First holiday screwed up by being Out to my family

[Ceera]

I moved back to Oregon two holiday season's ago, (just after Christmas 2015), to a town two hours drive from where my sister and her four kids and their families live. The first Thanksgiving after that, and the first Christmas after that, my sister made a point of eagerly inviting my daughter and I to join her family celebrations, at her home. Last holiday season, my daughter and I were invited to have Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's home, and to spend Christmas Eve at my oldest niece's home, with my sister and her husband and all of their kids. My sister's 4 kids are all adults, and the oldest niece had twins last year - my sister's first grandchildren. I attended all of these events presenting as a male, though my nails were done, and by the second season my ears were pierced. Both years, we spent Christmas Day with my two step-sisters (the sisters of my late wife) and their families, and stayed at the home of one of those step-sisters for the two Christmas visit nights that we were in their town.

I found out in May of this year (2017), from my eldest niece, that roughly at Thanksgiving in 2016, my sister had found my 'Ceera' Facebook page, and found out I was transgender and bi, and that before last Christmas she had told the rest of her side of my family (her husband and her kids) in her town. That had been why Christmas was at my niece's home, and not my sister's. Because my not-accepting brother in law no longer wanted to allow me to visit my sister's and his home, or to even speak to me. Yet Christmas had gone well, though her husband barely acknowledged my presence. Everyone else had been pretty much normal to me. The two step sisters still don't know, because my sister and her family have never really been in contact with my wife's relatives.

When my oldest niece told me that the family knew, she assured me that she and her sisters and brother and their spouses were all cool with it, and that I was welcome in their homes, as my male or female presentations. She said my sister was still coming to grips with it but would likely accept eventually, and that my brother in law flat out did not accept me. (Well, he and I never have liked each other anyway.) My oldest niece and her husband subsequently brought their twin newborn daughters to my home for a visit, along with both of my other nieces and one niece's husband. My sister and I have talked it over via e-mail, and she is slowly coming to accept it, but not quite ready to see me as a woman. She confirmed that her husband now wants nothing to do with me, and has banned me from their home. She says that while she loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy, she can't change her husband's mind.

Well, this year, there was no invitation to join them for Thanksgiving dinner. Not a word, from anyone, either inviting me or even politely informing me of their plans. I assume it is being held at my sister's home. My brother in law loves to cook and to put on a good feed, and they have a bigger kitchen than any of my nieces have.

My daughter and I are dining alone tonight. We'll enjoy a nice meal together, and probably watch a movie on DVD.

Wondering what Christmas will be like...

[Lana Mae]

Sorry to hear all of that! Hoping that Christmas will be better! My daughter and I ate alone but it was a lack of coordination among family members that caused ours! Sister in law thought we were eating with my son's family so she went to her house at the beach! Brother in law is in nursing home and not doing well! Son decided to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner as he was having in law trouble(sisters in law) ! Wishing you a better Christmas with some resolution! Hugs Lana Mae

[docrobbysherry]

At least all your relatives and in laws know, Ceera. At our 1st Thanksgiving today, a topic came up that reminded me of a funny thing that occurred in Vegas at one of our big T events this year.
In attendance today were both my daughters, my daughter's partner, my ex, and my ex's sister. The latter is the only one that doesn't know about Sherry!

I began to tell them all about it before remembering that and quickly changing the subject!

[Ariana225]

Just remember that family is not all the time blood related. If family can't accept who you are as a person you can find a new "family" that does. As hard as that sounds, sometimes it's better to rid toxic people from your life even after many years.

I have an aunt that is extremely judgy about everything and I no longer consider part of my family. Love should be loving the person for who they are.

[CarlaWestin]

It sounds like as you continue to live your true life as your true self, you will be able to start anew with your own celebrations and traditions.
IMPO diluted family is highly overrated. After moving 3000 miles away from any and all family, wife and I just started our own traditions.
And it's so much better.

