Uncertainties

[Elizabeth G]

Hello All,

This is my first post on this forum and I suppose it's really just a bit of an introduction. I'm not new to CD.com, I have been here for almost two years now, but have spent most of my time here in other forums.

I have cross dressed for many years, since I was about 11 years old. The urge has come and gone over the years but in recent times it has come back stronger than ever and it shows no sign of abating.

I'm not asking a specific question today, although I suppose in general I actually have hundreds of questions and many more that I haven't even thought of yet. I'm just hoping to educate and enlighten myself as I continue on my journey.

Up until some time last year I used to tell myself that I'm "just a crossdresser". I'm no longer sure of that. Throughout my life I have always had some level of inner gender related conflict. I'm not saying I have decided to transition by any means, but I can no longer rule it out as a possible course for me.

I am married and my wife learned of my crossdressing in a less than ideal way which I previously posted about in the mtf forum. I have two children who are grown and on their own who know nothing of my crossdressing or my gender issues. I guess I'm just telling you this to say that I am aware that I have others in my life who will be directly affected by any decisions I may make so I understand the need for an informed and deliberative approach.

So if you don't mind I'm going to be doing a lot of lurking here. This is a great source of information, comfort, wisdom and inspiration and ultimately leads to some very helpful introspection on my part.

Thank you all,
Elizabeth

[pamela7]

welcome, "informed and deliberative" will serve you well.

xxx Pam

[Mirya]

Up until some time last year I used to tell myself that I'm "just a crossdresser". I'm no longer sure of that. Throughout my life I have always had some level of inner gender related conflict. I'm not saying I have decided to transition by any means, but I can no longer rule it out as a possible course for me.

I'm curious... what changed for you? After all those years of dressing, what happened in the last year that made you think you're no longer a crossdresser?

[Rachael Leigh]

Elizabeth if you can find a good counselor I would do it. Yes as far as going father it does have many pitfalls that are far more reaching then you can imagine, I’ve been there and it’s not pretty. Being trans is just not easy at all and every decision you make reguarding it you must be completely sure

[Elizabeth G]

I'm curious... what changed for you? After all those years of dressing, what happened in the last year that made you think you're no longer a crossdresser?

Hi Mirya,

I'm glad you asked this, of course there's no simple answer. You're asking me to think about this and that's a good thing. I'll try my best to answer although quite often a lot gets lost between what's going on in my brain and what makes it out on the screen.

Some time over the last year I started to look closer at why I crossdress. Not the big "why" (if I could answer that one I would be a very successful therapist ) but what does my crossdressing do for me, what is my goal when I crossdress, what do I hope to achieve? What drives me to do this?

So I asked - is it the clothes? The fabrics, styles, colors, textures, variety etc? That answer was no. Yes, I like all of these things but that's just the superficial part of the experience. If that were the answer then I should be satisfied with just staying home and putting on an outfit.

But that's not enough. When I dress I need to go all the way. I need to be able to look in the mirror and see on the outside what I feel on the inside. This means makeup, wig, accessories etc so that it becomes a complete transformation.

OK, not unusual a lot of us do that. But that isn't enough. I want to go out with the hope and goal of doing the best I can to present and be perceived as, a woman. Again, not unusual I know but that's just part of the picture.

Going out dressed and trying to blend calms me and just "feels right". I have never fit the male stereotypes and dislike those expectations. I've always been more nurturing and my interests and hobbies don't align with typically male past times.

I have always related better to women. My best friends have been women. I don't feel the need to "act" with women as I sometimes do with men.

I'm not staying I'm definitely going to transition or that I'm going to search for an endocrinologist tomorrow. As a matter of fact one of my biggest fears is that I'm romanticizing the notion of transition and possibly trivializing the emotional, mental and physical tolls involved with the process. All I'm saying at this time is that I'm beginning to question where I am and where I'm going and I've come here in the hopes of continuing to educate myself.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, what is in my head hasn't necessarily translated well too the screen but I thank you for helping me to think a little more about this.

Elizabeth

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Elizabeth if you can find a good counselor I would do it. Yes as far as going father it does have many pitfalls that are far more reaching then you can imagine, I’ve been there and it’s not pretty. Being trans is just not easy at all and every decision you make reguarding it you must be completely sure

Hi Rachael,

Thank you so much for your input. Up until this past December I had a great therapist but unfortunately (for me, good for her) she has retired. She is actually the author of the book "The Transgender Guidebook" and she was a wonderful and gifted therapist. So now I find myself looking for another another.

