Moving on update.

[LeannS]

Teresa
That is great that you have sold the house and can begin on YOUR new adventure!!!
oh btw love the new avatar

[Lydianne]

Congratulations, Teresa! Happy new year!

- Lydianne.

[Teresa]

Many , many thanks you all your good wishes, what a wonderful forum it is to have so much understanding and support.

I'm sure others have said they go through a period of seeing the male side rather than the femme, I felt my new avatar lost so much of those feelings , my arms and hands actually look almost elegant , the blouse and skirt have photographed well , I admit I did feel good in the outfit and very comfortable with myself . If I can be out and about feeling and looking this way I'll be more than happy.

I appreciate you kind comments on my new avatar , looks like it's a keeper !

Maybe I should correct some comments that I'm only going to separate from my wife, we remain amicable , we will still support the children and grandchildren, I'm not that naive to think things won't change .

[Becky Blue]

Thats really good news Teresa, I am really happy for you. best of luck I am sure everything will work out and you will look back on this period of your life as the start of the new beginning.

[carolyn todd]

Good luck Teresa.

Carolyn

[DMichele]

Teresa,
Congrats on resolving the real estate; and I hope your Xmas is mostly happiness.
Best of luck moving forward!

[karenph]

Congratulations Teresa - I know you have been patiently waiting for this process to unfold. Thanks for sharing your journey. Have a great holiday season as you are at the precipice of your new life!

[Tina_gm]

Best of luck. Don't spend too much time on your ex wife's home. Remember, she is an "ex" and will likely be moving on.

I was thinking about this as well. Teresa, I very much do believe that you by separating are doing the right thing for both you and her. But, I would be careful about the idea that you still have to be responsible for her and take care of her. Perhaps you may be feeling some sense of guilt, which is understandable, but what also may happen by doing all of this care taking for a middle age adult woman is that you may end up not being able to get past this guilt as she will be a constant reminder of it all. The negative feelings will continue to ride on the surface and will be more difficult to get past for either of you. Of course you can still support your family, but you have adult children and they can or should be taking care of themselves and your grandchildren as well.

I can tell you, although for different reasons that my 1st wife initially was in my life more than she needed to be and the healing process, mostly anger in my case festered on in an unhealthy state until I created the space from her needed to heal my anger. If anything what contact I do have with her now is about as healthy as it can be all things considered. I rarely think of her, have no toxic anger anymore. I am not close to her but can communicate about our kids when needed.

[Teresa]

Gendermutt,
I'm going to heed your words, the anger does surface more than it should, I'm putting it down the the stressful time of buying and selling homes . Despite that she does appear to be clinging onto her man , her wish list is increasing rather than decreasing, she's knows she moving onto borrowed time in the New Year , it will only be a few short weeks before I move into my new home and I don't how much work that will require to meet my needs .

You are also correct in saying my grown up children will have to start to fend for themselves more , they will have to realise that we aren't as available, they will have to learn the same compromises my wife and I made at their age .

OK I will raise the point that would we have separated anyway and has my CDing made that decision easier ? Would it have been very different if I had and affair instead , she has know it could always been a possibility , I've never cheated on her in fact she accepts my Cding has kept me faithful .

[Tina_gm]

I am going to address your last paragraph 1st. Separation from a long marriage is always going to be rough, and there is always going to be a reason or reasons and none of them are ever going to be easy. Maybe easy with the reason, but not with dealing with that reason. Had it been for infidelity, there would still be anger, but it would be a different anger. And maybe she would have not wanted you in her presence whatsoever? But then who knows. Yours is a reason of incompatibility. There are many ways marriages end due to that. Gender issues is just one of the many. The problems with it are that they are the least understood. By that I mean, its probably hard to understand why she has such a problem with it, and for her, it is all just a great big mystery. It still boils down to incompatibility though, and while there will be anger from her, and to some degree warranted, you must be able to forgive yourself, and she needs to also move on with her life and heal. You did both try, but it didn't work. You both likely feel the other one didn't try hard enough and you may both be right to some degree too, but it wasn't like either of you took a crap on each other without any thought or care about the other.

