Wife of a crossdresser

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi New New , I have been in this program for 71yrs. and I am strait and as macho as the next guy.>Orchid......

[Kayliedaskope]

First of all, Newnew, welcome to the forums, and thank you for being interested (or concerned) enough to come and take the time to ask your questions to people who are on all stages of their own personal journeys. It shows that you are intelligent and willing to research before making a decision that will not only affect your life, but his own, as well.

Like many others have said, the desire to crossdress does not equal a desire to be gay. Even the fact that he likes to bottom while he's dressed is not an indicator of being gay - all it means is that he enjoys bottoming while dressed. (For that matter, so do I.). Only liking other men, as in ONLY interested in men, period, is the indicator of being gay. I would say he is either bi or bi-curious at this point.

Believe him if he says he doesn't know WHY he does it. This is extremely important. He is NOT lying to you when he says "I don't know." In our world, the world of cross dressing, this really is an acceptable answer that can't be neatly compartmentalized. Many of us have been dressing for years, and we STILL don't know why, only that it feels good and we like it.

If you look around the forums here, you will find many, many posts about this same kind of situation: wife/gf/SO discovers husband/bf/fiancé/etc is dressing in secret/finds stash of women's clothing/makeup, is concerned he is gay/wants to transition to be a woman, is scared/confused/hurt/mad as hell ..... and so on. On the flip side of that is OUR situation: men are men, women are women, men are supposed to be tough and manly ... you've heard this all before. But where does that leave us, the men who like feminine things, the ones who enjoy the feel of soft and pretty things, the ones who love women so much that we want to be like them on occasion? Society says it's wrong, it's abnormal, it's "deviant behavior", that we are freaks ... and so we are taught to be anything other than a man is not acceptable. So we hide in shame and self-doubt, we have our deep dark secrets hiding in the closet or in the garage or attic where we hope no one will look, we hide behind locked doors and shuttered windows because all our teachings have told us "this is not normal behavior." To find someone who accepts this part of us - because it IS a part of us, it isn't something you can just tear out and toss away - is like the Holy Grail for CD'ers.

Support him. Love him. Be patient with him, and most of all, try to understand him and his need to do this. We are all like precious faceted jewels ... by sharing this secret with you, you've discovered another previously unknown facet. He is the same man ... just now a more complete version of that man you fell in love with and married.

[dawn459]

NewNew1819: I am a straight crossdresser at age 70 I came out
To my wife in a motel wearing red
Matching gowns we had sexwithout our gowns but I was 40
And she was 33.My point is when he finally dressed for you and sex
Was preformed If wives &So would
Let( her /him) know that they want
TovRroleplay&shop with her/him
There might not be as much hiding
And dressing alone. Do it while no
Children are even thought about&
Make it fun.

[immike]

Dear Newnew1819-
My name is Michael(Michelle).I am also a closet crossdresser,still a macho,all around good looking guy.I just wanted to feel a womans soft,silky clothing against my skin.I had often looked at beautiful women wearing a mini skirt,beige pantyhose.a silky soft blouse&
wondered how it would look&feel on me.I,one day,snuck into my mothers closet,after she left for work&picked out one of her short dresses&I stepped into a pair of her heels&looked at myself in her mirror on the door.The feel of the silky soft dress sent chills through my body&suddenly growing taller&walking in heels became fun.I was very careful to put everything back,so I would not be found out.This progressed over many years&each morning I would spend time in mothers closet,trying on her outfits&we are about
the same size,so nothing was stretched out&she never confronted me,but I was able to secretly try on all her dresses,slacks,all her silky blouses&tops each day after she left for work.One day I lifted a fresh pkg of her 1000 pairs of pantyhose out of her drawer
and put them on&picked out a short mini skirt&one of her silky blouses&a pair of her black 4' heels&spent several hours dressed,in the house,practicing walking in heels&enjoying the chills&obvious huge erection.I live alone,own my home&keep a sizable
stash of womens clothing hidden,but I still live a man's life&dress to relax,when I lock the house&close the blinds.

[char GG]

Welcome to the forum Newnew1819,
Only your husband can answer the questions you have. Some of the members here are telling you how they feel, whether they are not gay, bi, or whatever but only YOUR husband can answer for him.

