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Thread: Would you ask a CD/TG the question?

  1. #26
    Aspiring Member Steph_CD_62's Avatar
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    I would not have approached them and said anything, at most I might have made eye contact.

    I worked in a convince store for awhile and there was a person that would come in sometimes as a man and sometimes as a woman. At first I thought that they were a crossdresser like myself, but I didn't want to make him/her feel uncomfortable. I treated this person the same no matter how they came in dressed. I found out later that he was a MtF from a co-worker that knew him and his ex-wife.

  2. #27
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    This is one of the reasons I so love being a member of this forum.
    The consensus group has a great way of gently and nicely setting me straight. You've verified my own suspicions that I exceeded normal limits. It's why I asked the question

    So, the answer next time is "curb my enthusiasm". In my eagerness to reach out and connect with another soul who shares my life situation [ or at least one with whom I am sympathetic], I over-stepped. I thought by approaching her and telling her she was beautiful, I could affirm her sense of being. Wrong.

    One member commented that by approaching her, I "blew her cover". Rather than affirming her, I probably horrified her that she didn't PASS and somehow stood out as a TG. For that, Lord, forgive me.

    In the old movie, "The Sting" (R. Redford, P. Newman), the cast of people who were in on the sting, the plan, had a method to silently inform each other that they were part of the game. I believe they used a finger swipe alongside their nose to give the signal to others "I am one of you." I wish the CD/TG world had such an unofficial silent signal by which we could (silently) show others that we are with them; we are one of them, or we are sympathetic and understand.

    Again, thank you all the for comments. This forum is great for my Learning Curve, and I value every input.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  3. #28
    Banned Spammer
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    Most likely no for me but I have been approached and asked questions by GGs and was not bothered by their questions.
    If another TG approached me I would not be upset at all.
    I was at WalMart yesterday browsing the ladies dept in 50/50 mode and saw an employee that I am sure was TG because he was wearing his hair in a pony tail on top of his head and had light make up on.
    He looked at me and smiled so I smiled back and moved on down the rack for something in my size.
    Neither of us made personal contact just a smile and I am sure he knew we were both TG.

  4. #29
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    As a general rule which is applied to all people if I make eye contact I will nod or just say "good morning." I would have said the same to the transgender person you saw. There has to more of a connection before I invade someone else's privacy.

  5. #30
    Hellion on Heels Kayliedaskope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IleneD View Post
    In the old movie, "The Sting" (R. Redford, P. Newman), the cast of people who were in on the sting, the plan, had a method to silently inform each other that they were part of the game. I believe they used a finger swipe alongside their nose to give the signal to others "I am one of you." I wish the CD/TG world had such an unofficial silent signal by which we could (silently) show others that we are with them; we are one of them, or we are sympathetic and understand.
    We could blow silent kisses at each other!!!

    No, wait .....



    Seriously, though, it all depends on how people are approached. Some will be okay, others will get defensive because you've intruded on their personal space. Personally, I wouldn't have asked "That Question," but I may have politely complimented her on her jewelry, or that particular color of her dress matched her eyes, or something nice. A compliment to someone is never a bad way to open a conversation.

    I used to work retail many moons ago, and I remember this one customer had come in: pale porcelain skin, light cat-eye makeup, flaming red hair just past the shoulders, and the most drop-dead gorgeous green eyes I'd ever seen, all wrapped in a nice dress, slim leather jacket, and heels - not goth, but definitely wow. I was stocking merchandise in the area and wasn't trying to be too obvious, but she knew I was looking. Finally, she asked, "is there a problem?" Oops ... busted. Since I had nothing left to lose at that point, I screwed up my courage and replied, "yes ... the problem is that you have such beautiful eyes that I'm having a difficult time not staring at them. Please forgive me." I was rewarded with a big smile and after a few minutes of conversation, an invitation to help her find the rest of the items on her list. It was a good day ...
    "You are who you are, that's all right with me,
    But I am who I am, that's all I can be."
    -Trace Atkins, "Rough and Ready"
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    Just call me Kaylie

  6. #31
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    So, Ilene -- I hope you got all that. You should; you shouldn't; it's probably OK; it's probably not. Let that be your guide for next time. In the end, you did what you did and the world didn't end. I think we have to trust you to read the situation and make the right choice.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  7. #32
    Senior Member Linda P.'s Avatar
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    "In my eagerness to reach out and connect with another soul who shares my life situation."
    And that is something I think we can all relate to and sympathise with.
    Like a lady

  8. #33
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    I think to come right out and ask is not protocol for sure, I think my approach would just be enguage them in casual
    conversation, maybe a nice complement on clothes or most anything but to ask outright unless it’s brought up by them then
    no probably not

  9. #34
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    I wish the CD/TG world had such an unofficial silent signal by which we could (silently) show others that we are with them
    Always keep at least one pic of your en femme self on your phone. Just in case you wanna show someone, "that's me"!
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  10. #35
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    In drab? Not in a million years!
    And, telling anyone but a GG that she looks pretty, in a vanilla venue, when I'm in drab and could embarrass the heck out of them and me, isn't going to happen!