[Leelou]

Oh Ceera, I'm sorry that this holiday wasn't what it could have been. But to me, it definitely wasn't ruined because you were able to spend it with your daughter. Mine was in another city today, so good for you being able to have Thanksgiving with her.

Overall, your family sounds like they are mostly great about accepting you. From what I understand, pretty much everyone is either fully accepting or are adjusting, but still accept you as a person. I hate to use the word, but your brother in law sounds like a bigot. To ban you outright from your sister's house, even presenting male? He sounds icky.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Ceera]

To be fair, my brother in law is recovering from a bad infection that had him in the hospital for a while, and my sister is focused on his recovery and on her grand children. They might have kept it simple this year, or been distracted by her own life issues.

One lesbian couple who knows me as Ceera has already invited my daughter and I to a Christmas party at their home, on the 23rd. So we will have at least them to celebrate Christmas with.

[Tracii G]

Maybe it was best if she is watching over him I wouldn't worry about it maybe next year.

[IleneD]

Ceera,
This breaks my heart, dear.
Family is one of the things we value instinctively. We want their approval and support in all we do and EXPECT it. When it fails and a family member turns against you for any reason, it must be devastating.
To make things even worse, is the breach of security and of confidence. Now the word is out it's impossible to control "the need to know". So sorry.

BTW, your post makes me re-think my own FB page. My true identity FB page was beginning to entertain and host a lot of CD/TG news and cultural items. I was getting close to "out-ing" myself to the world and didn't wish to do that (at this time). So I built an entirely different FB page and email around my femme identity. Let me tell you, it is not an easy thing to do to distance yourself from your other 'real life' self. The computer algorithms want to follow your past email addresses, contacts and friends lists. I've not had any bad fallout yet from hosting a page for Ilene, herself. But my daughter (in NC) caught it as a "friends request" on her FB early after I built the Ilene page. I made some privacy adjustments but I'm still a bit wary of having the exposure.

I'm slowly getting accustomed as Ilene. Only a matter of time before I have a comfort level to simply come out to the world and not give a damn. But for now, caution and sound judgment shall prevail.

Good luck on cleaning up th family mess. I pray that their hearts will soften. In time that will happen too.
Peace. Love. This gift we have of being both male & female has a cost at times.

[DaisyLawrence]

Sad news indeed. I am sure your neices and sister were also upset by all this but please remember it is the result of one persons attitude and not theirs. How your brother in law can be so unflexible despite the hurt he is causing to all those he claims to love is beyond me. Macho selfishness at its worst. Hope it works out in the end.

Daisy.

[Rogina B]

To build on what Daisy said,perhaps the BIL doesn't understand the seriousness,or not of your gender expression. Seems like he is treating you as an undesirable nutjob,not the person you were a moment before he found out that you are unique.He liked you before..I would ask someone that accepts the new you to have a talk with him as this is obviously bothering you a lot. In my opinion,bring your new self to any family social situations that you are included in.When they see that you are more comfortable in your new packaging,they may respect you even more.

[Bailee]

Your brother in law may eventually reach a level of acceptance, or his mindset may make it impossible for him. Ultimately it's his issue, even though it affects everyone around him. Just keep in mind, some people are incapable of overcoming their programming.

In my humble opinion all you can do is keep being the same awesome person you've always been, and keep the lines of communication open (which it sounds like you're doing). I hope it all works out for you.

[Rayleen]

So Sorry Ceera, sometimes family members do not get along for all other reasons.You are not alone , in my side of family we cannot have family reunions for the last 17 yrs. Some of them too stubborn to bury the past feud . I get along with everyone because I respect their opinions . I leaned to live with it and live my life with my so and daughter, and mind my own busines.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Sorry to hear that, our family holidays were messed up for about 3 years and it was tough on everyone as my sister in law had taken a deep hatred to my wife and I and refused to see us. Had to do some weird scheduling to try and make Holidays work. Gladly she is out of the picture and things are nicer.

