Coming out

[foxy bartender]

So, I’ve been feeling really depressed lately, as I’ve had some setbacks and awful treatment from my fiancé’s family regarding my gender expression. I’ve decided that I want to come out to all my family and friends so I can just be myself from now on. I’m going to talk to my fiancé about it tonight, and I’m so scared. She’s very supportive and accepting, and I think she will understand, but I don’t know for sure.
I have no idea how to tell everyone, and I’m thinking about a post on Facebook, explaining as best as I can, how I feel. I’d love to hear any advice from y’all that have already gone through this.

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi Foxy

My advice is no more valid than anyone else but here is my

FCUK Facebook.

Talk to real people. Your fiance, family and REAL friends.

Those who really matter will offer you the support network you deserve and will need.

I'm not old (I don't think) but I have been around the block enough to know that those you can hold are dearest.

Facebook hasn't worked out a way to do that just yet.

This is an important moment I your life. Don't let a keyboard warrior have the opportunity to comment on that.

Be you, be free, keep your real family and friends close.

Tammy x

[foxy bartender]

Thanks Tammy!
The reason that I’ve thought to use Facebook, is that I move around a lot, and am always busy. Most of my family and friends don’t even live in the same state as I do. The most important people in my life, my fiancé and my sister, already know and support me, and have for years. I wanted to just kinda tell everyone else in my life, that I may not see in person for quite some time, but still talk to frequently. I could call each person individually, but my anxiety couldn’t handle that.
I just feel that coming out will help some of my anxiety about being myself.

[Pat]

My feeling is that Facebook is fine for acquaintances but not for people who are important in your life. When I came out to family, I had to use email because of distances, but as soon as I could afterward, I followed it up with face-to-face talks. When you're actually talking to someone there's so much more information flowing than just words, and if there are any ill-chosen words, you each can adjust immediately. Plus, I think it shows a little more respect -- that you care about their reaction enough to want to see them in person for it.

Of course, if it all goes sideways, it will be more drama as well. But perhaps we also owe our loved ones the chance to be dramatic.

Good luck. Whatever you choose to do.

[Pumped]

Then write an email to them, it needs to be more personal than Facebook. The family and friends that are in visiting distance talk to in person.

Also, unless you plan on dressing while visiting friends and family they really don't need to know. If you plan on dressing 100% of the time I guess they need to know. If you just dress around town, locally not everyone needs to know. You could always just start dressing in more gender neutral clothing and work into it and let them figure it out too.

[foxy bartender]

Thanks Pat!
I’m not very close with many people, other than my sister and my fiancé. I do kinda like your email idea, but I’m sure I don't have anyone’s emails, since I don’t really keep in touch with anyone that way.
You and Tammy are right, it’s totally impersonal, and I think that’s why I’m thinking of it. I’m absolutely terrified about doing it, but I’m equally terrified for my mental health if I don’t rip the band aid off. I’m at a point in my life where I just can’t go on without being authentic.

[Kayliedaskope]

So, since you have those people on Facebook, just ask them for their personal emails. "Look, I need to tell you something very important and personal, and I don't feel like having the whole world see it." More than likely, it will at least spark their curiousity enough to get you their email to find out what's going on.

Facebook is--well, not only impersonal, but downright mean and nasty. People you don't even know will be all over you for anything you put online, and will find a way to twist your true sincere words into the most outrageous statements ever. There's a reason why it gets called "Fakebook" ...

Sit down with your notepad (or WordPad, or Excel) and write out the letter you want to send. Don't do it on your email yet - do it on whatever word processing program you use. In the letter, just let it all hang out - this is the way I've been feeling, this is what my life feels like, this is how I feel when I dress up, and so on. Type out everything you can think of, then save it - do NOT send it right away. Wait a day or two, go back and look at it again, see if there's anything you want to add, delete, or change. Save it again, and again wait a couple of days before repeating the process a third (fourth, fifth ...?) time to make sure every word says what you want it to say. (In the meantime, you could be gathering those addresses from Facebook.). Finally, when you feel the time is right and you have done the best you can do to explain everything, then and only then paste it into an email and send it.

I won't lie to you - this is not going to be easy. There may be opposition. It's going to be scary (well, duh, right?) People may look at you like you've suddenly grown an extra head or something. People you've known for years may suddenly "lose track" if you (in reality, they can't handle it.). BUT, on the plus side of this, they may also accept it, as well. You may find a lot of love and support and acceptance, which is pretty much all any of us want. Everyone's story is different, but only the story that you will be writing from now on will be the true authentic you.

No matter what happens, know that you have my respect for your bravery in taking this step. Some of us (yes, me included) never make it this far, instead keeping to the shadows for all of our lives, too afraid to step out into the light.

You go, girl.

[foxy bartender]

Thank you so much Kaylie, that’s really good advice. Honestly, I’m not gonna be upset if I lose some friends or family, I need to know just who’s on my side. I’m going to listen to y’all and keep it more private. I definitely see all of your points. I’m going to start drafting my letter tonight, and I will take my time, so I can get it right.
This is exactly why I love this forum. Big thanks to all of you ladies, I truly appreciate your advice

[Rowan Ailbhe]

Lots of good advice.

