The hardest thing to come to terms with

[Samantha uk]

My story is like many others on here. Got married, eventually told my wife, she had a tough time with it and now we are working through it. But the most confusing thing about it all are the conflicting feelings of femininity and sexual arousal.

When I dress its because I want to feel feminine but being a hetrosexual man I get aroused by the vision I create which in turn creates a sense of shame and confusion. Theres no wonder we have a hard time coming out, how can you explain that mixed up tangled web of emotion to someone who doesn't have those feelings, especially if your still trying to work it out yourself.

I'm a bit more forgiving of myself as I get older but is still a bit of a mine field and I often get to a point where I think 'sod this, put it all back in the box and leave it until next time' Which is probably not a bad thing because theres a million other things that I've got to get on with.

Does anyone else feel like that?

[Dana44]

Yep when I was younger. Shame and confusion is a powerful combination But I finally got over it and feel good about myself now. .

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm baffled by the whole guilt/shame thing. I don't know why I've never experienced it, but I had no religious indoctrination and that clearly helped.

I feel so sorry for those members who are tortured by guilt, it's so useless, so corrosive, so counter-productive.

[Micki_Finn]

I think most of us here can relate to some degree. For me I did indeed feel shame and embarrassment, but for me it was kind of from the other side. I know so many great LBGTQ people, I felt like my behavior would be shameful to that community. I felt like because I became sexually arroused around women’s clothing that I was some kind of “cheap ferishist” and that what I was doing would be looked down on by the “respectable” LGBTQ community.

What really changed for me was taking control of my dressing once I came to terms with who I was. Once I took control of my dressing and was able to dress on my time on the way I wanted things really shifted. I don’t get the rush of adrenaline and hormones when I have a couple hours to sneak on some “girly time”.

So now I feel much more in control and human. It CAN be a sexual/erotic experience, but that’s my decision now. It deserves to be said that there is nothing WRONG with sexual arousal during your dressing. It’s all about what you want to get out of it.

[Julie Slowinski]

It deserves to be said that there is nothing WRONG with sexual arousal during your dressing. It’s all about what you want to get out of it.

I think this is a very important point ... figuring this out was the first step on my continuing journey of self acceptance.

[Pat]

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing. The urge to dress will stay.) So overall it's probably a better strategy to dress and get exposure to it than it is to not dress and drag the whole process out. (no pun intended.)

[Samantha uk]

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing. The urge to dress will stay.) So overall it's probably a better strategy to dress and get exposure to it than it is to not dress and drag the whole process out. (no pun intended.)

That does make sense to me because arousal and feelings of femininity do feel like two very separate things

[SaraLin]

I guess for me, these feelings were best defined (for me) by one particular skirt I've owned for years now. Perhaps sharing my story will help?

It's not an especially pretty, or sexy skirt. It's around knee length, a lightweight nylon fabric, with a heavily patterned, mostly blue coloring... but it's one of my favorites - partly because it's the one I've had the opportunity to share with a couple of the GG's I've dated in the past (It's just SOOO cool when they want to borrow something of yours!). It also can serve as a good symbol for the sexual arousal question too. Here goes...

Lying in my drawer or hanging in my closet, it's 'just a skirt'.

When it was being worn by my girlfriends, it wasn't the skirt itself that was turning me on. It was the girl in it.

When I wear it, I've discovered that it isn't the skirt itself that gets me 'turned on' (if it happens at all). It's more the idea that I'm in it. For me, this is me granting myself permission to feel feminine and pretty - and somehow a large of my sexuality is tied up in this. When I can feel like a girl, I discover that I can also feel sexual, and yes, this feminine-feeling sensation can be arousing to my masculine parts (inconvenient at that may be at the moment).

My sexual fantasies when dressed are of being made love to as a woman, and the few times that my former girlfriends have indulged me in this fantasy have been mind-blowing. It's a shame that these relationships didn't work out (for other reasons than my dressing, BTW).

[Meghan4now]

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing. The urge to dress will stay.) So overall it's probably a better strategy to dress and get exposure to it than it is to not dress and drag the whole process out. (no pun intended.)

