Wife of a crossdresser

[Newnew1819]

Hi

My husband is a cross dresser and I would have never thought in a million years I would be writing this. My husband is the macho type and has always been mr handy man and still is. He is a hairdresser and specializes in woman's hair. A few years ago I noticed woman's cloths in my home.First thing I thought he was cheating. Then he said he said he was not. So I let it go a few months later I found other items around the house and press on nails and wigs. I immediately knew something was going on and confronted him . He denied it all and I became furious. Fast forward early this year I noticed a lot of times his underwear and pants would go missing. He was hiding them and dressing . I finally told him I know what your doing a few weeks ago and he came out and told me the truth. I have been researching this for years and he knows it. So he just broke down and told me it started a few years ago. That night I told him to show me himself in dress up. So he did he was scared and so was I but I wanted to see what my husband was hiding . That night we had sex with him all dressed up. Since then we have Been having sex sometimes in his bra and undies . My main concern is is he gay? He swears he is not but why does he like being a bottom and 2nd why does he still dress every night behind my back. I know when he does bc he doesn't have underwear on in the morning. I am so confused . When he is dressed as a girl he doesn't act any different . He doesn't have a girl name he just says it's a sexual thing. I am not sure. What should I do. Some days I think of divorce bc I am not sure if he is wanting to sleep with men. Since he likes to be a bottom at times. I am so lost.

[Rachael Leigh]

There are many reasons for this. We are all different, it might be best to find a counselor to help both you and him understand his feelings around this. Bottom line he needs to be honest about all of this.
Best wishes and blessings
Rachael

[Meghan4now]

Why was he hiding his underwear and pants?

As far as the sex goes, that is possibly a separate issue from dressing. It CAN go hand in hand, but many times doesn't. I would suggest that the kind of play you describe is probably something you should not participate in before you come to terms with it. Otherwise expectations can be created that later turn into resentment.

[Scarlett1975]

I'm not gay but like the play you describe also. Sometimes it might make more sense if I were gay. I love girls, everything about them. For Me having my wife play the male role is a big turn on but if it was a man doing it I wouldn't find it fun at all. Not knowing your husband it's hard to say but many of us are not gay. I think in society being gay and cross dressing seems to make more sense but honestly in reality it's often not how it is

[michaelmichelle]

First let me say that in my opinion nothing he is doing means he is gay.
When I have the time to dress (which my wife enjoys as much as I do) it may or may not lead to sex. When it does there are times that a role reversal may occur. It's not always...just some times.
We have talked about it afterwards and have decided it's something that we both recognize at the time but like any intimate contact we let things go their natural course. It doesn't hurt anything and it's something we both enjoy. Does that make me gay? When I have zero interest in guys?
As always stated on here....
BE COMPLETELY HONEST AND OPEN WITH YOUR SO!
Again this is just my opinion!

[Newnew1819]

He was not really hiding them. They would pile up in the garage and then a week later there are 7 pair of pants and underwear out there bc he was changing into his dresses and panties.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

I love that he trusted me to see him dressed. I even want to help him with his makeup. It's always a sexual thing for him when he dresses up. We both have high sex drives and I am turned on when he is submissive. I was just scared if he could hold that secret for years. What else is he holding back.

[Minnietheminx]

I think you are probably more worried about this due to the fact that your husband is dressing as a girl. There are many men out there that dont dress at all that love this kind of stimulation as it stimulates the prostate so to speak and gives a different feeling of arousal...just thee same as some GGs like it.....
I think as he is open with you about his dressing you just need to ask him what it is he likes about it. He may just like the fact that you are in control when he is dressed and it makes him feel more girly but not neccessarily that fact that he wants a real man there but you have to talk so that it doesnt lead to that as it can happen unfortunately where they do want to move on to feel the `real thing` so you need to ensure that you are upfront about things now from the start and if he does feel that way then maybe its best to stop that side of things in the bedroom ..however even that cant guarantee things hun as if he stops receiving it from you it could end up he wants to try anyway but then he may not even entertain the thought at all and you are just presuming!!....its a complicated one but talking is the best starting point xx

[Newnew1819]

Thank u so much. My husband swears he has 0 interest in men. I guess my mind wonders a lot bc he hid the cross dressing for so long.

[shellybme]

First of all, I think you are an amazing wife for supporting your husband. Before this site, I felt very alone in my crossdressing world. I can understand why he hid for so long because it is a hard thing to share especially if you do not know what the reaction is.

Second, his preferences have nothing to do with being gay. When you are gay you are only attracted to the same gender. He might have bi-tendencies and not be really bi. My wife asked the same thing when i told her i dress. I absolutely love my wife and am not attracted to anyone but her.

Hope this helps.