I understand that you were alarmed by the hiding and that should definitely be addressed. Having to find out piece by piece is not a good start.

So, make sure the lines of communication are kept open. Accept what you are comfortable with and talk about what you are not comfortable with.

I'm sure that many women who just find out about deceitful behavior have divorce cross their mind. Hopefully you are able to work things out together.

Hugs!

[Michelle1955]

My 2 cents, in my case there is no connection between dressing and sexual attraction. I have been married 38 years, and been dressing on and off for almost 56 years and have zero interest in guys.

[LelaK]

I guess there are manly and unmanly ways to be a bottom. I enjoyed the idea of having my GF on top of me, but not with my legs open and her between them. I think that would be the unmanly way. I occasionally asked her if she'd like to lay on top of me, but I think she only did it once. Maybe it was because she thought I was acting gay. Nope. I wasn't. She didn't like me to crossdress, so I never did it when we were a couple. I'm not really interested in being manly. I'd rather look womanly, but not "act" so. I used to think I'd like to be a real woman, but now I'd rather be a woman with an appendage. Being a real woman would be my second choice.

What will Newnew and other S.O.'s do if their CD's start growing breasts? I found out there's an herb that supposedly helps guys do that, so recently I obtained a bottle of capsules of it and am now getting the foundations for breasts. I started taking them, one a day, about 2 weeks ago and I can definitely feel a lot of flab, but my chest still looks male. I think I'll quit as soon as they just start to look kind of female, because I don't want my family to see them. If I get an accepting GF, I think I'll probably go ahead and grow them bigger. I enjoy feeling them, but they're not as sensual as I'd like. I read online recently some young woman said men should grow breasts so they would be more caring instead of macho. I don't know if that would really happen, but I think it would improve men's appearances.

[Isabella Ross]

Chiming in with my two cents worth. In complete agreement with most of the posters in this thread: crossdressing or transgenderism is a completely different thing than sexuality. Your husband is most certainly not gay. But he may not be a completely straight arrow either. The question is, is there anything really wrong with that? I can't help but notice that so many people speak of being gay (or being anything other than entirely heterosexual) as if it's some kind of curse, and are so quick to offer assurances such as, "I'm 100 percent heterosexual!" There is often an implied bias against being gay here. Why so puritanical? And really, is there any such thing as a human being that is 100 percent heterosexual? I think there are sliding scales for both gender and sexuality, with every human being occupying some point on each...which are rarely at the polar ends. At this point in time, unlike past points in history and hopefully the future, we are way too hung up on sexuality. My own sexual preference is women, and masculinity does nothing for me, but I'll confess to occasionally daydreaming about being with someone similar to me -- that is, a CD or a feminine man. Why should that be such a big deal? And yes, I've been honest about this with my wife...who gets it. But she also gets that it's a fantasy, and because I'm in love with her and we have commitments to each other, it's not something I would actively pursue. I think many people on this forum, if they were to be honest with themselves, might have similar experiences and thoughts. And if so, it's OK!

[Babbs]

Well said Isabella...Sometimes the attitude of some here seems to be "I'm a crossdresser....but at least I'm not gay" I understand a wife's concern but the rest of us ought to chill on that. If you are somewhere on the sexuality spectrum that is not at an extreme end then so be it....it makes you no better or worse than anybody else.

[DaisyLawrence]

Please read Isabella's reply as she seems to have written mine for me, word perfect! Thank you Isabella.

Daisy x

[Mykaa]

Sounds like he & I are very similar in many ways, I cant answer for him as Im not him, sounds to me as this is a fetish, I thought a long time why I do what I do. I dont think many people would know what I do, Im a typical guy in most ways, not gay, I do like girls and yes what they wear. I know something thats been swimming around in my head recently is yes men/women are different, but I do think in many ways we are similar, the need for Love for example, maybe he would like you to treat him as you would want from him? The burden of shame & guilt with this can be very heavy and detrimental to someone who does this type of thing I can tell you Newnew, I have an ex now because I was found out & she couldnt understand me, honestly I couldnt understand me when I was found out even tho Ive been this way all my life. We have 2 kids and I have a very bad situation. Newnew coming here is a big step for you, seeking understanding can be hard. You know nothing great comes easy, if it was easy we'd all have the best of everything. I ask whats wrong with a guy being feminine, if he loves you & your willing to accept this part of him, Im not saying it'd be easy but even tho different isnt always your definition of what something should be, is it all that bad or wrong? Talking this out wont be easy, maybe even counseling will be needed, you'll learn things Im sure you wont want to know and it wont be easy for him either, I know this isnt fair as many here know the negative outcome of this type thing, I'll also add to that as it doesnt always end negative either, I have a few friends here some having met in person who have survived this as a couple, man/wife and yes they live a different lifestyle now but they have made it thru and still love each other, This will take time, a lot of patience and understanding. Im also open to more types of discussion if need be. I hope my insight to me helps you. Hope today is better.

