I broke

[Maria 60]

I wrote a thread called "ITS SIMPLE, RIGHT? " and it was about how easy things would be if I could just keep my dressing indoors. I'm thinking that I don't want to become a women, I don't want to go out clubbing or socializing, I just feel so relaxed being dressed and enjoy feeling like a women when ever I can. Im thinking to myself my wife is OK with it and maybe without taking any unnecessary high risk and keep it indoors I could probably have a life time of happy dressing.
I have fought back a few temptations to go for a drive but it wasn't easy. Tonight I was sitting watching TV and my wife asked me " your dying to go for a drive, aren't you?" I didn't answer and she said that I'm so stressed with work and I look so tired and maybe a drive will do me good. She told me to be careful and if I'm feeling spontaneous I could put gas in her car and a carwash.
I decided to go, once all dressed and driving I was feeling disappointed with myself that I broke my promise to myself to keep it inn, but it felt so good and relaxing to be driving dressed. I stopped at the regular gas station and I got out of the car and WOW! what an amazing feeling of the outdoor air under the dress, I push carwash on the pump and start gasing up the car. Once done I put the pump back and I'm waiting for my receipt for the carwash and the pump screen read to go to attentent to get your receipt. OMG what do I do now, do I just drive away and lose $13.00 dollars or do I have to strip down and put on my male clothes to go get the receipt. I'm in no mood to strip down and now getting very angered at my bad luck that this never happened before, I look at myself in the rear view mirror and being upset not knowing what to do, I aggressively grab my purse and walk into the gas station. I find myself in line behind two men, my heart beating 100 mile a minute, I look down and see my toes peeking out of my reinforced pantyhose of the opened toe heels. I can't believe what I'm doing, the two men ahead of me pay for gas and turn and walk away, but thank GOD nobody even noticed me. I was so upset about this situation that I didn't even try to put on a female voice, the gas attendant was a middle aged Indian man, with a full male voice I told him "pump #4 I paid for a carwash and the pump is out of paper". This guy had an attitude like he would have rather been anywhere else then there, without even lifting his head or without a movement he pushes some buttons on his register and hands me the receipt without moving a muscle.
Now that I got my receipt and everything is OK I find myself walking to my wife's car hearing the clicking of the heels and not looking around and still in disbelief what I'm doing.
I get in the car and once in the carwash I call my wife and told her how proud she would be of me for what I have done and all my talk about keeping it indoors and I took my biggest risk ever.
She told me not to worry about it and if I thought anyone seen me, I told her I didn't look around I kept my head straight. I got home and she wasn't upset and believed I was so tierd I wasn't thinking straight and just got nervous and I didn't want to lose the money or get dresses so I took the easy route.
I tried to stay inn and not take the risk and I did the total opposite.
I'm have mixed feelings now, I feel disappointed with myself and on the other hand I have an excitement feeling of what I still don't believe I did and still have the vision of when I looked down at my feet.
I think it was easier to quit smoking then to keep myself from going for a drive again. I'm glad I wrote ITS SIMPLE RIGHT? but it didn't help.

[Tracii G]

Nothing wrong with getting out for a bit.

[Pat]

Not sure if it's appropriate to congratulate or commiserate. Whichever you prefer, I'll provide, but what are you doing to yourself, Maria? You have a harmless behavior that gives you comfort and you purposely deny yourself that comfort. I don't get it.

[Kas]

It seems to me you are over thinking things and bringing this stress onto yourself. If your wife was happy for you to go out, then what's the problem? Just take it as it comes.

[Allisa]

There's one good thing that came out of it all..you didn't lose $13.00.

[Aunt Kelly]

You don't seem ready to accept congratulations, Maria, so I will save those. I will point out though that your brief adventure did not result in angry mobs or the sun refusing to rise. You were not in any danger, at least no more so than in that same scenario in boy mode. No. Really. You weren't. You feminine appearance was such a non-issue that "nobody even noticed..." And if they had, the worst that was likely to happen would have been widened eyes and maybe a smirk.

I'm with Pat (yet again ). Stop beating yourself up and for goodness sake, stop imagining the world is so hostile to you, an anonymous MtF <insert label here>. Yes, one might legitimately be concerned about being outed to those who know you; family, friends, colleagues, etc, but that's another matter entirely. So relax, accept this part of who you are and embrace it. You'll feel better. I promise.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Tracii G]

Really why are you disappointed or mad at yourself?
You handled the situation just fine.
The Indian guy who cares what he thinks he is happy to get your money and he could care less who gives it to him.
I would call that a successful outing.

