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Thread: Professional counseling

  1. #1
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    Professional counseling

    I recently came out to my wife and also scheduled couples counseling for us. My first counseling session is later this week.

    I have a lot of emotions floating around my head now so I guess this post is just a chance for me to vent to the sisterhood here.

    I truly don’t want to live as a woman or dress all of the time, and I tend to gravitate towards the same type of look - skirts, dresses, and always pantyhose and heels. I happily identify as a man. But on the other hand, I can’t stop thinking about the powerful emotional response when I saw myself for the first time after my professional makeover.

    I don’t want to live a life of secrecy. I want to be open and transparent with my wife. But I also know that she has her own limits and her comfort zone is much smaller than mine. I would be selfish to dump all of my true goals into her and expect her to see things the same as I do.

    I’m remaining positive though. My wife and I somehow are more emotionally connected now as compared to before I broke the news. She’s ok with me shaving my legs and she even bought me panties. And I’m happy that both my wife and I will be receiving professional help to work our way through this.

    Any advice for working with a counselor? This is uncharted territory for me.
    Thank you
    Lizzie

  2. #2
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    Lizzie,

    There are a multitude of threads dealing with just this subject so search away and you may find your answers.

    For me it's important to connect with the counselor. If you don't feel comfortable then go find another one. Try to sit down and write out your questions before hand as well as anything you want to bring up.

    Since your dressing seems to be one of the big points for discussion be very observant on what the counselor says. If he/she starts by saying they're going to "cure you" run for the hills! That ain't going to happen.

    One other important point concerning your wife and you, NEVER STOP TALKING! Communication is the most important point. As long as your talking about the subject you're making progress.

    Good luck and let us know if you have any other questions. We're always here for you!

  3. #3
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    Agree with your wife on your goals. You’ve been honest and she’s beeen supportive, so you’re off to a good start.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  4. #4
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Lizzie -- It sounds like your head is in the right place for this, so you should do fine. Be open and honest with the counselor, yourself and your wife. If you find that there's something that you can't say in front of your wife, don't suppress it -- make a note of it and ask the counselor separately how to handle it. Your wife may also have things she doesn't want to say in front of you. So be open to private sessions occasionally with a goal of getting everything out in the open over time.

    One of the early questions you'll probably be asked is what is the outcome you expect from this? The two of you should talk about that beforehand. What does a successful outcome look like for you two?

    It's perfectly reasonable to happily identify as a man. It's also important to acknowledge the response you had to seeing yourself after the makeover. It's perfectly reasonable to not want to live as a woman or transition, get surgery, etc. But it's likewise important to stay open minded. Listen to your heart. Be honest with yourself. There are couples who have walked this path before you, who have stayed together and prospered. Be one of them.

    Good luck.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  5. #5
    Junior Member Samantha uk's Avatar
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    both yours and your wifes situation sound very similar to me and my wife and you will probably be fine, you certainly seem to be going about it the right way. It is truly unnerving to discover this about yourself but it does get easier as long as you keep talking. My only advice is to not expect too much from your wife, whilst she maybe happy and supportive for you to be a crossdresser, even occasionally buying you things, she may not want to be involved. Which could be a problem in the future if you decide that occasional dressing isn't enough.

    I told my wife about 4 years ago and while she doesn't want to be involved, we do talk about it all the time and as I'm only an occasional dresser it works very well for us. Its very similar to having a hobby, only much more exciting
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMvcAKrZxIBZMNn-9jilAIA

  6. #6
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
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    Lizzie,

    You and your wife sound much akin to me and mine. I have no experience with counseling but I have found that keeping open honest communication with my wife about these desires is a key to continued understanding. No matter how you slice it this dressing desire is not an easy issue for couples to reconcile. It sounds like you have a clear perspective on you desires and your relationship. Find your agreed boundaries and stick to them. Keep talking and loving.

