Approaching Retirement

[Traci H]

I thought I would ask you gals about some of your experiences as you entered retirement. I know many of you have made comments about how it went with the dressing once you retired. Now if you wife is accepting, the situation might have gone to Rainbows and Unicorns. However, if you are in a DADT, it might be different.

I guess I am in a DADT. Actually DADT might be optimistic. I would say my wife is somewhat antagonistic towards me and my dressing. Seems she has relented on the panty wearing as my drawer is full, but she doesn't like it. She gives me some flack about other things she finds around from time to time. So I just sort of have to do it on the sly. We have had some conversions, and we just butt heads. I wonder how it might be in retirement, especially if she retires about the same time. Even "normal" (and I hated to say it that way) couples seem to have issues with suddenly seeing so much of each other.

Your stories and suggestions would be helpful. I don't see myself giving up much of anything with regard to dressing and in fact the pick fog gets stronger each day, and in general, I am caring less and less about you knows or sees me. After retirement, my need to protect my income stream will be great diminished, at least relative to the dressing aspects. Inflation, taxes, medical, etc is another story of course.

Traci

[Tracii G]

The only thing that is changing is your employment status.
Why would expect anything different from your SO?
Its not like she is going to say OK honey you are retired now so you can dress now.You know thats not going to happen.
I love being retired.

If you receive a pension thats awesome and if you are close to 65 sign up for medicare.

[Traci H]

Tracii, that is true, however one of the greatest fears she has is that I will be outed and it impact my employemnt. That treat will be gone, so things will have changed a little bit, and certainly have removed that fear.

Not sure how that will impact her thought process, but it might. No fear of going to "beans and wieners" because I threw a dress on and walked around town.

Glad to hear you love retirement. That is encouraging.

[Stephanie47]

I have been retired for a full nine years and well into the tenth. My wife continues to work part time. Part time means full days. Full days means seven hours alone. It was terrific although I would have really enjoyed more opportunity to be alone 24/7 for a week to ten days which does occur sometimes. Anyway, my wife and are into DADT. It's a real DADT. She does not make any snide comments about me individually or the community if there is something on the news or programming concerning cross dressing. She has no idea of the extent of my wardrobe.

In the spring of 2016 she needed a back operation which forced her off the balance of the school year (teacher). I knew summers were going to be femme free. Right after finishing physical therapy for her back, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Chem, surgery and radiation put her off for the entire next school year. Zero femme time. It was not as frustrating as I though it would be. Perhaps the male protective/supportive role dominated over desires to be in my womanly role. Maybe the knowledge that she would return to work this school year helped any angst. She has returned to work and my femme time may be once a week or twice a month. Is it sufficient? Time will tell. She has talked out totally retiring. Ugh! In my early years of marriage I had to grab at "crumbs of time." I cannot do that anymore. I really cannot understand how any man can find satisfaction dolling himself up for minutes at a time. If my wife does fully retire I will strongly encourage her to visit her cousin who lives in the southwest. Then I'll be able to bring Stephanie out of the closet for seven days 24/7. I figure the time my wife was totally off from work was a prelude to full retirement. I'm not going to like it at all. I really cannot offer words of encouragement. If your wife is going to tolerate your cross dressing all I can suggest is taking a short separate mini vacation sometimes. Then let the chips fall where they may.

PS: I will concur with Tracii. Retirement is great. I receive a generous pension. My wife draws her full social security benefits. I have other significant income. Money is not the issue. The issue is whether there is adequate time to be en femme. There seems to be a lot of minor irritant between retired couples because a new routine is established which many times means they're looking at each other 24/7.

[Vikky]

Hi Traci
I am retired (70) and in a DADT situation. I had an interest in CDing since teenage years but kept it very amateur and low key until recent years. I started buying female underwear and clothes secretly about 5 years ago and once satisfied I wanted to continue dressing I told my wife. This was about 5 years ago and at first she was quite relieved as she thought I was about to tell her I was having an affair (!), however it soon became a DADT situation, although from time to time she has bought me some female items.
I can dress privately at home for about 4 or 5 hours each week, and in addition I dress in night attire and sleep in a separate bedroom. This tends to be 2 or 3 weeks en femme, then back in the marital bedroom in drab for a while.
About twice a year either I go away for a few days, or she does, and there is more scope for dressing, but I don’t go public – I have a beard!
I would like to dress much more but we have a good marriage, friends and social life and I don’t want to put that at risk. The situation suits me and retirement hs made it much easier to find CDing tme.
Vikky

[Sheila11]

if she doesn't like it now she wont like it then.

