Where to start

[Leslieluv]

It has been exectly 1 year now scince i came out to my wife about my crossdressing. And to be honest right now it getting to be tuff. Last year was so full of new things and progressions. I got to dress up in ways i have never been able too. And its great. But im having some issues i need advice with.

Our sex life has kinda dried up,not due to dressing but just the stress of life and 3 kids. It has really kept my wife from really wanting to. The problem is i have a pretty high sex drive and not gettin any lately has been driving my crazy.

This leaves me wanting to dress so much more but i cant dress when ever i want to. My wife is supporting but doesnt want me doing it with her and the kids there. You know rules right. But we did agree scince sex was slow i could underdress and shave. She is not crazy about it but understands. My wife has bought me alot of stuff and even got me some pretty stuff for valentines day but has yet to see me dressed up. But she did say she would but she is just not ready yet. Honestly im having trouble waiting it is eatin my up. She explained to me that she is pretty much prolonging it but cuz she thinks i will push more on her. How long did it take your wives to fully accept it. I know i have to be patience and take it slow but its not easy on me.

[Samantha uk]

Some wives never accept it and unless you told her about it before you got married, its not fair to expect her to. It is fair to expect compromise and you and your wife have to work out what that is but you have to realise she might be one of those who can't

[docrobbysherry]

Leslie, I'm confused by a couple of things:

Why is it so important to u that your wife see and accept u dressed?

How do u think dressing will solve your sex issues?

Personally, I think u both need a therapist's help. U for sure!

[Stephanie47]

Put me in the "never" category. My wife has zero interest in my desires to wear women's clothing. It's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Your wife is probably correct in as much as she fears you're going to push cross dressing further and further into her life. A year's knowledge is really not sufficient time for her to grasp the new reality. Frankly, I would not be a bit surprised if the love life has not flourished in part because of this new knowledge. Yes, kid and routine activities can drain the body and mind. However, many times some loving attention is sought to counter balance those mundane issues. One of the comments I've seen in articles dealing with this subject is although women have not seen their husbands en femme many have created a mental image of their spouses dolled up. You're already setting the stage for her by shaving and under dressing. If I were a wife I'd be fearful wondering what was coming next. I read all these comments saying "take it slow" which always means there is intentions there to reach the ultimate goal without really considering the wife's feelings. Sometimes a wife's acquiescence is nothing more than an inability to speak up.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Leslie,

My wife has known for about a year and a half. She found out on a less than ideal manner. Like you're wife she has been somewhat accepting, perhaps to a lesser degree. Like your wife she said she would be ready to see me dressed at some point. Like your wife she has since backed away from that statement. As she said, it's something she can't "un-see" once it's done and she has strong concerns about what affect this may have on our relationship and her perception of me forever after. I understand this and therefore haven't pushed her on this.

Because this isn't what my wife signed up for when we married I can't expect her to just accept it all now unconditionally. I foresee a long road of negotiations going forward and I expect neither of us to be 100% satisfied.

Long story short she may never fully accept your crossdressing so you will likely have some amount of trouble with this for a long time to come.

Elizabeth

[Leslieluv]

Leslie, I'm confused by a couple of things:
Why is it so important to u that your wife see and accept u dressed?

How do u think dressing will solve your sex issues?

Personally, I think u both need a therapist's help. U for sure!

My apologies for confusion and really great questions.
I dont think dressing will solve my sex life. You see dressing for me is sexual thing only. I dont not want to be a women. I just love dressing and looking like one. I like being a man. But when i get sexually frustrated i turn to wanting to dress. So lately i feel dressing has been on my mind more than its ever been. And i want it to ease up.

So no one ever has seen me dressed and the only person i care about to see leslie is my wife. I guess my silly way of thinking is that we could have alot of fun together with it. If she would embrace it

[ClosetED]

Consider this option - if wife is tired out from stress and kids, and you have lots of energy (sex drive), channel that to help her with kids and stress. Tell her beforehand that you are doing this to help her. If she has a few weeks of relief, she may find the desire back and you will hopefully have the favor returned with what you desire. Maybe for Valentine's Day.
Many hope their wives would embrace their dressing, but if it doesn't happen soon, I don't think it often happens. Some become more tolerant, but I don't know too many who become enthusiastic.
Hugs, Ellen

[Lizzie Skirts]

My advice: take her out on a date, let her go out on an overnight spa trip or girls night out with her friends. Dressing is probably the #1 thing on your mind, but a mother of 3 kids is often overwhelmed with breakfast, getting kids off to school, doing laundry, unglamorous housework, and then it’s time for the nightly dinner, bath, bed marathon with 3 kids resisting every step. OK, maybe it’s not that bad, but my point is that you’ll win back a lot of affection from her by giving her a chance to reconnect to the beautiful woman that she was before becoming a mother.

[RachelB.]

My wife has known for over twenty years. Just in the past couple of years has she fully embraced it. Her big fear come to find out was for me being treated poorly. Mine was I didn't want to embarrass her.

Keep talking and take small steps. Don't push too hard or she might go in the opposite direction.

[Littleg2]

Leslieluv,

I am sure you will get a lot of great advice from the other members here, but here is my advice from a GG perspective…

First of all, I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but you say that you have three kids, so obviously you were together for some years before you came out to her. She may very well still be dealing with that. You have had years to come to terms with all this, her, only a fraction of that time and you need to respect that and take that into account.

