The hardest thing to come to terms with

[Samantha uk]

My story is like many others on here. Got married, eventually told my wife, she had a tough time with it and now we are working through it. But the most confusing thing about it all are the conflicting feelings of femininity and sexual arousal.

When I dress its because I want to feel feminine but being a hetrosexual man I get aroused by the vision I create which in turn creates a sense of shame and confusion. Theres no wonder we have a hard time coming out, how can you explain that mixed up tangled web of emotion to someone who doesn't have those feelings, especially if your still trying to work it out yourself.

I'm a bit more forgiving of myself as I get older but is still a bit of a mine field and I often get to a point where I think 'sod this, put it all back in the box and leave it until next time' Which is probably not a bad thing because theres a million other things that I've got to get on with.

Does anyone else feel like that?

[Dana44]

Yep when I was younger. Shame and confusion is a powerful combination But I finally got over it and feel good about myself now. .

[Pat]

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing. The urge to dress will stay.) So overall it's probably a better strategy to dress and get exposure to it than it is to not dress and drag the whole process out. (no pun intended.)

[Jaylyn]

I have many of those feelings. The arousel, the shame but it's fading some, I'm just getting older and think this is just me and I try to convince myself I do this just like a hobby. The dressing does make me look way younger and I love that. It also makes me stay in physical shape because I want to look good. Like you though I sometimes dress and then feel I need to get out to the farm or do something else in my shop. I get to thinking I don't have time for this today. I do feel like I would enjoy being a female but I also like myself as a male on other times. There's triggers that bring all the feelings about it seems.

[Samantha uk]

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing. The urge to dress will stay.) So overall it's probably a better strategy to dress and get exposure to it than it is to not dress and drag the whole process out. (no pun intended.)

That does make sense to me because arousal and feelings of femininity do feel like two very separate things

[Jenny22]

I've been extinct for a long time!

[patti1569]

I've had to deal with all of those feelings too. Especially as young boy going thru puberty!! Lots of mixed emotions! Even now, I find myself questioning who I am as a person. Not the easiest thing in the world being a crossdresser, but I would never change that part of me even if I could.

[Lana Mae]

I have had these feelings for years and never understood or questioned much! Really only started dressing 2 years (more or less) ago! Since I have started, I have not felt the shame or guilt I did earlier in life! It is just a journey and I am along to enjoy the ride! Hugs Lana Mae

[Rachael Leigh]

What happened with me in my journey was while there was a time that happened to me I hated it. It became to me an
Annoyance. Now as I’ve come to terms with my gender identity it’s not an issue anymore. Getting dressed for me is my normal there is nothing sexual about it at all.
So for many there may always be that element but for some it goes away once you accept who you are
My two cents worth
Rachael

[Jennie2]

Hi Samantha
As the other replies have said sexual arousal often comes with dressing but does diminish with age. Like you I still do get aroused by my reflection in the mirror when dressed, but not that often now. I never felt shame or confused, and you should try not to as you are what you are, a Cross-dresser, you were made this way don't be ashamed of what you are or do, be proud of yourself. I am.

Jennie

[Alice B]

Not at all a reason to feel shame. We all do it.

[reb.femme]

I've certainly been through that phase of sexual arousal. That's how it all started for me but, I never felt any shame. Just didn't want to get caught, which eventually happened.

Becky

[Linda P.]

Have fortunately never felt any internal shame or guilt, but was well aware that I would face condemnation by others if found out. As far as sexual arousal, like others have said, it diminished with the years but the enjoyment and fulfillment is as strong as ever. This question of sexual arousal I think for some may be a cause of the guilt feeling because to be sexually aroused by an inanimate object, clothing in this case, is considered a fetish and persons with fetishes are generally looked upon as having mental/emotional issues. Leading some to feel what they're doing is wrong.
For myself it's always been a guilt-free enjoyment of an activity that has harmed no one and given great emotional satisfaction. I feel very fortunate to have discovered this aspect of my personality and to have it grow and flourish.

[Gillian Gigs]

One of the few joys about growing older is not giving a rip what others think any more. Coming to accept oneself is to forgive yourself and move beyond shame, guilt, and confusion. Sounds like you may have a bit of a fetish thing going on, but don't beat yourself up about it either. A fetish is really nothing more than a sexual quirk, and we all have quirks. It's just that western culture has hang ups about sex, so fetishes have a stigma to them.

[Tracii G]

So glad I never suffered all the shame ,guilt and emotional baggage that some struggle with.
I am surprised too because I was very much an alpha male in a very alpha male structured group of people.
If anyone should have had all the troubles dealing with gender dysphoria it should have been me.

