Coming out to family, friends, & HR. Oh, my...

[Joan.Meredith]

Hello all,

Well to say that the last two weeks have been a hand full would be a understatement. As the title says, I've been telling my friends both supportive and unsupportive. I've got about 20 some supportive friends, and it helps seeing their names in my contacts. Because I'm sure that most of my unsupportive friends will be leaving me. If they stay I'll be surprised, I just hope it won't be one of those "I'm here to talk you out of it relationships" at that point.

And yesterday I sat down with the head of HR and talked with her a bit. She had a bit of a idea because she knew why my depression was on and off. So I told her that over this coming year I'll be starting transitioning to living full time. I told her that I'd get her some information that she could use as a guide. She is older, but understanding. Not to mention I work at a company that has about 200-250 people as a manufacturing engineer. Oh, and I'm the only one so I interact with just about everyone.

I guess, one reason I'm writing this today is in hopes that some of you out there wouldn't mind sharing there coming out letter to their company. I want to be in the driver seat on this, the company has been around for over 100yrs, and current management operates like they want to move forward but have a hard time getting everyone on board. So I don't want to just leave this to HR's idea's.

As for family, my soon to be Ex knows, so do my kids, and one of my cousins. I'm nervous about my parents, I've told my dad in the past that "I feel like a woman" and he just wanted to pay for my counseling to stay a man. I don't know if he'll "help" with this like he tried in the past. Then there is my aunt, she is ok with her Gay son, but when she found out I was considering living as my true self. Wow, I got the "don't do that to your kids" speech. Also one of my 2 or 3rd removed cousins knows as well, and she is cool with it.

The big surprise has been the Scout Pack that I'm in. All the leaders support me, and want me to continue to be a leader in the Scout Pack.

So this coming year is going to be full of ups and downs I'm sure, but I'm trying to stay positive. I've got my first appointment with a endocrinologist that my primary doctor has used before just after New Years. So I'm excited.

*I think this thread is in the correct place. Please have pitty, and move it if it is in the wrong place. Trying to play by the rules. Honest*

Joan

[Nigella]

Welcome to the rocky road of coming out Joan.

Have a look at this link for coming out letters, its not got anything recent, but it may help you formulating your responses/letters

[Rachael Leigh]

Joan you sound like your situation is much like mine. I have come out fully at my job in the past few months and now work
as Rachael. I began like you with HR and they were most helpful. If the company doesn’t already have policies in place that
might be a issue for you. Bathroom use comes to mind on this. Do your research and I’m not sure of all the resources but
they are available.
I too have a Dr appointment next year to begin my HRT do I wish you well and your right lots of ups and downs I’m just glad we have a place to share here
Rachael

[Joan.Meredith]

Thank you Nigella.

I've sent a letter already to some of my Collage friends and old co-workers. Waiting to see what happens.

[Sara Olivia]

Hi Joan,
I wish you all the best in your transition and that everything will work out positively with your friends, family and place of work.

I can relate to everything you write about and thought that perhaps I might have some advice to offer you as well. I started hormones 18 months ago and this also represents a starting point for me in the sense that friends and family who knew that I was transgender before, now realized that this was much more than sometimes dressing in girls clothes in the privacy of my home. So thats really when I had to go back and sit down with my parents, my brother and other members of my family to explain to them their misconceptions and why it was so critically important for me to move forward in this direction. These conversations weren't easy and there were many tears shed. In the end I believe my entire family is firmly behind me with this transition. I do realize, however, just how fortunate I am with this outcome as this outcome is far from a certainty. I have been moved to tears often on this site reading about others here and how they have been rejected by many, and sometimes all, of their loved ones.

I started working fulltime as Sara at the beginning of September this year. Two months prior to that date I had meetings with each of my managers individually and informed them that I was hoping to transition at the beginning of September. I had a long conversation with each and at the end of the meetings they were on my side and fully supportive of my planned transition. I then spoke to each of my twenty or so colleagues one on one when I could get them in private. This took me another two or three weeks. By the time September rolled around every one of my colleagues was fully aware that moving forward they would only know me as Sara.

Just last week one of my female colleagues told me how seamlessly, her word not mine, I had transitioned into a female at work and how everyone thought that I was much more natural as a female than the male I had been previously. I asked her if she thought that there were things that I could have done better in telling everyone about my situation. Her response was that it was huge that I made the effort to talk to each colleague one on one and explain to them what I was going through. She told me that by doing this I had brought them all onside right from the start. The next thing that I apparently did correctly was my presentation at work once I started working as Sara. Many of the members on this site will remember my drawn out concern about how to dress that first day of work and of course on subsequent days. The consensus, and it was the correct one, from the group was to make sure to blend in with the other females at work. Well apparently blend in I did and it did not go unnoticed. I was told by my colleague that they appreciated the effort I had made to dress like a normal woman living in 2017 and working in a casual environment. Their preconception of transgender women had them thinking that I might show up in a frilly dress and heels. When I dressed just like they did it was appreciated though they didn't say that specifically. I was just complemented on my taste in clothes at the time. Much of that credit goes to many of the women here who made suggestions and to my wife who helped me pick out items in the stores. I digress.

