Time for Marraige Counseling - Really?

[nikki2014]

My wife and I have had a lot of family issues within this last year. To make a long story short her ex husband, to whom she was only married to for two years and had a child with, finally decided to move closer to us to be with his son, of which I have no problems with. Now she and I have been married almost 14 years in January. The problem arose when this guy had no place to stay, no job lined up, and not even a single plan in place before departing. What made things even worse was when her parents decided to let the guy move in and live with them. He stayed with them for about 3 months before moving out on his own. Now a little over a year later, because of him moving here and and her parents taking in this guy and supporting this guy like he's been part of the family forever, mind you that this guy has seen his son less than a handful of times over the 14 years we've been married, the relationship between her parents and I have gone from really great to non-existent. Well now they have decided to move several states away from us and one of the main reasons they have stated they are moving is because they and I can't get along. And oh by the way when her parents move the Ex is moving in there. So that's issue #1.

Issue #2 is that the relationship between my step-son and I have always been rocky. I have never treated him any different than my own kids as I've always seen him as one of my own since I've raised him since he was 2. But I've become the bad guy over the last several years because he's done things that I don't support or agree on and I've tried to discipline him. Things like failing grades, excessive time on the phone doing unknown (aka youtube, snapchat), staying up late hours, and lack of study habits, etc. Now I know some of those are typical teenage things but when they interfere with grades and other things I put my foot down. When I do so he usually runs to the grandparents and whine to them about what I've done and then they give him what he wants. He truly is not a bad kid and stays out of trouble and I discipline him with or try to with limiting his phone and or electronic usage and/or also make him study. But the problem comes down to when I try and discipline him and what he does afterwards and runs to his grandparents. That's issue #2

So then we talk about issue #3. My wife knows I cross dress. She knows I have clothes and shoes and make-up and nail polish etc. She has only seen me try on a pair of women's shorts once but has never seen anything else. Not even seen my toes painted, pictures of me dressed up or anything. I have simply told her and nothing else. At times she has been ok with it and other times she has a hard time with it. And at other times it's not even a concern.

I know things have been stressful for her because she works a lot of hours, having to deal with her parents, having to deal with a family at home, etc. We live a life just like everyone else does. I've asked her a few times if she loves me and her response has been pretty questionable. So I was getting ready to leave and said I love you and she said I love you too. I asked are you sure and she says yes and then she proceeds to follow it with we need to go see marriage counseling. I said ok for what? She said the relationship between you and my parents is broken and I can't deal with it and I'm having a hard time with you because of it and one of the main reasons their moving is because of you. She continues to say that the relationship between you and (kids name goes here) has really been strained as well too and I can't handle that either. Plus you and all the women's clothing and dressing I've had enough and I can't take it.

So here are my thoughts, I've spoken to some of my really good friends and mutual friends about everything that has gone on over the last year and a half and they are just floored by the things that have gone on. A lot of them say I have a lot more understanding and patience then they. I've explained the whole story to them (I'm giving you some cliff notes here) and have held nothing back. I have not met one person or spoken to anyone that says hey dude you need to back off or you need to get a grip cause you're all jacked up. They're like your in laws sound like a piece of work. No one has said I'm in the wrong and I'd be the first to admit if I was wrong and I'd be more than happy to take blame. But none of this is my fault. And then her to throw in the "I cna't handle you and dressing with all the clothes", my response has been and will be, who am I hurting? No one. I don't gamble, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't abuse you or the kids, I'm a well respected member in our community, I can hang drywall, cut a tree down, sew, build things, draw things and be creative and I can do it all with my hands dirty and greasy and even with a skirt and high heels on. But it doesn't make me any less of a man or person.

I see a lot of posts people put here with "we had to go to the counselor" and most follow up with the counselor says ok and? And a lot of you post here any good counselor would just say that's not really an issue if you want to call it that it's more of what else is going on that's more important. I'm all for going to a counselor and telling them me dressing is not that big of a deal and once again who is it hurting but more importantly is what a f-ed up set of in-laws I have.

