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Thread: Is keeping a secret too much to ask from someone?

  1. #26
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    I am going to be blunt here. Girls can't keep secrets. If you tell her she is going to tell someone. Be it her bff her mom sister cousin or everyone she knows. She isn't doing it to belittle you and maybe not even because she thinks it's weird she is going to want to talk with someone about it no matter how excepting ahe is.

  2. #27
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    I told my wife a few weeks after marriage after I realized it was more serious then I thought, I took a big chance and she had lots of questions but she was ok with it. That was thirty years ago. Leading to me telling her it felt like I had the dice in my hand and I was going to except whatever number I rolled.
    I know it's hard to take this chance of losing someone you love and maybe outting yourself at the same time. You can't come here and expect the proper answer, we don't know you or her. This is a great place for advice and the only advice I could give is, better now then later and timing is everything. One thing about women, what's good today is not good tomorrow. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  3. #28
    Member Diane Taylor's Avatar
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    Secrets of any kind are quite difficult to keep and eventually they are no longer a secret. back when I first came out, my now ex wife eventually asked me if she could tell her best friend. I was totally OK with that so she told her. Come to find out, her best friend, a female, was totally into it !!!! It's a tough decision though because asking her to keep your secret puts a burden on her.

  4. #29
    Member greeneyes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wbdavid View Post
    I am going to be blunt here. Girls can't keep secrets. If you tell her she is going to tell someone. Be it her bff her mom sister cousin or everyone she knows. She isn't doing it to belittle you and maybe not even because she thinks it's weird she is going to want to talk with someone about it no matter how excepting ahe is.
    Not true! I know, and I have not told anyone, and wouldn't without speaking to Joni first, and getting her permission. I think this is like sharing what you do in the bedroom, the information belongs to both of us. It should not be discussed with anyone else without permission from your SO.

    Ellje, you know her better than anyone...is she someone that you can confide in? I do think you need to tell her if you are getting serious.

  5. #30
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    First and foremost, you should take it slow, and try to find out how she feels about guys who crossdress. Take her to crossdressing shows, occasionally slip in a dvd movie about a character who crossdresses, and see how she deals with it. If everything goes well, you can even make up a tale about knowing someone who found out her SO was a crossdresser, and how badly she responded to it. Then ask her how she would have dealt with the situation. During your times together, perhaps go to an area where some openly gay people are, and see how she reacts to them.
    Remember, however, that how accepting someone is 'in theory', things can all change quickly when all of a sudden it's THEIR boyfriend/husband who is the gender bender. So tread carefully.
    But I think you must at some point tell her. I had stopped crossdressing years before meeting my wife. I really thought that I had 'beaten it'; that I'd never do it again. I was with my wife for seven years before the crossdressing demon came back with a vengeance, and by that time it was too late. She was sure to find out eventually, and she did. Marital explosives soon started.
    As you DO get around to talking to her about it, you can always first admit that you USED TO crossdress. That makes it seem a little more palatable; as if it's something that you did in the past, but not currently. Past sins are often forgivable. Currently ongoing behavior, usually is not. If she sees nothing wrong with it, or at least isn't too bothered by it, proceed carefully from there: She will then have learned that despite your previous feminine explorations, you certainly seem 'all man', now.
    And this is the important thing; separating the behavior from who she believes you to inherently be.

    Now then, as far as secrets in general. It depends upon what the secret is. Discovering that someone is a crossdresser can be very disturbing to a person; most are brought up with in a culture and with a religion that tells them horrible things about us. If they are friends or relatives, then they have to somehow deal with this, and most will want to talk it over with someone else for emotional support. Leaving them stuck with no way to resolve the conflicts they experience would be cruel indeed.
    This is why we really must consider why we want to tell someone that we are crossdressers/TG/TS; is it for their best interest? Or just ours? How will it benefit the other person?
    While I feel that a true friend would be willing to help me with any problem I have, sometimes giving THEM another issue in life to deal with simply isn't the right thing to do.
    I went through this with one of my friends; we had been getting closer, and, he would ask my opinion on lots of things, and would ask why I behaved the way I did, on others. I really had to think before just blurting out my entire past (in the link in my sig), and leaving him all sorts of conflicts to deal with. He's very religious,and had already mentioned his difficulty accepting the gay people at work. He didn't hate them, but had trouble reconciling his religious beliefs with his observations that these gay people were not the monsters that he had been brought up to believe they were. He was also one of the many who were embarrassed by who they voted for, because he felt he had been fooled into supporting someone who had so obviously lied about so much. So he was dealing with a lot of issues. I didn't feel that I should burden him with another issue that he surely had no one else to go to, to help him figure it out. Sure, I could tell him everything I knew, but most people who aren't TG friendly need more than one source who feels it's acceptable, or he'll just feel that anyone he already knows would disapprove strongly, leaving him to wonder if he should abandon me, or abandon the other person. Of course, I also feared that I would come up with the short straw in that situation, as I have several times before. So I decided to keep my mouth shut, and just know that we all have secrets that we keep, and simply share what we enjoy together and leave it at that. Not every relationship has to include everything.
    In my experience, women are no worse at keeping secrets than men are. It just seems that way, because they share intimate information freely with their friends, which men, do not. Women bond with each other by talking and sharing relationship information. Men bond with each other by sharing activities; we can enjoy an entire day of hunting, fishing, boating, etc., without saying more than a dozen words. That would drive any women nuts.
    John Gray explained it best: When faced with a problem with no solution, men will say, 'well, if we can't do anything about it, why talk about it?', while women will say, 'well, if we can't do anything about it, at least we can talk about it!' And they will. Women will talk and talk and talk about problems with no solutions over and over and over. They seem to enjoy it. And THAT, would drive MEN nuts.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 10-12-2017 at 09:00 AM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  6. #31
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    Jeez...for a bunch of crossdresser you gals don't seem to have too much respect for women. Comments like "women typically share EVERYTHING when it comes to relationships" and 'Girls can't keep secrets" sound sexist and condescending.