Why do guys always think they aren't allowed to enjoy life?
Being married too long and having to put up with BS and "like it" is probably why.
You are entitled to have fun too.

[docrobbysherry]

Told u it's simple!

Unless u make it hard!

[Teresa]

Maria,
I know you clearly say you don't wish to socialise but this would feel far more balanced if you had more of a reason than going for a drive and getting into a panic about having to confront a SA about picking up a receipt .

The first few minutes of meeting up with others can be unnerving , wondering if everything looks OK but once you start to chat and share a drink it's surprising how quickly you forget you're dressed and how comfortable it feels. Many wives attend our meetings so you don't have to exclude her , in fact she may enjoy it , to hear someone else relating CDing to their lives does get the whole situation into perspective . Many walk away saying there's nothing wrong with what we are doing , talking to the hotel and bar staff reinforces that point . OK I admit I do want more and may be going full time , again talking to TSs in reality can help bring those thoughts into perspective .

I admit sometimes I feel too tired to make the effort but every time I feel so good walking into the hotel I know I would regret the chance to dress fully and be out as Teresa .

[Majella St Gerard]

stress much?

[bridget thronton]

Thanks for sharing your story - you have a wonderful wife

[Maria 60]

Thanks everyone for calming me down alittle, since I told my wife thirty plus years ago she made it clear to me that nothing was wrong with me and that I'm not harming anyone.
At that point in my life I promised my wife I wasn't gay, I didn't want to become a women and I was happy in the closet and it seemed like I had things figured out.
But with my drives lately I feel I'm breaking my promise to my wife about keeping it in the closet and I can't keep my self from going.
I guess it's the fear of wanting more and where will it end

[Rayleen]

I know how you feel Maria, the first time it can be stressful, for me was going clothe shopping in male mode.
I was shaking and my heart pounded 100 mile an hour too. But after a few times, I got use to it.

[Diane Taylor]

Going public for the first time can be nerve wracking but each time you do it you'll become more comfortable and the stress level will melt away. On the other hand if dressing only indoors makes you happy that's OK too. When I came out I couldn't wait to venture outdoors and it was always a wonderful experience. Now, I'm 71 and don't get out very often but I dress at home every day and it keeps me happy.
You are one of the fortunate ones who has an understanding wife. many others can't even dress at home, let alone go out..........

[alwayshave]

Maria, good news you didn't loose 13 dollars and both your car and you are pretty....

[deebra]

Maria, you have a great wife, if all wives and females were like her we would be accepted. You will go out again, since your wife suggested it you aren't breaking a promise to her, being feminine has just progressed just like a girl doesn't stay a girl forever, she becomes a woman just as you want to get out. Next time when you go out dress more to blend. Girl jeans instead of a dress, low heel ankle booties, B bra. Since you will be going out dressing androgynous will give you more comfort and confidence and then it will be no big deal.

[Pat]

But with my drives lately I feel I'm breaking my promise to my wife about keeping it in the closet and I can't keep my self from going.
I guess it's the fear of wanting more and where will it end

But your wife is telling you to go. More than that, she's telling you you're difficult to deal with when you don't go. If you want to think about her, then take the drive. And what if you do want more? What if you want to sit in a McDonald's and eat a meal? What if you want to go to a theater and see the latest Marvel blockbuster? Presumably you're going to come back home, right? There's no requirement that trans folks destroy their home lives and relationships. Your wife likes you better when you do this. My presumption is that you are your "best self" when you do this and make life good not only for yourself, but for those around you. There's nothing to fear.

[ellbee]

So many things going on here, I don't know where to begin!

In which case, just some random thoughts...?


- The more one tries to resist something, the harder it's going to hit you. Stop fighting, and just ride the waves. Your peace of mind will thank you.

- Yes, things can & sometimes do "go wrong" when out & about. Fact of life. But when it does happen? Try to make the most of it, and even laugh at it all.

- Would you have felt/reacted differently if instead you had been behind 2 GG's in line -- and the cashier was a GG, as well? I'm not going to bash men, but yeah, sometimes they can have the "Really, dude? Come on, man..." kind of attitude/vibe/reaction going on, while treating you like you have a highly-contagious & quite symptomatic strain of leprosy or something.

- Related to the above: The more femme you're presenting (dress, heels, bright colorful floral prints, etc.), the potentially "worse" that can be. Oddly, on the flip side, if you're kinda hot & passable, while toning down the masculine voice/behavior? Sometimes guys will go a bit easier with that whole thing.

- Does your wife ever accompany you on these rides? Or take it further, and the two of you make an evening out of it somewhere? Things can be a whole lot easier when you have one or more people by your side -- and a heck of a lot more fun!

