Hi all- nothing exciting going on over here. I’m currently with family celebrating the holiday and am completely in guy mode. It sucks knowing that I can’t be myself with anyone here really. It sucks pretending to be a stereotypic, masculine, bro with my cousins. I want to be accepted but I’m terrified of what would happen if I came out to my family. I don’t think I’d be welcomed back next Christmas. It kills me seeing my cousins and aunts all wearing their Christmas dresses and outfits, seeing their hair and make up done- knowing damn well that I could do it better. I want to chat and exchange stories with them, but that won’t happen. And if it does, it will always be with underlying tension and/or doubts. I just wish I was born female. Why does this have to be so damn complicated? It’s not fair. I just want to live a normal life. One without questions or exceptions. I hate this. I hate Christmas. I hate all of society.
Sorry for the rant. I’ll shut up now and go back to drinking. Maybe I’ll drink enough to come out tonight in front of everyone and destroy my life. Who knows