Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 51

Thread: Going Out and Passing

  1. #1
    Member Julie Slowinski's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    361

    Going Out and Passing

    I’m still a newbe about going out en femme, but feel like I’ve learned quite a bit in a fairly short time. So, figured I should pass some of this along while it’s still fresh. This is actually a repost from another site, but I figure it’s a pretty similar audience. As usual any and all comments are welcome.

    ####
    I’d like to talk about the subject of passing while out in public. Now I get a lot of comments on my pictures saying that I’m totally passable. First, thank you for such a wonderful compliment – every compliment is nice, but those in particular make my heart soar. However, I assure you that I am nowhere near passable. I know cuz I’ve asked people (When did you first figure it out? Invariably the answer is immediately.)

    Now some of you might be disheartened. But, you should not be. Think about what this means. Every person I’ve interacted with (a few dozen in conversations and hundreds just passing on the street) has known I’m actually a dude, but they were for the most part completely accepting. No pointing and laughing. No hey Mr. where’d you get that dress. Just regular people trying to be nice to a person that’s a little different (or even ‘being nice to another regular person’).

    Let me actually backup a little and tell you that this mindset is what got me out the door the first time and is the foundation of every time since. If I worried about being passable and if this person or that person was going to figure me out, I would be a total wreck and would not enjoy even a single minute of my adventure. Since I assume they already know, I am free to go about my business of just being me out in the world enjoying life. Here’s the funny part – by assuming I’m not passable, I actually become more passable. The reason is that it allows me to be comfortable in my own skin and just be a friendly engaging person. People like that and generally react poorly to a person that seems overly nervous (what sort of no good are they up to?) Now I’m not saying I’m never nervous, my first time I was a total wreck. But, knowing that people were seeing a crossdresser and still not reacting with scorn definitely put my mind at ease. Plus, it definitely gets easier with practice.

    If you’re planning to go out for the first time here’s some advice:

    – Do not lurk in the shadows. I know that late at night, when nobody’s around, seems like the best option, but it’s actually just unsafe for you and if anyone does see you it gives the impression that crossdressers are just creepy dudes hiding in the bushes.

    – For you’re first time, go to a trans friendly venue. Maybe a support group meeting, a cd meetup at a bar or just a gay club preferably one that has drag shows. You’ll be in an open public place (much safer and less creepy), and you will be confident that the people around you will be accepting. If you don’t know where to go, ask around on this or other sites.

    – Keep those skirts long and those necklines high. Yes, try to be sexy (or not), but keep it respectable. Even in the craziest club, you don’t want to look like a hooker. You’re already exotic, no need to go over the top.

    – Start with an evening event. I know I said don’t be lurking, but it cannot be denied that a little darkness will make you feel less exposed. Also, you’ll likely be over dressed for the daytime where sweatshirts and flip flops dominate over skirts and heels.

    – Find a more experienced girl to go with you. Definitely a confidence booster to have that support and help. But, just remember that not everyone is G-rated. Some girls like mix it up, if you know what I mean. If you’re not into that and they are that doesn’t mean you can’t hang out. But, in either case, before you meet you should make your intentions clear with a simple private message. You should not think you are being rude by sending that ‘Hey were all G-rated, right?’ message. It has to be done, is extremely common and in the end saves everyone unnecessary embarrassment. I also advise having an in drab meeting (in public of course) before meeting in girly mode. This is not essential, but it will make you more comfortable when you get to the big night.

    – If you need to, get a hotel room for changing. This kinda freaked me out at first, but hotel workers like cab / Uber drivers have seen it all and won’t even bat an eye.

    – Don’t drink and drive. The last thing you want is to be in lockup in a dress. Ubers are cheap and as I said, they’ve seen it all. Just be prepared for the driver to drive right past you cuz their looking for a dude and not a dude in a dress. Okay maybe the one occasion where I’m passable. Of course, that ends as soon as I get in and start talking in my dude voice.

