Regrets on opening up?

[~Renee~]

New member here and posted my background in the intro section. As I laid out there, I'm getting to the point where I want/need to explore this feminine aspect of me for my personal development. Currently, I am meeting my basic needs with very limited activity and my wife is totally ok with all of it. The issue I'm having is various people dying and it's got me deeply thinking on my needs/desires and the all encompassing why are we here. Basically comes down to this ...

What would I regret more ... Tepidly experiencing this feminine aspect at the bare minimum for my sanity or zestfully experiencing that part with uncertain results?

I would like to hear more of the cautionary tales of the pink fog and whether or not you wished you would have opted the lesser route. It's all too easy to go with feelings.

I really appreciate the input and the thoughtfulness of the posts I have lurked on for years.

~Renee~

[Sometimes Steffi]

From your intro thread

Like many here I opted for a life of normality, with never a straying moment ...

Consider what is "normal" if you really are transgender and if you can't get the feminine feelings out of your head.

Think about a "different" normal

But like several here my faith says I gotta be wrong and to stay the course. Yet at times I wonder if the trials I have experienced have been caused by resisting my internal God ordained clock.

Speaking of religion is kind of forbidden here, so this might get deleted. But consider this. Aren't we taught that God loves us all? Does God make any mistakes? If the answer is "no", then you are not a mistake; you are one of the many variations that God in his wisdom has created. Maybe you should doubt your faith if belief in your faith if your faith causes you to believe that you are a mistake.

On the other hand, many people are stuck in their beliefs and won't believe that you are not a mistake.

I can't say much more than that, be you have to get in touch with yourself and the higher power in whom you believe.

[Becky Blue]

Renee, the fact that you know you want/need to go further but are not yet actioning that is a sign of your acceptance of what you are and shows that this is not something you haven't thought deeply about.

I hope that on my deathbed (hopefully decades away) I look back and have no major regrets, I say take the living life to the full opportunity, particularly if your wife is on board. It sounds to me that your religious views maybe the big thing that is holding you back.

[docrobbysherry]

Renee, I told an old girlfriend who I stayed in touch with for 40 years. We occasionally hooked up. Then, I told her about my dressing. She seemed to be supportive at first. But, soon tired of hearing about it and seeing my pics. We haven't communicated for about 10 years now.

Now, I only tell people on a "need to know" basis!

[Teresa]

Renee,
First of all you don't mention your age so we don't know how long you've had these feelings , ( sorry I haven't read your intro ) how hard your needs are being driven , and what you would truthfully like to achieve .

I know we talk about pink fog but don't let it cloud you being honest with yourself , if it waxes and wanes it's sometimes harder to make a definite decision , if like me it's a 24/7 feeling then the issues can't be ignored they have to be dealt with for your mental self being .

Your wife is OK with it which is great but how much is she prepared to accept , what boundaries has she laid down ? If your feelings give you GD then you can't ignore them and also try and lose the feelings of guilt and shame , as you say we only have one life and that comes home when your generation starts to thin out , I'm 66 and my only regret is I wasn't honest with myself earlier , I can't feel bad about the wiring in my head I'm TG and that's the bottom line so it's for me to deal with , no one else can do it for you , whether you are accepted or not .

[~Renee~]

Thanks for the responses so far. There's a lot of wisdom I needed there. Thank you very much. I'm definitely at that point where many of you were years ago in accepting yourself. The biggest battle I'm having is in between my ears.

It took 25 years to share what I deal with my wife and another 5 before I granted myself the permission to join here. I have already rationalized I'm far better off joining and participating with like minded people then not.

I know from personal experience I regret not acting and exploring life far more then the stuff that I made rational decisions and later blew up. But, I know opening up this feminine part of me isn't trivial.

Look forward to more responses.

[Monique65]

I once had a minister who ended each sermon with these words, "Become your true self, the fulfillment of the seed that was planted in you at your making". Words of wisdom indeed.

[Fiona123]

I opened up to a therapist and it was wonderful, totally affirming. I opened up to my wife and it seems a disaster. My wife is completely not accepting. I don't know as I write this if my marriage of 30 plus years is going to survive. In the end though I'm glad I opened up. Coming out has been tough.

[Ineke Vashon]

Renee - I feel that, since I acknowledged and accepted my growing feminine side, it has made me a better person all around. I am less judgmental, less aggressively fueled by machismo, more empathetic towards those less fortunate, more emotional (and letting it out instead of covering it up with manly bravado). Just to name a few changes. I see nothing in any Faith that would condemn such growth.

Just let be what is and is growing. Best of luck,

Ineke

[Stacy Darling]

What would I regret more ... Tepidly experiencing this feminine aspect at the bare minimum for my sanity or zestfully experiencing that part with uncertain results?

~

Hi Renee!

A question which I could not even begin to answer!
A question which was put to me with no words by my wife!
A question which society would love me to answer so I can fit a type!

I say look around you, see where in life you are, look at your accomplishments and how you have achieved what you have! Then question if you would have all of this if you acted more tepidly or more zestfully? Are you willing to change who you are, now?

I look at a picture of a dirty green uniform and a camo painted face from 87', then look at my white toenails and henna painted foot as I look down!

My choice though!

It's choice Renee!

Stacy!