I am slowly coming out to people I trust....and to overwhelming support. Now, I do not know if it makes a difference in coming out as a cross dresser, or coming out trans....I have no way to parse that.
I have come out to a couple of awesome people by simply showing up (entertaining...but don't do this to people you do not already know their attitudes...) A couple I have simply told....like my mom....most of my day to day social life is online....so alot of folks have gotten private messages explaining that they are people I trust who are important to me, and that I feel the need to share part of my journey with them, and I explain a few things as I think it necessary to for each person, and I send them a couple of my prettier pictures. I have had some expressions of shock, and quite a few..."yeah...that makes sense" (and makes me feel warm amd fuzzy) but certainly all support.
If I decide to transition on into physical changes (likely) at some.point, I will have to come out at work (I also have a long range plan of attack for that) and by that time, all of the people I am truly.close to will know.
At that point....after all the folks closest know, only then will I make an announcement on social media, as I have a fairly large following....and I will temper it with a statement that I will understamd those who choose to turn from me, and I will cherish those who do not, but that I am done living at the whim of other's insecurity. The five most important people in my world support me, as far as I need to go...and that is enough.

I would not recommend a general announcement on social media, without extensive round work amd circumspection though.

I do find it therapeutic to come out to individuals on an interpersonal basis, though. It will sure build,your confidence...just be sure to pick your tribe carefully.

[LaurenS]

But perhaps we also owe our loved ones the chance to be dramatic.

There is wisdom in that line.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm probably the only one on the forum who just doesn't understand coming out like this. I mean, on a very basic and grass roots level, I don't get it and I don't think it's necessary or even a good idea. I understand that you don't want to hide it anymore. My suggestion is... don't hide it! If/when they see whatever it is you're not hiding anymore, answer their questions. Basically, don't say it, do it! If you're posting pics on social media, post pics that speak for themselves. These people that you don't see very often? Next time they see you just BE whatever it is you're wanting to tell them.

People outside of this community do not understand any of this. There is no possible way you'll adequately explain it, and you'll be trying to explain your coming out letter for the rest of your life.

[DaisyLawrence]

I'm wife Rhonda Jean on this one. She took the words right out of my mouth. Just do as she suggests and what will be will be.

(Rhonda - you are not the only one afterall).

[foxy bartender]

Thank you Rhonda!
So, I’ve actually just been doing that for the past year, and over the past couple of months, I have been just being myself, with no explanation to anybody, and I ended up getting my fiancé and I kicked out of where we lived. We were staying in an apartment in a member of her families home, which we were invited to use while we saved for our wedding. I was simply being myself, dressing as I felt comfortable, wearing makeup and keeping my nails painted. They didn’t even attempt to talk to us about it, they just asked us to leave by sliding a note under the door. It broke my heart, and I immediately packed a suitcase and moved across the country, while my fiancé stayed to pack, and finalize things with her job. We spent thousands to move there 3 months ago, and are now spending thousands more to move across the country to get far away from them. I’m at a point where I’d rather pull the band aid off and let the people in my life that don’t accept me to disappear from my life. I have no intention of changing who I am, as it’s the only way I’m able to feel whole.
I’ve been around many of my fiancé’s friends, wearing skirts, leggings, makeup, just feeling comfortable in myself, and they were accepting, or at least polite. I just don’t want to feel the pain that comes from mean people anymore, so I want to give them the chance to disappear.
Y’all have definitely made me rethink coming out on Facebook, but I still want to be honest and let the chips fall where they will. My fiancé completely supports my journey, and will stand behind me no matter what. I have every intention of continuing to wear skirts, dresses, leggings and makeup to make myself feel feminine and comfortable.
You said just to be myself, and answer their questions, but I still have trouble understanding who I am, myself.
I’m not sure I’m articulate enough to put it into words on the spot. In a letter, I can take my time and edit myself. Which is the only reason I even considered that path.
It’s clear I need to contemplate this further, thank y’all for helping me so much!
❤️

[Taylor186]

My initial impression when reading your first post was that you need to talk to a gender therapist before outing yourself to your distant relatives and/or Facebook friends. Shouldn't be too hard to find one in the Bay Area. I also agree with Rhonda's wise advice. So just be yourself in your new home area and see where that takes you. And, if you cannot be yourself on Facebook then back away from Facebook for a while.

[Sidney]

First I have come out to the people I trust in person. I just felt with family and friends I loved I owed it to them to personal face to face.

You made the comment you don't know if you could find the words to express yourself because you still don't understand yourself, or words to that effect. You are you and I am me BUT for me it took a year of gender counseling before I could put words to my feelings. So that being said I would suggest counseling.

Good luck with your new life.

[Stephanie47]

I adhere to the phrase "Once the Genie is out of the bottle, she's not going back in." I am an adherent of living your own life and not someone else's life. There are societal norms and expectations that we are never going to met, nor should we attempt to meet. People react differently to people who do not conform to society's laws. I think you found that out when you were rudely evicted from your apartment. Is it necessary to make a general posting of an intimate nature for everyone to see? I'm sure there will be a wide range of reactions to the information. That will not be limited to past relationships, but, also future relationships that are unknown at this time.