[Gillian Gigs]

The vast majority of CD'ers are straight, but that doesn't mean they are all vanilla! It sounds to me like he would fit into being a fetishistic CD'er, with some extra kinks on the side. You both need to sit down and talk this through, getting to the truth of it all. By this I mean that you have to be forth coming yourself as to where you are at in all of this. Sex is meant to be fun between a husband and wife, if you are both agreeable to something, then so what, it's nobodies business but your own! Who's on top, who wears what, who leads, who cares, as long as you are both mutually agreeable.

[Minnietheminx]

If he swears by that then you have to trust him. Its difficult as nobody probably even himself can predict how things may go as with anything in life if we enjoy it we like to explore more but for now i would enjoy what you have with him and stop worrying so much. At the end of the day if he is that way inclined then it would happen anyway weather or not you are being adventurous .You state that he says its more a kink thing so its probably that the dressing and the anal side is just a turn on for him sexually or the feel of certain fabrics he wears against him ..even the thought of two girls together he may like.it may not be as deep rooted to the point you think..but you need to talk hun x

[Newnew1819]

Thank u so much. You sound just like my husband. He never wants to be with anyone else. I guess I am just so scared of this new life.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Thank You. We will talk again about it all. I love him and he is my best friend. He means everything to me. I just need us on the up and up with each other . Also like u said . I gotta stop being a worry wort.

[Pat]

Just a note: I had to edit a few posts. I'm hoping I managed to keep the sense of what each person was trying to say. Please be sensitive to the fact that this is an open forum on an international site and keep your sexual references general.

[Teresa]

Newnew,
Some of the problem is having to conceal it from you has fed his need and it's out of control. He needs to sit down and talk it through with you or ask him to write his story down . A counsellor told me many years age that " No secret , No problem !" not strictly true but he doesn't know himself well enough and you are jumping to conclusions.

Having to hide part of your life is not easy , it really can screw you up mentally , why does he crossdress ,what do the clothes mean to him , is he gay and does he eventually wish to become a woman ?

Some of the behaviour will burn itself out naturally , the more open he is allowed to be the more of a balance he will achieve , maybe try and tone down the sexual aspect and see if his needs change . if you can accept him dressing around the home , give it a try , he may tire of it and cut it back himself .

To me DADT is counter-productive , to some it works but if you can avoid it and be open with each other the compromises may not be necessary

[Minnietheminx]

Don`t be scared of it just embrace it. He is still your lovely husband that loved you from the start just he likes to dress differently thats all.
Look at it as you get a nice softer side of him that will share all the girly things you love to talk about and do then you also get as you say the macho side of him that does all the manly things. If one starts to outweigh the other and you cant handle it then just speak to him as he may not realise and get a little carried away...I think personally you are very lucky and lucky that he has been honest with you which in itself is a really big thing as that shows me that he loves and trusts you so just do the same back xxx

[leannejacobs]

Your suspicions are unfounded, stop worrying about his sexuality, if as you say you've researched this you'll know that the majority of crossdressers are heterosexual, being bottom is my preference too, has been for many years, more to do with a bad back I used to suffer from, as for him still dressing behind your back, as nice as it is to be able to dress with your partner we have more needs than that, I'll sit quite comfortably with my wife while dressed but what I enjoy more is strutting my stuff about the house, multiple changes and posing in the mirror lol I know, sounds silly but that's the preference, your husband is probably similar, don't get upset about it, it's what he needs for his fix.
My dressing isn't sexual though I do enjoy getting intimate with my wife while dressed, I play it by ear and wait for her to instigate it, I wouldn't worry too much, I love my wife too, I have no desires to be with a man.

[Leelou]

Wow New, you're an incredible and accepting wife. Thanks for taking the time and effort to join this site and contributing.

As you've heard many times, most crossdressers are straight. I know it can sound like what we want to hear or believe when it comes from a straight crossdresser, but the "experts" have been saying that for as long as I can remember. I first learned a few basic truths about crossdressing from Ann Landers way back in the seventies. Someone would write in to Ann asking about crossdressing and what it meant. If you're familiar with Ann's work, she wasn't one to just fire from the hip when asked serious questions, so she'd consult the leading experts at the time. Even way back then, they all pretty much said the same thing. Most crossdressers are straight and do not want to live full time as female or transition. I also learned that crossdressing is an emotional need and OK. It really helped with my acceptance of who I was from a pretty early age to know that I was not alone.

Best wishes for you and your hubby! He's very fortunate to have you!

[Vickie_CDTV]

The fact he dresses does not make him gay. The fact he enjoys prostate stimulation does not make him gay (some straight/cis/gender conforming men also enjoy it.) If he is attracted to other men, that makes him gay (or bi.) If he only wants to be with you, he is straight.

He needs to stop lying. He is not helping his cause by lying to you.

