Hi All! I want some suggestions on how to tell my wife I want to go to a CD Christmas party in NJ. I am in a DADT and I don’t know if she knows I currently still dress. Any and all advice is welcome.
Thanks
Hi All! I want some suggestions on how to tell my wife I want to go to a CD Christmas party in NJ. I am in a DADT and I don’t know if she knows I currently still dress. Any and all advice is welcome.
Thanks
[FO
Hello Shelly;
Really tough question considering you are in a DADT.
By definition Don't Tell means you don't tell her anything regarding your CD life. In this situation most would suggest its better to Beg for Forgiveness Later then ask for permission Now
So since you want get your wife's input if not permission what you are really asking is "How do I open the lines of communication with my spouse regarding cross dressing ?"
A lot of members have had success writing a letter, others sitting down over coffee, then those who see a counselor.
There is a thread here somewhere with a letter that some members have used.
Link to Thread
I believe a quiet passionate conversation is best, It really depends on her world view and her understanding of what CDing is.
How long have you been in a DADT ?
How long has it been since she has known ?
Have there been any discussion ad all since she has known ?
Hi Shelly,
Could you simply tell her that you want to go to a xmas party in NJ and not mention that it is CD?
As you are DADT, that would not be unreasonable.
If your wife actually asks for more details then by all means tell her, but otherwise your situation suggests that she need not know.
Best wishes, Nic
"The only way is onward. There is no turning back."
Honestly, I fear that’s a bridge too far at this point. IF you’re in DADT, I presume the DT also means don’t talk. Until you can at least have civil conversation about cross dressing itself, then there’s immense risk in trying to go farther.
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
I don't know but I think that some of these questions you could answer yourself. You said she doesn't know if you still dress, so maybe your first step would be to tell her that you are still exercising your hooby and see how she reacts to that.
I believe you are going to shock the hell out of her, but most times when reading these personal things I don't know you or your relationship with your wife. I have a lot of friends who have no communication relationship and love to upset their partners, or they just do what they want with little care if the other approves it or not.
Just take it slow and of course timing is everything, let us know how it goes.
You know you would be opening a whole nee can of worms so to speak. What if she says hell no!! Questions to ask yourself
Hi Maria,
Luckily my wife and I have a good relationship and we respect each other very much. I rather not go behind her back if I can avoid it.
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LeannS, you bring up a very good point. Did not think of that.
Shelly;
In one of your first posts,you mentioned that "You got the green light" on cross-dressing. Just curious what changed that it became DADT with your wife ?
I did for like a day. Then when I shared something with her. She couldn’t take it and said it was like talking to a guy gay. All I said is I wanted a dress didn’t know that meant you were gay. I have not brought it up since with her.Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter
[FO
There was an advert sometime back about a boy who wanted a dog. He made a powerpoint presentation to his parents and got the dog.
I wanted to go to Keystone Conference. I made a powerpoint presentation and presented it to my wife. She let me go.
2 caveats:
1. She thought if she let me go that I "would get it out of my system." That didn't work. I've gone 6 or 7 years running.
2. I was planning on going anyhow, no matter what her response; I was just asking for permission, but if I got shot done, I was going to ask for forgiveness.
Depending on what she knows and her comfort level, invite her to go with you. I've tried; mine won't.
Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.
shelly;
What you are describing is a classic avoidance reaction ..... on your part. you were actually talking even though there was a slight barb about being 'gay' and then you discontinued the conversation.
Don't sweat the gay comment. I does sound like she is open to talking, maybe talking to her is not a bad idea ?
What did you say to her for her to have this reaction? Do you remember?She couldn’t take it and said it was like talking to a guy gay
It just seems odd that she didn't bring up the "gay" thing when you told her originally, but brought it up when you went to speak with her about it for the second time. Were you still acting as "yourself" (same as you act in man mode)?
I thin there's a lack of communication here, its best you come clean with your destiny.
I would sit down in a relax mode and tell her about CD, then you have a good idea if she tolerate.
just my suggestion, you do what you think is best....Good luck !!!
I mentioned that i was jealous of someone having a dress i really liked. I guess its just the go to defense mechanism when a man talks about wanting women's clothing.
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I love your idea. I just might try that out.
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You are right. I should have continued the conversation. Now to start it again is taking some courage.
[FO
Shelly,
No one stops guests dressing in drab at our functions including the Xmas party, you could change once you get there , I will be driving to mine dressed and change for the evening and then dressing for breakfast at the hotel but some will arrive in drab and leave in drab .
The question of CDers being gay is the usual question we have to deal with , DADT or not you will have to tell her the honest facts , I've had this happen a couple of times with my wife , she now knows I'm only interested in women and not guys. Obviously I had to clear that one up as I share a room with another Cder , I have to admit a couple of years ago it was something I never thought would happen but it's no big deal now, although it felt odd the first time having a conversation with another guy while we were both applying makeup and then slipping forms in my bra.