I have to assume you are under a lot of stress right now. Just planning a wedding is sufficient stress for anyone. Moving across country and back again is also stressful. Finding meaningful employment for you and your intended wife adds to that. You're in the midst of a personal storm without taking into consideration any transgender issues, which I truly believe become stronger with stress. I, as well as from those who post on the site, go to things that will aid them to weather the storm. People will gravitate to things when under stress.

It is a good idea to see a qualified therapist to sort out your feelings. It is never a good idea to do something irrationally in the belief it will solve all problems. Just be cautious.

[Rowan Ailbhe]

Another thought....and one I am about to act on....make a separate fb account with your real self....then find a tribe there. YMMV...

[Shelly Preston]

Foxy, the first question you should ask yourself is "do they need to know"

I am sure you can sit down and work out who should be told and who can be told at a later date if required. I guess that depends on who you will see and how often.

[Rhonda Jean]

Foxy,
I usually refrain from even commenting on these coming out threads because I know I'm such an outlier, which probably means I'm wrong. As I already said, I don't understand it, which is another good reason for me to keep my mouth shut, but since I didn't this time...

What will be improved by such a coming out? Do you think you'll be better accepted, or will this just preemptively run off anybody that might be run off when they find out some other way? Consider who will get this email and what their reaction will be. Will they understand you? Will they understand the whole incredibly incredibly complicated issue of trans identity? Can you cover that in the space of an email?

This exact thing crops up here occasionally. Sometimes the last statement from the OP is that they did it and their sister can't wait to take them shopping!! Ummm. OK. I wouldn't be too optimistic about that. Not that there aren't accepting and supportive sisters, mothers, etc., but is a mass proclamation the best way to find out?

You and your fiance have made a hell of a commitment at a lot of social and monetary expense. That note that was slid under your door would have been slid under your door after your email, too.

Let's remove some of the complexity of the whole trans thing and pretend this is all about one single issue, say, wearing nail polish. Let's say you decide to announce via email to anybody and everybody that you've started wearing nail polish and you really like it, and from now on you're going to wear nail polish all the time. Now imagine the reaction of the recipients. Alternately, imagine that without prior notice you show up at your sister's house wearing nail polish. To me, it just goes over better if you just show up.

You never indicated you are transitioning, so I assume you aren't. That being the case, you'll probably choose to be more out with some than you are with others. Maybe not at all to some. There's nothing wrong with that. There's no need to box yourself in. By coming out, you may be just trading the box you're in for another one. I seriously think that coming out as you are preparing to do will only drive you further away from inclusion and acceptance. I think it'll be a kiss-off letter to everybody on the list, except maybe a straggler or two who tell you they still love you. They would have loved you regardless.

Let us know how this works out.

Rhonda

[foxy bartender]

I can’t even express how grateful I am for all this advice, and that’s exactly why I made this post. Y’all have truly helped, I had a very good talk with my fiancé this morning, and we both agree that once we get settled after our move to Nashville in January, I’m going to start seeing a gender therapist. I don’t know that I want to fully transition yet, because we want to have a baby, after the wedding and we find a home to buy. As much as I think I’d like to start hormones, I have to wait until afterwards. I know that therapy will help me determine how to deal with all of this.
I was having such a hard day yesterday, and all of you helped me to feel like I could get out of bed today, and kick my depression out!
Thank you, to all of you.

[Jean 103]

First my FB page is privet. All my FB friends I have met face to face. There is no mention of me being TG on it, but all my friends know.

Put together a group on FB of people who you first want to tell and go from there.

When I came out I did it face to face, one at a time.

Best of luck
Jean

[Beverley Sims]

Forget any non personal communication, personal interaction with the two you mentioned in a previous post is the ONLY way to start in my opinion

[foxy bartender]

Hi Beverly, I think you’re talking about my sister and my fiancé, and I have had private conversations with them. I was even having a very good conversation with my fiancé earlier today. I wanted to kinda let other people know, so I didn’t have to have so many private conversations, it’s tough for me due to my bad anxiety.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Kayliedaskope's advice is superb. Write out everything you feel, then sit on it. Look at it again the next day, edit it, and keep doing that until you've had a real chance to be sure it's what you want to say.

I'm also opposed to spreading the word on Facebook, but I understand that it's your preferred method.

[phili]

Hi Foxy,
I was all ready to hit SEND on a long email to my entire address book, and I pulled back- I'm now with Rhonda Jean on this. TG is in the news everywhere, so people can figure it out if you are wearing a dress, and ...most importantly, if you were a GG you would not be telling people you are going to be wearing a dress.

I realized that people don't want to be part of my coming out drama- they want me to jut be who the heck I am and then get on with whatever we were doing.

If your primary relationship is solid and your fiancé loves you, you are out to the one who is going to be by your side going forward. Next time someone puts a note under your door, call them up and talk with them. Why are they doing this?