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Thread: The hardest thing to come to terms with

  1. #26
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    SHAME? You betcha!. Shame, guilt, denial.... all dark destructive forces.
    That was the point of Coming Out at long last. Put away the shame and the guilt of wanting to look pretty, be pretty, BE my inner self even if it made no sense to those around me.
    NO MORE SHAME.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  2. #27
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    I'm baffled by the whole guilt/shame thing. I don't know why I've never experienced it, but I had no religious indoctrination and that clearly helped.

    I feel so sorry for those members who are tortured by guilt, it's so useless, so corrosive, so counter-productive.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  3. #28
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    I think most of us here can relate to some degree. For me I did indeed feel shame and embarrassment, but for me it was kind of from the other side. I know so many great LBGTQ people, I felt like my behavior would be shameful to that community. I felt like because I became sexually arroused around women’s clothing that I was some kind of “cheap ferishist” and that what I was doing would be looked down on by the “respectable” LGBTQ community.

    What really changed for me was taking control of my dressing once I came to terms with who I was. Once I took control of my dressing and was able to dress on my time on the way I wanted things really shifted. I don’t get the rush of adrenaline and hormones when I have a couple hours to sneak on some “girly time”.

    So now I feel much more in control and human. It CAN be a sexual/erotic experience, but that’s my decision now. It deserves to be said that there is nothing WRONG with sexual arousal during your dressing. It’s all about what you want to get out of it.

  4. #29
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie47 View Post
    I think every man who wears women's clothing has felt shame, disgust, self loathing, etc. It's against societal norms and expectations. Society in my youth said any man who wore women's clothing was a homosexual. That was really confusing to a young teen who openly lusted and salivated over attractive girls and movie stars. How can someone reconcile those desires with the desire to appear as a woman. When you get to heaven maybe there will be some revelations.
    I used to feel shame and disgust, an crossdressing was quite arousing at one time

    Quote Originally Posted by DIANEF View Post
    Not every man. I felt elation, excitement, anticipation of when I could do it again and how much further I could go. Of course in my youth the sexual element was there strongly, but for a long time now the main focus has been on looking the best I can and 'acting the part' if you will. Shame, disgust, self loathing? Never!
    But now, I accept myself, and almost always feel elation, excitement and anticipation. The only time I don't is when my wife takes it upon herself to criticize my behavior. But, I'm getting very good at ignoring her criticisms.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  5. #30
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    I guess for me, these feelings were best defined (for me) by one particular skirt I've owned for years now. Perhaps sharing my story will help?

    It's not an especially pretty, or sexy skirt. It's around knee length, a lightweight nylon fabric, with a heavily patterned, mostly blue coloring... but it's one of my favorites - partly because it's the one I've had the opportunity to share with a couple of the GG's I've dated in the past (It's just SOOO cool when they want to borrow something of yours!). It also can serve as a good symbol for the sexual arousal question too. Here goes...

    Lying in my drawer or hanging in my closet, it's 'just a skirt'.

    When it was being worn by my girlfriends, it wasn't the skirt itself that was turning me on. It was the girl in it.

    When I wear it, I've discovered that it isn't the skirt itself that gets me 'turned on' (if it happens at all). It's more the idea that I'm in it. For me, this is me granting myself permission to feel feminine and pretty - and somehow a large of my sexuality is tied up in this. When I can feel like a girl, I discover that I can also feel sexual, and yes, this feminine-feeling sensation can be arousing to my masculine parts (inconvenient at that may be at the moment).

    My sexual fantasies when dressed are of being made love to as a woman, and the few times that my former girlfriends have indulged me in this fantasy have been mind-blowing. It's a shame that these relationships didn't work out (for other reasons than my dressing, BTW).

  6. #31
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Been there, done that.
    Sexual arousal may not be linked to crossdressing; for some, it simply occurs while you're in the process of crossdressing, as when we are young, it doesn't take much to get us sexually aroused. As teens, most boys experience erections for which there no known stimulus. We don't know whether it's some subconscious thoughts, a slightly noticed scent, the momentary peripheral view of something sexy (might only be a girl's skirt sliding up a bit for only a moment, I've been there when I was 17, just a split second glance up a girls skirt who was on the staircase above me did it; all I saw was the lacy part of her slip, but that was apparently enough to get the hormones surging). So if the sight or feel of something you associate with the female sex gets you aroused, crossdressing is certainly going to do it. So of course that's going to lead to confusion.
    Quote Originally Posted by Pat (aka Jennie) View Post
    The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing.
    That might only be because our sexual drive slows down with age. The above experience for me only occured until I was out of my twenties.
    And we're men; we naturally think we look way better than we actually do. That might have something to do with the huge number of folks here who think they look so much younger or able to pass, than they really do.

    I can only speak for myself about this. While we do know that how we identify ourselves as either male or female is completely separate from our sexual preference, most have no idea of why there is an inconsistancy between the two. Trying to just say 'it's just the clothes' is an obvious escape line that leaves both people in the dark, as the reason for the desire to crossdress remains unknown. And THAT can become a problem. Because if you can't give a good reason for why you're doing something, the person you're telling about it, will IMAGINE a reason, and you can bet it won't be anything you want them to think. Mostly, they wil think you're gay or transsexual, and either lying to them, or deeply in denial. And unless you have a better explanation (and in my case, even though I DID), then you're sunk.
    So it's best to start exploring everything you feel, and when. And when you first started to feel these crossdressing desires. Then either figure it out yourself (not necessarily advisable, it took me 30 years to get it all straightened out), or discuss it with a therapist. Or bring it up here, and be prepared to sift out the good information from the bad. You do have the benefit of the internet for resources, which I did not, so hopefully it won't take you as long.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 10-12-2017 at 09:37 AM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  7. #32
    Senior Member Ally 2112's Avatar
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    Felt all the wonderful shame loathing hating myself for years .As i have got older i finally have found acepptance for the most part .Do not over think it just do it if you can or are in the mood be happy
    I have a hubcap diamond star halo

  8. #33
    Member Maria_mtf's Avatar
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    The op word for word that is how I feel. Recently kept myself busy to avoid dressing too much (20 mins once a week), not been on this site in months. I use the arousal to my advantage, quick finish and dressing urges gone. I think self acceptance is needed, I don't have it.