I understand the gravity of this process and will not make decisions lightly.

Thanks again for your response.

Elizabeth

[2BArianwen]

Hi Elizabeth

First off, I think you do very well at translating your thoughts and feelings to words on a screen!

Secondly, there are so many on this forum who can understand what you're saying, even if you don't actually say it. A lot of us have been where you are - the same feelings, the same questions, the same dilemmas, the same fears.... You are in the right place! More importantly, you're in a safe place where you will be given whatever support and advice you seek. Above all, you'll be given the space to just breathe and discover who you are.

Welcome and best wishes. Rian x

[Pat]

Elizabeth -- If it helps, there's science to back you up. The latest thinking is that being transgender is a natural, biological variation in a human being and that biological outcome gives you a "gender preference" which psychologists then tell us makes you happy when you perform in your preferred gender role. So the happiness of crossdressing makes total sense when you consider that clothing is the largest, most obvious gender-signal we have in our culture. So, yes, it's not the cloth, the color or the fit -- that sense you have that it's "right" is because it is right (for you.)

I hate to flog my own posts, but here's one that gives enervating detail: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...quot-questions

[~Emma D~]

Hi Elizabeth, I'm not sure that I can add or help that much.

I'm returning myself to the TS forums after many years away, so, I suppose, I'm new again.

That said, in my time here and in Safe Haven, I received a lot of help, good advice, that served me well at the time.
it helped me break the shackles that had held me back for countless years.

I also met good friends who had transitioned, for which I'm still grateful.

Best wishes...

[Mirya]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Of all the things you shared, I experienced pretty much the same before my transition. Then again, I know of others I met early in my transition who also had the same feelings, and they did not transition at all. So I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard to say either way.

I will say this though - transitioning is the medical treatment for gender dysphoria. It's not something you do because you want to be more feminine, or because you think you're 'more than a crossdresser'. You do it to treat what is and should have been lifelong gender dysphoria. So if you're considering transitioning, ask yourself, "have I been, and am I currently experiencing, gender dysphoria?" Hopefully your new therapist can help guide you to the answers you're looking for.

[Tommie.]

All the above is so right and correct.... but as I recently talked with a trans friend whom was just about to start HRT, I asked her if she knew these paths are fraught with many life dangers.... that is why Mirya and others cautioned. I told my trans friend if she proceeded, she could lose everything.... many of us have.... to gain that end of being woman.... not that you are going there. Dante said 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here'.... although overly dramatic, this is very serious business. May your way be blessed and your heart protected....

[Rachael Leigh]

Tommie, you really hit on it and I do believe that’s exactly why I’ve made my decision not to go forward with my transition
I think my divorce did things to me mentally that I did not excpect and while my gender issue was only a part of the reason
for it it has given me a new perspective on where do I go from here, and now at least now I can honestly say it’s not transition

[jennifer0918]

Wow Elizabeth I think I will be lurking on your threads and your journey. When iam around other guys me in guy mode I feel the same way, I have to act.

[faltenrock]

Elisabeth, what you say and think loudly here makes sense to me. I've never really questioned my gender, I do feel good as a man. But on the other hand, there is this very strong need to dress up and go out to be recognized as a woman. Lately, due to a person I met last year, I thought a lot about myself. My dressing seems to be my own therapy to deal with my past and my look as a man.
I had an accident as a young boy and was left with many scars in my face. People always starred at me in public, as a young man and later it was really terrible for me. Presenting as a woman gives different looks, people don't the scars first, they see a well dressed woman. I do get many compliments which helps even more. However, the fact is, after a few days out I like to switch back to my male role.

The truth is also, when I'm back home, I like to dress again, almost daily.

[Tommie.]

Rachael... I tried to turn back three times.... I failed each time.... I hurt my wife more each iteration as I broke her dreams, her happy and her life...... The pain of that for both of us was surreal. I am much happier now as a woman but the wake I left in transition is an ominous regret.... and shared by my transitioned friends......

[Jeri Ann]

I would love to join in this conversation but again, this section is available to non members and I have been spied on. I don't want further damage done to relationships because of partial truths or untruths. Safe Haven is option for me if any of you are members there. Also email. Some of you have mine. PM me if you need it. There are times when I need to talk but hesitate out of caution.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Jeri Ann,

Since I'm the OP of this thread I would certainly welcome any and all input. I tried to pm but your mailbox is full.

Thanks,
Elizabeth

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Elizabeth,

I have emptied my inbox.