Purging and other abuses

[Gillian Gigs]

In looking at other posts, I have been thinking about the whole purging issue. Isn't purging mainly about two issues, self acceptance, or the acceptance of others. Now there is a lot of work in getting others to accept us. Who knows if anything will change in this area which depends so much on the other person. Yet there is much that can be done in self acceptance. Maybe some of our problems with others is a result of us not accepting ourselves. Another thread gets into how to accept yourself, but I have been thinking where does purging and the other abuses fit into the over all picture. Why do we punish ourselves with purging and beating on ourselves when it rarely, to never changes anything. I say to those of us that still have times of self condemnation, we need to learn from the following. "We need to change the things that we can and accept the things that we can't, and have the wisdom to know and understand what the difference is." This site has been an incredible help to me and from reading many threads it has been to others also. In the end it is still our brain that has to wrap around this simple truth, there are some things that are beyond us and our control. As my mother used to say, "can a leopard change its spots".

[Teresa]

Gillian,
I've never purged, as I started with borrowing my wife's clothes and gradually built up a stash of her rejects until I had enough courage to go out and buy my own. I guess the process has been a struggle so I value what I have now.
As you say it doesn't solve the problem anyway, it won't stop us and it's a short lived fix to please our wives .

After a while we realise the clothes are the window to the World of our inner needs , purging loses that window so it's inevitable they will be replaced .

[Pat]

Personally, I think purging has more to do with lack of self-acceptance than lack of acceptance by others. Rejection by society might make you closeted, but purging seems to be the individual against themselves.

[Marie-Jo]

Purging seem to have similarities to the way alcoholics try to solve the problem, pour out the liquor. Disposal of the things you use to be able to cross-dress is also something that have high visibility to external parties in a discovery situation. As we all know, this does not solve the drive behind the behavior. Some may be able to control it, others will not.
I have a number of times thought, this (my cross-dressing) should end and have decided to stop. But I was very early warned. Once you have started it is very probable that you cannot stop. As I didn't trust that I would really stop and as I had no external pressure to purge and never thought that purging would make it easier, I never purged.
If I had had a wife cross with cross-dressing, I might have done it, for her but not for myself. I can easily see how easy it is to buy new make-up, bras, skirts etc. in case I wouldn't end the behavior. So purging may be a simple response, a pseudo solution, to both internal and external pressure. But as long as drive to the behavior remains and we can't control its expression, purging will be a pseudo solution with a temporary effect. How to gain control? I do not know. I have stopped smoking. Wasn't so hard. I still cross-dress, as it improves my health.

[sometimes_miss]

I think we purge because we think we can manage to keep the urge to crossdress under control; for me, it would happen immediately after I took off an outfit after having been dressed for a long period of time, many hours or even having been dressed as a girl for several days. Having satisfied the desire, the pent up stress was gone and I really believed that I could stop crossdressing. Then I would take all my girl things and throw them into a public trashcan, knowing that they would be picked up in a matter of hours so I couldn't change my mind.
But I liken crossdressing to driving a car with an alignment problem, that makes it pull to one side constantly. As long as we concentrate, we can make the car go wherever we want it to, but it takes constant little corrections, and, over time, it only takes one little moment of inattention, and eventually we wind up veering off to one side again. It's the same with crossdressing; it's only a matter of time until we lose the self control, and wind up veering off into lace land once again.

[Jaylyn]

I absolutely purged about three to four months ago. I went a week without even thinking about it. I thought this time it was going to be different. I started back just living vicariously thru this site. I tried to just comment on the other CDs to satisfy my urge. I had kept my makeup though thinking my wife might want my lipsticks. Just this week I got my order in for new forms that are bigger than the other ones. Bought new panties, although I did have a few of those i did not purge. New hose and three sets of heels bought some leggings and my wife several weeks ago went thru her tops and put the ones she didn't want in a plastic box that I was supposed to give to the mission. I went thru her tops and picked out a couple dozen, I just got the urge that I can't stop from dressing, I love it and those pictures I put on the dress and makeup section are three of the heels and the stretch jeans are new that I ordered. I'm starting over I guess and have more clothes now than I purged. Oh well guess I'll just suffer and keep on dressing. I'm accepting it but I'll probably go thru another guilt purge one of these days, this seems to be the norm for me.

[Jean 103]

Lies and broken promises is what comes to mind. The last time my wife stopped me from purging, we separated shorty after that. My life is so differant now, I have accepted this is who I am, I'm surrounded by friends that love and accept me. I've invested a lot of time to make this come about.