    I would be interested in learning from your experiences with counseling. Best wishes to you and your wife as you find your way through this issue.
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  7. #7
    Silver Member IleneD's Avatar
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    Lizzie<

    Bless your heart. Your situation will get better because you are trying and you care.
    You are finding out the most difficult part of crossdressing (as I've found). Problems are almost always rooted in Acceptance from your closest loved ones; primarily a spouse. After a lifetime of suffering in shame with my gender and/or sexuality issues I came out to my wife about 18 months ago. We've been married 40 yrs, and she had no clue. We haven't been to counseling but we've had over a year of very challenging discussions; often heated and emotional as one might figure.

    She told me from the start that my announcement "changes our relationship forever." I can confirm that. My own revelation was completely out of character for me. I'd been a career military officer and flew fighter jets. All of the macho suddenly become femme. I completely understand her angst, concern and confusion. She was also upset that SOMEHOW I had managed to conceal my proclivity from her for so long. She felt deceived, as though I had lied to her. This fact (of lying or deception to hide your CD) was a major factor in my wife's reaction. We'd always been in a great honest relationship, except for this one glaring failure.

    NOW... let's talk about you. You say you're a crossdresser; don't want to transition to live as a woman full time. You say you're entirely straight, heterosexual and want to identity as male. I completely understand where you're at in your CD. When my wife started to research and study my "condition" she Googled "men who want to be women". She didn't Google search for crossdressing. Liz, you want to be a woman whether you admit this to yourself or not. You may not want to go through the pain of reorganizing your life and re-inventing yourself to become a full woman, or having to live full time as a woman. But to some degree and for some reason WE ALL at least identify with woman and want to be like them.

    As you approach your counselor (and I say this as someone who has NOT been to counseling; alone or with my beloved wife), I'd say be prepared to answer questions that you probably have not even asked yourself, and you may not completely have an answer. My advice for you, a couple questions.

    1. WHY do you dress as a woman? I found during the many discussions I had with my wife that I did NOT completely understand myself, my motivations for wanting to CD, and why I felt the way I do. I spent an adult life in denial and going to lengths to suppress my compulsions. Now in retirement I had to face it and figure out what exactly was spinning around inside my head and heart. The WHY of wearing women's clothing and identity is soul-searching, and the answers are difficult.

    2. Write down your questions ahead of each session. Things will pop into your head as strange non-counseling moments. Save those thoughts and simply organize where you want to take the meeting. I assume from your avatar and profile that you're a professional "man" of some type, educated, etc. You know how to organize your thoughts.

    3. Concur with the other posters here. If you find the counselor wants to cure or treat your CD, then run. It's not because we all prefer to you remain in The Club. It's because IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. There is no "cure" for crossdressing. Nearly every mental health professional confirms there is little understanding of the cause of CD and no known cure. In fact, when my wife was researching the condition she found several sources that said the only known treatment for Crossdressing was ".... to let the crossdresser dress."

    My heart goes out to you. I will say this. There's a lot of hope reflected in your post because you CARE enough about your spouse to take her into consideration (there's so much to overcome). I see a lot of my own situation in yours. We've made great progress and understanding with just our own organic discussions, but it hasn't been pretty either.

    I'm not exactly WHERE I want to be in my own CD. I want more. The wife wants strong limits (of course). I say this to you as someone who also began the journey of "coming out" thinking it was just all about the clothes. As I learned, it is not just the clothes. I changed; or at least came to understand more of what my own motivations are. I believe I'm transgender and want to be a woman. Whether after 40 yrs of marriage I want to endure the Life Changes it would take to get there (and possibly destroy the one valued relationship I have) to BE that woman is yet to be determined. Leave room in your soul and future discussions for the possibility you will consider Transition. I read an article about CD and TG, and a joke stated within it was, "What's the difference between a Crossdresser and a Transgender? A: about 4 years." Just saying. Be prepared for self-discovery and a change in that status.

    One last comment, Liz. You are a gorgeous and quite handsome woman. Just looking at your avatar photo, I'd say you do this well. You have a look that deserves to cross dress. Beautiful, Liz. I am so happy you are here among wise and experienced friends. I attest that this board and its' beautiful members have literally helped me save my own relationship.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha uk View Post
    It is truly unnerving to discover this about yourself ........
    LOL. Tell me about it.
    Peel back the layers of your soul, start down a strange path, and you never know what surprise you may find.