[CONSUELO]

Dear NewNew1819,

First welcome to this site. If you are patient you will find a lot of resources here that will help you understand your situation. If you can I would suggest that you find a good counsellor. one who has helped cross dressers in the past and is experienced. Your husband needs help to understand his feelings and his needs and a good counsellor should help him "unload" as it were. I think his hiding and his anger may have to do with some feelings of embarrassment. Whatever the cause he needs to open up and try to understand himself. Then you can work out an accomodation that will work for the both of you.
You seem to be acting very patiently and being very strong in this situation. I wish you every best wish and hope that your husband will be able to open up and talk and explore and finally understand his own feelings.

[Helen_Highwater]

NewNew,

As a wife discovering her man's dressing by chance as it were you're not alone. That happens all the time if you read here for long enough. As for why it stays hidden, well for a great many, as it's been alluded to in other reply's, we live in a society that up until a decade or so ago portrayed Gays and Transvestites (that was the commonly used term) as figures to be made fun of, caricatured. There was a huge stigma associated with being labelled with either of those descriptions. While the LGBT movement has made great inroads by way of altering public perception those dark days still echo loudly with many.

Coming out is a traumatic thing to do. If it goes badly, i.e. divorce then so much that we've invested in, partner, home, possible loss of friendships, even shunned by family members, all this is at stake. Do not for one moment underestimate the feelings of guilt and shame many CD'ers carry. That stigma sits heavy with many and is possibly one of the biggest hurdles many CD'ers have to overcome.

As for the Gay thing. I have no empirical scientific evidence for this but my feeling is Gay CD'ers make up the same sort of proportion of the CD'ing community as Gays do in the general population. It is totally wrong however to make the link as many in the general population do that to be a CD'er you're by default gay. Not true, one of those big misconceptions. Just consider your own responses. Totally natural but your mind raced to the worst case scenario. Your man's worst fears were coming true right there in front of him. Don't feel guilty in doing that, as I said it's natural, we all tend to think the worst when suddenly confronted with situations utterly foreign to us.

My take on this is you've reach a stage were you can keep taking it through and over time between you you'll find an understanding and be in a more comfortable place. Stay calm and carry on.

[Kayliedaskope]

Is he gay? The correct answer is:
A) yes,
B) no,
C) maybe, or
D) all of the above.

No one ever said understanding why we do what we do when dressed was easy.

[CDPheobe]

Hello new new. Welcome to these forums. I can relate in a lot of ways but I can also bank on your CDing significant is straight as an arrow. Dont worry. With all you wrote, yeah hes not gay at all. Just has a hard time expressing himself to you. Listen very careful to him. Hold him and love him unconditionally. Hear what he is saying and things will be just fine.

[Devi SM]

Hi New New,
I'm bisexual and I don't know what was first the egg or the hem.
We'd been married for 39 years, three married boys, one grandson.
From a south american very homophobic country.
I came out to my wife two years ago because I love her and I couldn't keep living lying her every time I went out to a motel to dress and sometimes meet guys.
Of course the bisexuality was the issue and we agreed to never go with guys again and I'd be faithful to that.
If your husband is bottom makes me think things but that is my viewpoint as a bisexual guy.
I never thought that being with another man was cheating my wife because, for my mind, is something different.
Today we have very open sexuality, the road hasn't been easy but my advice is be open and love him but you have the right to ask for the same as someone already said here:

"Only your husband can answer the questions you have. Some of the members here are telling you how they feel, whether they are not gay, bi, or whatever but only YOUR husband can answer for him."