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes Miss. Very well said . Great analogy.

[Staci Roberts]

I disagree with what is posted here. I find that many here find "acceptance" by reading what they want to read and there is a tremendous comfort in that. The analogy to the alcoholic above is interesting. Of course the first step to sobriety is to eliminate the stimuli, then work toward within to understand the behavior. Only if you choose to do so. I purged coming up on 5 months with one "episode" about a month ago. I decided I wanted my life back and not sit and ponder about frilly things every time I had a moment. For awhile there, I was dressing two or three times a week. Do I practice the "one day at a time" theory? You bet. I am an addict. In this case, womens clothing is the stimuli. Is it easy? No. But neither as the constant desire to dress when I had a free moment.
If "purging" is calling you, commit to it and move on.

[Kayliedaskope]

... I liken crossdressing to driving a car with an alignment problem, that makes it pull to one side constantly. As long as we concentrate, we can make the car go wherever we want it to, but it takes constant little corrections, and, over time, it only takes one little moment of inattention, and eventually we wind up veering off to one side again. It's the same with crossdressing; it's only a matter of time until we lose the self control, and wind up veering off into lace land once again.

WIN. All over WIN, right here.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Gillian, I have never purged but I have donated a lot of things that I didn't want anymore that was out of style or size.

Rules for purging !

Rule No.1, Never purge.

Rule No.2, If you feel that you really must purge, See Rule No.1 again. >Orchid......

[Beverley Sims]

I think purging is done as a last resort thing with the person hoping for a new start in life.

Unfortunately the urge to dress seems to come back and even bite you on the bum even harder than before.

As I have said before purging your wardrobe is just a sheer waste of resources.

Bag it up and preserve it... I say. :-)

[stephenie3756]

I did one complete purge in my life. I took all of my stuff, packed it into 6 or 7 large garbage bag and drove it to the dump. 23 years of dresses, heels, etc. For the next 6 years, I had nothing. But still would spend time in the women clothing areas of stores, online websites, etc. Finally, I began to build my collection again, realizing this is who I am and regretting having thrown out my collection 6 years earlier. Now, my collection is 3 times the size it was before. Am I making up for those lost years? I dunno. I got braver shopping for women's clothes. I also found I could get some incredible bargains at thrift stores and clearance racks (I brought 3 pairs of heels at Charlotte Russe for $6.00). So my collection is larger at a lower cost. I agree with what has been said here - purging doesn't solve anything..

[Staci Roberts]

In other words, you fell off the wagon after six years....At least call a spade a spade.
Look, I am not here to evangelize or criticize, but I can say this..If one is considering purging, there is a reason. To continually support "purging does not work" is like saying "AA does not work" for your own selfish reasons. It takes true strength and courage to face a behavioral addiction. Again, not pointing fingers, but my crossdressing is a behavioral addiction, nothing more or less. I have no desire to transform or live as anyone other than who I am. Again, that is me and probably a similar definition for many that feel the need to purge.
If you feel the desire to purge, do so, be strong and take it one day at a time.

[Marie-Jo]

If you feel the desire to purge, be strong, resist and take it one day at a time. It is probably a short lived depression that will fade away. Cross-dressing abstinence may cause severe damages.

[Periwinkle]

I purged once in high school. Up until then I think most people just assumed I was a boyish girl because of the way I look and my feminine mannerisms. For some reason, in high school I got really upset about it. I think it was because I was having trouble making friends with other guys and that bothered me. I really tried to change my image, but I didn't really succeed. Once I did actually have some male friends, I realized that I was more comfortable with my female friends. On top of that, my physical body didn't get too much more masculine. I'm really frail-looking for a guy.

In my last two years there, I really focused on coming to terms with my appearance and my preferences. After that, I started crossdressing again. I don't really regret it too much because any feminine clothing I got rid of back then wouldn't fit me now anyway. I didn't grow a lot, but I grew enough that I would've needed to replace my wardrobe at some point. XD

[Pat]

Again, not pointing fingers, but my crossdressing is a behavioral addiction, nothing more or less. I have no desire to transform or live as anyone other than who I am.

And if that's your truth, then stick with it. We're all finding our way to different destinations -- if that one's yours, then cool. And by all means, tell of your experience because it may resonate with others or it may help others understand your truth doesn't work for them and they can move on. Nobody here has the wisdom to say if you are right or wrong - only you can do that. We are ALL trying to live as who we are.