[RADER]

I also felt shame when dressed; now at age 70, I am just glad I can do it.
Rader

[alwayshave]

I no longer feel ashamed when dressing. I also don't have sexual arousal from dressing as I did the younger. It's just something I enjoy.

[Stephanie47]

I think every man who wears women's clothing has felt shame, disgust, self loathing, etc. It's against societal norms and expectations. Society in my youth said any man who wore women's clothing was a homosexual. That was really confusing to a young teen who openly lusted and salivated over attractive girls and movie stars. How can someone reconcile those desires with the desire to appear as a woman. When you get to heaven maybe there will be some revelations.

I cannot explain why I feel the desire and sometimes necessity to wear women's clothing. It does bring me peace. It is sometimes an escape from issues I really do not want to tackle at the moment. My advice, if someone wants an explanation of why you wear women's clothing is to tell the truth. You do not know. Explaining how it makes you feel is different than what makes you tick.

[Julie Slowinski]

Wow!!! A lot of very well adjusted girls on this thread.

Samantha, I think that the silent majority of crossdressers are in a constant battle between arousal and shame - the two seem to go hand-in-hand, at least they do for me. The arousal part has diminished somewhat over time, but not as much as I would have liked. What has provided more balance for me is a stronger desire to present well and most importantly do so without guilt or shame, which means that I have to do some mental jujitsu to put the arousal part out of my mind and focus on the experience of being dressed. Just like everything else with crossdressing - it takes practice. Hope this helps ....

💋💋💋 Julie

[sarah_hillcrest]

Samantha, trust me I'm sure everyone feels like that. From 2002-2015 wife an I probably had sex around 2-3 times per month and I'm not going to sugar coat it, half the time sucked. It sucked because I felt so much shame and guilt over what I found arousing. In 2015 we were close to divorce. Wife was miserable and told me she was going to start looking elsewhere for sex. I broke my hand when I punched a wall. Life sucked. I made a friend online (ironically who I sort of knew in RL) and spilled my guts to this person, told them I felt like a girl half the time, felt like crap most of the rest of the time. I guess it was like therapy but talking to her helped me to accept myself. Told my wife in 2015 that I was weird and would always be, and that loved her but if she couldn't handle it we had to go our separate ways. Then we had crazy passionate sex.

Not to brag, but we've had wonderful sex 5 times in the last 10 days.

Moral of the story... Women like sex, no need to feel bad about it. Just do it.

[Maria 60]

My wife once told me I create how I want to view women. When I see a women that I like the way she is dressed, and it doesn't have to be sexy or erotic just everyday women. I will try to recreate the look and if I do it I will get aroused or if I try something new and can't believe myself how much I look like a women.
From my first time putting on pantyhose till almost fourty years later now I still get aroused putting on pantyhose or soom feelings being dressed.
It's not as arousing as when I was younger but there are times when it just feels great and just can't help to get aroused.

[DIANEF]

I think every man who wears women's clothing has felt shame, disgust, self loathing, etc. .

Not every man. I felt elation, excitement, anticipation of when I could do it again and how much further I could go. Of course in my youth the sexual element was there strongly, but for a long time now the main focus has been on looking the best I can and 'acting the part' if you will. Shame, disgust, self loathing? Never!

[Meghan4now]

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing. The urge to dress will stay.) So overall it's probably a better strategy to dress and get exposure to it than it is to not dress and drag the whole process out. (no pun intended.)

I'm DOOMED! Ah, oh well, what the heck, this IS starting to be more satisfying. Now where did I leave that dark eyebrow pencil.

Yeah, you are NOT alone.

[Becky Blue]

I have never experienced any shame. From age 12 to 40 dressing in any items of female clothing was a huge turn on. Until that point I had never dressed properly nor wanted to. Literally overnight it all changed and suddenly I needed to dress properly and that is when Becky emerged and the turn on factor disappeared suddenly and totally.

I think there are many differing routes we all take on this journey for some it will always be sexual for others it may never be. Maybe the increased need to dress reduces the sexual desires or perhaps its the other way around..

[docrobbysherry]

I still get turned on by Sherry. In fact, sex is a big part of my dressing in private. But, I've only been dressing for 20 years. And, one of these days I'll get old and not care about sex at all. I'm only 74 now.

But, Samantha, it has nothing to do with "feeling fem" in my case. I don't think I even have a "fem side". It's mostly about what I see in the mirror!
And, it's not one particular item that excites me. So, it's not a fetish.
What did Blanchard call it, "Autogynephilia"?

I've suffered a lot of guilt from dressing, but, never from the "having sex" part. I believe ALL consenting sex is good sex!