I know of said a lot here and if you get this far reading thanks for reading. I apologize for it being so long as I had no intention of it being more than a paragraph. Any thoughts, comments, or feedback is greatly appreciated and thanks in advance.

Nikki

[aprilgirl]

Nikki,

I do find it odd that your in-laws had your spouse's ex move in after all those years. What were the circumstances of the short marriage and divorce? Seeing his son only a few times over fourteen years comes across as more than just an absentee parent. Did he provide child support? Regardless, you're better off that your in-laws are moving away, and hopefully your wife will realize that too. They essentially were enabling their grandson, and undermining everything you were rightfully doing, as any responsible parent would. Were you and your wife on the same page when it came to disciplining him?

Issue three seems like a bunch of smoke on her end, as apparently your dressing hasn't been that big of an issue for her in the past. It goes deeper than that and the first two issues you listed, in my opinion, and hopefully through counseling you'll get an answer. Kim

[Micki_Finn]

I) as far as the ex it sounds like you have more issues with him than may be warranted. Ok maybe he wasn’t a present dad in the past. Maybe he couldn’t be there. Maybe he’s changed. It’s a little weird that he moved in with the ex in-laws, but he didn’t overstay his welcome, he got out in 3 months which seems reasonable to me. And if he’s still on good terms with them, he obviously didn’t abuse the situation.

II) Doesn’t matter how long you’ve raised the kid, or how strongly you feel for him, he’s not your son, and your discipline isn’t going to be effective. Where is his mom in all this? Does she support your discipline? If it’s not coming from his mom he’s not going to listen.

III) Maybe counseling will do you some good. I don’t mean to be disparaging, but when your problems break down to the point where you’d rather talk to your friends so they can tell you you’re right than talk to your wife and fix the problems, you’ve started down the wrong path.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Nikki;

That's a lot on your plate.

Counseling and therapists can be a great help if you find a competent one. The one question the good ones will ask you from the beginning is "What do you expect to get out of counseling ?". Think about a list of goals you want to accomplish and the therapist job is to help you and your wife accomplish those goals. It does mean compromise and sometime hearing things that will surprise you.

If you go expecting everyone else to change then its not going to work on the other hand if you go and get dumped on it wont work either.

[VS Fan]

Going to a counselor might at least get her to air things out... things that she might not otherwise tell you. The "I can't handle [the dressing]" comment, when it's largely ignored day to day, could mean there's more there, or it could be just an "excuse". It would be nice to know - if only just so you know the truth of things. If you have other kids with her, that complicates things, but I agree with your friends that the in-law situation is messed up. And moving because of *you*? That's insane. So they give up seeing their daughter, and their grand-kids because they don't get along with *you*? All I can say is that you owe it to yourself to get to the bottom of this. Best of luck

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Nikki, Good luck with this one, You are going to need it.>Orchid......

[lingerieLiz]

A good counselor can help in a lot of ways. Unfortunately my wife and I were stuck with one that had a bad bias against men. We were headed for divorce until we sat down one afternoon and had a straight talk about what we wanted. Turned out she was pushing divorce to both of us. Neither of us wanted a divorce. The whole reason for ever going to see her was to talk about helping our daughter if my wife died. We fired her, my wife lived and we soon found other couples that she had done the same thing to.

[Danielle001]

I came out to my wife about my CDing 4 months before we got married in 2010. It did not go well at first. She was constantly upset about it and I was constantly in defense mode. I realized that we were just talking in circles and not getting anywhere. I pretty much hit rock bottom with no one to turn to. We had a previously wonderful relationship, but this revelation turned everything upside down. I thought I might lose her for good, so I reached out to a couples therapist. It definitely helped. Just being able to talk through things and have it moderated by a 3rd party was helpful. After going to something like 8 or 10 sessions, we got to a point that the CDing issue was neutralized and I was no longer in fear of losing her. We moved forward with the wedding and had a wonderful time. The CDing issue continued to stir up drama after marriage, but it became less and less common as more time passed. We went through several years of essentially "don't ask, don't tell". But now we are incredibly to a point where my wife is very much supportive and involved in Danielle's life. We talk about it all the time. She's seen me dressed and we even go out on occasion. We shop together and even borrow each others clothes. So there is hope!

