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Thread: A re intro since people don't undestand me and they are right Lets clear the air

  1. #1
    MissSwissMiss LexiNexi's Avatar
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    Post A re intro since people don't undestand me and they are right Lets clear the air

    I go by lexi on this forum and in my dreams. Im a 30 yr old straight male with bipolar and some physical health problrms like out of whack endocrine function for female AND male sex hormones but genetically im XY.
    This forum means a lot to me and it’s the first time I have had people who I can say “YES that’s exactly what its like and how I feel. “ And all the members give good loving advice back. Truth is told when it might not be what I want to hear but always with non judgemental love and compassion. For the first time in my life I am not alone in being confused over my gender identity. I have never told anyone this and to be able to trust a bunch of strangers over the internet proves how good humanity can be and how we (I) am not alone in this struggle that for year I thought was just a terrible disease was born with. Something never to be acted upon or brought up as its worse then not normal its morally wrong. That’s what I was taught in church that I had an illness brought on not ny a pathogen but by my choosing. Everytime I had this feeling I was choosing to be a bad person even though I couldn’t control it anymore then I liked apple pie.
    Then I turned to a teenager and still had these feelings. I had to hide them in school as I didn’t want to be the morally wrong pervert who is choosing to do the wrong thing. So I put the feeling in the box and became my worst enemy telling my self I was sick and letting myself feel that way I was being weak and giving into sin.
    Then I get a little older and denounce the hatred of the church but still “I’m just you straight macho guy with the hot girl friend doig manly things. Not because hey feel right but because that “right “ I feel is actually a disease and it easily cured by not doing it. “How hard is it to act like man and not do this girly faggot shit?” "Effing loser homo grow a pair” I was once told for makin a referanc to doig some thing I considered kind and the right thing t do. But you are young and they are right. Men don’t act like sissies or bitches unless they want their asses beat.
    In the next ten years I would battle with going blind as I found a place that could restore down to 20/20 for years until one day I went there a few years ago and they said “That’s it” “What do you mean that’s it?” “You are at the limits of our technology and the best we can do is 20/100 and its going to et worse for few more years. This came at the height of my most successful business I owned to date. If I wasn’t at that business 60 hrs plus a week it would just slip then die. Which it did as I tried to give more responsibility to people who would handle things I couldn’t see. Bye Bye Mazarati that is only on its second oil change and expensive house in the third richest county in the US. Even with me pulling off miracles and damage control I had to sell it for 450000 as I couldn’t run it and NO ONE was competent to run it except one partner who whas just about to become a radiologist MD so he was done too.

    So go ahead several years to now when Im thirty: I have seen the world lived the life been successful at American business made money had girl friends owned lots of land sports cars, businesses, homes, vacation homes and every aspect of the American dream I thought I needed but didn’t and I’m starting to realize in getting old (at age 30) yes I am old health wise. I have been shot twice and was told by doctors I was going to die. I suffered two more accidents where I wasn’t supposed to live ( had my height reduced from 5’8” to 5’3” watched my muscles atrophy away and see the estrogen in my body start making me soft. Then I would be in a coma, then I wouldn’t be able to walk. Oh yeah that vision thing buy this point is terrible and I can’t do a lot around the house. So two years later (hours and hours of PT doc visits surgeries nursing holes) to present day I have 90% mobility although I’m reduced in stature: had my “man hood” taken away. My body shrunk down from lack of test and estrogen taking over in the healing process making my body hair thin and getting excess “softness” in my arms hips and thighs and breasts. What happened to being a manly man even when I feel like a girl and my mind keeps telling me I have wicked impure disires that are out of sync with nature and the bible that I was taught would be my salvation assuming you stay the sex you were born and don’t even thing sbout impure thoughts. So now I’m well enough to go back to college again and pull off a four year degree so I am not a Burden on the state like so many people who are injured end up becoming. No F that. Just because I can’t see and my physical stature has changed: Im 5’3 now and lost all my muscle tone and my endocrine system is acting up releasing estrogen and making me soft and I have almost no male hormones except the ones I force into my body. These have been exacerbated by the injuries.
    That’s a short taste of the nutshell of my life. So things happen fast. I make a lot of posts rapid fire then I go away in shame and depression thinking how I need to be a real man and just cut out this girly shit throw away those clothes and don’t hand out on those sites on the net go workout at the gym pick up some hot chicks like you used to and when you feel sexually frustrated abnormal just have sex with her. You have always had hot girls in the past whats stopping you now? So I feel that way and won’t post. Or Ill get manic and start to see the right way but then goover the top.
    But as of late I have seen what I need to do. I need you guys to help guide me through and with this and become who I truly am. No more fighting/ macho man denial. I have earned so much just from reading little blurbs and seeing the pretty pictures of the beautiful members that changed not chained from something but finally finished changing into what they were supposed to be.
    Thank you.
    Last edited by Nigella; 11-17-2017 at 11:24 AM. Reason: edited word filtered words
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  2. #2
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    Hey lexi,

