Questioning myself

[Scarlett1975]

So after the last few days I've been asking myself who am I? What am I? My dressing really centres me and makes me want more within the constraints of life. I was speaking with my wife about going to gender therapist and turns out she would like to talk t one about it all too which I think is great. I guess my questions are if left in restrained how far will this go? Honestly I'd dearly love to live as Scarlett 24/7 but it just isn't practical for me at the moment. I'm having to cut back on talking about it with my wife as I see she's a little uneasy at times, I guess she's dealing with her own issues in relation to my dressing.i wish for her sake it's just a sexual thing that umi could turn off but both my wife and I don't feel that's the case. I'm sure it's only a matter of time until someone in extended family notices some of my subtle changes and that's fine once I'm sure what I am and how far this is going? Is this normal for us girls to feel this way from time to time?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Scarlett, Trying to figure our self's out can really be mind boggling sometimes.>orchid......

[Rayleen]

when trying to change over to be a female, wonder if in the wife's mind, if she fells like a lesbian .its hard to figure out what wife mind,while you never been there before. Yes its sure mind boggling.

[lorisdream]

Hi Scarlett - My wife's therapists knows I am transgendered. We both have been in a few sessions together. I think it does help clear the air so to speak. I do understand the practicality of living as we please. My personal plan is a slow transition until retirement. My wife seems fine with me coming out. I think most of our family knows about me anyway. So to answer your question; yes I do think your thoughts are normal. Figure out where you want to be at the end of the day.

[Pat]

Trans couple's counseling is a great idea. If you're going to proceed as a couple it makes sense to get a couple-centered view of what's going on. Finding one might seem like a challenge but if you can find a really good, experienced trans counselor there's a high probability that they also do couples. As to how far will it go? It goes until you stop or until you get to the place you need to be.

[Aunt Kelly]

As usual, I can add almost nothing one of Pat's replies.
Counseling will help you answer that "remaining question". It will also make dealing with the answers, whatever they may be, easier for you to handle as a couple. Beyond that, I would not care to speculate, but you seem to be taking the right approach.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Fiona123]

I have been seeing a gender therapist 4 a few months now. She is very supportive and has been encouraging my dressing. I am trying to figure out just how far out of the closet I need to be. It truly is mind-boggling.

[Scarlett1975]

My wife is concerned a therapist will "encourage" me to go further. She's OK with me dressing but she's also wondering how long till she can fully understand and I guess accept it fully. Sometimes I wonder if it's a mid life crisis as its often all I think or talk about with her . I suggested I can stop taking about it but then i feel I'm not being honest. Yesterday I went to a op shop tried on many pairs of women's jeans, heels and searched through the dresses in a full shop and I felt amazing and it's polar opposite if I was to buy men's clothes I get in and get out. She's amazing to put up with what she does, she married a man not whatever I am. We've discussed full transition and she is not OK with it and I guess that's where's the therapist needs to help us. Is that really a path possible for me? Or is this all some kinda sexy game? Can I stop this train? I understand why she doesn't want me to be encouraged really but I feel it's the logical next step to discover "what" I am.

[Teresa]

Scarlett,
It's a long road and these questions don't stop for some time , it does make the situation more difficult to find ourselves when we are trying to protect others . The problem is we don't know what we are trying to protect them from. We may be able to answer the question of being gay or not but how much do we need to transition is a far harder question to answer . Some say we must be totally up front and honest but when we don't know all the truth ourselves makes it difficult , we find we are possibly making promises we can't keep and enter a DADT situation with often turns out to be a short term compromise .
It's good counselling is on the cards and better still that your wife will go along with it, it possibly braver on her behalf because she may be the biggest loser depending on the outcome . Believe me it's not easy when your wife doesn't want to know , counselling can only go so far before you hit a brick wall which is hard to work round .

You need to know what your CDing truly means to you, you then need to accept it, without the feelings of guilt and shame, hopefully your wife can then come to terms with it but remember most women don't have this trait so she'll never fully understand it . From there you can decide how much you need to be out to express your CDing so the choice of who needs to know has to be made . The more open and honest you can be the less CDing is a problem , to get to the point of feeling comfortable and natural , removes many of the stigmas , it's surprising that many of the problems are inside your head , people really aren't that bothered.