I'm in a dadt, don't talk about it, don't allude to it, don't get caught, and don't even leave a stray hair from a wig on the carpet relationship.

I retired last year and now have tons of free time to fill. My wife is also retired.
Same wife so no change.
I continually encourage her to do things outside the home so that I might have some occasional free time.
I support her in a hobby that gives me half a day every week.
Then everything is put away as we travel in an RV for 4 months.

All this to say that my dressing is more scheduled but at times more limited.
You have to find your own balance. Same as before.

[Tracii G]

The fear comment is just an excuse.
Her fear will just move to what if the neighbors see you, or if you were to go out in public what if a friend sees you?
Its not so much you being embarrassed its more about her being embarrassed.

[Traci H]

The fear comment is just an excuse.
Her fear will just move to what if the neighbors see you, or if you were to go out in public what if a friend sees you?
Its not so much you being embarrassed its more about her being embarrassed.

Traci, do you always have to be so blatant with reality? You might be correct. I just tend to be too damn optimistic, usually only to get shot down. Nonetheless, I appreciate the comments by those that have weighed in and they all go into my thought process, however flawed that may be.

Traci
I just want to be pretty once in a while.

[Gillian Gigs]

Just like in life, retirement has it's up side and it's down side. I have been retired 6 + months now and I am still getting used to a new routine. One of the blessings for me has been more dressing time. I have an accepting wife, so getting dressed for the day is great! Sorry you can't do that due to your situation. There is an adjustment process to go through, you just have to be prepared to struggle through it until you get into a new routine. One of the big down sides for me that I didn't take into consideration was not being around people the same way. I have way less human interaction being at home now.

[TheHiddenMe]

I've been retired for five years (was fortunate to be able to retire at 55). I love it.

I volunteer as a high school tennis coach about six months out of the year (three months for the girls, three months for the boys). My wife and I are out of the country for about 2+ months a year (3+ months for my wife; my wife is from overseas). I play golf about twice a week during the warmer months, play tennis on a regular basis, do runs and triathlons, and have lost about 45 pounds since retiring.

Fortunately, my wife also has outside interests (she plays tennis and bridge). Over the last year, when she gets out, my hidden half can get out (I don't tell her I'm going out, except on rare occasions like Halloween). I've written about my outings in the Picture directory. I think I've been out 33 times this year, quite a few days when she has been out of town or out of the country.

But what has happened for me probably doesn't fit your circumstances. But as I have told people the saying, "no one on their death bed ever said they wish they would have spent more time in the office." So you might not get to dress more, but find something else to fill your time and you will likely be happier.

[Tracii G]

Getting back to the retirement thing just find something to keep you busy.
Say turn a hobby into a business or volunteer somewhere.
I have been one of those weekly pawn shop and thrift store hunters looking for musical instruments to fix up and sell or trade for other stuff.
Trouble is I find cool old guitars that just need a little TLC and I end up keeping them in my collection LOL.
People ask me if I miss my old job and I laugh and say are you kidding me heck no.

[Leslie Langford]

Traci,

This general topic was also covered in another recent thread entitled "Wife hurt her back" where the OP lamented the fact that her wife had recently injured her back, needed her to look after her for the foreseeable future, how that had negatively affected her ability to crossdress at will, and had left her wondering aloud what the impact would be if her wife decided to quit working altogether as a result of this injury.

Stephanie47 was one of the responders to that post (as she is here), and she steered the conversation towards contemplating what effect a spouse's impending retirement would have on the already retired (and likely spoiled ) other partner in a DADT relationship, as this would present an analogous scenario. She then went on to describe her present situation as well as her thoughts on what the future might hold for her as far as her own crossdressing was concerned.