It sounds to me like your CDing might not be the main cause of your wife wanting to see a therapist. It sounds like she's just throwing the CDing issue in your face due to other underlying issues. While there's no saying whether or not therapy will work for you the same way it worked for me, it might be worth a shot. You situation seems a little more complex than mine was. I wish you the best of luck!

[Rachelakld]

My thoughts - the boys life will go where it goes, with or without grades, so as my wife tells me - let mum do the disciplining and you just work on your relationships (step parents shouldn't really get involved, let the real parents do the disciplining)
I nearly wrecked it with my oldest step daughter, so did what wife said, and just stood by daughter when she needed help, now I have a better relationship than her bio-father has.

Your wife should have told her parents that taking in her Ex was way wrong, and that she should have supported your point of view in that relationship.

Best of luck.

[SaraLin]

Nikki,

It sounds to me like your wife's parents are doing everything in their power to get her back together with her first husband.
Think about it, they:
don't like you - for whatever reason.
welcome the ex back to their home so he can be close to her
encourage the son's rebellion against you
seem to openly speak ill of you to your wife.

The sad part is that it also sounds like she's beginning to reconsider which one she wants to be with.

I'd suggest that yes, the two of you get into therapy - PRONTO! If something isn't done, and sooner rather than later, the poison in your marriage will spread until there is no saving it.

and no, your dressing isn't the problem, it's merely ammunition that she will use against you when she finally makes her choice to leave. That she is bringing it up now says that she's getting close to the "I'm outta here" point.

[nikki2014]

I wanted to reply to a few of the replies. First of thanks to all of you that replied.

The in-laws are not trying to get the two back together. From the day my wife and I met they have always talked bad about him and the things he did or did not do over the years. We all see it and my wife even agrees with the things. For example they guy hasn't had a job in years. He's been here for a year and a half and still hasn't a job. They guy didn't even have a drivers license and his had expired for at least 5 years and it wasn't until the mother in law helped him get his license. The guy doesn't have a SS card, drove around on and expired tags, and no insurance for at least as long as he's lived here. This was one of the main reasons I objected for the in laws to take him in cause he had no plan. I saw the excess baggage coming. In addition to that my in laws have had 5 other family memebers move in with them over time (3 of them since we've been married), and all of them ended in a very bad relationship with one another. To this day only one has mended their feelings. So I saw this coming when the in laws agreed to have him move in as well. The problem with my mother in law is that no one has really put their foot down and stood up to her except myself. Most others just ran and have yet to solve any of those issues. I am protecting my family and looking out for them and I put my foot down and said no I'm not putting up with this nonsense. So the relation between them and I have been broken since and will likely no mend itself. They are moving for other reasons as well but they've pointed the finger at me for someone to blame. This same instance happened last year when they threatened to move. My wife was so upset she asked I go and apologize to them. I sucked up my pride when I had nothing to do with it although they blamed me again. Day after I apologized everything was happy as can be. My MIL is notorious for doing things like this over and over. When she loses control she does things like this.

My wife is also upset because she realizes and knows that when her parents move back and her ex is still there that they wont be able to get him out cause he has nowhere else to go and has no money to get a place on his own.

I've accepted the fact the my step son is just that. As we have a large blended family I realize the step parent always takes the backseat. Don't get me wrong my step son very much respects me and I respect him. I think that my wife is upset because my relationship with him is nothing like what it is with my own kids nor our kids we have together.

Nikki

[LeannS]

Nikki Boy reading this brings back all sorts of memories.
Do you have children with your her?? I do hope you don't.
Seems like she has one foot out the door already sorry to say. I must say you have some very nice in laws that would let an ex back into your lives.
Step kids can be a hand full and he has found that grandma will comfort him and undo everything you hope to correct.
You have real problems and hopefully a marriage counselor might help as far as the ln laws moving give them a helping hands to get the hell away.
Nikki this is just my 2 cents here but please keep us in the loop we are here to listen good luck

Leann

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boy reading what you just wrote reminds me of My 2nd wifes ex peach of a guy oh and my ex mil sounds like they could have been sisters. 20 years was enough and I left

[Stephanie47]

You have several issues going on at the same time which is really stressful. One would be sufficient to cause angst, but, three?

