Instincts were followed

[Tamsin Secret]

A week ago my life changed.

In fact on that Saturday night I changed someone else's life too.
After harbouring a secret inside of me for the best part of my life I spoke words I never thought I would have the courage to speak.

I told my wife I crossdress.

It was brutal on emotions for both of us and at some points I was bordering on hysterical as the release of so many years came ebbing out.

My wife also was emotional both in surprise at what I'd told her but empathy for me as she could clearly see I was distressed.

I had planned for this to happen one day, I just didn't know when, or even if I would ever have the courage to do so.

I had a backup plan in the form of a letter I had written of which had many questions I thought she may ask and explanations but we didn't get to that point.

She listened, comforted me and allowed me to talk.

We must have been talking, crying, cuddling etc for a couple of hours (or that's what it seemed) and then went to bed together holding each other.

Her immediate concerns were what if it evolves into more than what it is, where did I do it and the hardest one to hear that she was scared of losing me as a husband.

I hope I reassured her on all and throughout tried to reflect in a way that would show her I had tried to think of things from her perspective and how it could/would make her feel.

She wants time to digest what has been said and I fully accepted that. I told her I want to answer any questions she has but only when she is ready to ask them.

The following day was ok, we didn't discuss the night before but we're very affectionate towards each other with reassuring hand squeezes and cuddles.

On Monday we messaged a bit during the day again her saying she needed time and me reassuring her that's ok. The only difference this time was that I asked she didn't close down on me. I want her to be able to talk about it.

I also told her that I had prepared for her to want to talk to someone about it. By that I mean a close friend/family member. I told her I wasn't pushing her to do that but realised that once I had told her it wasn't 'my secret’ anymore and she shouldn't have to bottle something up that I have chosen to unburden onto her if she felt that talking to me wasn't what she wanted to do.
That being said there is nothing I want more than to talk with her about it but I understand the utter absurdness those conversations may be for her at the moment.

I didn't really know how I would feel afterwards. I suppose a lot depended on the reaction of my wife. But it's a strange feeling of absolute exhaustion and quite a bit of guilt (in a different way than when I was carrying the secret) as I know emotionally I have no doubt caused her turmoil.

I am telling myself that ultimately I have done the right thing. But already being on the other side now I can see that keeping it secret is also an option (if you can be sure of never being caught, it not progressing to anything other than being in the house/hotel room, if you can deal with the hiding of the truth) it should still be considered.

Where do I go from here?

I told her I was telling her as I felt it was getting to a point where I couldn't handle all the feelings on my own anymore. It was affecting me as the person she already knew and because of my secret I could never explain why I was the way I was. I wasn't expecting her to be the person I discussed it with, but if I was going to seek some help to try and help me understand it more than I do, then she should know before anyone else. I don't know if I will tread that path or not straight away, I think I need some time to myself now too.

I told her I couldn't live with the fear of driving around with a bag of things in the boot of my car anymore, and God forbid, an accident happened and there was no explanation for it.

I love my wife and cannot portray just how wonderful she has been considering the news to her so far. She may be in shock so am under no illusions that the same tolerance will be consistent throughout the coming weeks/months/years.

What I do know is that she has given us a chance and I will be doing all I can to repay the early faith she has shown in the strength of our marriage faced with what to many would consider to be a bombshell.

Miss S

[AllieSF]

Congratulations on the very BIG step that you have taken. It is so much greater than any of those smaller steps we take over time as we discover this side of ourselves. My only going forward recommendations is patience, honesty, good communications and pray that she will understand what this and you really are all about, lite or otherwise. Thank you for sharing. That took a lot of courage.

[Lana Mae]

Congrats on a big step! Honesty and communication is what is needed now! Keep reassuring her you love her! Best wishes going forward! Hugs Lana Mae

[Micki_Finn]

I’ve said on the forums before that coming out to the wife isn’t an end but a beginning of a journey. She is supportive right now but that can come and go. Just keep the channels of communication open.

It sounds like you’re a little lost in your own identity so couples counseling could be helpful. Most therapists will give each of you some one-on-one time before or after a joint session which could be good for both you and your wife. As much as you want her to be open with you about her feelings, she may not be ready to say certain things to you directly.