    But Lord (thank you)..... it's been wonderful, amazing and beautiful. Don't make it stop.
    There resides within me a Woman, and she is powerful.
    She has been my Grace and Bearing on the stormiest seas.
    I could no more deny Her than I would my own soul.

  8. #8
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    I went back and read your introductory thread (December 2007) and another from five years later when you were working away from home for a long stretch. Your cross dressing is not new to your wife. There's at least ten years of angst built up in her mind. Buying you panties on occasion is not necessarily any type of support. Or shaving your legs. It may be for your wife an attempt to see if she can accommodate your needs at her expense. You really are not living a life of secrecy if she knows of your cross dressing. I do not know where you are headed with this anymore than your wife.

    My wife and I have been to couples counseling, but, it had nothing to do with cross dressing (war related PTSD). Before you and the counselor gets into counseling sessions with both of you together, it is customary to the counselor to have sessions with each spouse alone. I would not expect a wife to open up to a counselor with any frustrations or concerns or questions in front of her husband at a first session.

  9. #9
    dress to feel the energy Shely's Avatar
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    Liz,
    As someone who has been to counseling, with my SO, i do highly recommend it. We went through it about 8 or 9 years ago and it helped to convince my SO that i absolutely had no plans to change sexes. We were lucky to find a counselor who was very loving, frank and honest about sexual issues. There is a lot of information here to read on that subject, so i will not add more. I hope the best for you in this process.
    https://www.flickr.com/photos/lovethatdress/

  10. #10
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    Lizzie,

    Some good advice has already been posted here, so I won't repeat any of that. I hope your counsellor has some understanding and experience of cross dressing and related issues. If not you should be careful of what the counsellor says. As someone said in this thread, if there is talk of a "cure" run for the hills. But, assuming the counsellor is a good and experienced one I would say that you must not hold back. Tell the counsellor everything even though it may seem uncomfortable. To hold back will just result in you having regrets many months later. I had some counseling for depression and the subject of my cross dressing came up. My counsellor was good and I could talk very easily but I held back on some issues and within weeks of finishing the course of counseling I had regretted a lost opportunity. Every best wish to you and your spouse.

  11. #11
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    In a nutshell you need to find a well trained, skilled, EXPERIENCED and trustworthy (someone the 2 of you can trust and be open to) therapist and then the rest will likely work out. Essentially you are hiring an employee to do therapy work for you and your wife so inquire about his or her experience and in what areas of therapy. One question i wish I asked the unqualified was (" Do any of your clients come to therapy dressed and is it okay if I do?"). Ask this even if you have no desire to do this.
    Sadly, I spent many $$$$ teaching ("Oh I work with gender issue..") therapists before I found qualified ones. Also if things aren't clicking for the 2 of you look/go elsewhere. Psychology Today hasa directory but be sure to confirm all their info for accuracy.
    best of luck, you are starting on the right foot!

  12. #12
    Yendis Sidney's Avatar
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    Lizzie

    I think you and your wife are making a good decision by seeking counseling. When I came out to my wife to say she was upset would be a huge understatement. If we had not sought counceling I am convinced we would not be together today. We both had joint and individual counseling. As mentioned you have to feel comfortable with your counselor. I did not feel comfortable with my counselor the first visit but addressed my issues with her the next visit, she apologized for her attitude and we have gotten along great since then. And you must tell them EVERYTHING no mater how embarrassing or hard it is.
    I hope everything works out for the both of you

  13. #13
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    From my experience, keeping my wife happy is my first priority, and my most difficult priority. She needs to know that things are under control and she can always count on me as a man. She needs to love a man who protects her physically, financially and emotionally. I want to be that man.