    Great post! As you know I know exactly what you're going through. I didn't know about your bi-polar, but I am on anti-anxiety meds and it honestly wouldn't surprise me if I am bi-polar too (never been tested).

    Since I started accepting my girly side as part of who I am it helped a lot with my mental issues. When I dress I feel like all of my problems go away and I can just be me. It's weird though, because I never even knew "me" until I accepted this side of myself. I thought I did, but I didn't. It's like my whole life has been a lie up until this point and finally now I know who I really am. It sounds crazy but I hope you understand what I mean. And it does feel good to be the opposite of what you were always told to feel or act. To face your fears and embrace the negative comments as affirmation of your new self.

    Anyway i hope everyone here will be supportive of whatever you choose to do.

  3. #3
    Curmudgeon Member donnalee's Avatar
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    Sometimes what's seen as a drawback is actually an opportunity.
    ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!

    "The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)

  4. #4
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    Personal experience - find a tough, don't BS me therapist, and walk in with no intention of being anything less than perfectly honest dealing with her.
    On line boards are helpful, but not the same.

  5. #5
    Emerging Diva Nikki A.'s Avatar
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    Lexi I don't know what to really say other than I hope things get better for you. First of all get the negativity out of your life. This isn't sinful or perverted and repressing it only makes matters worse. See a therapist and get a solid emotional footing.
    We are all rooting for you and know we are here to help.
    I felt the same way, the guilt etc. I saw a therapist (my wife thought it would help me stop). After meeting with him for a few meetings. He asked me one question " Does it feel good to do it and what is the downside to expressing what you feel?" I know my limits and just realize that this is a part of me

  6. #6
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    Hi Lexi i think youre taking the first step to accepting who you are by writing the post you have in the first place. I have lived with a husband with Bi Polar so know the manic stages and the down times and i honestly think that in itself is alot to cope with emotionally as its hard enough us trying to work out what we are who we are when we dont suffer with an illness. My daughter is brain damaged blind and has muscular atrophy too so i have seen how this causes the body to change dramatically too...she is a former shadow of the chubby girl she once as and it is scarey so i can only imagine how you feel when its happening to your own body.
    You are amongst hundreds of people on here most of who are probably wondering exactly the same ...i am and im a GG but confused as to why i feel how i do about the dressing. It`s something that most of will never get an answer to but if you enjoy it then do it. People will always judge and say you should be this or that but at the end of the day you can only ever be you and what you feel inside. Trying to fight it will only make things worse and cause more turmoil. Easy enough to say if youre not bi polar as its hard enough battling the two sides of that let alone your sexuality but just bear in mind that you are amongst so many people here that do understand and dont see it as wrong ....chin up hun and just be yourself xxxx
    `There is no better way to find out if your taste in clothes is good than seeing somebody that dresses wearing the same outfit!!`

  7. #7
    MissSwissMiss LexiNexi's Avatar
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    Ok so its the nest day. My mania has gone away I can type at a reasonable speed. Around my bed room are scattered dresses and my face has hints of pink on it. This is the hard part: My life is so complicated just due to my health. I had to move back in with my mother two years ago because Literally couldn't walk and now I can't physically do crap or drive anymore.

    I think my eyes are girly and it this feature that makes me want to look like a girl.

    Anyways I am asking my self "Really with all the bullshit you are going through now and will have to, do you really want to add to it?" I have used my appearance to get alot of my successes in life. Sorry but if you are trying to close a big business deal or drawing in new clients its going to not really work if you don't fit the look. I used to sell insurance in the south by visiting people at their houses. Try that in drag. Sorry its not going to work.

    Also y family is very liberal and accepting and I did tell them this once when I was in fifth grade that I wanted to be a woman and to this day that strikes fear in me. My mother thinks its because I thought if I was a girl the kids wouldn't make fun of me and thats why I said it.