Each experience is different and not by my experience or opinion you can think your husband is gay or bisexual, neither because many here say and firmly hold they don't have interest in men, means that your husband doesn't have interest in men. So ask him to be honest but always based in the concept of you guys get married to live a LIFE forever together with the ups and downs, in richness and poorness, so why even think about divorce?
The divorce should be the result that the purpose in life just changed, no love, no respect, etc, but if you love him, if you believe he loves you, sex is great and add a new dimension that you like it, go for it but keep the sincerity and honesty, after all y he/she enjoys sex with you the guy es not homosexual.
Just read some books about transgenders, transsexual, go to therapy and keep your life...There are a lot of good books that we can recommend you so you guys can read together and may be he will identify with some of them, will learn more and be informed, knowledge kick fears out...

[Ashleyrobyn831]

As a transgender woman married to a woman, I encountered something similar with my wife early on--she was fully supportive of me being my true self, but she did go through a couple of phases when she would fear that I would eventually leave her for a man. In her case it was rooted in the worry that once I got more fully accustomed to life as a woman that I'd somehow feel it was what I was supposed to do, even though she knew I loved her and I obviously wasn't beholden to convention. All it took to get past it was a little time and patience, allowing her to naturally develop the assurance it wouldn't happen. I think in your case, odds are that the same will be true and in time you'll grow more confident with each month your fears aren't realized.
But I don't fault you in the least for those fears; I tell people all the time when they're embarking on new relationships to get their dressing or what have you out on the table right away, for exactly that reason. The longer you hide it, the more natural it is for your partner to wonder what else you've been hiding, and it can so easily poison what might otherwise have been a beautiful relationship, and fear of how your partner will react is no justification for lying to them.
I think it's admirable that you've sought to be supportive despite the feelings of fear and betrayal from his hiding things from you, and while I don't condone his deceit I think if you continue to keep the dialogue open and keep showing him he doesn't have reason to hide from you, over time he'll show you you don't need to fear him hurting you that way, and the whole experience may just strengthen and down your relationship in surprising ways.

[Cherylgyno]

There isn't an exact answer. Female clothes were a fetish for me during puberty but not before or after.
I have large breasts due to gynecomastia from meds. I love my D cup breasts. I am a straight male with breasts.
A therapist might help but if he isn't honest with you he won't be honest with a therapist.
I sincerely wish you the best. Please keep us informed.

[nikkiwindsor]

I'm like Shelly. My wife knows about my feminine side and she's supportive...like being ok with it. She's my only love and I'm immeasurably attracted to her and no one else...I've been dressing up and expressing my womanly side for years and years and I'm not gay. To say I'm complicated is an understatement. I value and appreciate my uniqueness! I hope you and your husband grow in your love and understanding for each other. I can honestly say that my feminine side has brought my wife and I closer together...only she knows about all of me and knowing that she loves me unconditionally for who i really am brings me much joy and peace! Nikki p.s. I hid my feminine nature from my wife for years even though I shared how I felt when we became engaged. I didn't want to hide things from her. But, I was ashamed and so scared that I'd lose her if she knew I was dressing up.

[ReineD]

My main concern is is he gay? He swears he is not but why does he like being a bottom and 2nd why does he still dress every night behind my back.

People tend to think of sexual attraction as either being gay or straight, which basically means getting off on being with another person, either same sex or opposite sex. But, there are other orientations. There are people who are more into fantasy scenarios than being with other people. Think of people who get off on, if not downright need in order to get off, one or several of the many practices of BDSM (bondage, or whipping, or being humiliated, etc), or any flavor of porn, or any number of the fetishes (feet, adult babies, feathers, the list is expansive). Some people who are into alternative things (they get off on things or situations that are outside of strictly being with another person) can have a great deal of fun if someone else participates in their particular preference, but some others don’t need anyone else at all. They are most gratified being alone with their fantasies having solo sex.

Read any book on sexual behavior and you will see there is a wide range of things that can get people off. The trick to a good sex life is to find a partner who gets off on things that compliment what you want. For example, a top with a bottom will feel more gratified more of the time than two tops or two bottoms together, who would have to take turns taking on the preferred role. Or, someone who likes to be spanked would be much happier with someone who likes to spank, as opposed to being with someone who hates it or feels neutral about it. If you can feel excited about your husband’s CDing, then you’ll both be satisfied.