    Dressed? Maybe. Depending on where and when. In a vanilla retail store? When dressed, I avoid places like that like the plague!
    Last edited by docrobbysherry; 12-11-2017 at 08:35 PM.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  11. #36
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    No! Always let someone tell you when they are comfortable with doing so.

  12. #37
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    While it's wonderful to pretend I can move about in public and be accepted as a woman, I know for a fact that it's beyond my skill level, pay grade and physical make up. So if today I were approached and treated with politeness and respect, I'd probably be pleased to interact with others. In fact, I'm astonished it's not happened to me. When I first started going out that kind of contact would have had me running back to my room for a long cry, but now my skin has grown considerably thicker and resistant to damage. Over the years I've been mis-gendered by sales people and others when I've been engaged in conversations that had both TG and Cis participants. One time in a crowded and loud casino I was approached by a man who gently took my hands in his and looked at me. Neither one of us said a word, he nodded, dropped my hands and went on his way. (I should have leaned in, said "Room 2347, in an hour." and left but didn't.) Every encounter is a unique experience and needs it's own response.

    I have seen TG folk in the wild and tend to resist the urge to make contact, particularly when I'm in guy mode. Looking back on my first trips out I would have been terribly upset with an unexpected contact, now I'd be fine. Since we can't tell where in a person's journey they are, even if we know what that journey might be, it's probably best to let it go with a smile, a nod and just maybe "I really like your shoes.", but probably not even that.
    Last edited by Sarah Doepner; 12-11-2017 at 09:07 PM. Reason: one more thought
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  13. #38
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    Sarah,
    You reminded me of mis-gendering.
    I too am beginning to hear and see some of it. Happened twice last week when I spent the entire week, 24/7, en femme (alone at home and going out; wife out of town). The one in the liquor store really got my goat because there was a line of people close to and behind me that heard it too (and I was dressed en femme, and somewhat passable). Someone in line behind me giggled when they heard the clerk "sir" me.
    Damn.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Ressie;
    I actually like that idea. Good thinking.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Love ya' , Pat. Love your experience and wisdom. You can actually see through bullshit.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  14. #39
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Regardless of whether some people think its ok, its not ok.

    you outed her, and walked away.
    you did it for your own purposes, not her's. and btw its her, not "her"
    regardless of her man hands and "tell tale stubble".. really?

    it was selfish and rude, and i hope you can see that in hindsight.
    you imposed your will on this woman...she had no choice in the matter
    more likely than not, her (not "her") politeness masked her true feelings about your intrusion on her day..

    Sorry to be so harsh..Im no miss manners, but above all else i respect the privacy of trans people regardless of where they are on the spectrum
    for all you know, you devastated her... and because you cant know you didnt, you have to respect her space...

    i know some folks dont feel this way, thats a shame and its selfish... I think some trans people like to be looked at and noticed...no worries, that works too, but then it would be obvious they want to be approached...and it doesnt work the other away .....nothing about her said she wanted to be approached other than you clocking her as a trans woman..

    basically you said "hi dear, i wanted you to know you are really pretty, but you dont pass"
    In what world is that a thoughful and considerate thing to do??

    =======

    added

    i just talked to my daughters close friend, a young trans girl...she was floored... she said basically if some creepy old guy came up to me and asked me if i was trans, i would smile because that's what you do when men approach and enter your private space...from fear, from feeling harrassed, from having no choice....no different than a catcall or dog whistle from a construction worker...ive been there...you need to know that's how you were likely perceived

    she was in disbelief about this story and upon reading it she noted the presumption that I noticed as well... that you used the term "she" instead of she, and that you presumed that because you have a femme name that somehow its ok to "creep out on her" as she called it... she said she would have gone to her car shaking.....wondering if you were lurking around somewhere.

    my dad might say to all this, dont be such a snowflake!! part of me agrees, but the main part of me wants you to know thats the risk you are taking , that's how you really could make somebody feel...not ok..its not dress up and fun for many of us out there...
    Last edited by Kaitlyn Michele; 12-11-2017 at 10:11 PM.
    I am real

  15. #40
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    I am afraid that I have to agree with Kaitlyn. Much of the time I pass now. If I don't I really don't give a flip but, I do not want my being trans to be addressed by a complete stranger. I do the best I can in the real world doing life as my true self. If someone came up to me and commented on my being trans it would ruin my day.