[Gillian Gigs]

To me, the original thought in this post was based on this thought. That as we increase in the acceptance of ourselves, our desire to purge decreases. I have known alcoholics that have succeeded in sobriety, and also known others who continually relapse. Smoking harms our bodies, alcoholism destroys so much, but depending on the situation CD'ing only harms what is going on between our ears. This is found in self condemnation, shame, self rejection, and the list goes on. One of the golden rules of life says that we are "to love others as we love ourselves". So if we don't love ourselves due to what is going on between our ears, then how can we love others? Could some of the DADT relationships have this within its core? Talking strictly about CD'ing, it's only clothes! I have been seeing a therapist, and one of the issues is for me to move beyond acceptance to embracing who I am. I'm a guy who happens to like wearing lingerie, skirts and hose. Should that really be any different from the guy who likes to wear a cowboy hat, cowboy boots and a big belt buckle? No, it shouldn't.
If we are using CD'ing as some form of self medication, then we have to look within ourselves and ask why. Alcoholism is self medicating, but from what? AA was created to find out why. Many come to this site to find out why they CD, that's okay with me, and acceptance is one of the first steps to loving yourself and others!

[CONSUELO]

Long long ago I purged my small collection of clothing. Like everyone else here it was only a short while before I wanted desperately to dress up again and of course I had to buy or find new outfits. When I purged the discarding of clothing was just symbolic of an attempt to reject and deny my true self. It failed as it always will. You cannot change what you are by just discarding the trappings. Since then I have come to understand and accept that being a fetishistic transvestite is an important and integral part of who I am and even the thought of purging is repugnant to me.

A friend of mine recently decided to give away all of his female clothing and stop being a cross dresser. He wanted to give the clothing to me. I told him that his purge would not change him and it would only be a matter of time before he would be regretting giving his feminine things away. I would have been happy to take the clothing and look after it for him. Interestingly he has not raised the topic again.

While I don't equate cross dressing with alcoholism the parallel is that tossing out the liquor does not change the alcoholic. Joining AA or some similar recovery program might but the repeated trope of stories is the drunk making a big symbolic but ultimately empty gesture, only to be back on the bottle just months later

[Staci Roberts]

To me, the original thought in this post was based on this thought. That as we increase in the acceptance of ourselves, our desire to purge decreases. I have known alcoholics that have succeeded in sobriety, and also known others who continually relapse. Smoking harms our bodies, alcoholism destroys so much, but depending on the situation CD'ing only harms what is going on between our ears. This is found in self condemnation, shame, self rejection, and the list goes on. One of the golden rules of life says that we are "to love others as we love ourselves". So if we don't love ourselves due to what is going on between our ears, then how can we love others? Could some of the DADT relationships have this within its core? Talking strictly about CD'ing, it's only clothes! I have been seeing a therapist, and one of the issues is for me to move beyond acceptance to embracing who I am. I'm a guy who happens to like wearing lingerie, skirts and hose. Should that really be any different from the guy who likes to wear a cowboy hat, cowboy boots and a big belt buckle? No, it shouldn't.
If we are using CD'ing as some form of self medication, then we have to look within ourselves and ask why. Alcoholism is self medicating, but from what? AA was created to find out why. Many come to this site to find out why they CD, that's okay with me, and acceptance is one of the first steps to loving yourself and others!

Well stated. Again, as someone posted above, we are all on our own paths to self love & acceptance. Why i see my dressing as an addiction i.e. a behavior I have no control over...Simply stated....I am a bit of a wine enthusiast. I have a pretty decent cellar in my home with an ample selection of wines. I enjoy a nice glass of wine (or two) 2 or 3 nights a week. I don't think about that glass of wine, nor do I sit and ponder about the wines in the cellar on a hourly or daily basis. I don't go off into a fantasy world at work thinking about those wines, nor do I sneak down to the cellar and crack a bottle when no one is looking. In other words, I have control over my appreciation for wines. The same is NOT true with my dressing. The behavior controls me. If I could have a stash of clothing and treat it like my wines, I would not be writing this, but I cannot.
Again, to state my previous point, I do not know where or if I fall into the TG spectrum. I do not feel, act or desire to be a woman, I just enjoy wearing women's clothing as a tremendous release of anxiety.
I keep whittling away at this because if there is just one reader that feels as I do and wants an ounce of encouragement to purge , by all means be strong, don't listen to "it does not work" and make it happen.