[Judy-Somthing]

I've been dressing for fifty years and have never had any interest in men.
My wife hates it and says she'll leave me if I continue to dress, so I stopped eight months ago.
I'm pretty sure I'll most likely dress again.
It's been part of me my whole life.

[TheHiddenMe]

Thank u so much. My husband swears he has 0 interest in men. I guess my mind wonders a lot bc he hid the cross dressing for so long.

He hid it because he thought/sensed you wouldn't approve (in your opening post, you mention divorce because you thought he might be gay...so if he thought so, he had reasons to be concerned).

Most crossdressers are straight. Most gays are not crossdressers. If he is gay, then crossdressing is not the issue--it's being gay. But he is telling you he's not gay.

In our culture, most people (male or female) are conditioned not to disclose their kinks. As Dan Savage says, Australia got the convicts, Canada got the French, and the US got the Puritans. The US has a long history of religious affiliations, and most of them are predisposed to repress sexuality. So your husband has been conditioned to hide his kink--and if you spend time on this board, you will find your husband is another in a long list of crossdressers who hide from their spouses. For example, have you disclosed all of your kinks to your husband? Were you reluctant to do so?

As to being submissive, that could be or not related to the crossdressing. For me, the idea of dressing is a turn-on for me (not as much as when actually dressed). Also, for me the idea of being forced to dress is also a turn-on, because that eliminates the "guilt" of wanting to crossdress (along the lines of "I'm being forced to do it, so it's not my decision to do it"--even though I would love to do it). So part of the submissiveness may be that it assuages his guilt of crossdressing (or not).

You sound like an accepting spouse in love with her husband. He hid a significant part of himself because he was afraid of the negative consequences--of which, there appear to be none. Tell him that, that you are willing to help him with makeup, and pick out something for him to dress in, and see what he says and does. And then go from there.

[lingerieLiz]

The fact that he was hiding his CDing is quite common. Often it is because they think that they will be rejected if the wife/so finds out.

[greeneyes]

Newnew...Just relax! A lot of crossdressers are straight..my husband is, although, I understand that you are afraid of that. Try to take it one step at a time, communicate often and fully and encourage him to do that to. If you need to chat, when you have more than ten posts you can private message me.

[Tracii G]

CDing has nothing to do with sexual preference and just because a guy likes to wear womens clothes doesn't mean he is gay or dressing is going to make him gay.
That is a general misunderstood thing about CDing so its common for people to think that.
Most men that CD are straight and married and have children.
I must add that you are trying to be understanding which is awesome but he may not know why he does what he does and can't answer why he CD's.
Some guys have guilt associated with dressing so getting them to admit it is a huge thing.

[Kas]

I was just scared if he could hold that secret for years. What else is he holding back.

This is completely understandable, but you have to think of the reason why it took him so long to tell you.

Do you think he was proud of what he was doing? I doubt it... The thing is, as a straight guy (your husband), we are well aware of the negative stereotypes surrounding crossdressing in general society... I mean at some point earlier in our lives we have maybe even pointed out or made fun of a crossdressers ourselves because we were raised to think they are "weird". Do you think he wishes he could of told you the first day you met? I bet he did. I bet he'd been wanting to tell you the entire time. The reason he didn't? Is because of this exact situation. It is SCARY as hell coming out to a partner... I know for the females side it's all about honesty, telling the truth etc. But as far as your husband was concerned the issue for him would be basically a 50/50 chance of losing his wife. I know it sounds bad, but a lot of guys would rather take a risk and hide it than basically throw your marriage into the air. I know eventually many people get caught anyway, but this is their original mindset. I know this because I am a straight
crossdressers who's fiancé caught them red--handed about a month ago. Lucky for me she is accepting and it's not an issue.

As for the gay part, I assume you have at some point in your marriage made him aroused, so how could that even be an option? Could be bi AT MOST! Gay is a very strong term.

[cdsamswife]

I think what the others have stressed about in their replies are very accurate. Communication is crucial..and if you think you might need a neutral third party you could look in to a counselling session with or without your husband. From personal experience I know my husband got very defensive a lot of times but sometimes he wouldnt even realize that small things he was hiding was hurting me. It was just second nature for him to hide certain things and to dress in secret because he had done it for so many years beforehand. I would have to point out the specific things that were bothering me before he would talk about it.

Again like the others, I cant really comment on whether i think your husband is gay or not but I think liking certain sexual acts is completely normal for a straight man regardless if he is a CD or not. Maybe you can discuss with him what your concerns are.. do you think he wants to transition ever? Maybe you can discuss setting a boundary for you two if you ever become uncomfortable with having sex while he is dressed too often. All the best! The first couple months after you find out are difficult... You are being amazing already by being here and researching about it!