[Stephanie47]

You can pick your friends, but, not your relatives. I find most people try to avoid contentious relationships and events. Your brother-in-law will eventually make any event with you toxic for everyone. Don't hold your breath for a change of heart. I would ask the other relatives why they persist to accept his bigotry by excluding you. Maybe he should be the person excluded from family gatherings. I would be tempted to confront his bigotry in front of everyone else, and, let the chips fall where they may. Never give an asshole a free pass in life.

My mother never accepted my wife into the family. It got to be really ridiculous. Ever get a congratulations card on the birth of a child only addressed to the father of the child and ignore the birth mother, i.e., daughter-in-law? Or, Christmas cards to only you? My mother was totally toxic. Never acknowledged my wife's existence even to her grandchildren. Finally, I just wrote her off as everyone else in my family did. As far as I was concerned she died decades before her body gave out. Some people are not receptive to change.

[Abbey11]

Sorry to hear this Ceera, hopefully it will improve and you now the meal on the 23rd to look forward to.

[Pumped]

I have to ask, why not ask what people have planned?
My family is pretty dysfunctional so if my wife and I don't ask what is going on for the holidays we probably would never know. My niece had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's, but her house is so tiny that sitting down is not going to happen. My niece has four children, teens, plus her husband makes six, plus my sister, and dad. Eight people, sitting room for four at the table and maybe 3 more in her tiny living room. No room for us, and very uncomfortable in more ways than one.

My wife has family, but her siblings are all involved with their own families and seldom invite us, plus some are quite a distance away.

We invited ourselves to my mom's, (my folks are divorced), and we took her out for dinner at a local church, then back to mom's to visit. My dad is here tonight. We had a nice dinner here and he stayed over so we will spend some time tomorrow.

My point is that we took the initiative to find out what everyone was doing and made plans around that. If we had waited nobody would have called!

Ceera, I would have at least called around to see what the various families were doing. It is quite possible you just got forgotten or they assumed you had plans of your own, it happens.

[Ceera]

Well, I saw pictures today that showed that my eldest niece, her husband, and their one year old twin girls celebrated the Thanksgiving dinner with her husband's parents and family. Only fair, since last two years they celebrated with my sister and their siblings. Possibly the rest of the kids in my sister's family also took this season to be with their in-laws? And with her new grand-babies elsewhere, and her husband still recovering from some medical problems, my sister may have played it low key? I don't know...

My brother in law and I have, at best, tolerated each other in the past. We never have liked each other. So I didn't expect him to be accepting when he found out about my femme side. Honestly, I don't care about his opinion. I'm almost certain to outlive him by many years, even though he is 5 years younger than I am. He has multiple health problems, where I am in very good health. I regret that his bigotry is making it close to impossible for me to visit my sister at a time in my life when I am going through these changes. If I do transition fully, which seems more and more likely, he may well be denying my sister her last chances to interact with me as 'her brother', and he is denying her a more gradual transition between knowing me as my birth gender, and getting to know me as her 'new Big Sister'.

Honestly, I delayed telling my sister about the changes in my life for years because her life always seems full of her own drama and problems. I did not want to add to her troubles the issues of dealing with her reactions to what I am going through. I had hoped, since I have been living on both sides of the fence, that I could simply attend family events as a male for several more years, and not have to cope with it. Now? Well, if anything, it has accelerated the timeline for me to consider full transition. My nieces and nephew and their families all accept me. My sister is still adjusting, but she loves me and wants me to be happy. If I am no longer in the closet with my family, and I no longer need to attend family events as a male, then how much do I need to retain the ability to appear male at all? Not much, really.

[Pumped]

See, it was probably not as sinister and it first appears. I realize you may never get invited to your sister's, but don't forget, everyone has a life of their own and you don't always fit in, dressed in drab or with your girly side.

I would not push the issue of dressing at your relatives even if they accept you, male mode is still best unless you get approval to show up dressed. Acceptance and showing up dressed is another thing! The day may come when it will be alright, but I sure would not show up dressed without warning. They might be able to handle it, but they might have some other guest that might not handle it well. Check with them first!