Can you survive as a MIAD (man in a dress) after being passable?

[ClosetED]

My wife had me print out divorce papers and she signed them. I collected the financial data needed. So definitely on the brink of divorce. yet I slept in basement one night alone and the next she came down and asked me to return to our bedroom to sleep. The night before she went to dance class alone, then the next she asked me to join her. She had me print out pictures of Ellen and taped them over bedroom to remind her of why she wanted to go ahead with divorce. Now she is proposing she MAY be OK with me dressing, but only if I keep facial hair, so instead of being so pretty, I will be a MIAD. I know several here are fine with that. But after doing so well with makeup and being overjoyed at the results, can I be satisfied with clothes and shoes and wig? So I ask this vast collection of experiences - has anyone tried this step back and did it last?
I want to be honest with her - I did tell her that experience says I can never give up the desire to dress, and the action of dressing is very hard to stop.
Thanks for any input,
Ellen

[Joni T]

It depends on whether you want a wife or a divorce. I'd go with the first choice (I've had choice 2 twice).
Jon

[ChubbyLeahCD]

Agree with Joni. I love being Leah but if I ever feel it’s risky to come out to my wife, I’ll stay closeted forever. My wife and family are my world

[Kayliedaskope]

Go with the second choice - you will have your freedom to dress as you please.

[Teresa]

ClosetED,
I'm on the brink of a separation , and I'm half expecting this to happen when we finally move into our new homes. No I personally wouldn't step back , I'm hoping to dress full time there's no way I would step back and accept MIAD, that is the current situation at home for me at the moment and I want to escape it, even though my wife has never seen me dressed . For me I'm done with compromises that get you no where .
We are going to remain friends and will still take holidays together but she knows the score when I'm in my own home .

[Joni T]

You can't stay closeted forEVER. Sooner or later she'll find out--you'll inadvertently or absent mindedly leave something out or you won't get ALL of the makeup off and she'll see it. You'll be busted. There's no better time than right NOW to come clean to your lady. You can thank or curse me later.
Jon

[Rachael Leigh]

Ellen when my wife and I separated I thought to myself this was my chance could I stop and hold back this part of me and
be a man for my wife. Well after just a week I knew the answer, this was me a trans women and I could not go back as
I do believe it would harm me mentally. It's difficult yes my marriage lasted 35 years but I no longer could hide myself
I hope you can figure out what's best for you
Rachael

[Vickie_CDTV]

I'd focus on saving your marriage, especially if you have children.

[Majella St Gerard]

I wouldn't go back to being a man in a dress, she sounds controlling, manipulating and cruel, do you want to live under her rules and threats or do you want to be you? only you can decide.

p.s
marriage is overrated anyway

[Joni T]

I don't see cruel or manipulating. I sense a real woman who wants the MAN she married back in her life.
Jon

[Rayleen]

I would not leave my wife, I go for #1, but if I became single again,it would not be a MIAD no more. good luck Ellen .

[Micki_Finn]

I don't see cruel or manipulating. I sense a real woman who wants the MAN she married back in her life.
Jon

And is struggling with the myriad of emotions caused by finding out her husband is a crossdresser.

[nikkim83]

Depends on your priorities.

Marriage is hard to walk away from.
Being yourself is harder to walk away from.

[paulinescotlandcd]

I think to be quite honest it is time to call it a day and walk away.

[Charlotte7]

There's so much to decide here. But let's start with the easy one. Dressing will never stop, that has to be the given, I know that I could never stop, I'm sure that most of us here could never stop. So, you will dress. You have, in the past dressed fully and you've loved the result. That is you, an important part of you. But now we come to the nub, the crux. You have to decide between two seemingly terrible things, be as you feel you are or live in what you feel are reduced circumstances. All I can do is wish you the best and offer as an example my circumstances. I have a loving SO. I can dress as often as I want. I have a complete wardrobe that is not hidden away. But, there are limits and boundaries. There are steps that I know that I can not consider. And, yes at the end of the day I am content with that. I have the dressing at will and the love of the woman I love. So, my advice, if advice it is, is think long and deeply before you give either of them up. And when you do, commit yourself to whichever path you choose. In my case I'd rather have the glass half full and have the company of my best friend.

[Becky Blue]

Not in your situation and speaking only in my own experience but this I do know. Since going out and dressed properly in the past. I can no longer happily throw on a dress over panties and a bra and be happy.. in fact its more frustrating knowing how I can feel and look and not being able to get there.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.. not an easy one

[NicoleScott]

I couldn't agree to MIAD. I love everything - wig, makeup, high heels, painted fake nails, fake eyelashes, jewelry, etc. I could not agree to terms (MIAD) I know I could not keep.

[BettyMorgan]

I'm not going to make this statement directly at Ellen but to the general population, instead.

If you can't be honest with your wife then who can you be honest with? She is the one you should be the most intimate and vulnerable with. If one has to hide crossdressing (for the rest of one's life) and pretend to be the person she wants then one or both will likely be unhappy in the long term. Being in the closet is stressful and it takes a lot of energy. One will eventually realize you are in a false relationship because you won't be able to be who you are.

I'm _not_ saying an attempt shouldn't be made to salvage the marriage. Anyone in this situation would chose marriage over clothing but I know for me it's not simply a fetish. I'm sure many of us have tried to purge and/or go cold turkey on many occasions (I include myself in this group). But my success rate was zero. I wish you the best.

