Would you ask a CD/TG the question?

[IleneD]

I was shopping the other day with my wife. I was in drab with a morning beard stubble, except for my gold ear hoops and a brightly colored silk scarf I wore.
I noticed a couple (M&F apparently) in the women's dept and then in another part of the store (a Target). "She" was slender of build; slight in the shoulders and narrow waist. She wore jeans and ordinary t-shirt and a jacket. Her long natural hair was pulled back and braided into 2 pigtails. She had large gold ear hoops. Except of the slight hint of beard growth around her nose and chin she would have passed splendidly. Her slight man-hands (not prominent) and the fact she had "shadow" on her chin too, and not just that "woman moustache" that some GGs get, were my only hints.
She was with "male" partner who possibly could have been a FtM transgender himself, but I couldn't quite detect it; though he had but a slight beard growth of soft fine facia hair.

I was intrigued, because this was in a small town and not a cosmopolitan center. I got up the nerve to approach them.
She was a bit surprised when I came forward and introduced my self in a low voice. "Hello, my name is Ilene." I wish you could have seen the surprise registered on her face. "....my name is Ilene, and may I ask you a question?" Are you a T-Girl?" She was for she instantly knew what I was talking about. Her surprised expression turned to even more surprise and a smile. Before she could answer I explained, "It's OK. I'm a transgender person myself." Again, more surprise on her face because I clearly was not presenting in a femme form. But she smiled, looked at her mate and replied in the positive. "Yes, I am", she nodded.
I told her, "It's OK dear. I'm sorry to put you on the spot. I'm also TG and I just had to let you know how beautiful you are."
She smiled again, and I didn't wish to beleaguer my encounter in the middle of a retail store. I shook her hand (with both hands), thanked her and went on my way.

I don't spot that many TG's or CDs in public. And for the life of me I don't know what possessed me to get "personal" with a stranger. But I had to know; and I had to let her know that she was "OK" and a beautiful person.
But.... would you go up and introduce yourself to someone you thought was TG, or would you admire from a distance and let them go on?

[Charlotte7]

No. This is fraught with so many potential problems, it shouldn't be done. Be happy with what you saw, but respect their privacy.

[IleneD]

This is one of the reasons I so love being a member of this forum.
The consensus group has a great way of gently and nicely setting me straight. You've verified my own suspicions that I exceeded normal limits. It's why I asked the question

So, the answer next time is "curb my enthusiasm". In my eagerness to reach out and connect with another soul who shares my life situation [ or at least one with whom I am sympathetic], I over-stepped. I thought by approaching her and telling her she was beautiful, I could affirm her sense of being. Wrong.

One member commented that by approaching her, I "blew her cover". Rather than affirming her, I probably horrified her that she didn't PASS and somehow stood out as a TG. For that, Lord, forgive me.

In the old movie, "The Sting" (R. Redford, P. Newman), the cast of people who were in on the sting, the plan, had a method to silently inform each other that they were part of the game. I believe they used a finger swipe alongside their nose to give the signal to others "I am one of you." I wish the CD/TG world had such an unofficial silent signal by which we could (silently) show others that we are with them; we are one of them, or we are sympathetic and understand.

Again, thank you all the for comments. This forum is great for my Learning Curve, and I value every input.

[Tracii G]

Most likely no for me but I have been approached and asked questions by GGs and was not bothered by their questions.
If another TG approached me I would not be upset at all.
I was at WalMart yesterday browsing the ladies dept in 50/50 mode and saw an employee that I am sure was TG because he was wearing his hair in a pony tail on top of his head and had light make up on.
He looked at me and smiled so I smiled back and moved on down the rack for something in my size.
Neither of us made personal contact just a smile and I am sure he knew we were both TG.

[Stephanie47]

As a general rule which is applied to all people if I make eye contact I will nod or just say "good morning." I would have said the same to the transgender person you saw. There has to more of a connection before I invade someone else's privacy.

[Kayliedaskope]

In the old movie, "The Sting" (R. Redford, P. Newman), the cast of people who were in on the sting, the plan, had a method to silently inform each other that they were part of the game. I believe they used a finger swipe alongside their nose to give the signal to others "I am one of you." I wish the CD/TG world had such an unofficial silent signal by which we could (silently) show others that we are with them; we are one of them, or we are sympathetic and understand.

We could blow silent kisses at each other!!!

No, wait .....



Seriously, though, it all depends on how people are approached. Some will be okay, others will get defensive because you've intruded on their personal space. Personally, I wouldn't have asked "That Question," but I may have politely complimented her on her jewelry, or that particular color of her dress matched her eyes, or something nice. A compliment to someone is never a bad way to open a conversation.

I used to work retail many moons ago, and I remember this one customer had come in: pale porcelain skin, light cat-eye makeup, flaming red hair just past the shoulders, and the most drop-dead gorgeous green eyes I'd ever seen, all wrapped in a nice dress, slim leather jacket, and heels - not goth, but definitely wow. I was stocking merchandise in the area and wasn't trying to be too obvious, but she knew I was looking. Finally, she asked, "is there a problem?" Oops ... busted. Since I had nothing left to lose at that point, I screwed up my courage and replied, "yes ... the problem is that you have such beautiful eyes that I'm having a difficult time not staring at them. Please forgive me." I was rewarded with a big smile and after a few minutes of conversation, an invitation to help her find the rest of the items on her list. It was a good day ...