I'm DOOMED! Ah, oh well, what the heck, this IS starting to be more satisfying. Now where did I leave that dark eyebrow pencil.

Yeah, you are NOT alone.

[Becky Blue]

I have never experienced any shame. From age 12 to 40 dressing in any items of female clothing was a huge turn on. Until that point I had never dressed properly nor wanted to. Literally overnight it all changed and suddenly I needed to dress properly and that is when Becky emerged and the turn on factor disappeared suddenly and totally.

I think there are many differing routes we all take on this journey for some it will always be sexual for others it may never be. Maybe the increased need to dress reduces the sexual desires or perhaps its the other way around..

[sometimes_miss]

Been there, done that.
Sexual arousal may not be linked to crossdressing; for some, it simply occurs while you're in the process of crossdressing, as when we are young, it doesn't take much to get us sexually aroused. As teens, most boys experience erections for which there no known stimulus. We don't know whether it's some subconscious thoughts, a slightly noticed scent, the momentary peripheral view of something sexy (might only be a girl's skirt sliding up a bit for only a moment, I've been there when I was 17, just a split second glance up a girls skirt who was on the staircase above me did it; all I saw was the lacy part of her slip, but that was apparently enough to get the hormones surging). So if the sight or feel of something you associate with the female sex gets you aroused, crossdressing is certainly going to do it. So of course that's going to lead to confusion.

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing.

That might only be because our sexual drive slows down with age. The above experience for me only occured until I was out of my twenties.
And we're men; we naturally think we look way better than we actually do. That might have something to do with the huge number of folks here who think they look so much younger or able to pass, than they really do.

I can only speak for myself about this. While we do know that how we identify ourselves as either male or female is completely separate from our sexual preference, most have no idea of why there is an inconsistancy between the two. Trying to just say 'it's just the clothes' is an obvious escape line that leaves both people in the dark, as the reason for the desire to crossdress remains unknown. And THAT can become a problem. Because if you can't give a good reason for why you're doing something, the person you're telling about it, will IMAGINE a reason, and you can bet it won't be anything you want them to think. Mostly, they wil think you're gay or transsexual, and either lying to them, or deeply in denial. And unless you have a better explanation (and in my case, even though I DID), then you're sunk.
So it's best to start exploring everything you feel, and when. And when you first started to feel these crossdressing desires. Then either figure it out yourself (not necessarily advisable, it took me 30 years to get it all straightened out), or discuss it with a therapist. Or bring it up here, and be prepared to sift out the good information from the bad. You do have the benefit of the internet for resources, which I did not, so hopefully it won't take you as long.

[Ally 2112]

Felt all the wonderful shame loathing hating myself for years .As i have got older i finally have found acepptance for the most part .Do not over think it just do it if you can or are in the mood be happy

[Jaylyn]

I have many of those feelings. The arousel, the shame but it's fading some, I'm just getting older and think this is just me and I try to convince myself I do this just like a hobby. The dressing does make me look way younger and I love that. It also makes me stay in physical shape because I want to look good. Like you though I sometimes dress and then feel I need to get out to the farm or do something else in my shop. I get to thinking I don't have time for this today. I do feel like I would enjoy being a female but I also like myself as a male on other times. There's triggers that bring all the feelings about it seems.

[Jenny22]

I've been extinct for a long time!

[patti1569]

I've had to deal with all of those feelings too. Especially as young boy going thru puberty!! Lots of mixed emotions! Even now, I find myself questioning who I am as a person. Not the easiest thing in the world being a crossdresser, but I would never change that part of me even if I could.

