Have you been with a guy? (Posting my question again after 2 years) :)

[mbmeen12]

I wish the Forum has a more secure, and devoted to JUST MEMBERS

I too agree and I get these funny feelings about these questions. It seems like I am looking/taking a robo call.

[Vintage4sarah]

I fully support IreneD's post !! Once upon a time wasn't there a thread/section that fulfilled her idea?

[Pat]

I'm sympathetic to the idea of a members-only forum for "advanced" crossdresser issues. Write to the administrators (Sandra, Tamara) and push for it if you want it. They do listen.

[Tina_gm]

Isn't there already a members only forum, the GM forum?

[Nigella]

Private forums are available for Genetic Males, Transsexuals and Genetic Girls, you can apply to join the appropriate one via your settings control panel. The issue with having a private forum is by its nature it is not open to all members, only those that fit the criteria

[Donna June]

I have a friend who use to crossdress, says he doesn't anymore and I believe him. We take girlfriend / boyfriend type pictures together. It's a lot of fun and does make me feel more feminine. He holds me tight, for some of the photos and gives a quick kiss when he leaves, but that is it, no hanky panky. He would like to take it farther, but as of now, I won't. I do love the pics, when I see myself with him, on his lap, his arms around me, arm in arm etc.

[Alice B]

I agree that this post should be here for all to see. The vast majority of cross dressers have fantasy's about being with a member of the opposite sex, often while self pleasing themselfs, knowi g they would never act upon it. Reading the posts of those that are open about the topic is very informative about varied attitudes. I always preach about honesty with your spouse or SO and being honest with each other is just as important.

[Tracy329]

great point Alice!

[Tina_gm]

1st, to answer your question, no. My cding has no sexual element to it. I am not saying there couldn't be, but I have never ventured there, haven't felt any need to. Whatever the actual percentage is of cis gendered men who have SSA of any kind (fantasies) the numbers typically are thought to be somewhere between 5 and 10 percent. Of those of us anywhere on the trans spectrum (genetic born men) It certainly wouldn't surprise me if the number who had any SSA might so much as double. That though would still make it a significant minority. Ask the question have you and it seems like the whole board will answer yes. Ask those of us who haven't and don't care to, again, it seems like the whole board will say that too. I do think though that by the very nature of who we are, it makes it at least a little bit more likely that we experience some sort of SSA. Is it the dressing that makes us feel this way, no. But maybe it is whatever that leads us to dress in the 1st place may also lead us that way too. It is more likely that a masculine person will seek a feminine sexual partner and vice versa, but not always.

[faltenrock]

I support the idea of Irene. This is an extremely private subject!!!

On quite many occasions when out and about I was confronted with guys who wanted to get close to me - too close. They wanted to touch me, kiss and take me home. It sure feels kind of nice to be accepted and admired, we like attention. However, like most of us, I'm heterosexual and not up for that.
Most guys who wanted 'something' are quite clearly CD, TV, TS admires and have a kind of fetish.

I feel much better meeting and talking to people and keep it that way.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You seem to be confusing 2 totally different subjects, or that's my reading of your final paragraph; 'struggling to accept dressing as a natural part of me', and feelings about dressing up after 'being' (presumably sexually) with a guy.

You need to deal with the first one before trying to understand where you are with the 2nd, and once you've dealt with those, the answers to your 6 questions will become obvious.

[Krisi]

I'm sympathetic to the idea of a members-only forum for "advanced" crossdresser issues. Write to the administrators (Sandra, Tamara) and push for it if you want it. They do listen.

Please define "advanced crossdresser"?

In some ways, I feel like I am an advanced crossdresser because I've been doing it for a good while, I do it often and I have a lot of "stuff" to change my look into that of a woman. At the same time though, I don't live as a woman, I don't go out in public often and only my wife knows about my hobby. Maybe I'm not an "advanced crossdresser".


As for the original thread subject, that's interesting. We already know that there are several gay members here and we should assume that they have been with a man. That's their sexual preference regardless of what they are wearing. Some folks here identify as bi-sexual and that's OK too. And it implies that they have been with a man.

What is often misunderstood, especially by non-crossdressers is that dressing like a woman doesn't make one gay or mean that he is gay. It also doesn't mean he wants to become a woman or live as a woman. Some of us do, of course, but most do not. We just enjoy doing it for whatever reason.