    Anyways I'm trying to get into see a psychologist at my doctor that deals with these issues and alot of the staff is transgendered themselves. But I don't want to start only associating with trans people to make me feel less weird. Blind people do this and call normal people "sighted people" like their not the ones with the disease. They become dilutional that their condition is not a big deal and start to ignore that the world isn't blind friendly. They end up making blindness their entire lives going to blind meeting blind school blind activities blind sports. By doing this they are not people with a trait they have become that trait.

    It takes alot of balls to tuck your balls away behind lacy underware.
    Last edited by Nigella; 11-17-2017 at 04:54 PM. Reason: The deleted paragraph was downright rude and you are lucky it was just deleted and no other action taken
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    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    I t can be very difficult for us with religious issues. I have stopped dressing for a while, hoping to be busy with other things.

  9. #9
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I can't give any advise, Lexi. As I'm simply a CD and my life has been one lucky coincidence after the next!

    I CAN tell u this: I'm over 70 and you've got a LONG WAY TO GO! Assuming your health and attitude let u.
    Every day I wake up, I'm thrilled for yet another day!
    Because one day I won't. One day none of us will!

    So, don't worry about the woulda, shoulda, couldas. Concentrate on, "Yes, I can do that!"
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  10. #10
    MissSwissMiss LexiNexi's Avatar
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    THANK YOU ALL YOU KNOW WHAT i DID: all caps because this is huge:

    After reading this thread I came out in full drag to my mother. Two days ago doing that would have been terrifying (still was but I did it). I told her that I am going through a change. I called my doctor.

    On monday I am meeting with a doctor and GID LGBTQ psychologist one of only three in the state who signs off for SRS and do full treatment from HRT and actual SRS to the counseling and group that goes with it. They do this all on site and have group classes and one on one and walk pwoplw through the whole transition. Could have never have had the courage to do it without the warm responses from this thread. If they determine HRT is right for me I'll document as a FYI for everyone else to see on this site!!!

    Maybe a year from now my name will legally be lexi. I already tld them from our hour long phone pre interview today (real GID cert. psyDs talk to you on the phone) told them I would never go 100%. I am keeping my manhood: that way I will think of myself as not just another girl but a rather like a unicorn best of both worlds.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Oh I just measured myself. I have been lying about my height to the doctor saying 5'8" because thats what I used to be. Im 5'2" 125 lbs. Imagine I was 5'8" at 185 of pure muscle martial arts fighter two years ago. I was devastated when people told me I had lost height I guesstimated 5 4 or 5 5 I refused to let the doctor measure me. But you know what? 5'2" 125 is the perfect height for a girl. This feels as good as thinking I grew back to 5'8" 185 body builder. If I was 5'8"185 I would NOT make a very good looking girl. Who would of thought a crushing change to my body is actually something Im glad to have. My ideal girl is 5"2' 125 now I get to be that ideal girl. No more looking at my girl friend while we are having sex wishing I was her. Now I get to be her. Think of how many transpeople wish they could get their height reduced but keeping their legs long? A curse became a wish.Thats why I think this accident was supposed to happen. I would never feel right as a girl if I was big and tall(ish). This shrinkage is gods way of telling me: here's the body size you always wanted: you just have to paint it and make it look pretty.
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  11. #11
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LexiNexi View Post
    I go by lexi on this forum and in my dreams. Im a 30 yr old straight male...
    So how old are you REALLY??? You were 35 last July.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  12. #12
    Hellion on Heels Kayliedaskope's Avatar
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    Sara J, shhh ..... she's celebrating anniversaries of her 21st birthday. Just roll with it.

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    I’m still trying to figure out how you lose 6 inches of height.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Jaymees22's Avatar
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    I believe the bi-polar part, the rest I'm not so sure. Please see the therapist ASAP.
    I enjoy being a boy, being a GIRL like me!!!

  15. #15
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
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    I'm with Jamees22 on this. Definately not so sure about any of it. Also Dava76 has a very valid point. Finally, if I had splashed out for a Maserati, I would definately know how to spell Maserati. Alarm bells ringeth here.

  16. #16
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    To the last few posters... None of those details are important, true or not and it seems you are just trying to make fun of Lexi. Obviously she is having issues which is why she made this post to begin with. C'mon...

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