Change in reasons for crossdressing

[Jasmine Rose]

I feel like I have had a very important epiphany come out of reading everyone's posts to this thread. Recently I was dressed and had my "happy ending" and I was feeling shame from doing this. I was reading posts from this thread later that night when I realized that it wasn't actually shame from being dressed, but rather that I let my being dressed lead to something sexual. It was almost like I was being a "bad crossdresser" because I wasn't dressing just to be dressed. At a subconscious level, I was feeling inferior to the other people on this forum.

Once I brought all of this up to a conscious level, I realized that I was being very judgmental about such a thing. I certainly would not have thought less of someone else on this forum who posted that they had enjoyed a "happy ending" and then changed back into masculine clothing, so why should I judge myself for doing such a thing?

Now, I feel like I can enjoy myself more. When I am "just" dressed in feminine clothing, and when I dress for a sexual thrill. It doesn't matter why I dress. I just do. If I enjoyed myself as a result of being dressed, regardless of what form that enjoyment takes, I should be happy that I have found joy in what I do. Now, when I start feeling some of that shame coming back, I can remind myself that I don't have anything to be ashamed of.

[Aeslyn]

Hi Jasmine,
I'm not much older than you are and I went through such changes in the past few years. For me a lot of the changes were actually due to a lot of the 'conditioning' and 'enculturation' we go through in our earlier life. Also for me I grew up in a small conservative town. I was taught and exposed only to limited views of the world and people (we are right in that age range where our youth was one where there was a lot more control of information, a time before we really had a lot of access to the internet). This meant that earlier in life I'd accepted many views of myself and crossdressing (I'd never heard the term transgender in my youth, transvestite was used and it was highly derogatory). These views included that it was a perversion and sexual fetish, and I incorporated a lot of guilt and shame into myself over it. Later in life, however, when I shed these views, and became much more familiar with the larger world and the diversity of people in it as well as the different values and cultural systems, I inevitably had to go through a change as how I understood myself to be was shown to me to be quite false and mostly constructed and imposed on me by outside influences that were coming from a place of very little understanding in deed. The good news behind that is I found myself finally, and I am sure you will too. As we incorporate new information we redefine ourselves and while it can seem scary it is a beautiful experience of growth and a marvellous journey.

[Stephanie Julianna]

You are not going through anything different from what many here have. Like you, as a teen and into my twenties there was a strong sexual component. But that changed when I turned thirty. I started to pass in public and then it became all about passing with a comforting sensation that followed of finally feeling complete. The next 10 years were wonderful but scarey, as I navigated the NYC crossdressing scene while trying to fill my role at home as a husband, father and breadwinner. I was torn between thinking I wanted to transition and trying to fulfill the vows I took with my wife and my responsibilities as a Dad. I can remember a few times when driving home from the city when I thought about driving into a bridge abutment to save my family from my 'shame".
The issue was that even I thought at that time that I was a pervert of some kind. I can not tell you how it happened, but around 40 years old, I realized that my dressing did not make me a bad person, it just made me different and in a better way. At that point, I stopped trying to keep the two sides of me seperate. I realized I did not have to always dress as a female to embrace that side of me. With my wife's support I returned to college at 43 and by 1994 received my RN. Now every facet of my personality had value.
I will not tell you that I don't fight with the pink fog almost daily and for some reason the desire to dress has increased with age rather than declined. I'd like to think that I present as a sylish lady in her 'golden years'. I don't think I have ever said that before. Even after 50 years my wife and I are struggling with how I can indulge in my dressing on a timely basis especially now that she is retired and we are together almost all the time. I'm going to have to address that in the Spring before I get crazy. I am glad about the choices I have made because if I had transitioned at some point earlier I would have missed so much with my children and grandchildren but especially with my wife. That was a choice that worked for me but everyone is different and the need to transition is stronger or weaker or not even a factor for many here. My recommendation is to first accept yourself and than decide what path in life is best for you to live a life that will have purpose so you can contribute to society with a life well lived.

[geek]

I never got any kind of thrill from it, just a sense of "rightness".