Some of us have fantasies about being a woman and having sex as a woman (with a man), but the majority of us never act on those fantasies. Probably the most obvious reason is that we don't have "woman parts" so we couldn't really experience it fully. Another is, many of us are married and this would be cheating. And of course, most of us aren't attracted to men even if we're wearing a wig and a pair of boobs.

To finally answer the question, No, I have not been with a man. I've never done anything sexual or romantic with a man. As Krisi or as Homer.

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Leonal; In answer to your query; I am a crossdresser, not bi or interested is becoming bisexual. Not to say I haven't watched a good looking man before either. That said:
1. Have you ever been with a guy?
No
2. Does it make you feel more feminine and a bit more motivated to dress up after being with a guy?
Never been with a guy, so no.
3. Did you feel guilty?
About crossdressing, sometimes, but in general no.
4. Did you feel stuck/addicted and do you think there is a way back if you want? From crossdressing, yes I have felt stuck, I have purged, and stopped dressing for a time but it is in me, I have always come back. The pink fog is a reality for me.
finally,
5. Did it help you in accepting your crossdressing as part of you and feel more natural? This place has helped me come to terms that I am not weird, and that the pink mist is a reality for many here. I am a Crossdresser! A closet case but a crossdresser.
6. How does it feel like standing next to a man on your heels and all dressed up? (Most women I know dress up only for dates and on for special occasions) Never been it this situation, I guess it would depend on why I was there and where we were. I hope I would feel at ease and if not to move away.
Good luck with your search and self exploration. There are a lot of great people and good advice here; hope you find what you are looking for.
Sincerely, Brenda

[Kristy 56]

Came pretty close once,but got cold feet at the last minute. So still remains a fantasy.

[mirima1992]

Over the last 2 years I have been feeling a need for straight male attention, I don't know if it makes me feel validated or what. I've been posting on reddit and received compliments and offers to meet, but have always declined. But last month I was going to Chicago, so I put an ad on craigslist under casual encounters. I got 21 replies and after a little vetting settled on a very muscular, straight, asian guy. We met in the hotel bar, had a couple drinks, and went upstairs. Strictly oral, and in short order he was on his way. I did feel more feminine, and there was no guilt. I must admit I could see myself getting addicted to the rush of arousing a straight guy and bringing him to completion, as it was a huge thrill! And I am completely straight. I't doesn't matter as far as acceptance because I've known for sometime this is who I am. It was enthralling being out with a big, masculine guy all dressed up in heels and full makeup. Especially walking to my room holding his arm, I felt so feminine.

[Stephanie43]

I’ve never been with a guy and have never been attracted to men. However.....

I love anal sex (receiving), which frankly is pretty frequent. Although I’ve always flown solo in this department, my wife knows I do it and doesn’t care that I have my own assortment of toys.

I started playing around “back there” at a young age and have loved it from the beginning. I was excited when I became old enough to actually purchase a toy, which was your average size male anatomy.

Wether I’m in full femme mode or not, in my mind I am female during the actual “play time”. Even tho I’m 100% heterosexual, I’ve occassional wondered what it would be like to feel the real deal.

[Marianne S]

Leona, I hope nobody minds LONG posts here! But I did feel your questions were worth considering in detail. In response to Ilene's and others' concerns about privacy, I can only say I hope any wives reading this post would find it reassuring rather than otherwise!

I have to answer No to your first question. I've never had sex with a guy, but like some here, I do find it an attractive fantasy. Mind you, at this stage of life I don't believe I'll ever seek to try it in reality, and there's more than one reason for that! But your situation is different, so I hope my thoughts on the topic might be helpful. How are we similar and how do we differ?

First, I am a straight guy although I do have that fantasy of being with a guy as Marianne. In your post on this topic back in August of 2015 you also said you were a "straight guy." But now you seem less certain of that, as if you're still exploring your sexual orientation as well as your gender identity.

So what does it mean to be "straight"? Well, as you said in your earlier post, you'd "never ever ever thought about [sex with] a guy before," and that was true of me too for a long time. When I hit puberty I promptly became conscious of an attraction to girls, and never for one moment to guys. I wanted to "make love" to girls in the usual way, never in any way to a guy.

