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Thread: Getting past DADT

  1. #1
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    Getting past DADT

    For those CDrs with supportive and participating SOs, (and to those SOs) were you ever in a DADT situation. And if so, what changed, why and how?
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  2. #2
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    I have never been in a DADT situation as I told my wife before we were married. If I outlive her, and decide to remarry, that may change. Then again, I will probably be too old and senile to care.

  3. #3
    Silver Member franlee's Avatar
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    Never have been. And never would. It's not a negotiation or something I will quit in my own home. i couldn't live with the drama DADT would cause. But that's me and mine.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Fran
    It's worth something just being around to Fuss!

  4. #4
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    Not a DADT relationship for many years, just hidden. Once I told my wife, she has been perfectly accepting of anything around the house. Outside, she is concerned that someone would recognize who I am and the consequences of that. In another city, no problem except for worries about nut cases attacking us or me.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member Steph_CD_62's Avatar
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    I was never in a DADT relationship with my current wife, I told her within a couple weeks of meeting her.

    My first wife was a different story. As a teenager I found my mom's lingerie and I was hooked for a while. Stopped for a long time and even got married. While my ex-wife was pregnant with our child I wasn't getting as much attention as I would have liked, I was doing the laundry and feeling her nylon nightgown sent me back to my teenage years. I would dress while she slept and this went on for a couple months. One day she woke up and went to the back bathroom and I had forgot to lock the door, imagine her surprise when she saw me. After a couple days we talked about it and she wouldn't have a problem as long as I wouldn't do it in front of our kids.

  6. #6
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I hid from my live in, adult daughter for years. Then, she moved in full time and almost caught me a few times! I had to tell her. She does not approve. Resulting in our DADT situation.

    I tell her when and where in or around the house I plan to dress. And, she avoids that area, or is gone, while I'm dressed. It has worked great for us both! Neither of us ever worries about her walking in on Sherry!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  7. #7
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    Why all the drama, sherry? Your house, your rules, no? Since your daughter doesn't want to see or hear of sherry, I'm assuming that she also doesn't possess the incriminating Polaroids that she could potentially blackmail you with in that case - LOL!

    Your daughter is an adult, and by all rights should be on her own, so you are doing her a huge favor at this point in her life by letting her live in your house with you. That's a whole different dynamic than what one encounters in the case where one has a wife or a live-in SO, and where the assumption is that both are equal partners who have an equal say as to how the relationship is conducted.

    Hence, the DADT stalemate that many of us here have to endure just to maintain some semblance of peace within our abodes. That's not really analogous to your situation.

  8. #8
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
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    I was in DADT for several years after my wife found a picture of me dressed on our computer (I was not as clever as I thought I was). After several years of what I thought was a mutually agreed to DADT situation my wife confronted me about my dressing. I could tell that something in her about my dressing had changed and I was taken back. I thought DADT was something she preferred but I was quite wrong. After a long and difficult talk I came to understand that for her knowing I was dressing when she was not around but not knowing what I did while dressing or what my dressing desires meant to me was too much for her to handle. Maybe simply put my dressing behind her back even with her knowledge left her to wonder and assume what I was doing. I now believe that her not being able to fully understand what I was doing while dressing left her to assume the worst. After our talk we have been much closer and share my desire to an extent. My female clothes are no longer hidden away. I share my thoughts and feelings and my wife shares her feelings as well. We have boundaries but they are fair and our relationship is much improved. Given the chance to go back when she first found out about my dressing I now know that being open and honest then would have prevented those years of distrust. I know that not all relationships survive this desire. I am very lucky that mine did.

    Teri
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  9. #9
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    In DADT. Whenever I think there might be some thawing, I'm usually disappointed. But, it is certainly better than hide and seek.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  10. #10
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    I told my wife before we married but the practice of my "hobby" has always been DADT, with some dark periods of non-acceptance at all.

    This whole issue has been a cross to bear because of it.

  11. #11
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    Kim,
    Eventually couldn't work round DADT so we've chosen to separate while it's amicable , everyone thinks it's the right thing to do even those who know about my CDing being the main reason . My wife couldn't live with DADT but now this is about to happen she is coming out to people on my behalf and on occasions even defends me when the suggestion is made that I must be gay because I dress .

    I found DADT just became short term compromises usually in my wife's favour and found it hard as the goalposts kept moving , it's mentally wearing .

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member Babbs's Avatar
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    I hide it from the wife...would love to move up to a DADT situ...

  13. #13
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CarlaWestin View Post
    In DADT. Whenever I think there might be some thawing, I'm usually disappointed. But, it is certainly better than hide and seek.
    Also deep in DADT, for years now, and I have no expectation of it changing.

    Nonetheless, I still go out with CD/TG friends a lot. I tell my wife in advance what day I have plans for, and a couple of days before, I tell her when I expect to leave and when I expect to return. I used to go out and tell her that I was going out "drinking with the guys", which was the truth, but not the whole truth. Going out and staying out late like that was a game of hide and seek that I couldn't keep up, so, I came clean on that.

    She has never seen me dressed, or seen any of my clothes. She doesn't even know my girl name.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  14. #14
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    told my wife before we got serious dating. She was in love with me as I was with her. Got married and she thought I would change. I didn't and we have worked things out over the years. I used to travel a lot so I could dress as I pleased.