[Pat]

So, Ilene -- I hope you got all that. You should; you shouldn't; it's probably OK; it's probably not. Let that be your guide for next time. In the end, you did what you did and the world didn't end. I think we have to trust you to read the situation and make the right choice.

[Fiona123]

I too would respect their privacy as i hope folks would resoect mine.

[MindiB]

I would have to say no. If anything if I was walking by and made eye contact I would just said hi like I do any other stranger.

[Lana Mae]

I too would respect their privacy! I would not want someone putting me on the spot! IMHO Hugs Lana Mae Well, maybe if it was someone from this forum who I know...?

[MissPaula]

With the huge "bathroom scandal" we've had here in North Carolina where some ciswomen were accused of being transgendered, I'd have to say no I'd never approach anyone and ask. I have complimented women before on their appearance as I do some males, but beyond that, no I wouldn't.

[Linda P.]

"In my eagerness to reach out and connect with another soul who shares my life situation."
And that is something I think we can all relate to and sympathise with.

[Ressie]

No Iilene, I spot CDs every so often and I don't approach them. I had an encounter with one at the grocery store as she was in the exact location I was in and actually I kind of caused her blind friend to fall down. We exchanged words politely, but I didn't mention anything about her being TG.

That said, it sounds like you were quite diplomatic and congenial with your encounter.

[Rachael Leigh]

I think to come right out and ask is not protocol for sure, I think my approach would just be enguage them in casual
conversation, maybe a nice complement on clothes or most anything but to ask outright unless it’s brought up by them then
no probably not

[Ressie]

I wish the CD/TG world had such an unofficial silent signal by which we could (silently) show others that we are with them

Always keep at least one pic of your en femme self on your phone. Just in case you wanna show someone, "that's me"!

[docrobbysherry]

In drab? Not in a million years!
And, telling anyone but a GG that she looks pretty, in a vanilla venue, when I'm in drab and could embarrass the heck out of them and me, isn't going to happen!

Dressed? Maybe. Depending on where and when. In a vanilla retail store? When dressed, I avoid places like that like the plague!

[Jess S.]

Ilene, I understand the urge to be nice and connect with others. Once I was in a some what similar situation and asked others what they thought. But as I found out after a bit of scolding.Guess its best to give privacy.

[April Rose]

Ilene, I am going to be the contrarian here and say that you did the right thing . The proof is in the result. I understand the reluctance to put another person on the spot, but obviously your instincts were correct, and you were sensitive in the way you approached her. The best friendship I have ever had with another tg spectrum person resulted from my being candid about myself as a crossdresser when we first met.

That being said, I would not recommend it to everyone. It is a sensitive situation, and it requires a delicate touch.

Still, we are a minority, and it takes us courage to live, day by day, and even more courage to connect. But connect we must, if we are to survive and thrive. Bravo to you for having the courage to try.

[Jodie_Lynn]

I am of two minds on this.

On the one hand, I can relate to IleneD's desire to recognize and engage with another CD/TG. There is a visceral comfort in knowing that we aren't alone. That there are others in our area that share our path.

On the other hand though, I cannot help but wonder how the other girl felt about the encounter. Did she feel that her presentation wasn't effective enough? Did she feel uncomfortable that her privacy was invaded? Or was she as thrilled to meet another 'sister' as the OP was? Did the companion of the woman feel the same?

What if IleneD was mistaken? What if the woman was a genetic female and resented the implication that she was less than a woman?

Please note that I am not making a judgement against Ilene, I am simply pointing out the thoughts I would have in that situation. I am not sure, but I think I would have restrained myself and honored the woman's privacy.

[LaurenS]

Ilene, I am going to be the contrarian here and say that you did the right thing ...and you were sensitive in the way you approached her.

That being said, I would not recommend it to everyone. It is a sensitive situation, and it requires a delicate touch.

Agree. Don’t think I have the skills to pull this off, and I certainly would not want to make a mistake, but it shows you are a kind, caring, and empathetic human being. Not going to pan what was a beautiful experience for you both, Ilene. Kudos.

[DIANEF]

Personally I wouldn't approach anyone. I have worked in retail a lot and served many obviously trans or CDing customers. Much as I would have liked to say something I chose not to, as honestly when I'm out I would not like any stranger approaching me to talk about being, for want of a better phrase, a little different. Not saying it's right or wrong, just I wouldn't do it.

[ToniG]

Probably best to leave others to have their privacy, unless its a planned mtg or encounter. "Results" could have gone south in a hurry. Especially if there had been any "mockers" nearby in the store.

[Rowan Ailbhe]

I would not be overt. Been in that situation. I tend to be alot warmer and more attentive and polite though...with correct pronouns.

[melissalynn]

I would not ask the question. I would not rule out a quite smile and nod though.

[Princess Chantal]

Eventhough I wouldn’t approach someone and ask, I have been approached and questioned a few times from those in the transgender community and numerous times from other folks. When I first started going out in public (years 2002/2003) and had the primary focus on blending in, I felt offended. By the middle of 2004 I became proud of my crossdressing and with a smile on my face am (and have been) very welcoming of being approached and questioned. My intentions are not to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes, but to enjoy my crossdressing to it’s fullest.