    Three days ago I had a situation where I fully disclosed but it was my choice. I needed to purchase a new car and my I.D. has not been changed yet. After I set the stage then every thing was cool from then on. The rest of my time at the dealership I was correctly gendered, treated like a lady and used the women's restroom three times (don't tell governor Abbott).

    Tomorrow I go to get my drivers license changed. I expect some awkwardness but I am willing to do what I need to do. After that I am getting a photo made to renew my passport that expires in six days. These situations are obstacles that I need to push through in my own way. If you see me in Target, please leave me alone or just treat me like any other woman.

  16. #41
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    It's interesting, and even a little bit amusing to me, to see the differences in perspectives between the CDs, TS's, and NBs on this topic. As a TS myself, I fully agree with Kaitlyn. And I'm sure if the woman in the story was also a TS, she would also have been creeped out and shaken by being approached like that. But if she was a CD, maybe she would have been more likely to be ok with it? I don't know. The thing is, you didn't know if this woman was a CD, TG, TS, or whatever other gender identity on the trans spectrum.

    By the way, what you did was a very 'manly' thing to do - Kaitlyn said it perfectly when she said that you were 'imposing your will on that woman'. If you identify as a man, then I get it, it's who you are and that's how men generally behave. But if you're not a man, or want to present a more feminine image while en femme or en drab, then I urge you to be more respectful of other people and their private space. When women approach others, it's not about their own purposes, but usually about helping the other person and possibly form a helpful relationship. But what you did was just approach her, invade her space, out her as trans, and then just walk away. Ugh.

    Please don't do that again. If you want to make TG friends, then please do so in an openly trans event, such as at a local support group meeting or a national trans convention.

  17. #42
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Simply no , I wouldn't do that.

    But people come up to me all the time. I don't mind.

    I live in a small town, being out, people do talk about me. I get feedback from me friends, mostly good.

  18. #43
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    Thank you, Mirya.
    A very real and understanding perspective I should have considered and known. Like I said, this was a lesson learned.
    The "man" thing to do. Don't fully know if it was imposing my will upon her. Perhaps curiosity killed my cat. But your point about my 'manliness' showing through is interesting and I shall consider it.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  19. #44
    Senior Member BrendaPDX's Avatar
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    Hi Ilene, I can tell you are very observant and have your hart in the right place. If you had approached me I would have been terrified and probably not heard a word you said, only waiting for my opportunity to get the he!! out of there. But I have been complemented on my skirt and that was ok, so now I am not sure. You got an ear full so I am not going to push it. Thank you for sharing, Brenda

  20. #45
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    I can't add much to what the others have said. Whenever I feel (not gender specific, just in general) should I or shouldn't I, I have learned to 1st think, how would I feel. That may not always be the correct answer, but it is more often then not. If there comes a day when I am out among the muggles, for me, it would be about blending in and not ever being noticed. I would want simply to be just any regular woman going about her business without anyone paying attention to me, other than to what I am doing, not who I am or how I look like. Definitely though you do sometimes see those who are out and want to be noticed for who they are. That is fine for them and generally it will become quite obvious that that is their motive. When you don't know, I think chances are likely that wherever they are on the spectrum, a cross dresser enjoying a simple excursion or someone who is now living authentically as the woman they are inside, or have become through transition or in the process of, It is more likely than not I am assuming that they just want to be that woman. It is among the main reasons why I do not go out in public because I cannot now at this time be that woman who isn't noticed for being TG. That is my own personal issue, and has nothing to do with how I feel about others going out. I have no issue at all with others going out all the while they are being noticed for being a TG person. I do want to make that as clear as possible. It is my issue and my issue alone, and has no bearing on what anyone else does.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  21. #46
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    overall...

    its not about you..
    its about the other person..

    thinking and prioritizing about what the other person may feel is subtly different than the golden rule, which is a very good rule but in this case doesn't work well...
    men have trouble with understanding how women feel, its time eternal, and its not anybody's fault...its nature

    by trying so hard to express your femme side to a woman that way, you actually expressed your male side...

    I'm glad you are willing to engage in a conversation that highlights your good intentions..I know you didn't mean to hurt anybody
    I am real

  22. #47
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    I understand the temptation. I really do. For some reason, the supermarkets I frequent in my conservative suburban community have more TG women per capita than in Houston proper, so I am frequently tempted to go beyond a sincere smile, the kind one might give any stranger upon making eye contact. I don't, because any more than that can be misread in a number of different ways, few of them pleasant for the other person. So put me in the "do not engage" camp.
    There a lots of places where one can engage TG people that are entirely appropriate. This forum is a good start, but support groups, organized girls nights out, etc. are also options. Again, the temptation, no the need is real for many of us, so find an appropriate means to fulfill it.

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