Doubts

[Rachael Leigh]

So I had a friend on here ask me why now that I’ve got my hormones why am I waiting to take them
till I return from my vacation. I have to be honest it was a tough question, am I having doubts this is
right for me. How many here have gone through this? I mean for me this is costing me so much personally
My GD is not nor ever has been that strong but yes I’ve had it.
I really believe I’m at a crossroads here, I really appreciate all your ladies opinions
Rachael

[Lydianne]

Hi, Rachael!

I am totally unqualified to answer your question; so all I'll say is that it is a big decision and a crossroads, but it's not the first crossroads you have faced. Presenting at work was a crossroads. The unfortunate ending of your marriage was a crossroads. You got through those; you'll get through this - whichever way you eventually decide to be best. Either way, I'm rooting for you.

All the best,
- Lydianne.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Transition requires a lot of resolve..

the point of taking your time is to learn and process info and hopefully make good decisions for yourself.

Only you can live your life, only you know whats going on in your head (even if you are not certain 100 percent what it means or what you should do about it)

Tthere is no shame in doubting no shame in delaying and it might be a good idea to try to change your mind and see how that works out for you...

[Sara Olivia]

Hi Rachael,
When I read in your previous post 'HRT Frustrated' that you were intending to wait until you returned from vacation to begin with the hormones I immediately thought to myself "She's having doubts". I strongly agree with Kaitlyn's advice and that is why I am going to echo her thoughts. Only you can live your life. Only you know what is going on in your head and there is no shame in delaying or, for that matter, reconsidering and changing your mind about taking hormones.
This is something about which you want to be really sure. The hormones will ultimately cause irreversible changes to occur to your body. But you already know this. When I received my prescription for hormones, now more than one and a half years ago, I couldn't wait to get home and start the prescription. I had no doubts about starting HRT, none whatsoever. I think life would be a lot easier for me if I could have found a balance whereby I could have found any happiness without fully transitioning. In my case, that option did not exist but perhaps for you it can.

Whichever way you ultimately decide to go, I have no doubt, the people around you will respect that decision. This is a long and difficult journey that we embark on and I could not imagine going through it without first being one hundred percent certain and committed. Take the time needed to re-evaluate looking at your past, your present, and just as importantly where do you see yourself in 5 years time, 10 years time, 20 years time. Trust in yourself to make the right decision and don't let others influence that important decision for you.

[Pat]

My opinion is if your doubts are strong enough to keep you from starting, don't start. If hormones aren't the only path that will take you to your destination, don't go down the hormone trail. It's not a trophy hunt, it's not something you do to gain "the respect of the transgender community." You should be doing this solely for yourself and because it is your only option.

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Rachael,
It is okay for everyone to know that I was the friend that called you out on this. After dozens, maybe hundreds?, of messages and emails, spanning several months, asking me every conceivable question about HRT, I knew something was going on when you pulled up short. It is ok. If and when it is ok you will know and will not hesitate. More than likely anyone with your set of circumstances would do the same thing.

[Tommie.]

Rachael... I understand... we understand.... we love you.... it's ok

[Heidi Stevens]

Everyone has given good advice, but in the end let it be you who decides to move forward.

Personally, I wasn’t being pushed internally to go on HRT, but I had it presented to me by a couple of my councilors as the next step to help with my internal conflicts. Turns out they were right when I wasn’t 100% sure. The doctor that writes my prescription still to this day has to laugh at my comment to “just dip my toe in the water and start with a very low dose”. Maybe that’s a route you can take, increasing the dose as time passes and you see results or rejection. The Doctor said there is a small window where you will see results or no help from HRT mentally. If you see results, you’ll ramp up right away. If you don’t, then your physical changes wouldn’t be much.

Think it over on the vacation and carry on!

[DaisyLawrence]

My opinion is if your doubts are strong enough to keep you from starting, don't start. If hormones aren't the only path that will take you to your destination, don't go down the hormone trail. It's not a trophy hunt, it's not something you do to gain "the respect of the transgender community." You should be doing this solely for yourself and because it is your only option.

Best advise you will get here. The key words are ONLY OPTION. Good luck with your decision.

[DMichele]

Rachael,
Lots of very good advice has been provided below. Starting HRT is a very important decision. I like to let important decisions time to steep - sometimes weeks or months. It gives me an opportunity to vet out the positives and negatives and visualize things.

No need to rush into it GF. Good luck!

[pamela7]

Hi Rachael,

This is where your therapist comes in. Doubts have many origins and interpretations, even if it is doubts, it might be fears or fears covered by doubts. Exploring what lies underneath will bring one kind of clarity. Another kind would come from taking hormones for a few months - before any real, irreversible shift has happened, notice how you feel, and then stop for a few weeks, see how you are back on the "T life". That ought to clear it up if there are still unknowns after some good therapy.

good luck, xx Pam

[Sarah Doepner]

Rachael,

Thank you for this thread! I have been considering this step in my life for quite a while now myself and may be just a couple paces behind you at this moment. So just like you were not alone when your first started dressing or going out or considering transition, you are not alone in wondering if this is the best option. We each make our own choices and I've been grilling my friends who have transitioned for details about how they felt before they started. It sounds like you have been doing the same, so good for you. Most tell me it was the only thing that made sense or it was life or death. But some felt that while it wasn't the "end of the world" if they didn't start, but after considering all the factors they could, it was in their best interests to go forward.