    So, I tell her that she can always set the boundaries on my crossdressing. That means that I can't do a lot of fun things. However she doesn't mind me sleeping in slips and a satin nightgown. I have a limited amount of crossdressing things - all with her approval. In the end, both of our needs are being met. For us it's about making compromises, and I'm okay with that.

  14. #14
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    I guess I’m having a hard time trying to find a balance. I understand keeping my SO happy and respecting limits, but fundamentally why should her limits trump mine? I think there’s bound to be some sort of compromises worked out along the way. I hope this doesn’t come across as “my way or the highway” because my point is that it’s got to be somewhere in the middle. I’m hoping that this doesn’t turn into my wife being empowered to unilaterally dictate all terms and conditions, and my expectation being to accept it under the guise that she’s not leaving me. Hope this makes sense and doesn’t come across as overly callous.

  15. #15
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    Lizzie,
    Go and be open minded and honest, don't make false promises to yourself, like saying I'm not this but that . Cding has a way of evolving , the more you do it the more revelations come out . If you are seeing a counsellor then it's a sign of you thinking there may be more to it . To me the clothes are the window to the World of how you truly feel in side . OK some of the feelings you describe are what you felt for the first time like when you had a makeover for instance . My gender counsellor urged me to go ahead and join a social group , as I was in a DADT situation, that to me was the turning point, I felt so comfortable and natural I knew it was right . It gave me meaning to choosing outfits and buying clothes , a reason to shave my body most days . The downside is all this is way outside my wife's comfort zone now, she was OK with me going out socially but when I remarked it still wasn't enough it started the ball rolling to separate , she can't live my CDing and I truthfully can't live without it. It is an amicable decision we both know it's the right one as do our children and the rest of the family .

    Counsellors don't put these ideas into your head they just listen and make you realise and accept the truth to yourself, talking to an impartial person and allowing all those buried thoughts come out has to happen at some point , suppression is mentally destructive .

    I don't understand what people fear in seeking counselling , they are professionals trained to help you if you need it , no stigma or shame in that , OK the outcome might not be what you expected but at least you will know the truth .

    Reading your last reply , I can see the question of who is being selfish in the marriage arising ?

    You have to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with your wife , I found writing all my history down helped me and my counsellor see what made me tick , what the driving force was and the revelation was nothing was going to take that feeling away . I had to find ways to live with it and hope my wife could do the same , that's why to me DADT doesn't work , the compromise are only short term fixes not a long term solution . If we are wired like it we can't be made to feel guilty about it , it's part of us , nothing anyone says or does will change that .
    Last edited by Teresa; 01-16-2018 at 09:17 PM.

  16. #16
    New Girl to the PNW raeleen's Avatar
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    I think you've gotten lots of great feedback here, Lizzie. Being honest with your wife is so important and always communicating will be the best way for the relationship to move forward. I know you've kept some things from your wife in the past. Making sure she doesn't feel like there could always be some other secret that you're keeping from her will be huge. You don't want her feeling like she doesn't know the person who she's partnered with in life, and so being extra open, maybe even to the point of occasionally oversharing might not be a bad idea.

    I'd also say that this feeling you have of "it has to be a compromise" is something I struggled with too. It started feeling early on like my partner was setting all the parameters and I had to fall in line. Why couldn't she give a bit more and meet me in the middle? One of the things I realized is that I was the one making an ask of her. I was the one that was creating a shift in our relationship, and so I had to give her time to adjust to the shift because it changes who she sees herself as too. She thought she was in a relationship with a cis-gendered man. You might still identify as a man, but you're definitely veering into a non-gender conforming area and she might be wondering how that impacts her emotionally and, to be frank, sexually. i don't know what her level of attraction is to you presenting as a woman, but that might be hard for her. So, what feels like an inequality, where she is making lots of asks of you and you feel limited, is really a period where she needs to be able to establish some space and figure out who she is, and then as that happens, she'll be able to come back to you and create what feels more like compromise. it takes time. be patient with her.

    good luck, girl. it's tough work making any relationship work, and we all seem to have that extra hurdle to have to get over.

    hugs,
    Raeleen

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