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Thread: Help from anyone experienced with this.

  1. #1
    Junior Member jenn's Avatar
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    Help from anyone experienced with this.

    Hey all,

    I am struggling greatly. My so has been trying to understand the femme me. We have talked quite a bit for a fee years now. There are many aspects that she is not comfortable with. Lately she has been putting out matching uderthings for us to wear, but I am feeling like I wish to be more full time which she has stated repeatedly that she couldn't handle that. Anyone else gone through it willing to share the progressions or regressions?

    Thank you,

    Jenn

  2. #2
    Gold Member Jaylyn's Avatar
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    Take it slow, I would be happy to wear under things that match again. My wife started out when I opened up to her she was very ok with my dressing. We actually did wear many matching panties and hose as underdressing. She thought this was ok and even helped me buy makeup bras and we had makeup sessions and did each other's toe nails n finger nails. Life was great. I started trying to wear my dresses daily and that was when she started telling me to just DADT. I think I got caught up in the dressing way too fast so I say slow down and let it happen as it comes a natural thing.

  3. #3
    Silver Member
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    Jenn, how does she feel about other aspects of your dressing, such as makeup, where you keep your stash, photos of yourself, etc.? Are you able to fully dress now, even part-time vs your wanting 'to be more full time'? The more we know about you, the better suited to you will be the responses.

  4. #4
    Member Trione's Avatar
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    Take it slow, after she is comfortable with you wearing matching undies you can start by asking her who picking out our undies today and see how she reacts, going to fast can ruin everything.

  5. #5
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    First off, be thankful for every bit of acceptance you are getting from your wife. Too many are in a DADT situation and can only wish to be in your shoes. Now go slow and maybe more acceptance will come with time.
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member
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    I think many of us are familiar with making compromises to keep our SO happy. I find that my wife needs to feel that things are under control, and she can always count on a man around who will always protect her physically, financially, and mentally. I try to be that man. I tell her to let me know whenever I go beyond her comfort boundaries. She knows that crossdressing makes me happy. She seems to accept that my brain is just hardwired to release feel-good neurotransmitters when I crossdress. So we reach a point where both of our needs are being met.

  7. #7
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Have you considered contacting an experienced gender counselor for *couples* counselling? They might be able to explain things better than you can and help your SO understand you more. (And maybe help you understand yourself more.)
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  8. #8
    Platinum Member
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    When my wife and I were first married we incorporated negligees for me into our bedroom play. That was it. No other garments at the time. I started to buy some slips which I think she also felt were similar to my liking for nylon gowns. One day our three year old daughter pulled open the bottom draw to my armoire and yanked a Vanity Fair vivid red bra out of a box of dainties. That brought about "The Talk." My wife could not understand why a man would want to wear a bra when he had nothing to "pack into it.: Her words. Now the negligees went from 'kinky fetish' to all the misunderstandings concerning men wearing women's clothing. I think women are more apt to accept panties and even hosiery as 'fetish sex.' Get into the entire cross dressing thing and it becomes something entirely unworkable.

  9. #9
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    My wife doesn't like it that I CD at all. While she knows I crossdress, she hasn't seen me dressed, hasn't seen pictures of me dressed and hasn't seen any of my girl clothes. In addition to DADT, it's "See no evil; hear no evil; speak no evil."

    So, I shop for myself, by myself (or sometimes with CD or GG friends). I belong to a local social group and that's where I get my dressing enjoyment.

    So, it's a dual-edge sword. She doesn't participate, doesn't want to participate, but lets me do my girl thing with friends, as long as it's out of her sight.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    The best way is to play the game your wife's way, it is likely she will come around to your way eventually.

    The matching underwear is a good sign.

    Take it slowly over the next couple of years and see what develops in that time.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  11. #11
    Banned Spammer
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    What you wish may not be the reality here because you have your wife's feelings to consider.
    Remember its not all about you.
    Don't go too far too fast and always keep the lines of communication open.