To take your last comment, very often it appears it's all we want to talk about, the problem is it's a huge revelation to us , accepting all this is life changing , our World has been turned upside down .

I personally have found a social group is good way of coming to terms with it, meeting others is a great help , you're not alone so it's a great comfort. The need to buy clothes has a meaning and the items you wear are selected for a reason , if you want to dress then you find you have to think about the whole presentation .

[Scarlett1975]

Thanks Teresa, funny you mention the battle within ones head, my wife has expressed the same thing that some things she thinks are a result of up bringing it just an issue inside herself. She feels I only think about myself and when I calmy explained myself and how she is 'always" put first she agreed the feeling was wrong and not really true but still there. I feel bad putting her through this really she doesn't deserve it. I've offered to stop dressing and go back to my depressed self but she doesn't want that either, so it's going to be interesting where this goes as one thing is for sure I will not lose her she's worth too much to me

[phili]

Hi Scarlett,
-It is good your wife is willing to talk and has some equanimity about it all- that is huge!
-Feeling like this is all we want to talk about is because we didn't talk about it our whole lives and there is a lot to say and discover and it seems like obsession to others- which I think is right-and for the normal reason obsessions occur- we haven't got a real sense of the balanced reality. That said, I turned to journaling every night before sleeping, so I could talk, but not occupy all the conversation space with my wife. That has helped me progress without burdening her and interfering with the quality [in her mind] of the time we do have to chat.
-I would have said once that I would want to transition if it was manageable, since I felt such a deficit and so trapped all I wanted was out. I later discovered as I let myself experience the woman's world, that I didn't want to switch, I just identified a lot, and wanted to share in the good things girls have.
-Our identities are constructed over time and incorporate our relationships, so 'what we are' is partly core stuff and partly what we want in life given the cost/benefit. I have found that accepting myself and letting myself feel fully means finally having enough of what I need, as opposed to what I want- so that relaxes the desperation and makes it much easier to take a longer view and make compromises, like we do with so many things.
-As a result I am now becoming aware my wife's life is also a patchwork of thousands of dreams, needs, feelings, preferences, and I do care about helping her fulfill them.
-In a very real sense this revelation of being a crossdresser is for our wives like finding out we have a dread disease that dissolves our previously stable and reliable identity as the man in her life who she found/won/earned, and built her life around.
-I can see that is terrifying for my wife, and she has the option of disowning me if I am not appropriately caring about just how difficult this is for her. I think it probably is the mirror image of the pain we feel keeping our inner desires hidden and unknown.
-Overlaid over all this are the differential changes with age for us- sex drive or pleasure in it, health or pain issues, emergence of other concerns as the end of life appears on the horizon
-I'm glad to be forced to practice patience, communicate differently, and more cautiously try out new ideas
-My watchword now is win/win, and more care in understanding how she feels before I act, contemplating what I would want me to do if I was her.
-I wish it was easier for me and for all of us. Letting myself say so makes me feel better.

[Tracii G]

Its good your wife realizes the dressing thing is part of who you are.
How far will it go? Thats totally up to you it will go as far as you let it. You are doing it right now by slowing down and taking a breath and wondering.
Some venture into things and go too far too fast is that what you have done with all this? Think about it.
I think you both seeing a gender specialist together is the best thing you could do at this point.

[Alice Torn]

This thing we have can really take over ones whole life really quickly. The pink fog becomes a hurricane so quickly! I am questioning why i have let it totally dominate the last week. I actually went out in public for three hours in a college city 40 miles from here, Friday, and teh fog has not lifted yet. I feel like being with a gentleman when i am dolled up, but never as a guy. I need to get some balance too. Phili a very well said posting!

[DMichele]

Scarlett,

As others have said, gender therapy for you and your wife is beneficial. Brava to your wife for being open to discuss the subject and her concerns and fears.

Until I allowed the trials, tribulations, experiences, etc. of this board's members steep in my mind, fear of what others would think or do was a root cause for not being my authentic self. Today thanks to many here, I am comfortable and ever evolving.

Best of luck!

[Lana Mae]

It is wonderful that your wife wants to go to the therapist also! Couple therapy is probably the way to go! Pat's answer is spot on and I totally agree with Pat! Hugs Lana Mae

[Scarlett1975]

Thank you so much for the replies girls, I will focus now on trying to find a good gender therapist as they seem to be a bit thin on the ground where I live. Thanks again