Hello girls and guys!
I am writing this because years of carrying alone a burden of being out of gender norms really wears me out and also I did stop seeing any way out of this so I start looking for advice what course of action should be best since I am kind of out of ideas. I intentionally didn't say 'having gender dysphoria' or 'being ts' because all I have is huge suspicion only, never visited any doctor or therapist that could say for sure if its true or not. But I do not need a doctor to to know that something is 'not right' with me. As I am older and know more about whole issue I see patterns and clues in my past (and current life ofc) pointing out that there is high probability of actually being an ts. And my first memories of unsual behavior dates to my pre-school age. Do you know how much I liked to play 'Family' or 'Shop' with girls rather then ride a bike with guys? During school age my friends were mostly girls. Idk why, I just had more to talk with them then with guys and their silly 'be tought' talk nad behaviour. But I never give it any weight as I did not find that weird or something. Why not to sociealize with girls right? Also in my young age for whatver reason I did find quite interst in book or magazine topics regarding ts and/or gender issues. Always find that interesting to read stories about ppl who transitioned and there were something that catch my eye for whatever reason. Did my mind subconsciously knew a truth? Then those next 15 years were mix of emotion during puberty and exploring myself with occasional crossdressing and confusion about who I am. Lets rewind into present, shall we? In about year and half I became more active in terms of cd and after many tries seeing myself en femme that probably tip my gender scale and open floodgates feeling my mind wiht bunch of question. New questions and old questions from past asking who am I? I am guy or girl or both or none? Even when I am kind of stand up guy, independent and strong willed, this whole thing and experience undermined all of that and my mood became not good, simply put. And with nobody to talk about this or anything at all realy did not help. Kind of reason I end here,heh. Lately I start think about get appointment with therapist, hoping to get some answers and hope for improvments in how I feel about myself. I want to do it but also I am afraid of it. Emberased maybe? Definetly when I imagine myself there with doctor asking me "why you came"? and me answering "well I think I am a girl actualy" it makes me feel stupid at least. Does it realy works that way? Meh. And what will be course of action then? I can say I am not looking into transition. Not now, not later in life. Even I have "ideal" conditions to do so, like having not my own family, no girlfriend or so. But right now pros of transition does not in my eyes outweight struggle and cons of doing it. Cant imagine staying in my actual job or even just look into eyes of my own parents. Yes, they have no idea about my or atleast did not say anything if have suspicion. And there are reasons I wanna keep them out of it for their own good. Also I know some ppl do not transition but are on hrt. It is possibility for me? Maybe but dont even want know how many 'roadblocks' are placed on way here in my country. AND I think it is not possible be on hrt without anyone notice at all, haha. But actualy I have no idea what to expect from appointment with therapist. So I question if such visit is even worth it. especially 3 months wait time.
I realy feel like animal in a corner right now without chance to escape. Luckly I have no suicidal tendencies at all. That is 100% stupid way out of it. Situation is not that bad. But struggle is real. Going to sleep each day with little bit of depression and thinking about hidden true myslef. Each time when not focused on something having thoughts slipping to my girl side. Or being envy of gg's and their lives everytime I see some. And none of it did not want to go away no matter how hard I try.
So what do you think about my disastrous situation? Anyone have some good suggestion on how to not get completly crazy in next year or two? Or if there is even way out of this. I ll be glad for every word. Good or bad. And don't be shy and ask anything if want to. And yes, my favorite pizza is with cheese and ham
PS: I am aware that whole text above probably makes only half sence. I am sorry for that.