Ups and Downs

[Gen D]

Well, I had a crazy month and only now I find strength to share it with you.
In the beginning of the month I met for the first time other cross dressers. In my request, It was in male clothes over a beer in some nice pub. It was nice to speaks freely, and we had it in the air that next time we will meet for dress.
And than, just two days after, I saw a Facebook event for meet and greet event for cross-dressers. they called it "safe haven" - safe place to dress. It was aמ initiative of drag queen and another girl. It looked so welcoming and cam and safe that I signed up in the same evening (after talked about it with my wife).
I really waited for it in the following two weeks. was thinking about what to wear. AND even dressed with my wife to try different looks and to get her advice. It was the first time she saw me dress for something like 9 months!
I was in the sky!

The meeting was in mid October. I came in and changed my clothe to Gen's, put my makeup on and just felt GOOD and FREE.
I thought that I will get blown away, but i didn't. I just felt good, very un-nervous and natural. met some new people. bought 2 bargain dresses.... (you can see them here)
That evening gave me motivation and I later that week opened a Facebook group ONLY for Israeli cross dresser without admirers etc.

so, you may ask, where is the down in your story?
well, that has to do with my wife. after she saw me again, and after my high from that night out she had it BAD...
I mean we still love each other very much, but she can't handle my looks as fem....
we had some anxious couple of days, with a lot of talks, some crying and a lot of silence and blame.
in the bottom line - she still kind of supporting my need to dress, as she realize it is part of me, but doesn't want to see me as Gen - it is to hard for her, and she afraid it will influence the why she sees my "male" me.

So - Ups - met some cross dressers, DRESS OUT for the first tine, Opened Facebook groups.
Downs - Bad time with my wife, on our way to "light" DADT ("take some time to dress, but don't tell me what you did") - when I write it, I thinking that some of you will say that it better than what you have, but I hoped to be some place else...

[Alice Torn]

I can relate a little . I cam e out to a long time non romantic GG friend 2000 miles away, and sent her my latest pics out and about. She said she is not sure yet what she thinks of it. Women can say one thing, but feel another, and semm accepting, but not when it gets too close to them. NIMBY.

[Sarah Doepner]

Time, patience and communication will be the only way to tell where your relationship with your wife will go. Love seems to find a way but there are some things that take a bit more than just love it seems.

On the other hand, good for you in getting out and meeting others. One thing it can do is provide a little balance for the negative response by your wife. While it's not something to throw in her face, you have evidence that you are not the only one like you around and they have found ways to make relationships work. Good luck on both sides!

[docrobbysherry]

So glad u got to go out and meet T friends, Gen! That's the only reason for me to ever go out dressed!

Except at Halloween!

[S. Lisa Smith]

I have a similar situation. My wife, while very supportive, has no desire to see me dressed as Lisa. We have had this arrangement for about 22 years. We have been married a total of 42 years. She, like your wife, recognizes that Lisa is a part of me, the man she married and loves. While I would love to have her do things with me dressed as Lisa, I understand and appreciate her position. For example I would love to have her come to Keystone. That will never happen and I am a little disappointed. We must, in order to have a happy marriage, consider our spouses feelings and they should also consider ours. I have a happy marriage and I hope yours is and will be also.

[GretchenM]

My wife of almost 49 years knows and accepts that I am non-binary trans, but she does not want to see Gretchen. It appears that is the way it is with many wives. They married a man and not seeing a man is very disturbing. It is important to respect her feelings as this is not just about you. I think of marriage as a threesome - man, woman, couple. The couple is the bond between you and that has a foundation based on certain expectations. If that bond suffers for some reason then the couple-person gets damaged. Of course, other wives see things differently and the bond is not affected because the couple-person is configured differently.

One good exercise is to reverse the situation. How would you feel if your wife wanted to dress as a man? That is not a plea in support of the binary gender standard because that is a contrivance developed by society. But it is a way to see where the boundaries are so you AND your wife can stay within those boundaries most of the time. Perhaps you could talk to her about boundaries and limits as she sees them and then develop a flexible agreement to compartmentalize this aspect of your lives together so the couple-person and each actual person can interact more smoothly. If there is love then there probably is some kind of a middle ground where you can both be comfortable. The hard part is finding it. Some never actually do, but it is always worth the effort to seek that.

[Teresa]

Gen,
Going out socially is the best thing I ever did, my wife does accept it but unlike you still chooses not to see me or get involved in any way . So there is certain point where you have to consider if you want more and why. I'm afraid it came to that situation with me , once a month for those few hours wasn't enough. How to put that message across is the difficult part especially when you've been married for over forty years , so in my case it has come to an amicable separation in a few weeks time. The children and most of the family know the situation and it appears to be heading in the right direction , we are both happier with the situation, we will possibly be happier friends than an unhappy couple , I hope so for the families sake .

[NancySue]

I understand. My wife and I have been out for dinners, movies, shopping, but always way out of town. Our town is relatively small, conservative, nosey, gossipy, etc. The consequences of getting caught would me a disaster both business-wise and socially. We were out last week shopping when we saw some friends of ours. We both kinda freaked out as we quickly left. We’re pretty sure we weren’t seen. This experience has really negatively affected my wife to the point that she said, “ never again”. I understand her feelings. Going out, for those of us that do, is a big thing. Thinking I/we’ll never go out again is a downer. I’m going to wait for a while and see if she’ll reconsider. She knows how important it is to me. Time will tell.

[Teresa]

Nancy,
One question , does your wife always accompany or do you sometimes go out alone ? Being seen by yourself might not create as much of a problem, especially if you enjoy your trips out .