When I divorced my 1st wife I kept the house. Saddled myself in ridiculous debt, both from the house and a total F-it attitude, and a bit of mid life crisis thrown in. But, she lived nearby, within 10 minutes and was over frequently usually when the kids were with me. This went on for about 4 years. During that time I can say I lost track of all the broken dishes glasses and trips to the hardware store for door handles and sheetrock repair kits. We never healed. She still hasn't and never will, but now that's on her not me. BTW, all the damage done was not in the presence of her or the kids, I held it in and then lit up like a christmas tree later on. Had I made a better separation, I would have not wasted so much negative energy on anger for those years and probably would have been a whole lot more responsible with money, which took me years to dig out of that debt.

It may sound cold, but you have done what you feel you could do for all those years. I am not suggesting abandoning her completely, but make your own home your priority over hers. Make your life now a priority over yours. She will likely play your guilt card as it seems she is doing, and either just to get as much out of it as she can or because she feels she is entitled to it. She really isn't though, and the only way for that to stop is for you to truly make that emotional separation of sorts. When she says jump you will learn 1st not to say how high, and eventually not to jump at all. Just do yourself a favor and not spend your new life chasing after her new life.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Saying 'No' is harder for some people than others. Much harder. My wife finds it almost impossible - I find it easy.

I've noticed a pattern emerging with Teresa, a movement in the direction of self-preservation, independence. When I first started reading her posts, about a year after she began posting, I remember so many replies saying the same things I thought: why is all the giving, adapting and compromising coming from Teresa? How can she put up with a wife who seems prepared to give nothing while wanting everything her own way?

Yet here we are only a few years later, congratulating Teresa on having sold the marital home and having her offer on her own house accepted.

It isn't easy being Teresa, having a conscience, having such a deep sense of responsibility to someone who, quite frankly, seems content to milk every ounce of good will that she can, but I feel confident that Teresa knows exactly what she's doing and that in another year or two her life will be unimaginably different to how it was when she began her posts.

And if at some point, when her ex casually mentions that she'd really like the bathroom tiles changed...again...perhaps Teresa will finally say 'No'. But until that time, let's just support her and the choices she makes, because when you look at the bigger picture, she has already got closer to creating the life she truly wants than many of the rest of us ever will.

[Tina_gm]

Supporting her can also be to encourage her to find or create the ability to say no. For different reasons and through different means, I went through the same inabilities to say no. I use my own experiences to show how that continued connection without the ability to say no can cause ourselves toxic hardship. I am also aware and as I stated that 1st will come the ability to not say how high, then later on not jump at all. Just as it was for me and will be for Teresa, not an overnight aha moment. It was also mostly with the help of my current wife who helped me to take more control of my own life, back when my current wife and I were newly dating.

I very much believe that all humans tend to live in their own bubble, and that while can be good in a lot of ways, we sometimes need help from someone outside that bubble to give us a different view, as we only get the view from the inside looking out, which is far from a complete view. It is often a very myopic view. So supporting comes from a lot of different ways. My life was made better because someone outside of my bubble showed me how things could be done differently, and that the world would not stop spinning because of it. It took me many small leaps of faith, as it will for Teresa. She has shown now much more ability to control her own life and follow the path that is best for her. I think nearly all of us are in agreement and are supportive of her with her separation from her wife. Now comes how to best do that, and those of us outside of Teresa's bubble can share our views, which may be differing at times and that is actually a very good thing as Teresa can take some of mine, which may work for her, others which may not which she doesn't have to utilize, Some from others that will be helpful to her that are different from mine. And of course lastly just her own free will to live the life she desires to.

[Teresa]

Nikki,
I know at times you pass some very lighthearted comments but I can see from your astute thoughts you have been keeping a more serious eye on my progress, I really appreciate your reply and I will admit I never thought my life would be going in this direction . I hope it does give others the encouragement to believe it can happen but not at the expense of other people.

gendermutt,
We have had some heated exchanges but I appreciate your replies based on your own experience , many thanks for your thoughts and support.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Gendermutt seems to think my comment was a response to hers! It was an entirely general response I assure you, and it addressed my own former views on Teresa's relationship with her ex as much as anybody else's.

Gendermutt's opinions and advice are always on the money and no criticism was intended.

[Tina_gm]

Nikki, thank you, it's all good. Teresa, ultimately I've always been on your side to live the life you need to. Ending a long term marriage is never easy. There will likely never be that perfect goodbye or place where pain and sadness goes away completely. I do believe you are doing what is right for both you and her too. I wish you the best.

[paulinescotlandcd]

I have read all your posts with great interest, all I can say is that I wish you heaps and heaps of good luck and await with interest your next post.

[Rayleen]

Teresa, I wish you the best to achieve your happiness.