Communication

[CaseyAdams]

I'm trying to become more communicative with my SO. She feels that I've been secretive about when I dress and what I buy, but I just felt it to be a very strange conversation to have, telling her that I feel like I need to dress up soon or that I need new clothes (especially undergarments!).

I guess some of the issues I have is, that while my crossdressing has never been a secret from her, it is something we very rarley talk about (hard enough time communicating on anything other than work, the kids, and things that need to be done around the house) and I feel really awkward and unsure about having this kind of conversation.

How do you go about these kinds of conversations? Any tips would be appreciated! As would any books on communication in general that you think should be check out.

Thanks,
Casey

[Teri Ray]

I figure there is no easy answer that fits everyone. But if you have been open about your desires with your spouse you already have a head start on those who are keeping their desires secret from their spouse. I do not have a good answer about how to start the conversation with your spouse but I do believe that your best bet is to be honest, straightforward and open. Honesty has been the best part of my conversations on this topic with my wife. Never easy but always good. Best wishes.

[Steph_CD_62]

I am very open and honest with my wife. She knew about my dressing shortly after we met, so there was no surprises. If I buy something I will either ask her before I buy it, or after I buy it I will ask her if she wants to see it. Since she normally gets the mail, she sees anything that I order online.

So I just tell her to let her know if I buy something new. And as far as dressing I dress freely in front of her, but if she appears to be having a bad day I will ask if she minds if I dress.

[Taylor Dame]

I'm in a similar situation. My wife knows I dress, but doesn't want to see me or talk about it. It's basically a DADT situation. I have tried to breech this with conversations that have really been one sided - me trying to open up a discussion. She has listened, but never really opened up a conversation. She has been with me when I have bought clothing for myself, and even pointed out buys, but that's as far as it goes. While it does work for now, I am also not comfortable with the how it stands. I hope it works out for you, and hope some of the responses also give me some insight on how to proceed.

[CaseyAdams]

My wife knows I dress, but doesn't want to see me or talk about it. It's basically a DADT situation. I have tried to breech this with conversations that have really been one sided - me trying to open up a discussion. She has listened, but never really opened up a conversation.

Exactly! At least from my point of view; she may see it differently. It seems like two different issues for us, poor ability to communicate and my feelings of being alone, that half of me is totally rejected by the person I love, which causes a pretty big bearer in my ability to really open up to her about me - and not just the CDing. It seems like a professional relationship a lot of the time, not an intimate one between close friends or lovers. Ugh!

[Sami Brown]

Although I have a supportive spouse, I also suffer from the same inability to communicate as you have. I think it is mostly due to being a secretive person in general, which also sounds like how you describe yourself. Mostly it is a communication issue.

Another aspect for myself is that I feel a little uneasy about it because I still have some feelings about crossdressing as being weird. This is not the main reason I have problems communicating though. The much larger problem is that I have a hard time communicating with people in person, including my wife. I am very introverted.

I know that this doesn't provide any answers for you, but it does let you know that there are others who are in a similar situation as yourself. I hope it is helpful to you to understand that you are not alone.

Sami

[Stephanie47]

I would be open with my wife...if she was interested in my cross dressing......even a little. We had "The Talk" about thirty years ago. Since that time it has been "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Really deep DADT. Not a snide word from her. She has on occasion found an undergarment (bra or panty) that escaped my attention. She'll fold it and put it on top of the dryer. She'll tell me. That's all. At this stage of life I do not expect anything to change. I would find it awkward to discuss bras and panties with her. Go dress shopping together? Not a chance. I do not consider my purchases secretive because I'd be willing to talk to her. I'd show her some of my 158 dresses and 400+ slips. She'd think I'm certifiable. She's probably right.

If your wife totally rejects this part of you ask her how are you to communicate with her about things that she does not like? If she rejects this aspect of you ask her why would she want to find out what you have bought? I really cannot give you an answer how to approach the subject of getting 'en femme' time. "Honey, why don't you take a powder for five hours so I can get dressed up?" You may need to have the intervention of a counselor to get some valid information across to her.

[Beverley Sims]

I like that, or I need that, two statements I use when buying in the womens section, whether dressed or in drab.

It usually ilicits a comment from my wife, at least I can gauge her reaction as to the acceptance of the item.

Sometimes I am surprised, "Why don't you try it on to see how it looks".

