So. I have decided to transition this year. And I am still not prepared to begin my physical transition but I am steadily incorporating a more relaxed mindset into my life (letting go of the hyper masculine persona) even while presenting as male and presenting as female more and more publicly. This weekend I took a trip up to DC to stay in a hotel and have 3 whole days to entirely be in femme. It was amazing. I enjoyed being just me for a whole weekend. I didn’t even get any work phone calls where i had to use my male voice. I didn’t really hit the town much but when I was out I was greeted and referred to by female pronouns. I am surprised at how much joy that gave me. I was complimented by three different men in passing and while i have no interest in them it just felt very validating. I did get some odd stares and I’m sure i heard snickering a time or two but the positive has far outweighed the negative in my mind. I am so happy and feel much more confident. I am disappointed that it’s back to the drudgery of being in drab and playing the part for a while longer but My inner woman got some much needed nurturing this weekend. I am so excited about the times to come thay I can resume being myself.
While it was terrific there are some things I have to consider now. The main point of this weekend was not just for girly fun like going clubbing in a cute dress or getting my nails done. The point was to not rely on the safety of my male persona and to confront that while I do present well at least for a long time I won’t be entirely passable. I needed accept that even though i know I’m a woman that’s not what everyone will see when they look at me. So even during the day shopping for groceries or sitting at a restaurant I can be comfortable not because I pass but because I don’t care if I pass. Largely I think I did well. I went to the movies. I went to stores during the day. I even engaged passerby’s in conversation. I did experience some hesitation about a few things. I found myself thinking about where i parked. I wanted to be sure I could park somewhere that I wouldn’t be trapped if I were confronted by someone. (Sadly that is a fair consideration to take in the world we live in) also later in the evening I when I considered going out for drinks I didn’t want to drive as far as the nearest gay bar (where I’m accustimed to feeling very safe) and I wasn’t brave enough to go into a straight bar. I thought being alone around mostly straight people who have been drinking was risky. I still think it’s a reasonable thing to be aware of but I want to get to the point that I don’t feel restricted by thoughts like that at all. Anyway. Over all the weekend was teriffic.
By the way my reference to a straight bar or straight people was meant to describe a cis/hetero normative crowd. I’m aware that a trans woman who likes men is in fact straight and that being trans does not automatically have any bearing on orientation. trans people come in all types and orientations.