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member LeannS's Avatar
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    I am almost in the same boat as Steffi cept mine has seen a picture of Leann she thought I was sending picture to an ex wife had to come out and tell her who Leann was
    She has seen my clothes but in a DADT doesn't want to see me dressed at all or interested in it. So wife is away and Leann is playing.
    Take it slow and keep talking to her just remember DON'T make any promises. Because your not going to be able to keep them because when that wave
    or pink fog rolls in your going to be neck deep in it.
    If you can't laugh and have fun you might as well go home.

  13. #13
    Junior Member jenn's Avatar
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    She really doesn't want me to dress at all without her, but doesn't want me to dress publicly or overtly. We have talked about painting my toenails, however each time it presents itself she says it is just way to feminine.

    As far as the stash. She doesn't want me to have one. Nor does she want me to biy anything without he nod of approval. I want to keep my face shaved smooth, she says she doesn't find me attractive without facial hair.

    I really don't have photos of myself in order to not get caught.

  14. #14
    Reality Check
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    There doesn't have to be a "femme me" for you to wear women's clothes. If your wife feels you want to become a woman, that will certainly scare her.

    You have to take it slow, at your wife's pace. And as Tracii pointed our, it's not all about you. Take what she gives you but be the man she married when necessary.

    As for the facial hair, that may be something she is saying to "keep you" as a man. You'll have to work this out in time.
    Krisi

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member GenieGirl's Avatar
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    I've been away from this site pretty much since beginning HRT. Just decided to pop in and saw your post. Me and my exgf had the agreement that she could handle me dressing as a female as long as I didn't transition. Also she wanted me to do it limited like no more than once a week. I finally broke down and the night of my 26th birthday I told her I was really transgender and had to transition. She was understanding but the next day broke down and had a classic shit storm is breaking dishes and all crying. We broke up 2 months following which I had expected and today are still good friends. I've been with my current gf for almost 2 years and HRT for almost 2 and a half years. I don't regret the decision. I haven't posted on here since starting HRT. Honestly I felt like it was time to move on but lately I've visited this site a few times to see how things are going. Overall life is definitely better now and wish you the best!!!!!
    You're a Daisy if you do! -Doc Holliday

  16. #16
    Banned Spammer
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    So Jenn it sounds like you have no say in how you live your life.
    I find that really sad.
    Are you two married or just dating?
    Why don't you stand up for yourself? You have a right to be happy too.

  17. #17
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    Here's a thought when it comes to naild: use clear coat. Your SO might feel a little more relaxed initilly to nail polishing. My toes are polished most of the time. You might dtry a clear polish (possilbe light pink or blue tent - pink looks more subtile against your under nail natural skin color) with some light metalic speckles Still my wife hs concerns. She likes our privacy. Most of the time she prefers I find "play time" when home alone. Kind of feels like closet play some time. She also doesn't want me to remove facial hair. I still want to explore makeup. We'll work his out.

  18. #18
    Close to Retirment Nancie64's Avatar
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    The one thing I didn't read was that a lot of this is about her. When I married my SO, I was in love with her and still am. She does come 1st but she does understand that Nancie is still here. I have been lucky. My 1st wife allowed my dressing but no going out, worried about crossing paths with someone we know. My SO now is a little more giving. When we travel,she allows Nancie time but her feelings have to be taken care of. It all takes time, sometimes more time than we want to invest. Keep the conversation open.

  19. #19
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    Speaking as a failure in maintaining a relationship, any advice I might offer should be appropriately discounted. My two thoughts...@ 1 cent each, would be that she can only go so far in acceptance, and you can’t slowly condition her to accept more.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  20. #20
    Member marlacd's Avatar
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    Mine was really good about changing the rules about my dressing without notice. Problem- she can't "Unsee" you in various states of dressing. You could stop cold tomorrow, never dress again, and she'd still remember what you used to do. If it gnaws at her, there's nothing you can do about it.
    I don't dress up because I want to be a woman, I dress up to make me happy.

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