I don't know if your wife is on board with restrictions you place on your step son. From what you describe the infractions and limitations imposed seem to be just plain normal stuff. Running off to grandma and grandpa to get what he wants would undermine the parental authority of you and your wife.

If you in-laws are going to run off because they cannot deal with their free loading boarder, that's on them. Blaming you is BS. They just cannot own up to their mistake of taking him in and don't have the balls to kick me out. Of course, your wife is losing her parents and needs to blame you.

I suspect the cross dressing issue is nothing more than smoke to hide other issues. It's the old "woe is me, I'm married to a man who wears women's clothing." Sounds like playing the "victim card." She may not be a fan of cross dressing, but, she does not need to make it an issue if it is not an issue.

If you've been married for 14 years and you have been caring for him since the age of 2 that should make him at least 16. He's old enough to make a choice. Let him go live with his grandparents and father. Maybe he'll see the grass is not so green over there. My wife and I have always 'spoiled' our granddaughter, but, have never interfered with their parental authority. Your wife needs to be supportive and united with you when it comes to dealing with her son.

You should ask your wife why she is throwing in the cross dressing issue. Maybe there is something she needs to say and should have said it a long time ago. I would not permit it to become "the issue," when the real issue is the other family dynamics.

[Littleg2]

nikki,

First of all, I'm sorry that you are going through all of this, one of those issues would be stressful enough on it's own, the combination of it all seems like a very heavy burden.

I would like to offer my opinion (from a gg perspective), that although there never seemed to be any issues surrounding your cd'ing, how little your wife has seen (or accepted?) leads me to think that it may, in fact, be a bigger issue for her than you realize. This of course is only my opinion. The fact that she seemed to throw this on the pile of issues and seems to now be putting her foot down about it also make it seem that way. Not as though she's using it as "smoke", as others have suggested, but I think it's the other way around (?). She may be using these other issues as the "smoke" for her issues with your cd'ing. Making them into bigger issues than they should be. (sorry for the redundancy)

Do her parents know, that you know of? Is it likely that she told them in a negative way, which could explain their recent feelings and actions towards you (supporting their daughter?), and why they would question and undermined your parenting?

When you bring up the questioning of her love towards you, even when she tells you she does, why is that? Has it been something you felt before she brought up the suggestion of counseling, or after? I would think it would be a good sign that she suggested it at all, and not just left.

Obviously, there are issues other than your crossdressing, that may or may not be intertwined. Maybe she needs a safe space and place, with the help of someone else, to express her true feelings about it all.

If I were you, and again this is only my opinion, I wouldn't question her love for you. I would put it as a "I know you love me, I love you and I hope we can work through these issues together. (if you want to support her idea) I would be willing to go to counseling with you to work on our marriage.". Until that day comes, I wouldn't ask her one way or the other, unless you feel comfortable in doing so, or she might just become unreasonable and/or defensive.

I wish you all the best and hope things get better for you and your wife, and your family all around.

-g

[Maria 60]

Wow! I know I'm only hearing one side of the story, but the way I see it sounds like your inlaws are a real piece of work. Most likely they let him back in because every parent would love to see a family reunited, but like I said I'm only hearing one side of the story.
I can say the same about my mother, my sister divorced 15 to 20 years ago and they have both moved on, but one person didn't, my mom. She will still till today do anything to see them back together, even threaten to move far away.
I step in all the time and tell her to mind her own business but you can't beat that old school mentality.
I'm not in your shoes but I would call the inlaws and say have a happy life. BYE BYE. But that's just me.
Well the way I see it, things were fine before the ex moved closer, maybe the inlaws should stay where they are and he should move far away.

[giuseppina]

Hi Nikki

While I am not a licensed counsellor, I see more than enough issues that some appointments with a qualified and licensed counsellor is a good idea.