  7. #32
    Member Lux's Avatar
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    I do believe you should let her know if it's been 6 months but I don't think it's fair to drop all of this on her and expect her to deal with it by herself. It's too much.

    I told my girlfriend (accepting wife now) after dating about 3 months. I could tell it was (understandably) a huge shock for her. I quickly thought about it and told her she should pick one very close person to share all of this information with and she chose a very close cousin (one ring outside her immediate family). It was risky but it turned out to be the best advice ever. She was able to talk to someone who was LBGT friendly, get anxiety off her chest and have someone to talk about it besides me. It also helped that my wife took it upon herself to buy books off Amazon that dealt with the subject (i.e. my husband Betty,etc). It really is way too much to ask someone to process all that information by themselves.

    Fast forward to the present. Since we came out to her cousin and husband, the four of us go to Vegas every year where I am full femme and we go to any restaurant and any club. I honestly can't imagine living with all the fear and shame of non disclosure. That was how my first marriage ended. Looking back, I personally feel that if your spouse/s.o can't accept who you really are then you should be with someone who does. The freedom is priceless and completely indescribable. Good luck!

  8. #33
    Senior Member Ally 2112's Avatar
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    This is always a tough one ! .If you know she is the one you want to be with and you can figure out if she is open minded then you have to tell her .Keeping secrets in a realationship does not work she will figure it out which will make it worse.Wish you all the best
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  9. #34
    Banned Read only Vicky_Scot's Avatar
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    You tell someone your secret and now its not your secret, it's THEIR's. Be careful who you tell.

  10. #35
    Aspiring Member Joni T's Avatar
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    Tell her NOW, before you get too deeply involved with her. If she can't handle it you'll be miserable until one of the two of you either dies or divorces. Up front and honesty is the ONLY way any relationship will endure.
    Jon

  11. #36
    Connie Connie D50's Avatar
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    ellje
    My 2 cents is talk asap, I'm 62 I wish I had the internet back when I was 20 when I met my wife. Back then of course I though I was the only one out there dressing. You have a lot of passed post here that tells you every kinds of end to telling or not. Both with good and bad endings. If you think she is the one the sooner you find out, her take on this the better (for you and her). I would also give it time to set in if it's a positive response making sure it not the current love fasciation that give her that positive response. Sorry I'm not a doctor and I don't even play one on TV it's just my 2 cents.

  12. #37
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    Secrets are slippery things that tend to wander away when people aren't paying close attention to them. There has to be a willingness to understand the consequences of allowing the information to escape. One of my friends would share knowledge of her feminine side with someone and tell them they could pick one person to share it with. They would have to tell her who they wanted to share it with so they could talk over the consequences of poor choices and loose lips. It seemed to work for her, but she is totally out now and it wouldn't matter if that old secret were now revealed.

    I did the same thing and it seems that my secret has been shared beyond the parameters I initially established. My mileage wasn't as good as hers, but probably a little closer to the standard. Secrets are difficult for some people to keep, even if they care for you. So if you do share, please be confident enough in yourself that if it is shared, you will be able to handle it.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  13. #38
    Gold Member Alice B's Avatar
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    I always think that telling her is the best option and saves a lot of grief down the road. Being open and honest and listing to her concerns is important.As is establishing ground rules. I seriously doubt that she would go out and tell everyone. It's yours and her secret.

  14. #39
    silicone member Danielle_cder's Avatar
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    Honesty honesty honesty!!! Want a solid relationship then communication is paramount. Honesty will set you free
    the only limit that u set, is the one u set yourself.

  15. #40
    Member karrin's Avatar
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    Jennie, that is very well said and very true. be safe Karrin

  16. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by audreyinalbany View Post
    Jeez...for a bunch of crossdresser you gals don't seem to have too much respect for women. Comments like "women typically share EVERYTHING when it comes to relationships" and 'Girls can't keep secrets" sound sexist and condescending.
    I'm sorry you feel that way but the truth is the truth weather you want to admit it or not.
    Neither of my ex wives could keep a secret.
    Just because we CD does not mean anything in this case.
    Its not sexist or condescending.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 10-12-2017 at 04:31 PM.