People don't always pay enough attention to the multiple dimensions of our sexuality. It wasn't just that I found girls erotic, "sexually arousing." There's a whole social and emotional dimension, a far larger "romantic" element to this attraction in terms of hearts and flowers, huge and kisses, "you're the darling of my life" and "Come live with me and be my love," as Shakespeare put it. In other words, relationships and marriage. I always felt that way toward girls (and women)---and never had feelings of that kind toward a man. I still don't. I can't imagine having those same "romantic" feelings toward a man, or wanting to live with a man in the same way as I've enjoyed living with a wife. To me, that's all part and parcel of what it means to be "straight," irrespective of whatever oddball fantasies I might have as Marianne.

What all this meant in my mind was that from puberty onward I always saw myself having a girlfriend in the future, being in a "relationship" of some kind--and eventually getting married, which is what I did. That's of paramount importance because it's about our major life goals. So it's a matter of priorities.

At the same time, I've been CDing in secret since I was twelve or thirteen. This was always erotic for me, though I'm sure there was always more to it than the fetish factor. It also became bound up with fantasies I had about "lesbian" sex with a more dominant female partner. I don't know if that's anything like your own attraction to "women of power," but at that time I never thought at all about sex with a guy. It was years before I ever began to entertain that idea.

An interesting question here is "why did that change occur? What made the difference"? I can't be sure of course, and I sometimes wonder if certain aspects of "who we are" and "what we want" simply take time to emerge as we mature, not just in our teens but through our twenties and all through life. However, it seems to me that our sexuality makes itself apparent quite early. I gather for instance that most people who are gay realize it early on, just as I realized my own urge to crossdress early on. So if some aspect of our sexuality seems to be delayed in emerging, it may be because we're actively repressing it, or anyway inhibited from exploring it fully.

I think that's part of what Samantha described here, and I suspect that was true for me. Certainly I regarded my CDing urges as uncomfortable and inconvenient all through my teens, and went through the same cycle of periodic purges just as she did--just as so many of us did! Back then I wanted this urge to "go away," and hoped one day it would. And what I hoped was that it would go away once I was in a "normal relationship." I hoped it would disappear when I got a "regular girlfriend." I hoped it would disappear when I had sex for the first time. It didn't, as we all know. Finally I hoped it would disappear when I was having sex regularly.

Well, that didn't happen either! In my mid-to-late twenties I was in a relationship with a woman I was living with, but after the initial surge of excitement about that, back came the old impulse to dress, and since I'd purged my feminine wardrobe when we moved in together, I couldn't resist the urge to slip into her skirts and blouses, dresses, bras and panties when she wasn't around. The trouble was, judging from her reactions to certain things, I was pretty sure she would never have accepted my CDing. In any case we did have other incompatibilities, so the relationship did not turn out to be permanent. Luckily the woman I was later to spend my life with was much more accepting.

It was only after that happened that I started entertaining the fantasy (at least) of having sex with a man as Marianne--though not (again, for more reasons than one) any serious intent to actually try it out. My theory about that change, for what it's worth, is that full and free self-acceptance is an essential prerequisite to fully exploring one's personality, needs and desires, especially in the sexual arena, which can be a minefield of guilt and inhibitions.

What I believe is that sometimes we're forced to come to terms with ourselves when we're face to face with reality and there's no longer room for "denial." In part that's what happened to me when I learned that nothing was going to make my urge to crossdress "go away." I had no alternative but to accept that reality. However, I do feel that being in a later relationship with greater compatibility also helped with self-acceptance. I do see parallels with the eventual self-acceptance that Samantha described in her own post, which I very much appreciated no matter that we may be treading different paths in life.

In spite of that fantasy about sex with a man, which first emerged when I was thirty years old, I know I'm still not, in any sense of the word, "gay." The emergence of the fantasy never changed the fact that I still could never imagine "falling in love" with a man in that broader, "romantic" sense, or wanting to "live with" a man in a mating relationship. Nor would I ever want to have sex with a man in a male role; only as Marianne.

And if I never sought to experiment with making the fantasy a reality, perhaps the biggest reason for that was a matter of priorities, as I mentioned earlier. My first priority, what I always wanted for myself, was to be a "normal male" and to live with a woman I loved. That's what I wanted out of life--career and other goals aside. And being lucky, for which I'm grateful, that's what I got. But sex with a man, even as an experiment, doesn't fit with those priorities.

Now, how does this relate to you? For one thing you're single, which I was not at your age, so right now you're freer to experiment. For another, whether or not you're thinking of transitioning at some point, being "out" as a crossdresser and in public is apparently a more important goal for you than it was for me. But how about the sex angle?