Anxiety is something we tend to cultivate in the T world. We do it well and often spend many years perfecting it. Anxiety becomes an ingrained habit and our go-to thought process rather than joy or satisfaction or comfort. I asked a question in another post in this forum about changes in personality after starting hormones. The one item that came out consistently there and in the discussion with my friends was a great reduction in the anxiety they had been experiencing. I would suggest once that drops away we can discover all the stuff underneath that has been hidden or suppressed. The number of people who begin transition and then reverse course appears to be very small. Is it because of the overall positive results or because we never hear from them? I want to believe it's the former.

I think "most valuable" advice we see throughout the entire form is "you set your own pace, this isn't a competition." I truly believe that, and you need to hold that idea close as well. Your doubts may be based on things you haven't been able to identify and process yet. They may be valid or they may be fictions but you should work through them so you can avoid a lack of confidence that may resurface as more anxiety. In the end, no regrets because you make the best choice in your life and don't need to make a single one of us here happy.

[Teresa]

Rachel,
As you know I'm watching you with interest , we are on the same road and taking small steps forward . When I move to my new home my wife asked if I was thinking of taking tablets ? I told her it would be my decision and no one else , that's how you should see it . My first step is to get to grips with trying to live full time , what happens after that I can't say , for all I know it may be enough to satisfy my needs but I can't be influenced by others . I will have to fully understand what benefits hormones will give me, how much will they truly change my life and do I need those changes ?

[Rianna Humble]

Whilst I do not subscribe to the "Suck It And See" school of though regarding hormones, I can see some merit in Pamela's suggestion provided that it is done under medical supervision and in conjunction with therapy.

As others have said, Rachael, there is no shame in having second or even third thoughts. Although this might just be the dysphoria fighting back, it could also be an indication that you are not ready for transition at this stage. Take it at your own pace and don't let anyone push you one way or the other.

[Jeri Ann]

...I asked a question in another post in this forum about changes in personality after starting hormones. The one item that came out consistently there and in the discussion with my friends was a great reduction in the anxiety they had been experiencing. I would suggest once that drops away we can discover all the stuff underneath that has been hidden or suppressed. The number of people who begin transition and then reverse course appears to be very small. Is it because of the overall positive results or because we never hear from them? I want to believe it's the former.

In regards to HRT and transition, any reduction in anxiety is probably not an effect of estradiol. It is not a psychotropic drug. It probably has more to do with the peace that is experienced when taking that step in moving forward in the direction you need to go. I was on HRT for years while experiencing the greatest inner turmoil of my life. Complete peace replaced the turmoil when I began transition. I know that estradiol has an effect on brain functioning. It affects the way the brain processes information, to an extent. But, it is not an anti-anxiety medication.

The reason that so many who transition seem to fade away? Transition is a lot of work. It will consume you for a while. Opportunities to respond to forum posts become fewer. Also, most who transition simply find their place in the mainstream, blending in and just doing life. This has been the greatest reward for me. I come back when I can because I have friends here. I also attempt to connect the forum world with the outside world.

Again, we are all different. What works for one may not work for another. At the end of the day you need to do what is right for you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

the fact that you are willing to bring this up speaks well to your willingness to engage yourself..

remember its YOUR LIFE. YOUR CALL

you might notice that people taking HRT are universally urging you to be certain as you can, and universally sharing that it can be a difficult decision and many came at it from different angles. (testing, desperation, doubt, certainty)....all unique just like you

might sound silly but our minds do a bad job of making long term decisions but on the inside you kind of know which way you should go..

so when my kids are looking at ice cream and go back and forth over and over...vanilla chocolate vanilla chocolate strawberry??? what to pick....I say OK. vanilla it is!!!! and they immediately say NO chocolate

if you drop the HRT from your plan...just no way you do it, its not right for you... give that a couple days and sleep with it, sit with it....you may feel very relieved to have dropped it...but you will feel and it will help you..make the decision...

[Nikki.]

snip....If you take them, it can quell curiosity. A curiosity that will not be quelled by any other means. If you don't like what you're doing, you can always stop, right? Ahhhhh!!!...there's the rub. There's no stop sign. You have to just get off the bus. What may cause you to do that? My point is that a wheel in motion tends to stay that way. Pardon the obtuse metaphor, but it applies. So you have to decide if you want to possibly open Pandora's Box and possibly head pell mell down the rabbit hole. On the other hand, you may find yourself completely miserable on them...snip

the first part is one of my greatest fears with starting low dose...what if i really like the effects and the bus becomes a runaway? I’m actually very scared of this happening but I also feel compelled to try, but I’m forcing myself to hold off until it becomes unbearable. Intellectually I think if i was miserable on them it would actually be a relief.

[2BArianwen]

Hi Rachael. The only thing I would be inclined to say to you is this: For a time, put down the questions of 'doing' (should I start my HRT? Now? Later?.....) and just try to 'be'. Personally, I sometimes get so wrapped up in what I have to 'do' (or think I have to do) that I lose sight of 'me', so I find it helps just be mindful of who I am - everything else can wait.

Hugs. Rian x

[Rachael Leigh]

I want to thank everyone here for all their input and even though the money has been spent on my meds I’ve made the
decision to not go forward with them. I’m really going through a lot of questioning of my transition all together. There are
many things I just didn’t expect and feel this may not be the right path for me. I still consider myself in the trans category
but not one who plans on living their life as such. I’m going to work this out and will be better for it.
Thanks again all and may you all find your peace and be blessed
Rachael

[Heidi Stevens]

Rachel, I’m glad you’ve reached a decision. As others have said, let your counselor talk this thru with you. Weigh your doubts and see if you are ready at this time or let. In the end, be 100% with yourself and follow your resolve.

[Nikki.]

Good for you for having the courage to recognize and act on your feelings that things weren’t going quite right for your needs.