    – Oh yeah, that reminds me. Forgot about that girls voice thing. If you can do it easily, fine. But, for me I figure why waste energy on trying to get my voice right, when they already know I’m a dude. I have much better things to put my mind on – like why does this club have so few mirrors.

    – Bathrooms? If you’re in a trans friendly venue then there’s no wrong answer. If you’re in a mainstream place try to find a gender neutral bathroom first and if that fails go with your heart. What you should not do is piss yourself. You have dignity and have the right in relieve yourself. With all the media discussion on this subject it’s actually never been a problem for me. And, it has likely made more people who would normally sit on the sidelines, become advocates and welcome you in any bathroom you choose.

    – Finally don’t forget to smile and have fun. You’re hurting no one and it makes you happy. Who could argue with that?

    💋💋💋 Julie
    Oh! You Pretty Things ... Come join us for:
    Paint the Town Chicago (Feb 23-26, 2023)
    More info here -> https://linktr.ee/PtT2023

  2. #2
    Queen of Chinatown jennifer0918's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,514
    Julie very good advice

  3. #3
    Just do it already! DaisyLawrence's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Location
    Fantasy Island
    Posts
    1,613
    Excellant advice Julie.

    If you haven't left your house yet, read this, digest the advice and then get out there and live your life.

    Daisy x

  4. #4
    Member Linda Stockings's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    448
    Excellent advice Julie. And I truly believe and agree with you that our moods, demeanor, positive vs negative auras, and whether or not we look or act scared. In the early 90's I went out a lot, was generally clocked very easily, and had some good outings and some bad ones. One of the best was when it was late in the afternoon, had been practicing my makeup application and thought it didn't look tooooo awfully bad. So I quickly put my bra and panties on, a white satiny blouse, pantyhose about my skin tone, and a blue pencil skirt that hit at the bottom of my knees. I slipped on a pair of nice black leather 4 inch pumps that were wonderfully comfortable. I drove to check my mail at the post office, to the library, where I browsed, read a few ladies magazines, tried on some shoes at Payless, and filled my truck with gas. My point here is that I spent 40 minutes on my makeup instead of the usual 4 hours, only about I did NOT try every skirt and blouse combination I had. I kept the time and effort to a minimum. Felt great that I hadn't used too much time, I felt my outfit was good enough but not out of place. And had more of that "I like it, and I hope you're okay with it too, but I really don't care. About 15 to 20 people walked by on the sidewalks and only ONE of those looked at me about 1 second longer than typical, then just went on by. I think it all had to do with my mood and my friendly facial expressions. I think our stories support the same conclusion.

    Stay pretty,
    Linda


    .

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member LaurenS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Western Oklahoma
    Posts
    520
    Thanks for spending the time to write this. Wise advice.
    You are you. You are beautiful. Labels are worthless.

  6. #6
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    Julie,
    Many thanks for posting this I totally agree with all your points.

    The paragraph on being passable or not should be a sticky, because they are the facts, we don't pass 100% as a woman because there are so many small details that come together to fall short of that ideal. I go out as me , a female version and one I prefer, I feel totally comfortable with that now. I also agree about the voice none of my social group alter their voice , it's impossible to keep it up and makes it look like an act you're putting on .

    The only time I drink is when staying over at the hotel or a friend's house otherwise it isn't worth the risk.

    The bathroom issue did catch me out on one occasion as I usually use the disabled one, it was out of order and stood there debating when a GG from my group grabbed my arm and dragged me into the ladies saying," you look as good as many women so why bother worrying, no one will know !"

    Smile and have fun is a great motto , just be yourself !

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member Rayleen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    844
    Julie, its sound like excellent advice. Being yourself and confident.

    Enjoy your outings !

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member KimberlyJean's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    673
    I can usually tell when I am flying under the radar and when I am not. I have had multiple interactions where they didn't know or were really accepting or really good at not letting on. I have also had interactions where it was apparent from hello that they knew. Sometimes I think it is the outfit, sometimes maybe me, the way I am moving that day. Always being prepared to be read is tough when you just want to blend in.

