So, I went out tonight

[Fainne the King]

And I was self conscious at first, but this was the first time I've felt pretty comfortable. And I didn't notice any weird looks, no one really seemed to notice. I went to the mall, then went to the arcade to play some DDR. While I was playing, a bunch of high school goth kids were hanging out and watching me and they were like "alright dude" and afterwards one guy came up and was like "hey man, how you doing" and treated me just like a guy. One of the girls even kept eyeing me and smiling! Ok, maybe it's usual for you guys that are full timers, but for me this is a first. It definately boosted my confidence on passing.

[Kimberley]

Excellent! I am pleased you did it.

It is surprising how cool the Goths (not the skinheads and associates) can be isnt it? Last year I had to photograph a Goth fashion show. (Absolutely amazing designs)

So here's this middle aged guy in jeans and very colourful silk shirt shooting this runway show in a Goth pub. It was wierd at first then I got to chat with some of them and they really were extraordinary ppl. A lot of very intelligent and artistic people in that crowd. A couple of them had even checked out my gallery exhibit the year before and remembered it which totally blew me away.

The experience certainly changed my opinion and prejudices very quickly. I still cant handle the music but other than that....

Kimberley.

[gennee]

That's great. I know you must be on cloud nine.


Gennee

[mistunderstood]

Good job. Sounds like fun.

[Julie Avery]

[Marla S]

Congrats

[Fainne the King]

Thanks guys, can't wait to go out again!

It is surprising how cool the Goths (not the skinheads and associates) can be isnt it?
Kimberley.

Yeah, I mean a lot of people look at them as "freaks" so I guess they feel more sympathetic toward other outcasts of society.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Congrats Fainne! As you're discovering, attitude has a lot of to do with it. My experience is that if you act like you deserve respect, you'll usually get it.

[CaptLex]

And I was self conscious at first, but this was the first time I've felt pretty comfortable.

Way to go, dude! I remember the first time I did it, I felt like everybody was looking at me and my face must have been red most of the night, but it has gotten a little easier each time. Now, I barely think about it.

My only problem now is that the only people who seem to be attracted to me are lesbians - not that there's anything wrong with that - but I only like boys. The boys are friendly, though. They will chat, flirt, dance with me and even buy me drinks, but that's as far as they want to go. I keep trying . . .

[Gabriel]

Yeah I know how that feels! Nice job!

[Julie Avery]

I only like boys. The boys are friendly, though. They will chat, flirt, dance with me and even buy me drinks, but that's as far as they want to go. I keep trying . . .

I'm genetically male, and I'm surprised at that, just intuitively, but you've been there, and I haven't. I would say this: I worked at a (big) place where we had several FTM's, and I would never have thought they'd have been interested in men, I made the same silly assumption that people make about MTF's being gay. I wonder if that's what you're running into, and if it would change if, at the right time with the right person, you actually told them "You know, a funny thing I run into: no one seems to realize I only like boys". Maybe you've already done this, just thought I'd put my 2 cents in, in reply to your interesting experience.

[CaptLex]

I wonder if that's what you're running into, and if it would change if, at the right time with the right person, you actually told them "You know, a funny thing I run into: no one seems to realize I only like boys". Maybe you've already done this, just thought I'd put my 2 cents in, in reply to your interesting experience.

Your 2 cents is worth a lot more than that to me, Julie. Thanks. I've been asking lots of people about this (mostly my therapist) and all advice is most welcome. I'm sure because of my appearance - I dress like a boy, but I don't pass as one - everyone assumes I'm a lesbian (males and females, straight, gay or bi). Nobody asks me, and I don't volunteer the information - I'm just not sure how to bring it up, I guess. Plus, I will admit to fear of rejection. I have told lesbians in the past and their attitude is usually negative. And I assume gay men would just tell me they're not interested since I don't have what most attracts them.

People from my support group tell me I have to attend more TG conferences and activities, make more TG friends and network until I meet the right people. I've been trying to find out where FtMs congregate here in NY, but there doesn't seem to be any common place. It's discouraging sometimes.

[Julie Avery]

Hiya Capt Lex. I don't think anythings going to happen with gay men. They're just not wired for it, God love 'em. If you like MTF I'd think there are possibilities there. But most of all, I think there are probably more "vanilla" genetic males than you would think who would find you very attractive, once they were disabused of their assumptions about your preferences.

I think the way you expressed your preferences was very tasteful and would not be taken, by most men, as a come-on. If you said that to me at a bar, if I'd been a bit flirty, I'd just take it as honest information and be flattered that you felt comfortable enough to share it - and I'd take it as a temporary acceptance of my flirtation. I think it's something no vanilla male is going to "get" unless you find a way to say it. Of course, you've got to have a "read" on a person before opening up to that level, heaven knows there are some crude people in this world.

When you find the solution to "fear of rejection", please let me know ASAP, I've got an industrial-strength case of that

[CaptLex]

When you find the solution to "fear of rejection", please let me know ASAP, I've got an industrial-strength case of that

I think bio-males have had more practice with this, so I feel like a teenage boy in this department, but I'm working on it. Thanks again for your point of view - I've gained some insight from your input.

[Kimberley]

Capt. Lex,
Fear of rejection... geesh havent we all been there? Well, dont give up because there are places where M2F's meet in NY. In a city that size how could there not be?
You might want to check some of the "underground" papers. You could also get in touch with the GLBT groups at the universities and ask them. If anyone could tell you, they could. Of course there is no guarantee that it isnt going to be rich with younguns, but it is a chance you take. I am sure there are a few of us from the forum in the NY area who are single.
I really do hope you can find someone. You deserve it.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I think bio-males have had more practice with this, so I feel like a teenage boy in this department, but I'm working on it.

Put it this way, it's just one of those things we learn to suck it up and deal it. FYI, in Norah Vincent's "Self-Made Man," Vincent was shocked at how tough it was being a guy in the dating scene. To which my reaction was -- well, yeaaahhh....

Sorry to be such a bluebird of happiness, but at least you know you're not alone.

Actually, I believe something like a third of FTMs self-identify as gay and not all of them are living as monks. So they're definitely finding guys there who are interested in them. I'm not sure where, but they're out there. Trying a personals ad might not be a bad idea.

[CaptLex]

Thanks for your advice, Kimberley and Marlena. After much consideration, I've decided I should put this part of my exploration on the back burner for now and deal with other issues. I'm sure it will re-surface at some point, and I hope I'm better equipped to deal with it then.