Oh, well. :-)

[Teresa]

Casey,
Finding a slot for you is difficult, how do you talk about something which has so many problems attached when there is so much else going on. Maybe you question if it's being selfish I'm afraid you can't always answer this until you find you can't function because you feel your head is going to explode . I've found so many people go through the first twenty years and then it hits you in your forties, something clicks and you start saying , " What about me !" Eventually you just have to sit down and have that talk and see how the dust settles at least you then know what boundaries you have to live with. When you get to that point it helps to write it all down , how it started , how you feel now and what you might feel like in the future . It's that point of being honest with yourself so you can hopefully be open and honest with your wife/partner .

It's not easy , books might help but the important thing is what is inside you , what are your true needs are because it's not going away and nothing anyone else says will change that , you can't feel ashamed and guilty for something you may have been born with .

[Samantha uk]

my wife and I chat to each other more generally about crossdressing and wider transgender issues. Its quite easy to start the conversation because theres tons of stuff on the TV and in the media, so I might say something like "I saw a programme about someone who wanted to transition and I thought crossdressing was difficult" That usually opens up a dialogue, you could also ask her how she is feeling about the whole crossdressing thing because I know my wifes feelings change all the time

[alwayshave]

I am out to my fiancee and have been for 11 years and she has been out with me dressed. However, I still don't like to talk to her about it..

[GretchenM]

One possible approach is to talk about feelings rather than facts. It starts with a question such as, "How does ________ make you feel?" After the response by the other person of the feelings the subject produces in them you answer with how it makes you feel. This continues back and forth until there is some degree of mutual understanding of how the subject makes each other feel while using as little factually based arguments as possible. If talking about feelings doesn't work, get two notebooks and write a "letter" to the other person about how the subject makes them feel. Then switch notebooks and respond to each other while staying with feelings rather than facts and logical arguments. It really works.

Our feelings are real and are important, but all too often people do not communicate about how something makes them feel. They argue on the basis of evidence and facts. Those are important as well, but that can quickly become defensive. Once those defensive walls are built finding solutions becomes more difficult. But feelings simply are and it is hard to build defensive walls without resorting to facts and evidence.

By understanding the feelings someone has regarding a subject empathy, sympathy, and maybe compassion is easier to generate. A better understanding of how something affects the other person in the most personal way helps a lot, especially in a relationship that involves love. Once that is achieved and an emotional foundation is created discussing the facts and evidence in the perspective of feelings can produce a very deep understanding. Happy compromises can then be achieved more easily.

My wife and I (almost 49 years of marriage) learned this method years and years ago. We don't use it often, but when there seems to be no resolution to a problem we resort to the communications about feelings and that often breaks the logjam. It is mostly a way to separate naked facts and feelings and deal with them separately and later try to blend them into a more unified understanding that can lead to an emotionally sensitive solution that is also built on evidence and facts. Is the solution 100% your way or your spouses way? No, but it is a solution that connects solidly with love foundation.

[CaseyAdams]

Finally have time to check back in. Thank you all for the ideas! I do feel that they will be very helpful and will be well worth trying. I had to look up "take a powder", though, which for other neanderthals like me, evidently means to depart without taking leave or notifying anyone. This site is helpful in ways I never imagined! :-)

In addition to talking, I'm trying email. I find texting to be really impersonal and my handwriting is atrocious. Maybe this will be a way of getting through some of the difficult topics. I would also consider joint consoling, so that may be on the table if other methods don't work, but she feels if you have to resort to that, your marriage is already over. That was ironic to me because she was asking about renewing our vows a while back and that's exactly how I feel about renewing vows - if you have to resort to that, it is a good sign that it's too late to save your marriage.

Anyways, thanks again!

[Asew]

Although I have a supportive spouse, I also suffer from the same inability to communicate as you have. I think it is mostly due to being a secretive person in general, which also sounds like how you describe yourself. Mostly it is a communication issue.

Another aspect for myself is that I feel a little uneasy about it because I still have some feelings about crossdressing as being weird. This is not the main reason I have problems communicating though. The much larger problem is that I have a hard time communicating with people in person, including my wife. I am very introverted.

I know that this doesn't provide any answers for you, but it does let you know that there are others who are in a similar situation as yourself. I hope it is helpful to you to understand that you are not alone.

Sami

This is totally me. Since I treat it as weird, then me bringing it up is selfish, and I am too introverted to want the spotlight and be selfish I don't want to bring it up.