Questions for therapists

[Kendalli]

Hello,

I am looking for a therapist to placate my SO. I've never had a therapist nor ever really wanted one. But the SO insists that I have one now that she knows that I crossdress. I've narrowed down the pool of local therapists to a few, but I have hit a wall. What does one ask therapists in the first emails/visits to know if they are able to provide what one needs?

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Kendall,

One question I asked in a manner that I hoped was non biasing so as no to influence the answer, was "can crossdressing be cured? I didn't want to end up with a therapist who believed in conversion therapy or that they could in some way "fix" me.

Is this something you will do with your SO? I never thought I needed or wanted a therapist but an now a firm believer in their value.

My wife learned of my crossdressing in a less than ideal manner and shortly after we started seeing a therapist at my wife's suggestion. The only reason my wife and I aren't continuing to see our therapist is because she retired last month. She was a great help to us especially in such a difficult time.

I hope it all works out for you,
Elizabeth

[Shelly Preston]

I would suggest that you ask how much experience they have with the transgender community.

I would also avoid any therapist recommended by religious leader.

You may want to ask if your wife will be asked to meet with the therapist either alone or with you ?

I hope these are of some help.

[Rogina B]

Before you spend any money and effort, I would determine what your wife wants you to "get out of it". Just telling you that you need a "shrink" gives no answer. Perhaps you have not explained yourself and your feelings to her in a way she can grasp because she is in "panic mode".

[Rayleen]

Rogina is right, explain to so your feeling that you need to live with and you love her and will stay with her.

[audreyinalbany]

I"d agree with Shelley...ask if they have experience with transgender or gender non-conforming. I asked a therapist once (in a social situation) if she had experience with crossdressers & she said never as a client but that she had met one once at a party and their behavior was 'totally inappropriate.' She didn't elaborate and I didn't ask.

[Stacy Darling]

I didn't actually shop for my favourite therapist but through "A strange turn of events" came into contact with her!

My non SO wished for me to see a therapist, but then pushed me into a mental heath care facility before I could employ one!

What I then did do, was to lay the whole scene on the table so that I could be dealt with by the most correct available person.

So with the question of if the therapist is suitable needing to be answered, I would drop the whole scenario onto such therapists and see which one has experience in your areas and is up for it. A rather raw way of doing it, but straight to the point is one way of asking!

Stacy!

[Pat]

Along with asking about their experience with transgender clients (no need to commit to being one if you think you're "just a crossdresser" but you want someone who'll be able to recognize if you are.) Also ask about the kinds of transgender clients they've dealt with. If they don't know there are different kinds or if they've only dealt with TS folks, then you might want to move on unless you're certain you're TS. There's kind of a sad history of therapists who only recognize TS folks pushing people in the wrong direction. (The old "if all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail" routine.)

Then the most important thing -- figure out what you want from therapy. What's a perfect outcome to you? You manage to get your wife off your back? You learn to live without crossdressing? You transition into being a woman? You find peace with the urge to crossdress? Try to find a concise description of what an absolutely perfect outcome is for you. You don't have to commit to it; you can change it at will, but it will give you and your therapist a landmark.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Kendalli,

You've gotten lots of excellent advice on how to start looking for a therapist.

Definitely find out what your SO expects you to get out of this. My wife thought I was planning my transition with the Therapist. When my wife went to see my Therapist she felt it was a set up. She thought her marriage was over and that I was going to announce my transition this way. Couldn't be farther from the truth. To this day I don't know what her and the Therapist talked about but things improved tremendously from there.

The only pther thing I would like to add is that "you" have to be comfortable with him/her. If you don't click or feel comfortable got find another one! All therapists are not created equal and their expertise in these areas vary widely.

Good Luck and we're here if you've got any other questions.