What follows below is what my response to Stephanie was at the time, drawing upon my own "Been there, done that" experience over the last several years in a marriage situation very much like hers. I think it bears repeating here verbatim as I think it has a lot of relevance to the question you also raised. It may not be the Rainbows and Unicorns answer that you were perhaps hoping for, but it is what it is...

Stephanie, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the outlook for you for when your wife decides to retire full-time is likely not pretty.

I have followed your posts for some years now - and I know that you have followed mine - and it is clear that there are many similarities between the two of us and our respective marriages...age, years married, entrenched and largely unyielding DADT relationships with our spouses etc....and yet, still taking our marriage vows and our commitment to our wives and children seriously even though at times the associated restrictions can seem stifling, if not verging on the unbearable. The main difference between us seems to be that you have remained a closeted stay-at-home crossdresser whereas I have graduated on to going out-and-about publicly en femme over the last 10 years or so...and loving every moment of it.

So let me give you a little taste of what you are in for:

I retired in 2008 (not entirely by choice, but that is a whole other story), whereas my wife continued to work full time for a few more years. But as they say, when life hands you a lemon, the best response is to make lemonade. In my case, I used the opportunity of this unexpected free (and unfettered) time to explore my "Leslie" side in depth, and eventually I began to test the waters that also involved going out in public as my female persona. It was a somewhat gradual process in my case, and it involved first acquiring an extensive wardrobe of age- and occasion-appropriate female clothing, finding a local makeup artist who worked wonders in coaxing the "inner girl" out from under the drab (literally) male exterior (and who seemed to enjoy the the experience over multiple visits almost as much as I did), having my nails done, getting professional wig and bra fittings etc., and even enlisting the help of a style consultant at one point to help me refine my look.

"Those were the days, my friend, we thought they'd never end..." as the song goes. But they did...and with a resounding crash. In 2013 my wife retired. That's when the party abruptly stopped. Yes, I could certainly see the oncoming freight train heading my way, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

Fast forward to the present day...my wife and I are both retired, and together pretty much 24/7 now. Sure, she has some outside activities, but they take her out of the house maybe 2-3 hours at a time, tops. I grab whatever "Leslie" time I can during those occasions, but it is not enough time to get glammed up the way I used to, and certainly not enough prep time for going out en femme in an even remotely convincing manner. It wasn't too, too bad in the beginning...my wife would take 2,3, or even 4 days at a time to visit relatives or to stay over with my son's family to help out while his children were still babies, but this has since dwindled to next to nothing. Also, during that time, her mobility issues exacerbated, so not unlike your wife's situation, surgery (a knee replacement in her case) was required, followed by a lengthy recuperation and rehabilitation period (read: no "Leslie" time at all) which then ensued.

The upshot to this progression is that the last time I was able to get out en femme was back in March of this year when my wife went to visit her ailing brother who had suffered a stroke. That seems like an eternity ago now, and I can't begin to tell you how much I miss not having been able to do that again since that time. And so, I soldier on - hoping that at some point I can recreate even a vestige of what I had before, but at the same time realizing that this is probably in vain and that my best "Leslie" years are behind me even though the urges (and the underlying ability to pull it off) are still very much with me.

Sorry if this sounds like a bit of a "downer", Stephanie, but the way I see it, it's probably best at this point to "psych" yourself up to realistically face the inevitable barring any unforeseen miracles, and at the very least...make the best of whatever time you have left to crossdress freely and to your heart's content before that door shuts on you as well.

As they say, YMMV "Your mileage may vary"), Traci, and maybe things will work out differently for you, but this has been my experience to date in the particular type of DADT marriage that I am currently a participant in.

[Aunt Kelly]

I say this so often that it must be getting monotonous, but you might want to consider counseling. Retirement is a major life change, in many ways. Your finances will likely change somewhat. Your schedule will change dramatically. And just the realization that you have crossed one of life's major thresholds has an impact. Even in the best of situations, where retirement is seen as a well earned and welcome, it's a big change. Throw in your TG nature and it's that much more complicated. Getting some help to sort it all out seems like positive, proactive thing to do, IMO.

