Is keeping a secret too much to ask from someone?

[NicoleScott]

Maybe you shouldn't be revealing secrets if you have no expectation that your secrets will be kept. I do have that expectation because I can rely on a person's word and their history of keeping promises.
On Big Bang Theory Sheldon was distraught when Penny asked him to keep a secret, something she had already revealed to him. He said she should have told him that beforehand, in which case he would have declined to hear the secret. While Sheldon is no expert on human interaction, I agree in this case. Secure a commitment to keep a secret before revealing it. Then you have a greater expectation.

[Jenny22]

It would be interesting to hear from our GGs on the 'keeping it a secret question', if they were told before marriage and asked that it be kept a secret just between them. Did they find it to be burdensome because they couldn't then discuss it with someone? How did they personally handle the secret reveal?

[ellje]

THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to share your opinions and experiences! I really appreciate it! I've been a little busy and so couldn't reply sooner.

I'm going to attempt to categorize the replies, because it helps me process things.

(a) Regarding WHETHER to tell her: There seems to be a pretty solid consensus on this. In short, if I'm serious, I will have to tell her at some point.

(b) Regarding HOW to tell her: Helpful points were raised including "testing the waters" first, securing a promise of confidentiality, and being ready to answer her questions.

(c) Regarding the RISKS of telling her (or not): Basically, we can speculate, but it's impossible to know. It's quite interesting how much of the discussion was framed as a cost-benefit analysis. I'm prone to thinking this way as well. I see how that in trying to assess the harm of her having to keep a secret it might appear that I'm trying to minimize it (a seemingly altruistic motive), but on further reflection, I suspect I might have been subconsciously trying to rationalize my hesitance to go ahead with what is a risky, scary, but ultimately necessary course of action. It's strange, because I feel like I WANT to tell her, not that I HAVE to (in order to avoid disaster later on, etc.). I want to be comfortable sharing everything with her, and have her be comfortable sharing everything with me!

(d) Regarding the REWARDS of telling her: I found it heartening to read some of the positive and even liberating outcomes some of you shared! It is helpful to see a relationship as a process rather than a the result of a coin toss, and to remind myself that it's a lot of continuous work above and beyond the issue of crossdressing.

(e) Regarding whether its even POSSIBLE to keep secrets: This is an interesting question in itself. Sometimes secrets may be revealed by accident, with no malice intended. Regardless of the circumstances, the possibility is of the beans being spilled will always be there, and so I should be prepared for it.

(e) Regarding whether a secret is BURDENSOME: It seems that the answer to this is generally YES, especially for something as potentially confusing as crossdressing. She might need to talk to someone to work through her thoughts and emotions. That's fair; I expected as much. The best I can do is to be as open and responsive to her concerns as possible, I guess. The point made that it becomes HER secret kinda blew my mind, lol. I didn't think of that. I thought it was interesting that this could be OUR secret, just like any other piece of information that couples don't typically disclose freely. I suppose this really comes down to how she takes it, and whether she needs social support that I can't alone provide. Come to think of it, I would not want to put my need for confidentiality above her emotional well-being. Perhaps I'm not thinking about this in an entirely balanced manner, especially with regard to personal consequences... but doesn't being in love compel you to take risks you otherwise wouldn't?

Anyway, that's all I have for now. Thanks again to everyone for replying! I'll check back in if I think of something. Oh, and it would be interesting to hear the perspectives of GGs!

[Paige Dehart]

[QUOTE=wbdavid;4157544]I am going to be blunt here. Girls can't keep secrets. If you tell her she is going to tell someone. You may want to rethink your reply I have kept the secret for almost 20 years now. I am nothing special just a person who believes that what is told in confidence stays that way.

[CONSUELO]

Elije,

first welcome to this site. The question you ask has been discussed several times before so you may want to go back and search old posts for a wider discussion of this issue.

If you are going to be entering a serious relationship with this person you need to tell her. Before doing so you should try hard to gauge her reaction. Only you know her well enough to do this. Indeed she may decide to tell someone else but the key question is will she do so while being careful to protect you and not betray you by being nasty and vindictive. Talking to someone else to help her understand is acceptable. Telling someone else to put you in a bad light or "expose" you in some way would be an awful outcome. Hopefully you know her all enough to decide which path she may take.

Something to think about would be to offer that once you have explained your cross dressing, that you both see a therapist so that she can have all her questions asked. Make sure you find a therapist who has proper expertise in this area. Some do not know enough to be helpful.

[SaraLin]

Just my two cents' worth.

My SO is more worried than keeping my 'secret' than I am. I think she doesn't want people wondering what's wrong with her for staying with "one of those" than out of fear for me. Sounds kinda selfish worded that way, but not really. She hasn't had to (and doesn't want to) face the rejection, anger, fear, and confusion from others that's associated with all this, and I agree that there's no need to expose her to that mess.

As for me, I figure it's just nobody's business, so I don't bother telling them. If they find out somehow, oh well...

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ellje, The only true secret is the one that you don't share with anyone.>Orchid......

[Ressie]

I am going to be blunt here. Girls can't keep secrets.

This is a fact. Women need to share things with their best friends or another close female. "my boyfriend crossdresses" is too much to keep to her self. So you have to accept that there will a couple of rumors floating around at the hair salon. But you still won't be out to everyone, just a few.

[Tracii G]

I have to ask with you being 30 have you ever been in a long term relationship with a woman?
Have you ever dated a woman even on a short time frame?
I ask because the way you phrase things its sounds like you have no experience with women.
Its OK if you haven't and we have all been in that place and learned on our own how to deal with them so I am not trying to belittle you in any way if you have not.
I only ask because of the way you phrase things.