[Lana Mae]

I have had these feelings for years and never understood or questioned much! Really only started dressing 2 years (more or less) ago! Since I have started, I have not felt the shame or guilt I did earlier in life! It is just a journey and I am along to enjoy the ride! Hugs Lana Mae

[Rachael Leigh]

What happened with me in my journey was while there was a time that happened to me I hated it. It became to me an
Annoyance. Now as I’ve come to terms with my gender identity it’s not an issue anymore. Getting dressed for me is my normal there is nothing sexual about it at all.
So for many there may always be that element but for some it goes away once you accept who you are
My two cents worth
Rachael

[Jennie2]

Hi Samantha
As the other replies have said sexual arousal often comes with dressing but does diminish with age. Like you I still do get aroused by my reflection in the mirror when dressed, but not that often now. I never felt shame or confused, and you should try not to as you are what you are, a Cross-dresser, you were made this way don't be ashamed of what you are or do, be proud of yourself. I am.

Jennie

[Alice B]

Not at all a reason to feel shame. We all do it.

[reb.femme]

I've certainly been through that phase of sexual arousal. That's how it all started for me but, I never felt any shame. Just didn't want to get caught, which eventually happened.

Becky

[Linda P.]

Have fortunately never felt any internal shame or guilt, but was well aware that I would face condemnation by others if found out. As far as sexual arousal, like others have said, it diminished with the years but the enjoyment and fulfillment is as strong as ever. This question of sexual arousal I think for some may be a cause of the guilt feeling because to be sexually aroused by an inanimate object, clothing in this case, is considered a fetish and persons with fetishes are generally looked upon as having mental/emotional issues. Leading some to feel what they're doing is wrong.
For myself it's always been a guilt-free enjoyment of an activity that has harmed no one and given great emotional satisfaction. I feel very fortunate to have discovered this aspect of my personality and to have it grow and flourish.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

I'll just add that this continues to be a confusing point for me as well, but, if you think about it, as a heterosexual male, it actually makes sense. Right? If the image you're creating is based on an image your sexually attracted to, some level of arousal is to be expected. And it my case, it's certainly true that there's a fetish element with the clothes. I know when I was a teenager, I vastly preferred Victoria's Secret catalogs to Playboys or porno mags. I would rather look at a seductively dressed women over a completely naked one. Maybe I'm weird? Well, yeah...that's a given.

But the thing I always keep coming back to is that I've been interested in trying on girls' clothes almost as long as I can recall. I remember being 5 years old and watching another boy try on a skirt and being insanely jealous. The whole idea was absolutely fascinating to me. So, despite the arousal, there are things happening on several layers here. More and more, the urge to get out in public is overwhelming the need to just get dressed up in private. I can totally see where what others have said in this thread about the arousal diminishing as you go more "public" and integrate the dressing more regularly into your life. Makes total sense. For me, lately, the overwhelming sense I get after getting all gussied up and looking in the mirror is, "Well - now what?"

[Teri Ray]

Whew............. glad someone finally wrote this thread. I thought I was the only one who suffered these feelings. Glad to learn that I am not the only person in the world who went through all these feelings. (just kidding). If there is anyone in the world who can explain the conundrum of sexual arousal from youth through maturity; I figure they would be world famous by now; and have all the answers written in a book like Dr. Spock did for child raising. I figure there is no generally accepted right answer for how to deal with our feelings and behavior. I think we all deal with these feelings differently.

The important result is to be able to answer the question if our actions, thoughts and feelings affect the perception of ourselves and others for being a decent person. Most of my best lessons learned in life came from doing dumb things. I may not know all the right things to do and feel, but I am certain I know many of the things "you should not do".

Life is a learning process. As they say "we get too soon old, and too late smart". So far I am doing well on the getting old part. Still struggling with the getting smart part.

[Gillian Gigs]

One of the few joys about growing older is not giving a rip what others think any more. Coming to accept oneself is to forgive yourself and move beyond shame, guilt, and confusion. Sounds like you may have a bit of a fetish thing going on, but don't beat yourself up about it either. A fetish is really nothing more than a sexual quirk, and we all have quirks. It's just that western culture has hang ups about sex, so fetishes have a stigma to them.

[Tracii G]

So glad I never suffered all the shame ,guilt and emotional baggage that some struggle with.
I am surprised too because I was very much an alpha male in a very alpha male structured group of people.
If anyone should have had all the troubles dealing with gender dysphoria it should have been me.