[Jaymees22]

I retired 8 years ago, working is overrated and we seem to have more money now than when we were working. I really didn't start dressing until I retired as my wife kept working part time 4 days a week. I was able to dress a lot then. Now that she retired 2 years ago I'm dressing less but appreciating it more. she has some activities that give me some alone time. Also I dress to go out to a support group once a month. One would hope you and your wife should be able to come to some reasonable agreement

[Tracii G]

Counseling for dealing with being retired ??
You are joking right?
I have been thru some major life changes several times and just dealt with it and adjusted to the situation.
Retirement is a good thing don't worry about it just have fun with you free time.

[IleneD]

Traci H and all,
Great thread, BTW.

I've been retired from the Navy for almost 8 years now, and full time retired for about the last 3-4. I absolutely love it. I dread the thought of having to have a job in order to live well. Something I dread even worse would be having to ask my 35 yr old supervisor for time off to see my family, travel, etc. It was never going to happen. I have no need for a job.

Now...... being fully retired does indeed take its toll, and it had a profound effect on me. I no longer had dozens, often hundreds of men under my command. I was no longer "important" or did important things (that could now be done by other important officers). I no longer had a Purpose, or at least an outside purpose. Most of all I no longer was invested in an identity that took me over 3 decades to cultivate. I was always my uniform and my rank. All those years. The Navy was a great place to hide out for someone who secretly knew he was some sort of "queer" man. I didn't understand how, why or what; or if I was closeted gay, a CD or even trans.

One of the strangest things that happened upon retirement is that I HAD TO LIVE LIFE AS ME. I'd never done that very much. I was always Coach _____, or "Killer" (my tactical call sign), or maybe Commander ______. I was never just me. My identity, deservedly so, was invested in my career, uniform and team. What a surprise that "living as me" revealed and unleashed a feminine element.

My gender and orientation issues remained unresolved from youth. I parked them, put them aside; denied them. Cursed them. I finally had time to discover and re-discover that inner woman who haunted me since childhood. I had to think about me, and analyze how and why I felt the way I did; who and what I was all my life. After years of denial, I finally had to face Myself and create my own individual identity. This is not easy for someone my age.

I really didn't start 'full body contact' crossdressing until I was in retirement. It started small with leggings. I used the excuse of cold weather bike rides to wear them. Then followed panties (again). I had underdressed often during my adult career life.

When the Wife went away to visit other family and I was alone (with my panties and "thoughts" ), a Little Black Dress called out to me one afternoon. It was the first dress I ever bought for myself. I'd worn stray things before; Mom's stuff that didn't fit, girlfriends or my wife's stuff for short episodes. The last time I considered buying a dress for myself, I was a young man at a crossroads. That's when I met my wife and decided to consciously push my femme self aside.

BUT NOW..... in retirement, I bought a dress. Not only did it fit (to my surprise), but it looked great. I was exercising a lot and was trim. From that day, it's been all downhill (so to speak). Within about 18 months of serious dressing-up, I've accumulated a literal closet full of women's clothing. (Stop me please).

The Wife (bless her soul) has learned about this about the same time I learned about it myself; as the old spirits came back. She caught me (in pink panties, no less) and I had to come out. My CD came out of the blue from out of nowhere, and it was a nasty jolt for her. All things considered, it could have ended much worse. We are in a good place and growing (together as a couple) with my crossdressing and possible transgenderism.
We
So... it's not like I have a DADT situation, though The Wife is still quite cool to "Ilene" and doesn't want her roaming around too much. Keep things essentially private and for those with a need to know. I dress around the house as much as I like, so there's no need to sneak around. I go out of the house in public from time to time, but the Wife doesn't care for that either. On the other hand, I also don't wish to over-do it and stress her out or ruin my growing "good thing". Taking it in small steps.

As for a recommendation, Trace. Instead of dreading your time together and getting stressed out by your near constant presence with each other, you should take trips. Take a trip ALONE to visit a friend. Or, take a short vacation ALONE to a place you always wanted to go but your wife may not consider. There's many a travel destination I've longed to see but I know my wife physically couldn't do it or keep up. I still don't intend to deny myself
Encourage your wife or SO to take frequent getaway trips too. She and you likely have grown kids or family she'd love to see. Spend your retirement treasure on experiences, not stuff.
Yes, even for retired couples who are NOT in CD relationships, being in one another's presence for nearly 24/7 day upon day gets old, and you can get on each other's nerves. In our married & career life I spent a lot of time AWAY at sea, on temp duty, on assignments, schools, etc. A new Close Proximity to one another will be one of the biggest changes; NOT the fact that your spouse is now cramping your style or CD time. Think hard about how you will SHARE that life with her and care for one another.
Talk to your SO about going places separately or with your friends.