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member Sami Brown's Avatar
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    I have not been in a DADT situation with my wife. In fact, she is the one who figured out this side of me before I did. I liked women's jewelry and shaving my legs, so she encouraged me to try some dressing. That really fit well with me. Having a wife who could tell that was my personality before I knew it myself is quite remarkable and insightful.

    Being a scaredy cat, I still have some difficulty dressing in front of her, but that's my problem, not hers.
    My new blog: The Crossdresser Report
    https://crossdresserreport.com/

  16. #16
    Member Genni's Avatar
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    I told my wife before we got married 40+ years ago. She said she didn't have a problem with it initially, and we did a bit of bedroom play with me dressed (or perhaps "back seat of the car" play... we were in high school at the time). However, shortly after we married her support / tolerance disappeared. At times she would say "don't do anything behind my back," and other times DADT. The bedroom play came and went as over the years.

    We've been working on our communication as a couple lately and I brought up that this is an important part of me. I had to force the issue a bit. If I hadn't we would still be solidly in DADT. She still has no interest in seeing me dressed, but has been allowing me space and privacy since we've been talking about it more openly. She still gripes when she finds I've added to my wardrobe, but I mostly brush it off. I shop bargains / clearance exclusively and really don't spend a lot of money.

    The bottom line here for me is that we all have the right to be happy as long as we're not hurting anyone else to do so, and my expression of femininity makes me very happy!

  17. #17
    Silver Member Stephanie Julianna's Avatar
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    My story is so similar to Genni's. I told my wife shortly after we started dating as well back in 1968. (The Dark Ages of Crossdressing). She was more accepting and we did the bedroom play thing but as time moved on she became less tolerant and we ended up in a DADT world. She allowed me to hang with a CD admirer friend for years rather than participate but eventually wanted me to keep it at home only when she was at work or away. I dress as a passable woman and almost never have an issue when out in in public and I cannot put that genie back in the bottle, With her retired now the chances ar less than a handful of times a year since she is home almost all the time. I can't stand lieing and inventing phony events to create time to dress. So we will have to have a talk. I hope she remembers that this part of me is part of the bigger picture that she fell in love with all those years ago.

  18. #18
    Senior Member JocelynJames's Avatar
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    I hid it from the first wife and never told her. I told the second wife after 5 years of marriage. She almost left and said if I had told her prior,we never would have married. There was no DADT as she moved into MY HOUSE and I made it clear there weren’t going to be those kind of rules where one dictates the other( within limits of course) within a few months she saw how harmless it was and how happy I was and did a 180 saying if she had left or never married me it would have been her loss. She accepts me , encourages me, but doesn’t push. I’m pretty much in heaven.
    If you only knew the power of the pink fog! ~Joss

  19. #19
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    It seems, from this decidedly self selecting sample that a partner is or is not accepting (whether told before or after marriage) and, generally, DADT seldom seems to ‘improve’ with time or experience. Do you think that’s a fair assessment?
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  20. #20
    Member Genni's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    It seems, from this decidedly self selecting sample that a partner is or is not accepting (whether told before or after marriage) and, generally, DADT seldom seems to ‘improve’ with time or experience. Do you think that’s a fair assessment?
    I don't think so. In my experience DADT only improved when I made a conscious effort to improve it through communication. Until I pushed the issue my SO ignored this important facet of who I am and assumed everything was fine. Meanwhile, DADT formed the foundation of a barrier to communication about everything else in the relationship. I chose to address it in the bigger context of improved communication to improve the relationship. We have a long way to go, but any progress is a good thing!


    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie Julianna View Post
    [snip] I can't stand lieing and inventing phony events to create time to dress. So we will have to have a talk. I hope she remembers that this part of me is part of the bigger picture that she fell in love with all those years ago.
    I hope you will have that talk and that it goes well, Stephanie. We all deserve to be happy, and she deserves the truth. As I mentioned above, I think it helped me to do this in the bigger context of improving communication to improve the relationship. It's been said that there is no standing still. We are either moving forward or moving backward. It will be much easier to move forward if we are open about our challenges and work on them together with our life partners.
    Last edited by Genni; 01-09-2018 at 08:42 AM.

  21. #21
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    Each individual situation is unique, that’s a cliche I suppose. So generalization from group to individual is almost impossible.

    Maybe be another way of asking is....did any one’s SO go from DADT to full acceptance and participation? That seems the Holy Grail.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  22. #22
    Member Genni's Avatar
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    I need to apologize, Kim. I misread your post having overlooked the "seldom" in the phrase "DADT seldom seems to ‘improve’ with time or experience." Although my sample size is only 1, DADT did not improve over time until I actively forced the issue. I now agree with you, and see the chance for full acceptance and participation as somewhere between slim and none.

  23. #23
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    I could have used another word besides seldom. But I figured that when I read your comment. No apology needed, but thanks for such consideration!
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  24. #24
    New Member Karen Lee's Avatar
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    Hi .. I’m new here so sorry but I have to ask and I’m sure I should probably know but... what is a DADT situation?
    .

  25. #25
    Member Genni's Avatar
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    Welcome, Karen!

    DADT is "Don't Ask Don't Tell." The significant other knows, but is not accepting or tolerant and does not want to participate, see, or even discuss their partner's crossdressing. Many of us find ourselves in this situation.

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