organize your thoughts and feelings so that you can eventually find the answers...

This is probably what I look for now. Right now I feel that I just blindly walk path of life (not only bcs of this issue) and some 'goal' or just correct course could help. And therapist would figure out best way how to try to 'fix it'. I only need convince myself to stop playing a hero and make a call and get appointment. Then nervously wait for who knows long. Why I am so nervous about visit by just thinking of it? But maybe Rianna Humble is right about asking wrong question 'I am girl or guy?' insted of 'who am I'. To be honest I dont realy exactly fit in any role defined by society. Definetly not being an 'Alpha male' or even just manly men, but also not feeling as bring girly girl. I am in middle, maybe little bit to female side. If I go by those society standarts as guide (which is stupid btw) you can it. For instance I do not like sports or 'Men's magazines' does not interest me and hate cosmetic with male fragrance but I do like science, space technologies and working as railway technician. From other side of spectrum I like for instace a fashion or I like decorate my place, bright colors and stuff make it nice, but I am not emotionaly 'attached' to other ppl as females usualy are. It probably makes me an genderqueer. Wish my body follows and I look in more androgynous way. If my mimd is in middle, body shall follow, right? That is maybe why I dont consider as right course of action. We all heard stories abou ppl who transitioned and found out that opposite role does not fit them either.
I definetly do not plan on any experiements with hormones. That is very dangerous and as in many countries its illega without prescription. I rather keep my life as it is then destroy it over false hope. But hey, I have snack each day that is jogurt with flaxseeds It is harmless and healthy!