Anyways back to my advice to you. Obviously working in a company with up to 200 employees will not make it possible to talk to all of them one on one. However I would suggest to you that you talk one on one to as many as you can. Choose the people who know you best and whom you are most likely to get onside supporting you. I used to work in a company of 150 people and so I know that some people take on leadership roles in social groups even if their job description isn't that of a manager. Talk to those people one on one too and get them onside. If they are on your side they will likely bring others to your side as well. Be open and honest with them as to why this is something that you have to do. Most people respond positively and compassionately to openness and honesty. Study your female colleagues and how they behave and dress. Once you start to work as Joan, dress and behave in a manner similar to how they do. Similar to how modern women do in this part of the world.

I hope this helps somewhat. I vividly recall my first day, my first week, working as Sara. I was terrified, often felt glued to my desk and hid in my corner of the office as much as I could. Day by day it got easier. Now three months later, work life is back at a state of normalcy. Rarely does one of my colleagues still misgender me and if they do they apologize profusely. Everyone has gone on with their work and we all work together the same as before my transition to Sara. I am sure the same will happen for you.

I know that it will all work out for you. Just keep a positive attitude and know that you can do this. If someone had told me three years ago that in three years time I would finally be living my life and working as Sara I would have told them "Not in a million years. I don't have the courage to do that". Well somewhere I and many others here have found that courage and so will you. All the best.

[kathtx]

At my job (I'm a professor at a research university) I didn't do a coming out letter per se. I met first with HR and my department head. What HR recommended, and what we did, was to arrange a department meeting in which the head of HR and the head of the campus LGBT office informed everyone of my upcoming transition, gave a short presentation, and then took questions. They left it up to me whether or not to attend the meeting; I chose not to attend, but wrote a short note to be read. I chose not to attend because I didn't want any negative initial reactions to color future interactions with my colleagues.

Here's the note: "First of all, my apologies for announcing this in an impersonal setting rather than talking to people individually; I hope you understand that in a large department a more personal approach isn't practical.

This is something [my wife, who works at the same university] and I have known about for many years, and we're both happy it's finally able to happen. However, I know that for most of you, this is surprising. For some of you, I'm perhaps the first transgender person you've met and you're not sure what to expect. It's pretty simple, really; despite any changes in appearance I'll be the same person you already know, so just interact with me the same as you've always done. Please don't walk on eggshells worrying about whether you mess up pronouns and all that at first. I know from my own experience with friends transitioning that it takes a while to adjust. You all know me well enough to know I'm easygoing, so relax. Just be as kind and respectful to me as Katharine as you've always been to me as Kevin, and it will be fine.

What I'd most like to happen is for things to be business as usual after transition: on a professional level I'll do my research and teaching and mentoring as always, and on a personal level I'll enjoy as always being a part of this friendly and collegial department."

The meeting was in April. The response has been overwhelmingly positive, even from some of the more socially conservative colleagues. If anyone has any negative thoughts about it, they've not expressed them to my wife or me.

My family and closest friends already knew a transition was in the cards at some point, so there was no coming out to do there. Coming out to my wider circle of friends and more distant family has been painless. My wife's family wasn't so easy. She has a *huge* extended family to whom she's quite close. Her family is, with a few exceptions, very religious and very conservative. My coming out as trans also meant her coming out as lesbian. She was seriously worried about being cut off by parts of her family. When she outed us to her family a few years ago, her dad (one of the exceptions to the conservatism rule) was wonderfully supportive, as were her brother and his family. Her mom didn't talk to us for a few months; she's since come around to the point where she seems to realize that this is who we are. From some in her extended family we got the "we don't approve of your lifestyle but love you anyway blah blah" trope, but others were surprisingly positive. Nobody wrote either of us off.

There was also talking to our kids' teachers, parents of our kids' friends, and all that. No problems there.

So, many very positive reactions, only a few slightly negative. For most people it's a non-issue. Lots of people replied with something like, "oh, that's cool!"

I wish you the best with the transition and the coming out leading up to it. It's stressful, but like many things in life I found it all more stressful in anticipation than in actuality. I know that's not always the case. But even my wife's very traditional family has been mostly OK, so there's hope.