But, maybe you would

[CarlaWestin]

I've read a lot of posts that describe a confused beginning to crossdressing complete with denial and self doubt. Then a full self acceptance, then the painful disclosure to spouse hoping that all the deceit and the gender exploring itself will be forgiven and accepted. And the whole time you tell yourself that you have no desire to ever transition. In a situation of DADT you finally have it all although, it's not perfect. But, such is life.

So, I've just described my personal situation. But, there's something else going on. The thought of hormonal adjustments to feminize are very strong. There's something going on that I have a desire to naturally enlarge my breasts and thighs to create a more predominately female body image. Who knows? If I were single and retired, would I go down this path? Would a gender therapist pick-up on my true view of myself is that of both genders? Or, am I a person that remains portraying their birth gender due to socially contrived obstacles?

[Rachael Leigh]

Carla interesting you should post this. I've been thinking of posting something about my path and journey that is a sad tale
in many ways.
I can say whatever anyone does about their gender issues be sure you understand about all that will entail if you are coming out or going full time or whatever it is. This is not an easy life make sure you understand the sacrifices
Rachael

[sarah_hillcrest]

Yes, exactly what I've been thinking. I played the lottery when that big stupid game was like 500 million or whatever. I never played the lottery. One of the things that went through my head when I bought the ticket was, if I win this I'll transition to female. It was just a silly fantasy, but still...

[ShelbyDawn]

Carla,

You are not alone. I think often about the possibility of feminizing my body just a bit, hips, breasts, not full transitioning as I like me as I am and would make a really ugly girl, anyway... 😀
I honestly think if I did win the lottery, I would get small breast enhancement to maybe a b cup but ya gotta buy a ticket...


Just wanted you to know you are not the only one in that particular area of this very large and diverse boat.

[Tracii G]

Carla I have thought of this for years and even had an appt to do fat transfer surgery to my hips thighs and butt and later breast aug.
The plastic surgeon backed out with a bogus excuse IMO but here I am no closer to having my body match my inner being so I am stuck with nowhere to go but continue being half and half.
Can I live this way you may ask? Well I have no choice at this point.
Try not to dwell on it too much just live your life the best you can.

[Aunt Kelly]

Yet another perspective for you, Carla. Not saying that it will be the least bit useful, but feel free to add it to the pile to pick through as you look for answers.
I have a spouse that has always been supportive of my CD'ing, even to the point of stating that she hopes she could continue to be so if I ever decided that it was "more" than that. So, for me, that threat to domestic circumstances is somewhat less of a barrier. Still a risk, but not the certain disaster it might be for many of us. And yes, I have felt the same desires you describe. It comes and goes, but when it's there, it's very clear - I'd prefer more feminine physical attributes. My male body doesn't cause me distress, even at those times, so there's not that overwhelming need that our truly TS sisters have, but there's no denying the desire. I may pursue counseling to sort that out, or I may not. It depends on where it (the desire) goes from here. I have learned patience, over the years, so I can indulge in a wait-and-see period, for a while at least. If I find myself needing to make a decision to change, the first stop will be counseling to get help to sort it out.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Fiona123]

Carla your first paragraph described me pretty well. I am conflicted. I'm not sure about hormones and can't ever imagine surgery. Transition though is not out of the question, I have long way to go.

[ginapoodle]

Carla,

Yes, I have had similar thoughts for decades. I believe that given no limits that I would remain non-binary. However, my expression would be much more gender mixed and fluid: back and forth as my mood shifted. I am convinced I am not TS, but yeah I would love to wear gorgeous nails all the time.

I have had the thought of moving out of the Houston, TX area to a much more accepting, relaxed culture. Someplace like Portland, OR. Wife makes the "rules" on where we live, for now. Before that, the "oil executives" made the rules. Some day I might break those rules, I will know the right time and place.

It is a sine curve...blessings on your journey.

[Teresa]

Carla,
That is my situation and something I still need to answer, that is one of the reasons why I'm separating from my wife . I do believe we need to give ourselves this space if we are in a DADT situation . If I go onto dress full time it will also provide answers to the question of contrived social obstacles possibly standing in the way .

The hormones question isn't as important , if we go out looking like females the general public aren't aware of how we achieve it , that is a problem we carry in our own minds . They don't relate to our situation with transition , to them we still show male traits wearing women's clothes the why's and wherefores are the confusing part to them .

[Beverley Sims]

If I knew as much as I knew now I would have transitioned in a blip at twenty.

I was already on hormones and had nubby breasts and enlarged aureolas but I was taken off the hormones and lost most of my advantage.

