Can I trust Her

[melina]

I am life long crossdresser who thought getting married and purging would make me a "true male" however after 30 years married, crossdressing sparingly, but enough to satisfy. I have always worn short shorts and now shave legs, chest and underarms, have tan lines from thong from sunbathing. I have been a "couldn't care less what people think" most of my life and would love to tell her all, but she wants a "real man" which I am but I love to dress like a hot woman. I will most likely carry this to my grave unless my memory gets erased and everyone finds all my stash... at least I wont care by then. I love her but don't trust her with the weight of all this. All advise requested.

[Dana44]

I don't know about trusting her. but if you want to come out to her read the sticky on it. I came out to my GF and we are alright. It was a rough startup though.

[Robertacd]

I have always worn short shorts and now shave legs, chest and underarms, have tan lines from thong from sunbathing.

And she does not know?

[lingerieLiz]

??? I don't see how she doesn't know. Are you in an DADT relationship? My wife sees me naked and would definitely notice fem tan lines. In my case I don't sun myself guy or girl style. Skin cancers.

[cdsamswife]

Hard to love someone without trusting them...... I would advise maybe reading the stickied post on how to tell your SO... I personally would suggest you do tell her.... it's not fair for her to live her life with you while not knowing all of what you are. I had an inkling that my husband was keeping secrets from me... and as Dana said earlier... it was a rough start too, but now its somethinf we share and I think our relationship is stronger since i found out my husband is a cder.

[Becky Blue]

Melina, perhaps you can explain a little more by what you mean when you say you can't trust her? Do you mean you are worried she will freak out and not be able to accept what she is hearing?

[Teresa]

Melina,
I must admit those signs are very hard to miss, maybe she's choosing to ignore them but I would guess she knows more than she is letting on , tread carefully because she maybe waiting for you to take one strep too far then the possible silent DADT will become more vocal.

I feel you need to decide where you want to go with your CDing and if it's a need for more you are going to have to bite the bullet and talk to her before she does blow a gasket !

The question is can you trust yourself to contain it , otherwise you will lose her trust .

[Stephanie43]

I can’t advise on the trust aspect. That’s a personal subject for each individual and couple IMO. I can tell you that coming out to my wife of 21 years was a major weight off my chest. I started dressing at age five and I’m in my early forties now. I dressed in secret up until recently. I felt this huge burden of having this secret that I was keeping from my wife. Although it was a difficult conversation for me to have, I did it. I spilled my guts and told her everything. After about thirty minutes of me talking and my wife just listening, she looked at me and said “did you think I didn’t already know?” We talked and set some boundaries, and so far she’s excepting. None of us knew or know how our SO’s will respond, but only you know your situation. It will be a hard conversation to have, but I say go for it. I’m glad I did.

[jennifer0918]

Short shorts? shaved legs ?shaved chest?and she does not know?don't tell her I wouldn't say a thing. This yours you own it,it belongs to you. When she finds she will want to control it by telling you when to dress ,what to wear.

[sometimes_miss]

Before coming out, be ready should it wind up blowing up your life. As always, if you can accept the worst possible outcome, then proceed. Otherwise, sometimes there are secrets we take with us to the grave. You certainly wouldn't be the first one.

[Sidney]

I will not give advice one way or the other on what you should do. Everyone's situation is different. For me I hide it from my wife for years. I told her of my crossdressing a little over a year ago. For the next few months it was hard, didn't no from one day to the next if we were staying or splittung. We started counceling together and seperately. Today I don't have a stach any more, I have my clothes hanging in the closet and folded in the dresser. I'm happy but it could have gone the other way. That being said I am a strong advocate of counceling just try to find one who is a gender counselor. Best of luck.

[Pat]

There's something kinda weird about saying you've been keeping this from her and then wondering aloud if you can trust her. Flip the question -- can she trust you?

[Krisi]

You are really asking strangers on the Internet for advice on your marriage? None of us know you and none of us know your wife. How are we expected to give good advice? Remember, we aren't the ones getting divorced or whatever.

Here's what worries me: "I love to dress like a hot woman." Dressing like a woman is one thing, dressing like a hooker is something beyond that.

In any event, this is something you'll have to figure out on your own just like the rest of us have.

[JeanTG]

Flip the question -- can she trust you?

^^^^This.

Trust, in a relationship, is mutual.

I can't advise the OP on how to approach his partner, as each case is different. I told my wife from the get-go before we married, but she never liked it and in fact is quite repulsed by it. Others spouses find out accidentally but seem to manage to get past it and even become enthusiastic about it. In between those two extremes is a range of possible outcomes, some very ugly.

But the gist of it is that if a husband is doing something behind his wife's back, other than planning a surprise gift or birthday party or something similar, then he is not giving his wife an opportunity to trust him.

I don't think the question posed here by the OP is one of trust. It's one of fearing the outcome of being found out. To ask the question, is to answer it.

[Micki_Finn]

You’ve been married 30 years but you don’t know her well enough to answer this question yourself?

[Stephanie47]

I was thinking along the lines of Micki. If you are shaving your body it is difficult to believe your wife has not wondered about you. Many women just put their heads in the sand and play ostrich. Unless a woman finds a stash of femme clothing or comes home and finds her husband en femme she may not want to approach the subject. If you have been married a long time and the marriage is on firm foundations this should not cause a marital breakup. Initially the revealing of this fact may cause some friction, but, unless a woman is so entrenched in her own feelings and being you may find her accepting DADT. Maybe even more.

If your statement of trust really means "trusting" her to got blab to family or friends that may be a serious concern, especially if you know family and friends a rabidly put off my cross dressers, transgender men and women or gays and lesbians. Once you reveal your secret to her, then it becomes a burden for two, not one. Most women have a friend, sister, cousin, someone to talk to.

As others have stated you're the only one who has any inkling of how your wife will react. She may tell you she already knew. Or she may throw you out of the house. Wishing you the best in the New Year.

[DaisyLawrence]

As usual, Micki has hit the nail on the head. No need for my reply.

[Tina_gm]

I would advise you to get your story straight first. Kinda hard to be all out there with feminine expression and a I don't care attitude and then go on to say you've been married for 30 years and your wife doesn't know.