[Anne K]

Traci, Ilene makes a point about being in each other's presence 24/7. This is a big deal and will impact your relationship. Be prepared! How will you address the Pink Fog? Ilene's suggestion about taking some trips might be a good solution.

[Helen_Highwater]

Traci,

The first thing you discover about being retired is you're kept so busy doing "stuff" you wonder how you ever found time to go to work. I had a job I enjoyed, great people but do I miss it, hell no!

My So retired about a year after I did. While I worked I had many years working from home anything from 1 to 5 days a week, so home alone with ample opportunity to dress. So you can imagine that when the prospect of us both being home all the time surfaced I was thinking that's going to be an end to my dressing, me being in the closet.

True I don't get as much time to dress but while we do share our time together we both have things we do away from the house as our own person. Hence opportunities arise for me to spend a few hours a week dressed. So I would say wait and see what happens. Don't get unduly worried about the might nots. These things have a way of sorting themselves out.

[Tracii G]

I agree with Helen don't worry about what might happen just go with the flow and see how it all works out.
Might be way better than you ever imagined.

[Mickitv]

I agree nothing will change except you are choosing not to go to work today. I found that not having that worry in my life makes something things easier and some more difficult.

[Rayleen]

For me I was retired before the wife , so I had lots of opportunities to dress while alone.
So it was hard because I had not come out before and had to stop to decide what I wanted to continue .

I decided to tell her bits by bits slowly to get tolerance. She tolerated it and if sometimes I was rushing, I would get a question? Why.

Its a very slow process and you know your walking on thin Ice and our desire was put on the back burner.

So far so good and since we have good communication , it helps but I would not tell her I want to go out in public ,,scared the plan would abort.

[ginapoodle]

Traci,

Excellent question. I have been retired just over 2 years now. First year was spent simply recovering physically, emotionally and mentally. Time to focus on Spiritual growth has been the main upside of my free time. And, this past year I have made some major strides understanding my gender-fluid self and Spiritual context. It took 50 years, but there you are.

My wife works part time most of the year, so that gives me time to dress up a bit at home. I have also ventured out once at a Houston GNO, and for several days in Portland, OR. Both were meaningful experiences for me. Currently my F energy seems to be resting, or in pause mode. Not sure why, but the very intense summer, hurricane, and family health issues contributed to the pause, I think.

General advice: keep up a network of friendships, and be flexible expanding your ties. If possible, keep some hook into your previous career. Mine went entirely poof with technology changes. Exercise, eat right and take care of your body! Take time to play, and check off some of those bucket list items in life.

[Traci H]

Thank you girls for taking the time to write and offer your insight. Some very good things for me to think about, albeit each of our situations are a little different. Ilene I wish to thank you in particular for your truly thoughtful insights. I have read everyone and have taken your comments to heart.

I don't know yet whether my wife will retire at the same time or continue to work for a while. Many of you had that situation. She might work part time as well. She can't decide at this time. I also realize that I will miss the interaction of my friends at work and will have to work at keeping in the world so to speak. I also fear having that 24/7 wife around and I will need some time to dress and indulge. I wish big time that she was accepting and I still hold out hope that she will come around a bit more. It will be a new game, but the time is coming and there is not much I can do about it...nothing in fact.

Thanks again for the insights. I love this forum.

[RADER]

Hi Traci;
I was a Carpenter for over 50 years, now retired. At work I could wear Panties on occasion.
It all depended on what type of work I was doing, and where I was working.
When it was time to hang up the tool's I started to wear panties full time.
Wife was OK with my dressing, but at home only. Later on i would wear a bra around the house
but with caution, like in winter where I could wear a heavy flannel shirt.
My wife passed away about 5 years ago. It was then I decided to wear a bra 24/7, with my
Woman's Jeans. I still dress around the house, but do not go out.
Enjoy Retirement, but find something to keep your self busy, you will be glad you did.
Rader