  17. #42
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    When my wife and I had "the talk" one of the concerns she expressed was keeping my secret which was now our secret. She felt she had no person with whom to confide with. It did become a burden to her. Time somewhat mellowed her responses or concerns. The big issue is "what the heck?" A woman gets interested in a man or is not interested based on what's exhibited before her. If I were a woman I'd probably feel I was sold a false set of goods. What else is he hiding? Of course, after "the talk" or "the reveal" how does this new quirk factor into the relationship. You're correct in reading too many cases of initial acceptance turning into revulsion and divorce. Sometimes "love is blind" takes over for a period of time. Then a woman may be overwhelmed by her mates desires to push harder and harder for more acceptance.

    Even if you reveal all to her now is no guarantee she will not change her mind. My wife and I have been married for over 45 years. It has been truly "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for over thirty years. She makes no comments or snide remarks about cross dressing. Once past the initial shock and having a long history together she knows this is only a minute part of who I am. Marriage in itself takes a lot of work. Many men and women always want things to be easy. Many people lack the maturity to be married without throwing in some quirk society in general deems not conforming to norms and expectations.

    If you and her decide to progress forward after "the talk, the reveal" I would suggest ground rules be established. Any changes, like anything in a marriage, need to be discussed. Good luck!

  18. #43
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    This isn't about whether or not to tell, or how to tell. The issue is how to tell with the expectation that she will honor your wish to keep it confidential. How to do that? Secure her promise BEFORE telling. If she can't promise to keep secret what you have to tell her, DON'T. If she promises but you don't trust her to keep that promise, DON'T. That, however, is a problem itself.

  19. #44
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    I'm sorry you feel that way but the truth is the truth weather you want to admit it or not.
    Neither of my ex wives could keep a secret.
    (Personal opinion) It may say more about your choice of wives than reveal a universal truth about all women everywhere. People are people -- some can keep confidentiality and some can't. It's not sex-related.

    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleScott View Post
    This isn't about whether or not to tell, or how to tell. The issue is how to tell with the expectation that she will honor your wish to keep it confidential.
    (Moderator's opinion) Nicole is correct. Please stay on topic. It's not like there's a shortage of "should I tell?" threads out there if you want to discuss that.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  20. #45
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    None of the answers here are wrong, but none are really useful for anything other than perspective. Not that that's a small thing - it's good to lean on the experience of others, but you are the one who must judge the depth of your relationship and the character of the one you share it with. I will say that Jaylyn and the others who've advocated sooner rather than later are correct. If the outcome is poor, you're better off knowing now.
    It's a big step, not one I would take with anyone but someone with whom I was ready to commit a long-term relationship. If that's where you are, and you've decided to go ahead, frame the talk in those terms. The fact that you value the relationship enough to share something so significant and personal should way in your favor. If it does not, you will still have learned something important.

  21. #46
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Some time after sharing "your secret" ,there will be a question and answer session..Perhaps that will happen before your friend shares your secret and discusses you with her friends. I suggest you "get your story straight" asap,BEFORE spilling. There is no need to feel embarrassed,just be prepared to reveal the PRESENT depth of your interest in CDing. You need to be able to explain yourself...

  22. #47
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Ellie, I told my fiancee early in our relationship before we moved in together. I knew that I would not be in what I hoped would be a long term relationship not being able tp express this side of myself. She has threatened outing me once, it was just a threat, it did hurt. But all in all, 11 years in I am glad that I told her.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  23. #48
    Platinum Member Angie G's Avatar
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    My wife has done really well keeping my Secret for 11 years now and that's a record for her. Who knows if anyone would be able to keep a secret.
    Angie

  24. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pat (aka Jennie) View Post
    (Personal opinion) It may say more about your choice of wives than reveal a universal truth about all women everywhere. People are people -- some can keep confidentiality and some can't. It's not sex-related.

    Pretty nasty of you to throw a personal slam in there like that Pat so thank you so much.. No offense of course as you Northeast types say.
    The mother of my two fabulous Daughters is not an evil person just confused and makes bad choices,my second is a nice person just has a way of getting herself in trouble.
    Both are the same in the way they tend to mess up their lives and neither can keep a secret.
    I have yet met a female that could keep a secret is all I am saying.
    Last edited by Pat; 10-13-2017 at 12:32 PM. Reason: fix quote tag

  25. #50
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Not a personal slam, Tracii. Just saying your experience may be more indicative of your choices than it is of an immutable attribute for half of humanity.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    I have yet met a female that could keep a secret is all I am saying.
    Let me introduce you to my therapist. There wouldn't BE female therapists if they couldn't keep a secret. Ditto female lawyers, accountants, cops, MDs, ministers, SEALS and all the other professions where confidentiality is a core part of the job.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

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