- Not every outing is going to be a great one. Again, stuff happens sometimes... While other times, you're riding high on cloud-nine. Gotta take the good with the bad.

- Never be afraid to expand one's horizons with this. Meaning: Try to switch it up every now & then. Whether it's a different time, different day of the week, different gas station... Heck, why does it even have to be a gas station? Different neighborhood/town, etc. Go exploring. Also, try to think ahead, and even make observations of who is/might be there... More men, or more GG's? Etc., etc.


Anyway, for whatever it's worth, keep in mind that many of us have already been where you have been. And guess what? We're still alive & well! Heck, some of us have done *waaay* more, in terms of frequency & degree. One can do some pretty ballsy stuff, when it comes to all this. I've had some experiences that people here may think I'm crazy for doing... Meanwhile, some here do things that I probably would have *never* done, even during my most-confident en-femme CD'ing "peaks" in the past.

But the point is, even though many of have been where you were this past evening, over time as we gain distance & perspective & further experience, we tend to look back at it & even get a good chuckle of out it. It really was no big deal, in the grand scheme of things. Sure, during & immediately afterwards? It was a *huge* deal! So, we may know what it's like & what you went through. But we also know that it ends up just being a little blip on the radar, when all is said & done.

As difficult as it may seem at the moment, it's really no biggie, so try not to sweat it!

[IleneD]

Congratulations, Maria.
I am so pleased for you. You're my hero right now; and welcome to The Club.
Just the initial adrenaline rush is worth the experience of doing it. And the confidence building is fantastic.
Yes, you're hooked now. You will be out driving, then out shopping and going into dressing rooms (to try things on), and then to the grocery store, post office, etc. In other words you will be more You as you become accustomed to being You in real life. That real life has places to go and things to do. And as your Wife sees you en femme more and more, she too becomes more comfortable with "it". It's interesting that your beloved Wife who knows about your CD and sees you around the house en femme reads you like a book enough to notice you squirming about. She picked up on your need to spring forth outdoors. It's only a matter of time before she embraces your new life to the extent of inviting you OUT together. I hope mine goes there someday!! LOL!

A sweet story, and no need to sweat it out in public in most retail establishments. They don't care and unless you try to rob the place they have no need to remember you personally.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Great post, LauraBabe.
Love your insight, experience and wisdom on this one.

[SherriePall]

Outdoor air on skirt or dress covered legs can become addictive. That's all I'm saying.

[Stephanie47]

Maria, I think your reactions are totally normal. It's great you have an accepting wife. Maybe after thirty years of marriage she is a good judge of your behavior. The way I see it going out en femme is like the little kid who does not have permission from his mother to cross the street. It's too dangerous with all the cars whizzing by. But, there is the urge to go forth. So, the kid crosses the street and finds he survived. He liked the adventure. However, he is still afraid his mother may find out.

It took me awhile to go out for a night time drive. Then I got out of the car and strolled around. The only time I did interact with humans was on Halloween. On occasion the draw to go out and at least stroll through a safe neighborhood is still there, although I know it really does not accomplish anything other than fulfill an urge. I do enjoy the cool evening breezes playing with the skirt of my dress. Still in the end I really have not accomplished anything. I do prefer to spend my femme time indoors where I do get things accomplished..all those domestic chores. I'm sure when my wife takes a week long visit to see her cousin out of state I'll be drawn to the street.

Frankly, when you say you think you're violating some sort of pledge to your wife, you're really using her as an excuse. I suspect you'll always be a little uneasy going out en femme because you know it violates societal customs and norms.

[LeannS]

Maria at least your wife will encourage you to go out and that is something to thank her for

[kimdl93]

As one who has on occasion struggled with inner conflicts about who I am and how far I can allo myself to express myself, I understand. I also understand that there are differences between limits set for safety or out of consideration for others, and those that are a form of self discipline verging on self abuse.

Its great that that you are considerate of your wife’s feelings, but not so great if you put needless stress on yourself or her by imposing excessive constraints on yourself.

[katiej1989]

I think its deplorable that a person like yourself would dare go OUT IN PUBLIC where you didn't bother or hurt anyone and it made you FEEL GOOD. Honestly going out is a massive drive because we want to not only look nice but experience the world as girls. It shouldn't be something to be ashamed of or to feel like you 'broke.' Be happy with yourself and who you are, and enjoy being Maria out in the world.

[Jean 103]

I remember those feelings, for me it was only a few years ago. Walking into a brightly lit store and standing in line was one of the hardest things for me to get use to. The first few times I went out it was very stressful. Sitting in the car trying to get up the nerve to walk into a store.