Talk, whenever you can. Be open about it. Tell her about your feminine side, your dressing. How it began, why you do it, what you like about it, what you like to wear, how you like to dress. Let her connect dressing to you on a more intimate, personal level. Suggest her looking into things that interest you (online sites and such) so she can get a better feel for what you have been through and what you are going through. Let her know that (despite your longing for more), you will go as slow as she needs. Let her lead the way to the “more” that you speak of.

With regards to your love life, was this slow down something that was already happening before you came out to her? If not, despite you saying it, and even despite her saying it, it may be a factor. There will be these little subconscious thoughts and questions in her mind about who should be doing what, does what she did before to please you still please you, do you want something different, something more?

Perhaps it’s also a good time to try some fun things in the bedroom (you as a man and her as a female) to rekindle your love life. Try fun games, toys, even erotica (book, magazines, movies, etc.) that appeal to her. Ask her what she likes and really listen to her. You never know where this can lead.

I get that kids and jobs and life can get in the way of all this. I do! I am a single, full-time working mother of 2. Buy, you still need to take care of each other as well as life, and for some sex is a big part of that and for some it isn’t, you would best know your wife and you are like, and how you related together in your years together.

My best advice would be to take it slow. Probably not what you want to hear, especially since you say it’s already been a year, but if you have a lifetime together, what’s a year? Or another one?

She is trying to be accepting from what you say, but with parameters. She is trying to protect your children, herself, and even you. Allow her this. But, try and see if you can talk to her and see if you can come up with a compromise of sorts? Like say you pay for them all to go to a movie one afternoon or evening so that you can have some time alone to dress. Hire a babysitter or have a relative take the kids and let her go out with a friend, if she’s social and want time to herself, while you have some time to yourself. Then start slowly doing things together.

Ask her questions about being a girl. About things you know she’s good at (clothing, makeup, walking in heels, etc.). Ask her opinion. Involve her. Love her and let her know that you and her will always come first and she can come to you with whatever her concerns or questions are and you will be open and honest with her about these things.

I do wish you well and hope some of this and the other suggestions help.
-g

[Stephanie Julianna]

I wish I could help you but after fifty years of trying every variation of acceptance to DADT, I'm still negotiating.

[jacques]

hello,
Try talking it through with your wife... only she knows what she is thinking at present and don't be surprised if that changes with time and your circumstances.
I spent years trying to understand why I dress - my wife simply says "it's only clothes", but I know that she does not want me to scare the pets, children or neighbours.
And I have to do all my own shopping. You are so lucky to receive Valentine's Day pretty stuff!
luv J

[docrobbysherry]

Leslie, altho u didn't clearly say it. But, do mean u self release when u dress up? That's very common, by the way. Almost all dressers have been turned on by dressing and/or their mirror image at one time or another.

Personally, I don't think there is such a thing as "bad" sex. As long as u r a consenting adult. But, if u feel guilty about self sex I think a good therapist could be a big help to u!

[LeannS]

Leslie here's my 2 cents worth on this:
your wife now knows you dress mine knows but says hell no Deep dadt. and thats my problem not yours you are lucky that your wife knows and somewhat accepting
so it seems. When she brought you the things for Valentines day did you thanks her for them. Like others have said take care of the kids while she can get some alone time. Do some of her chores I am sure she would very much appreciate it and it might even help you out in the long run. Leave the crossdressing until she is ready for it don't assume.

I know you said you have a hard time taking it slow but this is needed

Leann

[CONSUELO]

Perhaps the Doc is right and you could both benefit from talking things over with a counsellor or therapist. The point being to have a safe environment in which to open up and bring issues to the surface. Your wife may be finding the pace too fast right now. Also if your sexual life with her is diminished she may be thinking that your cross dressing is somehow to blame.

I told my SO before we were married. There were still lots of issues but at least it was out in the open very early in the relationship.
Best wishes

[Taylor186]

Crossdressing is always fun for the crossdresser and almost never fun for the SO. My experience has been that a SO's acceptance of crossdressing husband/partner will not change that.

[Leslie Langford]

I wish I could help you but after fifty years of trying every variation of acceptance to DADT, I'm still negotiating.

What Stephanie said...I'm closing in on her in terms of "time served". ..47 years now, and counting.

The irresistible force meets the immovable object. Cataclysmic eruptions sometimes occur as a result. YMMV ("Your mileage may vary"). Good luck!

[lingerieLiz]

Your post was about what you wanted. It is more important to find what she wants. My wife knew and saw me early on and before we married. She thought she could cure me. Over the years she came to accept more. She certainly would prefer I didn't dress. One thing I know about her is she doesn't understand why. Lets face it we don't know either. While she used to like sexy lingerie, as we get into old age we both have moved to comfort. She has her faults. We accept each other..

[NicoleScott]

Waiting for her to be ready to see you crossdressed is eating you up, you said. She may never be ready, and heavy efforts to gain her acceptance may be counterproductive. She'll let you know if/when she's ready.
It's difficult for me to understand why it's eating you up. My dressing up is overwhelmingly about ..... my dressing up, while being seen dressed up is a relatively minor thrill. But we, of course, are all different.
Be happy with what you have instead of fretting over what you don't.