Four and a half years ago you said you were a virgin, and I don't know if that's ever changed. Then too, although you called yourself a "straight guy" in 2015 when you last posted this questionnaire, this time you said you "don't feel attracted to girls like a man does." What's more, it sounds to me as if you turned down the chance to date two beautiful girls who liked you. I'm not precisely clear what happened there: whether you declined the opportunity for some reason connected with CDing, or whether you told them you were a CDer and that led them to back off. What I do think is that in your situation I would never have done that, especially if I'd reached my late twenties without ever having sex with a girl. I'd be raring to go! As for the crossdressing, while I appreciate that honesty with a potential partner may be high on your list, my approach would have been to explore the dating relationship first, find out if this was a girl I could not only get on with, but also trust with my "secret," then let her know.

If sex with a woman is less important to you than having your crossdressing accepted, it does seem to put CDing at the top of your own priority list, which is different from mine. But does it also mean that sex with a woman is less important to you than it always was to me? As I said up front, could it also mean you're still exploring your sexual preference (or "sexual orientation") in addition, perhaps, to your gender identity, and finding your priorities changing as you do so?

Of course these are questions for yourself alone that I hope you find helpful. Whether you choose to try answering them here is entirely up to you! But one question to come out of all this is "how erotically attracted are you to men as men?" If you want to try sex with a male partner, where exactly is that urge coming from?

You could be discovering that you are androphilic to some extent, or bisexual, let's say. But if you're anything like me (and, I suspect, a fair number of CDers here), the urge may be driven more by considerations of gender roles or--more to the point--coital roles. I know there are theories about "autogynephilia" and the like, which may or may not apply to some of us, but the way I see it for myself is slightly different. Specifically, part of what makes crossdressing erotic for me is that it's bound up with the wish to experience sex in a female role.

So for instance I would never want to have sex with another man while in "guy mode." The idea of two men having sex together does nothing for me. "Gay porn" is not to my taste at all. In my own mind a sexual scenario has to have a woman in it to be arousing. Here too it's interesting that two years ago you were talking about "being with" a guy "while a girl is present," a fantasy that appeals to me too. But even if sex involves only a man and a woman, I can imagine as Marianne that I would enjoy being that woman.

I suspect something of this kind might be true for you too, from the questions you posted this time about whether being with a guy reinforces dressing or makes it feel more natural. I can only speculate on those questions, and as Pat and others have implied here, "gender identity" and "sexual preference" are separate personality traits that are not necessarily linked and can vary independently of one another. But in my mind a key phrase there is "not necessarily." If the desire for sex with a man springs from a desire to experience a gender-related role, then the two are bound up with one another.

To answer your remaining questions in that light:

2. Yes, as long as the experience was OK I would expect sex with a guy to make me feel more feminine. Deliciously so, to be "taken" by a guy and give myself up all the way to his pleasure. And I expect it would reinforce crossdressing in the sense that it would encourage me to repeat a behavior that came with pleasurable associations, and with the ability to excite a man with the power of my own femininity.

3. Guilt is something you have to work on getting rid of, separately from anything else. That's up to you, though I'm sure therapy can help. In the unlikely event that I ever did have sex with a guy, I imagine I wouldn't feel guilty about it now. But see 5 below.

4. Never having tried it, I have no idea whether I'd find myself "addicted" or not. That would depend on how intensely pleasurable or otherwise I found the experience, and whether or not I wanted to repeat it. I imagine that it would be worth trying once as a learning experience, to discover how I felt about it, but might not have any insistent desire to pursue.

5. This is the question some people may have quite rightly had a problem with, because gender identity is not necessarily linked with sexual preference. I don't believe having sex with a guy would ever have helped me to "accept" my crossdressing. If I were at the stage I was in my teens, when I still felt awkward and uncomfortable about dressing, I suspect having sex with a guy might very well have made me feel worse, with more conflicts to sort out!

If there's any interaction at all between these two factors, for myself at least I'd say it's the other way round. Sex with a guy wouldn't necessarily make crossdressing feel "more natural" or "more acceptable" to me, but crossdressing would make sex with a guy feel "more natural" and "more acceptable." Not just that, but crossdressing for me would be essential to having sex with a guy! I'd never want to do it in "guy mode," but as long as I could feel "female" and be seen that way, that's the only thing that could make sex with a guy feel "natural" and "acceptable" to me.