[LeannS]

Renee
Life is nothing more than choices: Ask you wife what she can live with you fully dressed I mean everything head to toe.
and if not are you ready to go into a DADT realtionship (don't ask, Don't tell) thats what I am in it works for me and my wife as she doesn't want anything to do with this
Ask your wife if she can help with picking out clothes, doing your makeup and the little things that matter.
go for a drive out of town and see if this is what you want.

hope this works out for you

Leann

[Micki_Finn]

While I’m generally pro-coming out and all, everyone’s situation is different and while it’s tempting to throw that closet door wide open, it’s a one way trip. Once it’s out there’s no going back. On the other hand, you can always come out in steps to test the waters.

[Sarasometimes]

IS therapy an option, not to get cured by any means (doesn't work) but to help you figure this all out. You would need to find a good well-trained gender spectrum therapist.

I like what Micki said, but I'll quote my late father, "You can never unsay something!" You can apologize or back-pedal but not unsay it.

[Cheryl T]

When I reached 55 I considered all the years I stayed safely in my closet and all the things I wished I had done in this regard.
I thought of all the people I have lost in my life and how short this life can be for so many. I decided I did not wish to pass on without having explored my feminine side in more depth. I'm so glad I did as it has rewarded me with a much closer relationship with my wife, a broader range of friends and the elimination of all that guilt and shame I carried since I was a child and began wearing feminine clothing.

The world is brighter for me and that's all I can say.

[Devi SM]

Regrets? I read your thoughts in your intro thread and your fears are, for me, clearly based in religious thoughts. I came out to my wife to almost two years and what I can say remains in our mind from the Christianity is Love.
We, both, di great efforts to keep our relationship based in love.
Understanding is hard because we almost all can't understand ourselves so I can't ask her understand me.
Now I dress in a daily basis and when the opportunity allows me I fully dress and sometimes it with wife.
How we reach to that comfortable point?
Once I read about a poll made to dying old people in hospice and hospitals about their regrets and almost all of them coincide on no regrets at all except for the no done things.
If your wife supports you, please live your life the more fully you both agree.
Something that experience and Bible taught me is that dear, blame, shame are not feelings that come from Good and are inceptions, lies planted in our minds.....

[sherri]

I'll just add a thought to all the good remarks. For most of us there are periods of waxing and waning dressing activity, going out, etc due to life circumstances, level of interest, pink fog or whatever. For me, I'm thinking in particular of one extended period of several consecutive years when I was dressing almost daily and going out at least once a week, traveling fem, having fem weekends, pushing the outing envelope into mainstream, etc. During such a time the whole fem thing can begin to feel very normal or "right", whatever that means, and that's a very good and healthy thing, but I fell into a mindset that took for granted that "this" was me, that I wanted more of my life to be fem-oriented, and that I had a right to expect the world to be okay with that. The line separating boy life and gurl life began to blur and I began to question cardinal rules I had set for myself to avoid being outed here at home. I had and still have very good reasons for avoiding full disclosure locally, but my fog tested those limitations, even crossed the line more than once, to the point that I suspect I set a few tongues to wagging.

Fortunately I sort of woke up and realized I was at a crossroads -- it was time to either go all the way or dial it all down a few clicks -- and I feel like I made the right choice by keeping things in perspective. This was and is what is right for me and me alone; another gurl might have different priorities. My sense of self remained unfazed by my choice and I continued my activities and evolution, but with more discretion and precaution from then on. Today I am very thankful that I stepped back from the edge, as much for others' sake as my own, even though I know some experiences may have been sacrificed. I very much love and cherish the me I began discovering 17 years ago, but I'm also proud of myself for being realistic about the world we live in and making the necessary adjustments. Balance may not be our first choice but that doesn't mean it's a bad choice.

[Confucius]

Renee,
Keeping it limited, or unfettered full-blown crossdressing. That is the question.
The answer is that there are no wrong answers. Whatever path you choose you are following your authentic self.
For myself I determined that I wanted to keep it under control. I did not like the idea that I was out of control. I also realized that there are some things in life that are more important than crossdressing. I value my career, my wife, my family and my health more than my crossdressing. So I tell my wife she is most important thing in my life and I want her so set the boundaries to my crossdressing. She knows crossdressing makes me happy and I know that she needs to love a man she can respect and honor. I have no regrets about that. Most of my crossdressing is limited but I do a little almost everyday.

[~Renee~]

The answers I am getting are so helpful and spot on.

My fears are certainly based in faith and the prospect of the pink fog getting out of hand. For the faith aspect I am so pleased that others conclusions are precisely what I rationalized years ago. Concurrence on my rationalization gives me hope that I'm not deceiving myself in moving down the path I have. That is one reason I came here. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Second is the potential for for the pink fog running away on me like has happened to some over the years on this site. I really won't know until I try more. I'm grateful that my wife is a unicorn on this aspect as she likes me that way, but thinks I look like my sister. She really understands that this is a part of me and she sees it as a gift too. Her acceptance over the last five years is wonderful. I have deliberately held back greatly expressing this aspect of me for a variety reasons. I'm reaching a point I want or need more expression and I'm contemplating whether or not I will be able to tame the tigress. I know at times I break down into tears over the intensity that rages in me and several months later, I think what a big dope I am to be so weak. I'm finding that big dope cycle is less often and the hmmm I wonder if I can do this is becoming much more pronounced. So I'm trying to work my way through the fears of the pink fog being a pink tsunami.

Thank you so far for everyone's input.

[Alisonforme]

, blame, shame are not feelings that come from Good and are inceptions, lies planted in our minds.....

Right on Vanessa!

[Julia1984]

Renee
As The Donald might have said: "I am the tigress". Simple. Try not fighting her.
Hugs
Julia xx