    I went out last Thursday to run some errands. I wore some white shorts with the red top in my avatar. My make up and wig were normal, I felt I was walking and talking fine but it was obvious that I was getting more looks than usual. But no big deal everyone was still being friendly, I had to ask a girl in the store where an item was and she went so far as to walk halfway across the store to find it for me. The women in the checkout lane were stand offish but when I started talking with the checkout lady they all warmed up. So things were going good. I decided I needed a coffee before I went home so I went to the local Barnes and Noble. Walking in an older man held the door for me and my fears from earlier were fading. I made my way to the line where a pretty woman about my age was ahead of me and getting ready to order. She glanced at me once then went back to ordering so I was just waiting and looking at the foods in the case next to the register. So when she was almost done she says in a little bit louder voice " I am feeling nice today so get him whatever he wants too" and pointed at me. I said no thank you but she was insistent. I really couldn`t figure out if she was trying to be mean or was just not sure how to act. The two behind the counter were more than awesome, I was a bit flustered when the girl took my order but she was never anything but super nice and walked me through it. I think if the woman was trying to be mean the staff did the best at shutting her down by not reacting and being super nice. The girl behind the counter went so far as to compliment my top and make small talk.
    Overall my confidence took a hit but I realized I probably don't pass as well as I thought I did. I have been going over it in my head since and I have concluded that it won't stop me from going out and being myself. The last time I had something like that happen I rushed home and took everything off. This time I went home, but it was my planned next stop, and left my make up on and didn't change.

  9. #9
    Member XemmaX's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Berlin, Germany
    Posts
    260
    thanks for writing this! really good advice for all newbies and people looking to get back out there again. it is true we mostly dont pass but it's how you carry it and also despite our worse fears about the public, most people really dont care.
    Last edited by XemmaX; 11-19-2017 at 11:26 AM.

  10. #10
    tiptoeing thru the tulips ellbee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,155
    FWIW, these days I have absolutely no problems passing -- since I'm always in guy-mode.


    Though passing as hetero may be a different story...

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    SE PA
    Posts
    598
    Julie,
    Excellent post and advice. It is very encouraging advice.
    Michele

  12. #12
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Area Zona
    Posts
    4,470
    Thank you, Julie. I've seen countless posts on passing and yours is one of the best. You've touched on so many things that many of us arrived at the long way. You know, like explaining to the police why you're in a deserted part of the city at 2:00am dressed like Carmen Miranda. I've found that toning down the accentuated and embellished feminine attributes (boobies) has helped me quite a lot. But, I live in an area where exaggerated mammalian protuberances are quite common with women. It's kind of an acceptable Vegas look.

    There's another side to totally passing. Nobody notices.

    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  13. #13
    Banned Spammer
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Between here and there but mostly here close to the donuts.
    Posts
    22,257
    Great advice and I agree 100%.
    Worrying about passing is not needed because most of the people will know you are male and thats OK. Just be you.
    I am going to stay quiet on one part of that article to see what happens.

  14. #14
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    SW Michigan
    Posts
    3,762
    it cannot be denied that a little darkness will make you feel less exposed
    I haven't been out in the general very much but I've found that being in a well lit store makes me more self conscious. And I'm not too crazy about being in sunlight while en femme. This is when being dressed to blend might help, at least for me.

    Good post Julie
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  15. #15
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    8,606
    Good post! It should be helpful to many here! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  16. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    A bit south of the 49th!
    Posts
    23,676
    Lots of good advice.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member sarah_hillcrest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Rosebud, Illinois downstate
    Posts
    915
    just another thanks for an excellent post!

  18. #18
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Orange County, Calif.
    Posts
    24,842
    Passing is the Golden Fleece for dressers. Among the 100's maybe 1000's of dressers I've met only a hand full can pass consistently. And, that includes some trans that have gone all the way!