  9. #34
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Religious upbringing and teaching s have caused most all my guilt and shame, being told i was meant to be born a male and i am shameful wearing womens things.

  10. #35
    Hellion on Heels Kayliedaskope's Avatar
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    Alice nailed it dead-on. Growing up in a religious family in a religious town, that was the same thing I got taught.

    "Boys don't wear girl's clothes!"


    I wonder what the teaching is like now ...

  11. #36
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    sexual arousal with crossdressing has not been a big issue with me. Not even when I was a teenager. to be as decent as possible, I experimented with self gratification while dressed and didn't have much of a different experience, other than the clothing. It wasn't a particular enhancement for me.

    For me, the entire thing has been hard for me to come to terms with. That I am different. That my gender is not a match physical vs mental. Being a man does not torture me. Dressing as a man, living as one, working as one. But.... I feel too that I am more. I feel a deep connection to women. I may not be one, but I am like them. I connect in a way differently than most other men. I can empathize with them on a deeper level. Greater with them then with men even. I feel a comfort, a relaxation while dressed in women's clothing. It is a completion that I had denied for decades. That that is me, I am one of them, one of you all, is what has been so very difficult. I felt so lost for so many years. Finally realizing that it was real, coming to terms with it. And of course, figuring out how to go through life now, working through it with my marriage. That now is the greater challenge.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  12. #37
    Member Julie Slowinski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    It deserves to be said that there is nothing WRONG with sexual arousal during your dressing. It’s all about what you want to get out of it.
    I think this is a very important point ... figuring this out was the first step on my continuing journey of self acceptance.
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  13. #38
    Member AlexisRaeMoon's Avatar
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    I'll just add that this continues to be a confusing point for me as well, but, if you think about it, as a heterosexual male, it actually makes sense. Right? If the image you're creating is based on an image your sexually attracted to, some level of arousal is to be expected. And it my case, it's certainly true that there's a fetish element with the clothes. I know when I was a teenager, I vastly preferred Victoria's Secret catalogs to Playboys or porno mags. I would rather look at a seductively dressed women over a completely naked one. Maybe I'm weird? Well, yeah...that's a given.

    But the thing I always keep coming back to is that I've been interested in trying on girls' clothes almost as long as I can recall. I remember being 5 years old and watching another boy try on a skirt and being insanely jealous. The whole idea was absolutely fascinating to me. So, despite the arousal, there are things happening on several layers here. More and more, the urge to get out in public is overwhelming the need to just get dressed up in private. I can totally see where what others have said in this thread about the arousal diminishing as you go more "public" and integrate the dressing more regularly into your life. Makes total sense. For me, lately, the overwhelming sense I get after getting all gussied up and looking in the mirror is, "Well - now what?"
    "She was everybody else's girl. Maybe someday, she'll be her own." - T. Amos

  14. #39
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
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    Whew............. glad someone finally wrote this thread. I thought I was the only one who suffered these feelings. Glad to learn that I am not the only person in the world who went through all these feelings. (just kidding). If there is anyone in the world who can explain the conundrum of sexual arousal from youth through maturity; I figure they would be world famous by now; and have all the answers written in a book like Dr. Spock did for child raising. I figure there is no generally accepted right answer for how to deal with our feelings and behavior. I think we all deal with these feelings differently.

    The important result is to be able to answer the question if our actions, thoughts and feelings affect the perception of ourselves and others for being a decent person. Most of my best lessons learned in life came from doing dumb things. I may not know all the right things to do and feel, but I am certain I know many of the things "you should not do".

    Life is a learning process. As they say "we get too soon old, and too late smart". So far I am doing well on the getting old part. Still struggling with the getting smart part.
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  15. #40
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    Hi Samantha , I have been in this program for 71years and I am still trying to figure it out.>Orchid......
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

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  16. #41
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    Yes Samantha....All three of your paragraphs apply to me! Especially the wife knowing now and still has a hard time understanding why I love to cross dress and I have to do it when she's not around. I would actually feel a bit awkward while being dressed as Scarlett around my wife. We have a very similar way of fashion and dress patterns. She always takes me with her when she shops for clothes because if I give her the two thumbs up when she comes out of the dressing room, she knows it's gonna be a really good look on her.

    I asked her if I could reserve one of the five closets in our new home for my CD clothing and shoes and accessories and didn't get the OK so I'll have to keep them in my temperature controlled storage unit I rent. It's only 80 bucks and month and the storage place is huge!

    So my hang up is with a more accepting wife and just be able to keep most of Scarlett's stuff in our new home. I'll eventually start bringing my pretty Scarlett stuff in and she will just over look it and let me get on with getting my girl on while she's not around.

    That's it for now so I'm in the same situation you're in girl friend. Hang in there, there are more of us out there with wives who just don't get it and I just respect my wife's opinion when it comes to cross dressing. It's just so much more exciting for a male to get excited about putting on all this sexy stuff than a girl would feel by putting on a pair of khaki shorts with a T Shirt and some deck shoes!

    Love ya....Scarlett XOXOXO

  17. #42
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Arianna Rene, You said it for me, too! Right on.

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