[tasidevil]

Pat is quite right, so heed her warning. All too many therapists know very little about crossdressers and give bad advice. Google on them and see their experience and look for recommendations. If they say they'll help with your transition, then he/she is not for you. Also suggest your wife and you read All About Crossdressing, All About Transgenderism, and The Wives Speak Out under transgender resources in Library on Sister house https://www.sisterhouse.net/library/

[Sidney]

My wife and I started seeing a counselor for a marriage issue not gender issue. In the first session I admitted I was the cause of the problem and was kind of getting doubled teamed on. I told my wife I didn't know if I could deal with her attitude towards me. Wife says confront her at our next session. The counselor was a female. The next week I told her how I felt about her and she was so appoliget. Any way when my crossdressing came up it turns out my counselor was a lesbian and did in fact have quite a few gender issue clients. From that point on we hit it off. My point is for counseling to be effective they're several thing that have to be there. First you need to feel confortable and safe with the counselor. Second the counselor needs to know what they're talking about. I was fortunate I found someone the first try. Counseling helped save my marriage and help my wife accept my CDing. I continue to see my counselor, my wife found her own and we have another we see together. Yes I am a huge fan of counseling. If your not comfortable with a counselor find another and another until you find one you like. Alot of good suggestion on this threas. On last thought, you go to counseling for yourself, any other reason is a waste of your time and your money. Good luck

[Micki_Finn]

Tbh I don’t have high hopes for this. If you’re being “coerced” into going to a therapist, I don’t think you’re really going to get much out of it. What is your wife hoping will come of this?

[Shayla]

Kendall, I would ask your wife shat she wants out of it- a "cure" for you, or help or you (or you both) to understand what is going on. Our marriage counselor happened to be very TG positive and educated and that helped my wife's attitude about it quite a bit, Still no real acceptance, but not nearly as much fear and misunderstanding about cd-ing. Good luck.

As others mentioned, ask what their experience is with CD/TG clients.

[Fiona123]

These suggestions below are all very good.

I'm on my second therapist. I went to the first one early in 2017 for 3 or 4 sessions. He was okay but his office was in a sketchy neighborhood and I didn't feel comfortable there. I eventually switched to a different clinic in a nearby city. I am very happy with the new therapist.

My point is don't be afraid to make a switch if, for whatever reason, you are uncomfortable with your first therapist.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Far more to the point, what does your SO hope to achieve by sending you to a therapist?

I think that's the first question, and it should be to her, not the therapist.

[TanyaWonder]

Hi there,

the question lacks any true meaning as long as it is asked because of your wife and not you. The therapy cannot be effective unless you decide you want it. Therefore I suggest the cheapest therapist out there at the moment.

[April Rose]

It is really important that the therapist you choose has training and experience in dealing with transgender issues. If they don't you could be in for a real waste of time money and stress.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I agree with many above that the therapist should have a good understanding of CD/TS. One good test of this is to ask the therapist if you could come to the sessions "dressed". If the answer is not unequivocally "yes", or if there is any hesitation in his/her response, go elsewhere. I've been to 5 therapists and I went dressed some of the time to 4 out of the 5. Guess who talked a good game, but couldn't walk the walk. My wife and I both saw him, and we decided to leave because he couldn't get to the next level.

ANother good way is to slip into acronyms like GG, CD, TG, TS, non-binary, etc. If the therapist doesn't understand the basis terms, he/she will have no way of appreciating the subtleties.

The therapist should also act without an agenda, like to get you to transition of to cure you. The therapist needs to operate a judgement-free zone. He/she is supposed to help you understand yourself and make appropriate decisions based on that understanding, not tell you what you should do or be.

Also, for me personally, I prefer a female therapist. I don't think I could be as open with a man for fear of negative judgement. If you can't be fully honest with the therapist, you won't get a good outcome. Been there, done that with a therapist with no CD/TG experience.

[Kendalli]

Thank you for all the great advice. For those of you that are worried that my wife doesn't have me best intentions at heart, rest at ease. She is also seeing a therapist herself, for other non-related issues. But since I am her husband, I do come up in conversation a lot, including my crossdressing. So she is just hoping that I can understand myself and where I want to go with this dressing, and then help her understand where I want to be better.