    In Lincoln's words:
    Some of us can pass some of the time.
    Some of us can't ever pass.
    A small few can pass all the time!

    U can tell if u passed. Because people that believe your female without a doubt will treat u differently than as a possible MIAD.
    I know. Because it's happened to me a few times around Halloween!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  19. #19
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    To add to Sherry's third paragraph, about being treated differently , I feel you know when you've achieved that acceptance level when a GGs has a woman to woman conversation with you .They do sense an openness and how comfortable you feel when dressed , I've been called a convincing woman and that maybe the issue, they are convinced enough to be OK with you , to me that is a wonderful feeling .

  20. #20
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Location
    Kandi's Land!
    Posts
    2,610
    Very well said. I've been out at least 300 times over the past 3 years and you hit the nail on the head on many of your points. I have three rules of the road. Be smart. Don't go anywhere you would not go if you weren't dressed. Be appropriate. That means dress for your age, body type and venue. Don't wear an evening gown to Walmart. Finally and this is the single most important thing you can do: be confident, SMILE! That smile will draw people in and make them overlook many of the keys that give us all away. There is a reason our TG sisters often have to undergo many different surgeries, because men and women are different. The sooner you accept that reality, the sooner you can enjoy yourself out in the world presenting as a woman. I posted a sign I saw a few months ago and it says it all: a smile is the prettiest thing you can wear!
    Visit Kandi's Land (http://www.kandis-land.com/) daily! Nothing but positive and uplifting posts!
    Pictures and stories of every time out: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131254150@N06/.

  21. #21
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Dallas Ft Worth metro
    Posts
    5,589
    Julie, all great advice and even for one like myself who is in the process of going fulltime to a transistion,
    I’m well aware that I don’t pass 100 percent I hope my presentation will improve once I get on hormones but even that is
    not a guarantee.
    So yes just do as Teresa says be you as a women and it will work out good.
    I do find myself more open and friendly when I’m out now so it’s easy to smile and just be me and for me knowing this is
    how I will dress everytime I go out helps me relax.
    The normals do seem to becoming more accepting for sure
    Rachael

  22. #22
    carolyn todd carolyn todd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    isle of wight
    Posts
    459
    Good advice
    be confident, go out, be your self, i have found that when i go out in the day time shopping people don't always look at what's around them if they have they have not said any think.
    I am not as attractive passable as most of the girls on this forum but i am bl&*($ enjoy my self it would be nice to have some one with me but you can't have every think can you.
    if you going to go out ENJOY IT AND HAVE FUN DO IT.

    Carolyn

  23. #23
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Location
    Central Texas
    Posts
    5,982
    I would also like to add. That a good attitude helps also.
    Part Time Girl

  24. #24
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    2,053
    Julie, that's an awfully comprehensive list of suggestions. All really great advice. Thanks for taking the time to put it all together.

    I'd like to add just one more confidence building point. Go dress shopping. Get accepted and become a regular customer at one or more places. I've found it works in at least two ways. First, sales staffs are very accepting and good at making you feel like you actually belong there. Secondly, working closely with specific sales ladies, you develop a sense of what works on you and why, so you know how to look your best when you go out.

    A few years ago, I found a small group of SAs who really get me. I have gotten lots of clothes and advice from them (and others), and now I KNOW my outfits look good. Never mind that I'm 57 years old, over 6ft and 300 lbs and bald. And it's not just my imagination. I get compliments all tne time from random women.

  25. #25
    Emerging Diva Nikki A.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    ne pa
    Posts
    2,740
    Julie made many great points.
    I think the most important point was, when you don't worry about passing it you're less nervous which in many ways makes you more passable.
    Another thing, when I first started going out, it would take me 2 hrs + trying to get ready. While I still do dawdle a bit, I've got the whole transformation down to under an hour. My best time was when I overslept, was 35 mins from 100% male to full on Nikki.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State