Yeah... I have the impression acting jealous over women's clothing, boobs etc is a real turn-off for SOs. I mean sure you can be jealous, but I think it's best to keep that info to yourself.I mentioned that i was jealous of someone having a dress i really liked.
There was another thread on here recently where a CD said she was jealous of her SOs boobs and it seemed to backfire on her too.
I think acting/saying you are jealous of anything relating to women could come across to your SO that you may be thinking of eventually transitioning or going much further. Because if you aren't, why would you be so jealous? Anyway that's the way I see it. Hope you see my point.
Last edited by Kas; 11-19-2017 at 07:22 PM.
hi shelly, this is old,
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...move+past+DADT
may still be relevant,
i have my meet-up, may pass it along to some others.
i volunteer at a LGBT venue twice a week, she just came and met one of my friends,
i go out regularly these days, she still does not want to see it and respect that but i continue to leave things in plain site with my absentmindedness occasionally and have not heard grief about it.
we will be having a party dec 17 at our venue, maybe ill see you.....have yet to announce it yet....
anywho hope that helps....
....Mykell
i dressed like a girl and i liked it!crossdressing...theirs an app for that
Yeah I can definitely see the whole boob thing back firing. lol.
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Really loving all the advice and different points of view. Will definitely use the help and try to open up the channels of communication. Now unfortunately the party is the 9th and we are doing something for our kid that day which has slipped my mind. However, there will be other events and I will need this advice to pull from. Thank you all!
[FO
I had gone to a couple get togethers without my SO knowing then decided I would not go again without telling her. Finally, I informed her that I had been invited to an event and I wanted to go and then added that I would like her to join me. She stated 'No way!' but you go and have fun. Now everytime I want to go i invite her. It works for me.
Genny B
Dani (Genny before Transition)
All Girl!
I've been going to smaller local events for about 10 years now. She was out of town a lot tending to her dad, so I had a lot of freedom to come and go as I pleased. After her dad passed, I lost most of my freedom to go out. So, when there was an event, I would tell her that I was going out drinking with the guys, which was technically true: drinking and guys (who just happened to be wearing dresses). Like Genny, the lie was wearing on me, so I would ask her if I could go to a CD event. Typically the answer was "no". and when it was "OK", some last minute emergency would come up that would prevent me from going. So, I changed tactics, based on a lot of info I received here (Thanks Traci). I told her that I was going out, rather than asking if I could go out. Now the only problem I have is not asking her soon enough so she can make alternate plans.
Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.
I think Steph has a point, but it all depends on your relationship. To a degree, if the wife is not willing to give permission, which is her prerogative when you asked, one may realize permission will never be forthcomming. At some point everyone needs to make a decision on their own. And frankly neither a week willed man or woman is really that attractive. Quite the opposite. I doubt that most people (with some exceptions) want an overly deferential mate. This can be very insulting to women for a man to play that part as the female persona.
On the otherhand, mates don't like a lack of respect to their own whishes. "I'm going to do what I want to do. Period." Doesn't fly to well. So be repectful, compromise from time to time, but if it is really important to you, don't just acquiesce.
Ok your in a DADT,cool. Well don't ask her and don't tell her. I'm sorry I never got that even in male mode in the beginning of my marriage I did ask her for permission to go out with my friends for beers. Now much older after 20 years of being married I don't ask her .
I came to the thread after your outing was canceled due to scheduling conflicts. I'm in a DADT. It is really DADT for the last three decades. No sniping. No barbs. Nothing. On occasion I have left a panty or bra out and she has discovered it. She tells me she placed it on top of the washing machine out of sight to others. Darn! Sometimes I wish she would just scream and yell. She realizes my cross dressing predates our relationship and has nothing to do with her. When we had "The Talk" she told me it was OK with her if I found a support group to go to. Well, back in the 1980's there was none in our area. Actually, I did call a cross dressing "hot line" in Seattle, and, the person was just down right plain rude. I'm just happy s/he was not volunteering on a suicide hot line.
I would suggest talking to your wife to let her know way before hand that you would like to attend a cross dressing support group or event sponsored by one. It would clear the air whether or not she is on board. A year ago you started a thread where you indicated your wife, although not totally receptive, told you she realizes it is part of you and you should accept it. Sometimes a wife can see the conflict that arises with cross dressing; trying to fit the societal role and the expense of individuality. I know a wife may be concerned about safety or unintended consequences (auto wreck, neighbors seeing your coming and going). If you can get a hotel room near the venue and eliminate many of her concerns, maybe you would stand a chance of getting her acceptance.
Your situation is tough; however, have you ever brought it up to her asking for help? Tell her you have these feelings and your not sure how to deal with. Sometimes women respond better if they are helping out instead of feeling like something has been hidden
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