I was also worried about impotence and getting married.

At least the marriage still works well, I dress most of the time and my thoughts are about a return to the status quo.

[docrobbysherry]

I dithered about this for 10 years after I first began dressing at age 50, Carla. Wanting breasts and fantasized about SRS. Pointlessly, took cheesy herbs and used suction devices to increase my zero breast size.

Then, I bought my female suit. Within a week, all desires and thots of breasts and becoming female disappeared! I was quite lucky. I simply wanted to see myself as female. And, not necessarily be one!
Now, I can see myself as a female whenever I like!

69861.jpg

[sometimes_miss]

It takes far more than just wanting desperately to be a woman, than to actually BEING one. Many of us harbor stronger desires than we either admit or know about. We are made to feel that it's such an awful thing, that I suppose a huge percentage who would really like to transition (based on exactly what you wrote, folks that keep wanting more) simply cannot resolve the shame and guilt that admitting it would cause. So we stay as we are, never even dare consider the 'worst'. And that's where it stays. The underlying desire to be female remains there, always just under the surface, and we hope we can continue to pretend that it's not there. I think that many DO manage to keep the desire under control, perhaps with the occasional crossdressing and pretending to ourselves that we're pretty, normal women. And after we've satisfied the urge, we put it back in the box until another day.

There is still the matter of who we actually are. The vast majority of crossdressers and even tg/ts, even though they experience huge gender dysphoria, seem to continue to see the world through a man's eyes. I don't know if this is genetic, or a hormonal cause. But it seems to me that whenever I'm with a mtf ts, it's pretty clear that the male is still in there somewhere. Despite the great effort to talk, walk, move, behave and dress female, there's still that inherent male still there. I've read a huge number of books which describe the differences between how men and women speak, communicate, and experience things. If anyone doubts it, try starting with the books by Alan and Barbara Pease. Then go on to the references they put in their bibliographies. It will describe many things that we tend to ignore, because we don't know about them.

So maybe instead of just running headlong into the transition barrier, it's time to first see just whether we're inherently female or not, or just how far we deviate from basic male and basic female ways of thinking and behaving.

[VS Fan]

Sometimes has it captured for me... I *WISH* I was a real woman... but I know i'm not one. I'm just a guy who has all these feelings I have to deal with. So transitioning isn't going to happen for me.... even though I love the fantasy of it.

[JeanTG]

Practically-speaking, if you are married and still sexually active, hormone treatments to feminize may play havoc with that. YMMV but impotence and loss of libido are common side-effects of MtF hormone regimens. If you are not sexually active, well, there are a whole lot of other personal and relational considerations to think about, and the unintended consequences of them. Even if not sexually active, a wife may still want a *man* as her husband.

Although I fantasize a lot, I know that at my age transition will never happen. I don't want to become fully a woman, but I do want to become more feminine, but that will have to stay at a very superficial level (clothes, body hair, makeup, breast forms, etc.). I am worse than DADT at the moment. I'm at the IYEDAIWDY stage (If You Ever Dress Again I Will Divorce You), so I have to be EXTRA careful.

[deebra]

Carla, you look really hot in your avatar pic at 61 but nothing else about yourself. If you dress and go out as a female can you pass or blend. If you can't breasts will be hard to conceal. If yes then try hormones and see if you like the results, you can all ways quit and your body will go back to male. At 61 don't expect a C cup, if you started at 17 yes to a C or small D and hips. A small waist with diet, exercise and some plastic surgery lipo suction. IOW 44 years ago you could have started on a killer female body and spent $35,000 more a very nice female face. Day late/ Dollar short or just born to late. At 61 silicone breast forms, sorry.

[Adelaide]

I've been wanting to transition (pre-op TS) for decades. I sure wish I had known that what that I was feeling as a teenager was normal....but that pre-internet time did not allow me to investigate & realize that what I was feeling was totally normal. Now, I've been married to the same unsupporting woman for 35 years. I thought of leaving her to be who I really am in 2010....but she was diagnozed with breast cancer, level 3.....no time to be selfish when when she needed me. She still needs my support today....and I have to continue being the "unhappy" me. However, I started being more feminine a little bit at a time......letting my hair grow long 6 years ago (it almost reaches waist length right now) and started laser therapy to remove by beard 2 years ago. Little steps....but big steps for me!

Yes, I would strongly recommend that you see a gender therapist. My sessions with a gender therapist (she also is a psychologist) confirmed I was really a woman and provided me with inner peace. I feel so much better even if I cannot "physically" be who I really am....