So the most I can say about Question 5 is that I would expect the experience to give me insights into the social and sexual aspects of my gender identity, the feminine part of that identity at least, as well as whether I do have any androphilic tendencies. Of course, those aspects alone may be important for you to explore.

6. I dare say that standing next to a man all dressed up in heels could make me feel delightfully feminine, as long as he knew who I was and accepted me in a female role. If I was at all nervous that he might not only discover my true sex but be shocked by it, that would ruin the experience!

Of course, much of this assumes that the sexual experience itself would turn out to be pleasurable enough, which I could never guarantee. In a fantasy we can make things happen any way we like in our own heads, but reality can be totally different. Even if the guy in question behaves reasonably enough, there's always the chance that the full sensory input of sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell during sex might turn out to be repulsive after all. The chance that such an experiment could turn out disappointing or worse, a disaster, is just one more reason why I've never felt driven enough to seek it in reality. Some wishes may be better left fulfilled by fantasy alone!

But your situation is different from mine, possibly your life goals too, if indeed you do know "where you're going" at this stage of your life. I can't know whether you might go as far as transitioning. Probably you don't know either. I'll only echo what others have said: that your enjoyment or otherwise of sex with a guy should not be a deciding factor, especially if crossdressing is motivated in part by sexual arousal. Deciding to transition should depend only on feeling comfortable in a female gender identity at all times. I for instance never wanted to abandon my male identity. It's just nice to be female "at times"!

Could it be right for you to transition--and live in a lesbian relationship? Or with a man? Or would you be better off staying male, dressing part time, and persisting until you find a nice lady who does accept your dressing? Who knows?

However, I do think that if I were in your position (as opposed to mine, which was and is different), and if I were so driven by the need to find out what sex with a guy was really like, I'd go for it! What have you really got to lose? Yes, I know there are certain risks--two more reasons for "not trying it"!--and posters here are right to advise caution in choosing a male partner. But risks aside, you've been dithering about this for over two years, and I suspect you'll never be satisfied until you have tried it. I'm sure it's more important to you than it is to me. It would have bothered me if I died without ever seeing Paris (among countless other things), and certainly if I died without ever having sex at all. It won't bother me much if I die without climbing Everest (as thrilling as that would be), or without ever having sex with a guy.

For you I'd guess it's different. If you don't do it, you'll always be wondering "What would it have been like?" And you don't want to keep putting it off while the years roll by, when you could be doing it while you're young and you'll never be prettier than you are today! That's my advice for whatever it's worth, however well considered or ill-considered.

But I do have one other piece of advice. Stop making excuses not to have sex with a woman! How are you going to know what you really want until you've tried it?

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

[Jin]

Whenever I am with a guy, I do feel more fem. I like to feel him quicken at my touch. I like the taste as we kiss, I feel so girly with him inside of me.
I do not dress with the intent of attracting guys.
There is no guilt sharing a mutually loving encounter.

[denisepascali]

No I've never been with a guy. But I do fantasize about it. I think I would certainly like to be treated like a lady, and I could see myself playing the stereotype of the lady for my guy. If the chance would arise I think I would take it. More and more it seems to be my role.

[Jodie_Lynn]

1. Have you ever been with a guy?
- Yes

2. Does it make you feel more feminine and a bit more motivated to dress up after being with a guy?
- Yep, it made me feel absolutely feminine and motivated me to really improve my gurl look for him

3. Did you feel guilty?
- Not a bit! In fact, it made me regret not having done it sooner! But to be honest, I was married and never considered cheating on my spouse. It was only after my divorce that I felt able to explore my desires.

4. Did you feel stuck/addicted and do you think there is a way back if you want?
- This is a little complicated. Could I go back to being an average guy? Probably, if circumstances prevented me from being Jodie. Would I WANT to? Probably not

5. Did it help you in accepting your crossdressing as part of you and feel more natural?
- Without hesitation, yes, 100%! The experience brought home to me that I am female, in mind & spirit, if not in body.

6. How does it feel like standing next to a man on your heels and all dressed up? (Most women I know dress up only for dates and on for special occasions)
- I am taller than him, even in bare feet, but he likes to see me in heels. As for me, I try to look my very best for him, and I adore the idea of being his arm-candy when we go out.