[Tamsin Secret]

Thank you Lana Mae. You have always been a constant source of reflection for me on this forum. Appreciate your reply ❤️

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Micki_Finn,

My wife is the the most important part of this process but I hope as, as you say, it's the beginning of a journey.

I will always keep those lines open and pro help will be a step we may take. We both need that little time now and if we can cope together then maybe we can live the happy life without the intervention. (Preaching the ideological outcome &#128541

[Teri Ray]

You have done the right thing for you and your wife. But your big talk is just the beginning. Take things slow and stay open and honest. Best wishes.

[Tamsin Secret]

Ty Teri.

I know this wont be a smooth ride but I plan for it to be an honest one x

[Tracii G]

I think you did it the right way so good luck from here on out.

[Tamsin Secret]

Thanks Tracii,

It will take a lot of luck and open-minded thoughts from us both.

She has been so amazing to this point. We will see where life takes us but I will be sure to recognise every positive (even if it's not instantly recognisable) and hope my apathy towards how she may now feel can be turned into a workable (and hopefully still loving) relationship ongoing.

[Tracii G]

Keep in mind this coming out does not give you free reign to do nothing but talk CDing all the time.
She will get tired of that in a hurry trust me.
Just remain your guy self most of the time for now and especially when she needs you to be the guy she married.
Worse thing you can do is push too hard at this point.Let her adjust to it all in her time.

[SamanthaToday]

Miss Secret, from reading your well thought out post , tells me you are great at communicating when you want to.

This is a huge part of any success you will have with your wife, keep it up.

Very happy for you, must have felt like a huge rock was lifted off you.

[karrin]

that was a huge step Miss S. best wishes to you. be safe Karrin

[Angie G]

I think you did the wright thing keep things slow as of dressing she has no need to be pushed into this. Show her the love you have for her everyday just the way she has tacking it seems she is one awesome lady.
Angie

[Shely]

As someone who has done something very similar, I think, I know how you must feel. After we had our discussion some years ago we entered into a DADT mode, which is better than hiding things, but not the best situation. I hope your wife is accepting in the long term, but please don't push this too fast. It will take time for her to accept, and she may never fully accept it. Anyway you did the right thing. I hope the best for you!

[giuseppina]

... It sounds like you’re a little lost in your own identity so couples counseling could be helpful. ...

It's great that you have come out to your wife, and at least her initial reaction seems positive. Some counselling from a duly qualified and licensed mental health professional is good idea because the info should not be slanted in any direction barring a counsellor with an axe to grind. That should not happen in any case.

I'm inclined to wait until your DSW brings this topic up or a few weeks, whichever comes first to discuss this topic again. In the meantime, it is NOT open season to dress in front of her. That is a good way to irritate your DSW and may lead to rejection.

[Tracy Irving]

Congratulations! I hope everything goes well moving forward. This is all new for her so make sure she still sees the man she married. Good luck!!!

[Dana44]

Congratulation on coming out to your wife. I would take it slow with her and ask her for input on stuff. Involve her in your thought also and it will feel close and make the marriage even stronger.

[Aunt Kelly]

First of all, yes. You have done the right thing. Honesty is best.
Next, all the standard warnings - take it slow, don't take this first round of "acceptance" as much more than the acceptance of the idea of you being TG. That's a rather big thing for an SO to wrap her head around. It will take time - more than you probably expect, for her to be "OK" in a way you'd like to see.
Lastly, you seem to be very tuned in to her feelings on this. Good on you. That's a sign of a strong and healthy relationship. With that in the bank and with your attention to her feelings going forward, you have as good a shot as any couple ever has at working this out.

Good luck to both of you.

Hugs,


Kelly

[bridget thronton]

Sounds like a good start - hope things continue to go we!l

[Teresa]

MissSecret,
Not an easy thing to do and there never is a right time. So she still has a husband but she isn't sure what else at the moment and you will be in a similar frame of mind.
I know your mind is now in two camps, do you dress more now she knows or do you cut back so you don't appear to be taking advantage.I know the emotions running from you I felt like a millstone had been lifted off my shoulders . You've done the right thing telling she can talk to other people if it helps, please leave her with that and don't ask if and when she has said something ,that remains her business not yours .