[IamWren]

I don't see cruel or manipulating. I sense a real woman who wants the MAN she married back in her life.
Jon

I completely agree with Joni’ statement. Not knowing anything about how she said, requested or otherwise had you print the divorce docs, I can only assume it was matter of factly. I can’t imagine a scenario where a wife of any significant amount of time, who loved her husband, would make the decision to go through with divorce lightly and without any remorse. She is probably crushed and suffering under the weight of the decision.

...: But now we come to the nub, the crux. You have to decide between two seemingly terrible things, be as you feel you are or live in what you feel are reduced circumstances.

One thing you didn’t mention is if you go out, does she see you dressed on a regular basis, did she recently find out, are you in a DADT situation?

The reason I ask is because I wonder if there is some sort of compromise that could be arranged. Certainly there is some middle ground that is palatable.

As for could I be a MIAD?... I recently dressed to the nines and met some of my gurls from the H-town area at the monthly Girls’ Night Out. I posted on this board and in the non-binary board my thoughts.

It was amazing! And if I never dressed again I would be totally happy with that arrangement. That one night was so amazing I think it has filled my cup for the rest of my life. I would love to do it again but I don’t feel a compelling urge to do it. Of course that is probably because I do some things that keep my mild dysphoria/pink fog at bay.

Ellen, I hope there is some arrangement you and your wife can come to that make you both happy.

[ellbee]

I don't view MIAD as a "step back," in the least.


I used to get all dolled up and head out all the time, back in the day. I looked pretty good, if I say so myself -- friends & strangers, alike, thought so, as well.

But these days? I'm all set with that. I've had "my fill," I guess?


I present as a guy nowadays... albeit in head-to-toe women's clothing, sometimes.

No make-up, no fake boobs, no wig, no femme voice. None of that.

And not only do I view it as somewhat challenging (in a good way), but I also look at it as a form of progress -- definitely not a step back, IMO.

I've probably never been happier & at-ease with all this, really, when I stop & think about it.


Though here's the difference: This came naturally, through my own accord.

Nobody "had me" do it.



I won't necessarily comment on your wife's behavior.

But I will say this: Why is it that she has such an issue with it -- yet countless other wives & GF's *don't*?

[Amy Lynn3]

WOW, Ed !!!! What a heck of a place to be in. First let me say I am divorced. I lived with a woman I loved from the start, but she tried to control me in every aspect of my life. Like others have said, I had to choose between her and leading my own life. Talks between us and professionals did no good what so ever. For me it got to a point the stress from her demanding I walk a narrow line sent me seeking medical help.

After that started I had to do something, so I left her. My world did not end, in actuality my life is better now apart from her, than it ever was with her.

You are my friend and allow me to suggest this. I did this and it did not work, for me, but I think it is worth a try in your case. Put the ball back in her court, so to speak and let her choose to either allow you to dress as you wish or divorce. I think you know deep down you can never go back to the old you, so let her choose between a good loving husband, who dresses femme at times or living all alone.

The very best to you my friend.

[Nikki.]

My $0.02 is you need to be brutally honest with yourself where you're at on the spectrum. If you're a CD who enjoys crossdressing, with makeup and a wig being icing on your girl time cake, it's probably liveable. If you're some flavor of trans it's an indentity issue for you, and pushing the full presentation back in the closet will be harder and cause anxiety and depression.

Perhaps she's not wired to be flexible regarding her companion's gender and/or gender presentation. Good luck.

[Jaymees22]

I never had facial hair so I really don't think I could do the MIAD thing and be happy. Everyone's situation is different but more than dressing I want to remain married. There might be some compromise you could reach. Have you tried counseling as a couple with a marriage or gender therapist?

[suzanne]

If shes has moved away from "i want a divorce" to "I'm ok with a MIAD", you should seriously consider meeting her there on her terms. She has made a massive move to accommodate your tastes and a reciprocal compromise is definitely called for. Your discomfort at forgoing wig and makeup probably matches her discomfort at seeing you in a dress, but she's willing to suck it up. A good political solution is one where all parties are equally UNhappy and can live with it.

Secondly, if you meet her compromise now, and respect it by not pushing for more, you may find that she will relax further and you might be able to dress as you now prefer. On the other hand, you may find that you become comfortable as a MIAD, because it meets with greater acceptance in your home and marriage. But you absolutely must abide by her comfort level and not try to ask for more.

How valuable is it for you to be married to this woman? At one time, it was the most important thing in your world. I think she's opened the door to return to that state. Good luck.

[SaraLin]

Now she is proposing she MAY be OK with me dressing, but only if I keep facial hair, so instead of being so pretty, I will be a MIAD. I know several here are fine with that. But after doing so well with makeup and being overjoyed at the results, can I be satisfied with clothes and shoes and wig? So I ask this vast collection of experiences - has anyone tried this step back and did it last?
Ellen

Well Ellen, it sounds like you've got some deciding to do here and none of us can tell you what is best for you. That's something that YOU will have to decide.
How much to you love her?

Can You compromise? Will she really agree to it?I did, and I love her enough to live half in my choice, half in hers. I chafe against it at times, but it works for me.
Only time will tell. Good luck.