Finding myself
Whew, long post. Here goes...
I've always been a pretty open person, and in April last year I took a risk and turned up to one of our work parties as Emily. The company I work for is fairly small - around 200 people - so everyone there knew me. But I felt confident doing it because the people I work with are without exception bright and friendly people who couldn't care less what I wear. And I'm pleased to say that on the day I was proven absolutely right.
I've received unequivocal support from my colleagues and the directors, including the knowledge that if I get trouble from anyone then the problem is theirs, not mine, and they'll be out like a shot. I've not had to resort to this thankfully, but it's a nice thing to have in the back pocket nonetheless. I've also been given carte blanche to wear what I like to work, occasion or no, so long as I meet the same standards required of the female employees.
So what's happened since then? Well, I'm still trying to figure things out. There have been a few more work do's where I've very happily gone all out and had a blast once again. But those nights, no matter how great, never last long enough and are also fairly infrequent. I've added a few nights out and other things into the mix, but ultimately I've not been out as Emily all that much. I *did* post pictures from the party on Facebook, though. So everyone knows about me - there's absolutely no element of secrecy anymore.
After the secrecy, the biggest barrier for me has always been make-up. I'm still yet to put any effort into learning it for myself. I've found a local girl who's happy to come to me and do it pretty cheaply, and the times when I make use of that are still rare enough that I don't feel the need for more. It's a "special treat" thing as opposed to an "every day" thing. I'm just not that bothered about make-up to be honest - I like the end result, but the process holds no interest for me. To be honest, I doubt I'll ever learn. Even as a kid I hated having my face painted!
Somewhat paradoxically, though, I'd still like to dress more than I do. During the summer of the last two years, I've mixed things up a bit and worn the occasional maxi skirt with wedges at work. People have been positive about this - again, the main blocker has been myself. I've stuck to the summer months because I felt like somehow that gave me extra justification, like I needed the hot weather to justify my 'practical' choice. And it's been a faff because I walk to work, which means packing the extra clothes and changing in the toilets. And then, as summer recedes, I'm back to boring old drab.
Well that all changed this month. As Christmas approached I decided it was about time that I got myself some red boots. I had in the back of my mind that on the last day of work I might try to go with some festive skirt/boots combo, but then I got shopping and bought more than expected. I ended up with two pairs of boots and three new skirts that I thought would go with them!
And then I wore them to work. The lower pair at first, which are a berry colour with gold studs, along with a similarly coloured skirt. I walked to work, then diverted straight to the bathroom and changed into them just like in the summer. No one said much, except for a few compliments. But the way I felt clomping about the office was unbelievable! The boots were perfectly comfortable and absolutely filled me with confidence. So I wore them to work the next day, on the walk. I wore trousers that day, but still - this was entirely new for me.
And then I broke in the second pair at work, with a different skirt, and still the world didn't end. I realised at around midday that I was interviewing a job candidate in an hour's time and went to check with personnel that my clothing wouldn't be a problem. They told me it was fine, and then later that week a director grabbed me to make sure I'd got the point. If I want to interview in a skirt, or meet external clients, or meet an important member of government - as long as I'm comfortable, there's no problem. Wow!
My confidence at an all-time high, I got more adventurous. I wore a pencil skirt with a clearly feminine top and boots, and walked the half hour to work in those clothes without bringing any backup. What a rush! And I received more compliments that day from colleagues than on any of the others. Our last day rolled around, and as the festivities began and people started to get merry I was blown away by the number who approached me to say they'd noticed the changes. People told me I was inspirational, that I was pushing boundaries - it was overwhelmingly positive. One girl commented that the thing she likes most is that I still wear my nerdy/goofy t-shirts on top, just with a skirt - it's still just me. I identified a lot with that. That is me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going all-out once in a while... but I think I like the freedom of this more.
One of my gay friends who I've been out with in Leeds a few times approached me to ask, "Are you still Emily sometimes?". My answer was "yeah, sometimes...". But as I said it's pretty rare. To be honest, outside of my online persona I'm not sure how much I even identify with that name. It's definitely only when I'm fully dressed up, and even then I really don't care if people use my male name - after all, that's me! I've tried a couple of times to get fully made over for some sort of casual occasion and I've always just felt self-conscious and a bit weird about it... now I think I'm starting to understand/accept that.
In a few days I'll be headed down south to spend Christmas with my family. My boots are coming with me, as are a few skirts (although how comfortable I feel about those remains to be seen). I've not dressed in front of my family before, although I did have residual glitter on my nails last year which didn't cause too much of a stir. This year my nails are full on 'Christmas' in a glittery red and gold - no apologies. And the boots are definitely here to stay.
So, um, hey. I'm Alex, and I think I'm finally figuring things out. I'm excited to see what I'll do next!
Originally Posted by Allisa