The other point is don't make promises you can't keep, tell her truth if she asks the gay question ,if she presses the point about wanting to more like a woman tell her you need to get counselling to answer that truthfully , it helped me because they are more likely to believe a professional. Don't be afraid to come out to you GP if you need help that have heard it all before , you and I aren't the only CDers in the World.
IF it helps find a social group, that is the best thing I did , you then have some purpose to buying clothes and the problem of driving round in a car with women's clothes isn't a problem. I always carry drab ones just in case a problem does arise .

I wish you all the best on the next stage , it is now going to be a learning curve of how much you need and what she will accept , I'm afraid you will have to accept compromises but then that's part of life anyway .

[Linda P.]

My very best to you and your wife during this challenging time. Love will find a way.

[GretchenM]

You did the Big Reveal in such a wonderful and beautiful way with care for her feelings while revealing a huge and potentially devastating secret to her. Well done, in my opinion. In her mind, her fears are very real. Be sensitive to those fears and avoid pressuring or trying to coerce her to do or accept things she is not ready to do or accept. If she becomes very open to your now not so secret behavior then respect her gift. If she wants to put limits on it to keep you from escalation that can become a sticking point that must be dealt with through compromise. That may be when you two will really need the help of a third party professional. That can spin out of control very easily. But here at first, as so many have suggested, give her time and show her that the person that she married is still very much there. Actions speak much louder than words. Best of luck - it is doable even though you may need to make some compromises and she may need to do so as well.

[Pat]

That secret needed to come out for you, so it's good that you let it. Things sound hopeful and I'm certainly hoping this will turn into yet another accepting couple story. You're in a scary transitional spot right now as the relationship has to re-stabilize. Give her space. Do consider getting some counseling, but ONLY from a therapist with (positive) experience in transgender issues -- and if they have experience with couples, even better. You're both going to be worried about "what if" situations for a while and it would be great if you could get info from someone who has seen this play out successfully before.

Congratulations on getting the secret out. Good luck.

[LeannS]

Miss S stop pressing her for questions she might have I am sure she does but be patient just leave it alone till she brings it up.

hope for the best

Leann

[Tamsin Secret]

Thank you to you all for your responses.

It's been over a week now and we are still at a point where after the main revelation we have not really spoken about it again together. I have on a few occasions out of the blue asked her if she is ok (knowing she probably isn't) so at least if she did want to chat but didn't know how to start a conversation I was sort of giving her the opportunity. She has always said she was fine and gave me a hug.

I'm ok with that because I know she isn't ready to talk but it's me telling her I care and am ready when she is.

It must be a generational thing but we have made more progress through messaging. She has been a lot clearer on her feelings and has said she will/wants to talk but wants to get her emotions in check before she does.
I have always responded in a way in which clarified that whichever way she does things it isn't wrong. I also managed to reassure her on some of the fears she may have, without pressing to find out if they were questions she had, by telling her simply that what I do is not seedy, it's a form of expression and that at times we will both need a sense of humour should she ever feel comfortable talking/finding out more.

I wanted to say those things specifically as they are quite broad in their subject but should again help her to see that she shouldn't be afraid to find out (even if it's just a little) more about my dressing.

I told her that her life didn't have to change as let's face it before she knew I was doing it anyway and she had no suspicions. So even in the worst case scenario for me (again I told her I had prepared myself for this) if she didn't want to know/talk ever again about it she wasn't wrong to do so and at least I would no longer be hiding anything from her.

I'm hopeful that things will develop between us. I just want the opportunity to talk some more in the first instance if not only to re assure her in person about any fears she has.

Longer term I hope we can share a little part of this together but I know that's a long way off yet.

This forum has been a source of real insight for me and will continue to be a place I will cherish. You all have played a part in helping me understand better what it is we do and I hope to one day my thoughts/experiences help another soul somewhere along the line.

Miss S