So no, your husband isn’t into men just because he gets off on dressing. There are gay CDers just as there are gay non-CDers, but most CDers are hetero. Your husband gets off on imagining himself as a woman sexually. We’ve had many threads about members fantasizing about being with men, but this type of fantasy is more a counterpoint to the thrill of imagining oneself as a woman (that’s what gets them off), rather than any concrete attraction to any particular man.

When he is dressed as a girl he doesn't act any different . He doesn't have a girl name he just says it's a sexual thing. I am not sure. What should I do. Some days I think of divorce bc I am not sure if he is wanting to sleep with men. Since he likes to be a bottom at times. I am so lost.

The two of you should share your fantasies and see if you can find a complimentary ground. By this I mean enacting scenarios that excite both of you.

[Randi49]

Dear NewNew: If you read 7 habits of highly effective people there is story in the appendix about he and his wife going to the beach each afternoon while he worked on his doctorate. During that time they became closer than ever and opened up about things that made them what they were. To open your soul is the most intimate thing. To deny that builds a wall between you. I am getting ready to retire and be 24/7 with my wife, who I adore. She has known from the time we were courting that I am gender dysphoric. I don't just want to dress, i want to BE you. I just limit it. Others are right we are all different. I opened up with how i was feeling last month and that i would need to dress sometimes and asking if i could be more open instead of doing it only when she was gone. She started crying and said I wanted to be her girlfriend. I probably do, but that can't happen. In reality most ladies envy my wife the kind of attentive husband she has. It became clear that i couldn't share that side of my soul with her, something God made me because it was useful to Him. I can't change that. We have the most wonderful marriage that now has a wall, secrets, and unfufilled dreams behind it. Yes you're right your husband is a mocho man, he really is. So much so that the pendelumn swimgs all the way around and he wants to know what the other side feels across the gender gap. You have the most marvalous opportunity to have an intimacy few know. I will never have that. I will have to get my jollies elsewhere. I am here because I have no one else to talk to. That could have been my sweetheart.
Do I want to be made love to by a man? Unlike most here, Yes I do, but not as a man, as a woman, wife, and mother. To have children and a husband. That can never happen. So I live with what can be, dressing. Having sex with a man would violate both my covenants with her and my faith. That will never happen. I live through my wife. I play with toys as a bottom. It has changed how I make love, to her, because I know better how it feels for her. He probably just wants to know what you are experiencing. Ever see the movie What Women Want? It might be pretty good for a lady like you who loves your intimacy to have a guy who can be both a mocho man and wants to get into your head, to know what you feel and think.
I wish you luck, I think you are both on the crest of a wave that can lead to the most wonderful marriage of hearts and minds, or you can screw it up building barriers.

[Happygirl!]

ReineD,
Wow, I think you really nailed it. Especially the part about some CDs fantasizing about having sex with a man. Of course we occupy the whole spectrum of sexuality from gay, bi, hetero. And as you say, most CDs are hetero, so the fantasy is probably more driven by acting out the feminine role than the desire for same sex.
Happygirl

[Stephanie47]

I'm late to the thread. I can only say for a man to reveal and discuss a desire to wear women's clothing is probably the most difficult subject to discuss with a wife. This activity is so far outside the thinking of a wife when she is confronted with it the world seems to cave in. My wife and I are in a DADT relationship on this subject since the early 1980's. We had "The Talk" which is essential. Further, there should be on going discussions about it. My wife has chosen to totally ignore this side of me. No snide comments about me specifically or anything in general. It leaves me wondering what she is thinking. Her biggest issue was not having a person to confide in on this issue. Sort of the guilt by association thing society has. Maybe she and other women are afraid people would say "What's wrong with her? Why doesn't she divorce her husband?" If a woman is concerned about the activities or fidelity of her husband there are usually tell tale signs she has mentally decided to ignore. Everyone has fantasies. The issue is whether or not someone acts upon them. If a woman has a fantasy about a relationship with a woman that does not make her a lesbian. If she has a fantasy about a relationship with another man that does not make her an adulteress. There has to be some trust in a marriage or it will become a hell for both spouses.